Cheese toast

Everything in your entire exsistance, every single cell of your being is shouting and screaming: NO!!! Yet, there is this teeny-fucking-tiny-wee-little part of you that just doesn't wanna let go? Actually this part its not even originally a part of you; its something that with time you've cultivated it, fed it and with time more and more exponentionally it just grew. Its not even remotely possible to explain it to anyone who has never ever personally been in this situation, and i can promose you they'll never ever in their whole entire fucking life understand this explanation...
Always being bugged by this bloody monkey on your fucking back and you've got the top of the range model: the deluxe. And i'll never ever be able to explain to you how fuckedup it is and how hectically bigtime it really sux. Every single aspect of your life is completely fucked and i mean completely and totally spiralled out of control, the only thing that's getting stronger and stronger here is your soul? For the rest? pissed-off and annoyed is what you mostly get and then theres also the milliions of oppertunities you've missed that you regret...
So many oppertunities just fucking whizzing by, mostly all you wanna do is shout, scream and cry. Being so completely lost in oblivion and that's more than just quite fucked up, and then to get out of this position you put yourself in is gonna take mre than jst luck, a huge foolproof idea: a touch of brilliance, im talking a huge fucking masteplan is what you need here. And the irony that plan you nade was the easy part - cause after that you really meed the strenght to stick with your choice without showing any fear...

'Cause every time I go to try to leave, Someone keeps pullin' on my sleeve. I don't wanna, but I gotta stay. These drugs really got a hold of me.
Cause every time I try to tell them "no". They won't let me ever let them go. I'm a sucker all I gotta say: These drugs really got a hold of me.

Eminem - Drug Ballad

Depression, confessions and obsessions

Everything in your life feels like its driving you completely insane, eveything you do feels complete pointless, mind-numbing and completely mudane. Just to get out of bed in the morning takes a lot of motivation and to keep going for the day takes ALOTTA inspiration...
I mean you can put an end to all of this shit right this second, but i thought u were a force with too be recond? Constantly thinking about putting a bullet in your head or the less messy options - hanging or a OD instead? It wont be much of a loss to me, but the again my brother will break if another dead relative he has to see...
So for the one or two people who love and care for me, i have to get up, make my presence known and let them see.; that this world is not gonna push me over and fuck me hard, i have to pick myself up; sort everything out and have to figure out where to start. The bullet in the head still sounds much easier tho, cause the other option is emotionally draining asn slow...

'Look on the bright rside, suicide. Lost eyesight I'm on your side. Angel left wing, right wing, broken wing. Lack of iron and/or sleeping. Protector of the kennel. Ecto-plasma, Ecto-skeletal. Obituary birthday. Your scent is still here in my place of recovery'

Nirvana - Milk it
.

Death becomes me

Why the fuck do i think about taking my own life the whole time? I cant b that big a crime. Just to the people u leave behind, that selfish choice you made was unkind...

oopsi daisies

Almal se poes, translated everyone's fat fucking cunt...and thats constantly how i feel and the hate behind it is real so.. almal se poes en klaar

Merry christmas and a happy new year

So many lost thoughts in my head are just casually flaoting around, it wudve been okay if they didnt make a sound. But NOOO! These sons of bitches have 2 scream and i promise u thre is not a second of silence inbetween. Filling and Swarming around and around in my head all freaking day, i mean really: can't they just go away. Or even for a a day or two just pause but out of this there is no exit clause...
Gods truth: fighting it doesnt solve it in any way at all, if you were to constanly fight with it over your own feet u will fall. From this yourslf subconciously you have yourself to remove. If you take me for example: im living proof. The more you fight it the worse it gets, and then in the mix it throws all your regrets...
So now you are stuck with more than the usual shit in your head thats just storming, and none of it is in any way heart warming? Just negativity and hate bouncing around, and i also promise you that its much worse than what i make it sound. Atleast all this shit has eventually got to go away, cause one of us is leaving and i promise you: Im here to stay!!!!

lAnd a song I was writing is left undone. I don't know why I spend my time. Writing songs I can't believe. With words that tear and strain to rhyme.

Kathy's song - Simon and Garfunkel

Fuck you all

Im at this point: fuck every single one and every single little thing, that in my life unhappiness and misery may try to bring. Just push, shove or even headbut them out the fucking way, cause if they wanna fuck around they shuold find another place to play. Leave me the fuck alone, get out of my way and in my life - Stop fucking around. Ive got confidence in you cause to leave me alone and stop talking shit about me is actually much easier than it may sound...
I mean, really? How interesting can my freaking life actually be, that your so focussed on me that the magic in your own life you dont even see? Gossiping to bring me down so the people in the conversation can get distracted and forget, that at the end of the day the ones gossiping the most are the ones with lives full of unhappiness, misery and regret. Cause thats the sad part of their mediocre exsistance and behind that is an extremely mindnumbingly dull story: yet im a cunt cause i believe in living each moment in the moment and living by rules like: 'no guts, no glory'...
But there is always some stupid fucking cunt trying to cockblock you; then pulling out your hair seems like the most logical thing to do? Fuck them all in every likely position, form, way and shape! Im im not allowing anyone anymore my to dreams to rape. Im gonna have everything that you with success compare, but the thought of who i am and where i come from will always and forever be there...

'FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!!MOTHER FUCKER!!!!'

Killing in the name - Rage against the Machine

Subject; subject; subject

Do you really want to see how fucking retarded and selfish you can be? Just pick up a quick addiction and i promise you that you'll see. Nothing or no one will ever again stand even half a chance, while your still really just drag yourself around like a zombie in a trance. The one and only thing you are ever concerned about is your next freaking fix for the next hour: and then till lunchtime u might have some freaking strenght and a little bit of power...
Just to walk around and work for a while but I can promise u really that sooo fake is this fucking smile. Food or drugs? Is there really even a choice to make, cause this money to the nigerian im definately take, we can worry about our health and unimportant things like eating again tomorrow, im on a buzz, i dnt hve time for pain and sorrow...
But when u slowly and surely start recovering or coming down, all your issues return while so hungry youll actually express it with a frown. All the aguish and pain that jumps right back will bite you in the ass and that cant even be fixed or forgotten by smoking shit loads of grass. So what do you about all this selfishness and pain? Your too way to sensitive to ignore it so i'll probably just go in-fucking-sane...

'I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.' - Kurt Cobain

Stars and stripes, dollars and white pipes

Yet another day with a million and one oppertunities that dragged their feet as they casually strolle by. All of them I completely ignored or fucked up, and that for me is reason enough to cry. What all with this day could you have achieved? The amount of oppertunities wasted: it cant even be believed...
Taking that first huge leap and making the right choice - showing yourself that you can still listen to your inner voice; however faint and distant it may sound - sometimes if the wind is blowing right; it brings it round. After hearing amd getting that reality check, you'll start to realize your life is a complete wreck...

'All I'm writing is just what I feel, that's all. I just keep it almost naked. And probably the words are so bland.' - Jimi Hendrix

Planning on killing you dreams?

For soo many years have you put yourself through an undescribable amount of agony. Your world turned to shit around you but you were either too high or arrogant to see. Maybe out of my thumb can i suck one good excuse more...? You were busy making a way for cash to go and score. Actually that last excuse is so always soo fucking true - cause you're constantly busy with it yet its the only thing you dont want to do...
I suppose thats the main concern why everything just turned to shit, i mean running around all day to make money just to feel normal by taking a hit. So i suppose there is your main reason why your life completely collapsed and fucked out; but it can be rectified so leave me and go and find someone who wants to hear you sceam and shout. I mean i was stupid and here and there a bad choice did i make, no ones perfect so dont tell me you've never in you life out of curiousity made a mistake?...
After being bitten by that fucking god damn curiousy bug, along with alotta bad choices that caused the addiction and then started to rot. my advise to you would be: find something to believe in and start praying - like ALOT! Cause the rollercoaster ride of your life is yet to come - and i will promise you it wont all be games and fun. Pain, hurt, fucked up emotions, a bad name and even the worst stigma you can ever get. and when this whole fucked up party is over, your parting gift? A huge motherfucking overfull box full of regret...

"Sex, drugs, and insanity have always worked for me, but I wouldn't recommend them for everyone." - Hunter S. Thompson

When?

Every single little bump in the road you may hit; good or bad, it causes such amazing and uncontrollable shit. Usually when something happens and you dont know what to do - thats when shit really gets to you. But why would you have the desire to fuck it up when things are getting better and it starts going well? If you know the answer to this one of lifes mysteries; please share your secret and please do tell...
Cause this one i've literally being trying to figure this one out for years, and whenever i get close to all the answers of life the universe and everything...it just fucking dissapears; i suppose its usually cause you're so fucking tweaked or you just pass out, then when you come to your senses you cant even remember what the fuck you were talking about. All the answers are there for the taking if it wasnt for all yor brain frying, cooking up and wake and baking...

"A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemicalcompound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole." Frank Zappa - The Real Frank Zappa Book