??????????????????!

A piece of art in the making, the dead crust around my black heart breaking, reminiscing on distant, far away and fractured memories consisting mainly of haze, yet the clear ones always make you reflect on the bad days, your whole gutter-mentality you need to change, every single detail in your life you need to rearrange, its really just too many big fucking choices to make, but then there is the plus point of so much less in life you need to fake, you really have to turn all of it around, and start to get both your feet firmly on the bloody ground, understand and grow from all the death and hellish dark holes where you've been, comprehend and learn from all the blinding light you've seen.
Coming back from a long 16 year journey in the dark, for the first time ever you only need to be a survivor and not a shark, so which is the right road to take from here, what is it that your heart truly has to fear? Is it all the precious time you have to spend, to let this shattered and splintered heart of yours mend - beaten, broken and bruised in a million and one different ways, yet to fix it you have to go really deep into your yesterdays - And that's really the one place you never again want to be caught - cause to shake it off and leave it behind is for years the only thing you sought, now that is a perfect case of a situation called a catch twenty-two and with yourself you can reason and fight until you are fucking blue. Because that sequence of moments can to your sanity be overpowering and as a result it will feel to you like a part of yourself you are devouring...
How many doors can one person slam shut in their own face, for how fucking long can someone actually be to themselves a disgrace? If u think about it - how low do u think you can actually sink, I can promise you its much lower than u could even start to think, all your morals and values will b tested and put on trial and if you don't have strength of character you will fail with a fucking style. You'll be so fucking surprised at how far you yourself can misplace and at the end of the day you'll find yourself in a extremely shimmy and hellish place. Its sort of like a zombie strolling through hell and how strong you are - only time will tell. So what the fuck is there left for you to do, I can promise you that you never realized that this is how hard yourself you can screw. Every day from morning to night, u have to be crazy to think that living like this is right, after stumbling and falling around in this self created, designed, created and styled personal hell, regretting and reminiscing on every single time u got up and after a huge fucking struggle again fell, how much guarantee do u have that this time you'll actually keep on standing, do u have the energy and focus that this process is demanding?

' Time alone - oh, time will tell:
Think you're in heaven, but ya living in hell' - Bob Marley

Nearly done

6 in the fucking morning, everyone else is still snoring, sitting awake like a fucking big ass, might as well have been smoking glass, nothing 2 do at this time of day, just wishing some time of your life away, watching the world at peace and enjoying their sleep, thought coming to you this time of day is quite deep, cramps in your stomach-already they start, everything else is alright except for your heart, beating too fast-beating too slow, your body wants to stay-your head wants to go, leave your warm comfortable bed to go and score, after that first hit your head just wants more, never knowing when its all gonna end, only after your broken head you mend, sometimes strength you receive to break free, really starting to miss yourself your real me, just being yourself more than once in a while, yet falling back at lives first trail, no one can say you are wrong or weak, not really understanding why you peak, all these thoughts run through your head and still it 6 in the morning and you're still in your bed.

Testing-1-2-testing

So where the hell do u go from here, how the hell do u run away from the fear, consuming every little thing in its way, you might not live to see another day, what the fuck am I on about, maybe I should just scream and shout, get out of this deep fucking hole, reflect move forward and maybe start going for your goal, no more of your stupid crying in the rain, how in the name of god can you get over this scarring pain, sometimes it just drives u insane but you're stupid enough to take the same road again....
How many more tears do I have to cry, how many close friens still have to die, when will you actually see the light or do u really like the whole fight? Every single second of day battling to survive, how much longer for just normality can you strive, closer to dead every step you take, screwing yourself with every choice u make. Beautifully falling on your face, to your family you're a big fucking disgrace, can't keep up with life's pace and just being yourself is what you chase...
So what is the right thing to do? When this hard you yourself screw. How do you just for once enjoy your day? When this monkey on your back doesn't go away. sometimes just wishing the freaking world is ending, then for once you can stop pretending, that everything is gonna be just dandy and fine and start realizing that the choice to be happy is mine.
To all this what can I say, sometimes you don't even want to see another day, constantly wishing yourself away and all this shit started out as a naughty game to play...
What the fuck do you base your truth on? Where did u get those morals from? Can you not see what you are doing? Can you not see its just yourself you are screwing? When? I ask you are you gonna change yor way, when are u gonna realise how deadly this game is that you play? Cut the baptist sermon my friend, then we can just start 2 pretend, that the truth doesn't bite, we no longer have to fight, although you've really lost sight of what is wrong and what is right...


' And I forget just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind'

Nirvana - smells like teen spirit

Dunno, dunno, dunno?

To be or not 2 be? Or just 2 plain fucking stupid to see, so stuck in your bloody ways yet so completely pathetic in your displays, running around like a chicken that's just lost its head, take my word for it your better off dead, heroin coursing through every single vein, just trying to take away the pain, at the end your just creating more and all you want to do in life is score, Until your lying dead on the floor, at least u didn't up being a whore?
Crazy motherfucker, stupid cock sucker, where is all this shit gonna end, how fucking long will u still b able to pretend, that all your shit isn't falling apart and its never to late to restart, find your way and come to the light, how much longer do u sill wanna fight, all fucking day long, at least this shit makes u strong, crazy little ass, all this shit started with smoking grass, it even made a turn at shooting glass and you thought u were having a blast?
To the gutter u clever little prick, fortunately all the drugs didn't make me too thick? We'll just have to wait and see what the rest of this experience holds for me, its quite the road too walk after all this basing and not even to mention the shooting and chasing, what the fuck were you trying to prove? All it did was leave you in this deep fucking groove, and now the getting out part, it can't be that hard, but where the fuck to start, make a choice and just look inside your heart...

'If you ever need anything please don't hesitate
to ask someone else first
I'm too busy acting like I'm not naive.
I've seen it all I was here first

Out of the ground
Into the sky
Out of the sky
Into the dirt'

Very ape - Nirvana