And edited….

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0CP15XQX9/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Up in Smoke…a life?

Another way to vent…

​I suppose the natural evolution of what I was doing is here…

https://youtube.com/channel/UCj8Bqvm_coEooyG9KszeDOw

Fwd: Nirvana

After a huge arguments, a very shitty day and everything that someone who believes in or perceives right or wrong would take up as fucked up, i learnt the biggest lesson of love and respect due to all the 'wrong' of the day. Closed my eyes, opened my heart and touched what i can now understand how someone with a religious background would perceive as a meeting with 'god', in a presence of complete and pure love and forgiveness with just sooo much understanding. Not 3rd dimensional love that is hurtful, possessive or jealous, no, pure, pure unconditional love and understanding. Pure brilliant love, no right no wrong, no polarity, just balance, everything in sync with the extremely humbling feeling and presence I'm in. Tears streaming down my face, tears of joy, tears of understanding, tears from being touched by this purity. A deeper understanding emerges, everything is right, everything is one, different distortions of the infinite creator. Confusion leads to understanding, the 'law of confusion' or what we call the 'law of free will' is just a primary distortion of the law of one. The same as the urge to teach is also directly related to the urge to learn unless you're not learning what you teach - just another primary distortion of the law of one. Behind the veil of secrecy comes the opportunity of misunderstanding, hence learning and so figuring it out in an either positive or negative polarized society or collective consciousness, but as you move higher through the dimensions there is only balance, perfection, beauty, understanding. After opening my eyes and drying my tears i was staring at my feet into the distance, light, halo, yellow burn, sense of deja vu and now i cant look at anyone without seeing a halo around them, it sorta looks like they are quantum leaping and then the colors start 'burning' out the halo, the weirdest, strangest and most enlightening learning experience through love and true understanding and a willingness to know thyself and i mean truly know thyself. Love and understanding, pure cleansing and healing love. True and pure unconditional love for yourself, true and pure unconditional love for others and more importantly the service to others. On the highest level teaching thus learning is godliness at a very primary distortion. Love, love and more love.

'In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.'

Buddha

What the Fuck!?!

So fucking dazed and confused and not at all one fucking bit amused, all i want to do is blow out my fucking brain but im not even sure that will stop this pain? I dont know what the fuck this is that i feel but i promise you this shit is real. A million and one things on my mind and the thing that bothers me is the one fucking thing i cant find. Everything and everyone is just working on my nerves, fuck me sideways - this is someting that no one deserves. All i constantly want to do is just to fucking cry and i do not have the foggiest clue as to why? Even considering some smack to numb out the pain, fuck that shit! nope, not again - i'm not that insane!
Completely fucking lost in this ocean of uncertainty and all i want to know is what the fuck is wrong with me? People everywhere just driving me the fuck insane, hell man - one person does not deserve all this strain. I'm really not sure how much more shit i can take because somethings gonna give soon and i'm talking snap...shatter...break!
Doesnt matter how much grass i smoke this annoyance i cant ease, jesus fucking christ! I just want one single second of peace. Words can even come close to express what it is that im going through and no professional, no quack or shrink will be able to tell me what the fuck to do? Constantly on the verge but not losing my mind yet and not one single fucking tear to shed...

'By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.'

Confucius

Say what?

It's literally been years since the last time I've posted, so much have changed - so many more braincells have been roasted. Life has turned a 180 more than once or twice yet my future is still as uncertain as the throwing of a dice. Fuck! At least there you have a one in six chance, here it just moving forward in a complete and utter deep and deadly trance. Did so well for so fucking long even thought I was immune and maybe even strong. Fuck me sideways boy was I wrong. I suppose there is no reason to cry about this fucking shit, all I can do is try picking my life up again bit by bit. How tired can one single person get? How much more is there that one single person can regret? The more I am typing the more I hate me, myself and I and the fucked up part is that I don't even have tears to cry. Frustration building up through body and brain, and the tension caused by it is driving me the fuck insane.
Fuuuck! How much more can I hate myself and me? How fucking blind  and stupid can one person be? Numbing myself out from morning to night, so sick and tired of this constant fight. The problem is what to do when you are clean and sober when your biggest fear is actually strarting all over?
Sad but true, boo-fucking-hoo!


'I hate myself and I wanna die'

Kurt Cobain

Retirement

I still cant believe how just a while ago to the truth i was still soo fucking blind? Every day really hating my life and wondering when the fuck myself i would find? Caught in a negativity and hate drenched-downward-spiral-slash-whirlpool; always just focussing on how badly i hated myself and my life while calling myself everything from a stupid motherfucking cunt right through to a dumb fucking fool. Every fucking second of every day and every fucking part of myself and my life i did truly despise with a passion and with all my glory! But cause i was constantly blinded by this hate and anger i never realised that i was the one that created that life; harsh reality yet a true story...
After 18years of full blown fucking addiction, arrested a couple of times fortunately not one conviction. Mandrax, grass, alcohol, schnarf, party-drugs, meth and crack; then for the last 10years i was so far lost in the arms of my big love: smack. Upping, downing, smoking, shooting and chasing, constantly mixing or one love with the other replacing. From expensive 5star relapse-centres to goverment rehabs-slash-holes, groups, social workers, psyciatrists and here and there a shrink, all these people and places have one thing in common: they tell you what to think...
Constantly telling you how far gone, lost, fucked up and addicted you are, and its that way of thinking and reasoning that always re-opens and festers the fucking scar. The whole message they send to you is based and built on negativity. And its due to all that unnessacary shit the truth you cannot see. In this dark cloud you are always walking and this 'thing' inside you forever will you fear and about it you are constantly reminded, and due to all these negative thoughts thats constantly implanted from the truth you are blinded. Your thoughts, feelings and fears literally create your whole reality: Once you realize and understand that then out of this prison you placed your mind in you can finally break free. Take back a life that has been yours all along, your not powerless to your addiction - thats what they want you to think but that whole fucking message is just so wrong!!!

The subject of this post is retirement cause thats what it is, if i post here again its probably gonna be 1 of the nearly 200 unedited posts that is saved under my drafts or on my laptop although ive looked at a couple of them and except for struggling to relate to them they knot my stomach and that negative thinking...i dont need now. Even just writing the 2nd half of this post wasnt cool but im busy constructing a new blog...
Thefundamentalparadox.blogspot.com
...cause if you can change the way you feel about yourself, your life and your world...ANYTHING is possible.


'This is the end, my only friend the end' (Actually its a brand new beginning)

The Doors - The End

A word 2 the wise or not so wise??

Look at yourself and your life/world around you and you will see what you think about yourself at the very core of your being
peace and love
neil

Fuck addiction

Addiction is probably the biggest catch22 in this life, except for the obvious problems - shit is always rife! Have you ever sat down and wondered why, and if you did how many tears did you waste, did you cry? In the way psyclogy and psyciatry braiwashes our everything, then youll realise why so much misery it does bring. Dont see this as all of a sudden im in this purple cloud or captain fucking recovery, i just handed the problem over to my higher self or my real me...
'Hi, my name is neil and im an addict', that thought stays planted and it sucks dick. 'Youll be a fucking addict untill you die', have you ever thought about the sense in that and the why? NEVER EVER forget that your an addict and that youll always be! It doesnt take a fucking rocket scientist the reality behind that to see. Due to all those statements you ARE always meddling in your addiction and all your shit, plain and simple and that is it...
Positive or negative the universe delivers what you ask for, plain and simple; nothing less and nothing more. Energy, vibration and basically a walking electro-magnet is what you are, with all that 12 step brainwash and bullshit youre creating and vestering in your own scar. When you prep hectically, set a date and fear going cold turkey, you cramp, you shit, you cry, no sleep and out of years of experience i can finally see...
The law of attraction is plain, simple and basic, cause of all that bullshit you make it so bad it really sucks dick. I know its not easy not to focus on all that shit in any way BUT if you can change your mind about it: taste and feel the joys of breaking the habit then half the battles won and it turns into childs play. Just remember that your hates and fears shape your life and thats a fact and lifes biggest reality, dont focus on the negative, the hole youre in, the sick and then youll see...
Fearing the bad and worrying about falling back aka the dreaded fucking word: RELAPSE, thats the simple fucking reason why you get so tense and cant relax. Think what you want but in total ive been addicted to chemicals for 18 long and miserable fucking years, and never ever coming and staying clean has always bean one of my dreaded and greatest fears. Since ive started focussing, feeling and living the joys of being clean, this time round has been the easiest its ever been...

'Mr Rabbit says: a moment of realisation is worth a thousand prayers'

Natural born killers

XxXxXxXxX

I swear veins dont just collapse but also hide, a while back i stared at them with a certain sense of joy, maybe even pride. Really didnt even have to look to find which one to abuse? I couldnt make up my mind as to which one to choose. Can still remember thinking to myself 'oh my god! My babies are back!', and that just after a while of cutting them some slack. And just a short while later back into hiding they went, wherever there was a vein - now theres a dent???
From shooting back to chasing for the sake of my veins, cause poking hundreds of holes while searching just causes aches and pains. Blood running down your arms and dripping on the floor, between the cigarette burns or the blood stains on my clothes i dont know which is more? All i know is my chest is burnt fucked from laying down with a smoke while nodding and my arms are fucked from looking for a vein, poking and prodding...
THE END.

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first."

Jim Morrison

Confused equals...

Its just fucking negative shit this fucking addiction causes in your life every day, constantly wishing yourself and your life away. All i want to do is get over this shit, nothing major - just sobriety and thats it. Its not too much to ask not alot to want, why am i constantly making these bad choices like a stupid fucking cunt? Meddling in this shit and i dont know why, so numbed out i dont even have any tears left to cry...
All you are stuck with is anger, hate, frustration and craving, so eagerly at the beginning yourself you were enslaving, yet back then you saw it as naughty and a twisted sense of fun yet it wouldve been so much easier just to stay away maybe even run. But NOOOO! A clever fucking ass Ive always been, with my personality the outcome i shouldve seen. Now im stuck here in this deep dark fucking hole, nothing left but a broken dream and what feels like an impossible goal...
Just to say no and to stay the fuck away from using, looking at my arms full of holes and purple from all the bruising. A big sigh is the only way this emotion to explain, all this hurt caused by trying to numb out the pain. I dont even think there is sense in anything im writing, so fucking sick and tired of this constant inner fighting. Stupid arrogant fucking prick, idiotic motherfucker clever dick...


"You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."

Toni Morrison - Song of Solomon

Entertainment

On the one side im praying for a huge fucking miracle and on the other side im getting fucked over majorly by my corrupt not-so-free-anymore-will? If you think it sounds confusing to you? Your not alone cause the same goes for me too. I literally imprisoned my own mind voluntarily, using my best friend aka my worst enemy, the sweetest yet most disgusting kiss youll ever taste; while its the easiest yet hardest way to lay your whole fucking life to waste...
Without her its just so fucked up to pick up the pieces bit by bit, powerless is how you feel when you try to fix all this shit. Every day a step further away from yourself you take, due to all the fucking morals and values through the years you did break. Why the fuck am i always whining and complaining? On its own this fucking addiction is already so draining. If i could just shut the fuck up for a short little while and accept that I really fucked up everything with a style...
Im literally the best at anything and everything i do, unfortunately the same goes for how hard myself i can screw. Wish i could focus that arrogance on getting out of this fucking hole, even just a bit of it to start taking control. Actually i should know by now the word control doesnt go in the same sentence than chemical dependancy, ive proved it to myself over and over so by now the truth i should see. One is too many and a thousand will never be enough, not original but every now and then there is some truth in some of the NA's stuff...


"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - Elective Affinities