How much is too much?

Everythings bright and everythings new, look how much you've accomplished and its all u; you really have so fucking much to be grateful for - you've picked urself up and no longer are you laying face down on the floor. Trying not to romantasize to make it sound like it wasnt all fun, and for sorting your life out: A-fucking one. The problem is in the fact that it wasnt all bad and here in lays the harsh reality my lad...
That something that fucked you up so badly, now that is gone from your life it leaves u so sadly? Strange as what it might seem; testing-testing: this is not a dream. And as badly as you just want to wake up out this bad nightmare, youre fighting to stay asleep cause reality is what gives you the real fucking scare...
Harsh, crude and extremely cold that the way life i see, and then sometimes its just plain fucking trippy? There is really nothing that makes sense at all in any way, your life is running out - wasted, there, its gone: another day! So how are you gonna face this issue head on? Well have to work on that but ill gaurantee you ill need too stay strong...

'We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.'

Albert Einstein

Heroin, methadone, subutex, suboxone, pax and stilnox

Smarties to keep jou going, or is it actually real progress youre showing? Dont even try and bullshit me, you are soo fucking zonked and everyone can see, sunken eyes deep and dark, from being just a survivor back to being a shark. Atleast all these pills keep you at bay, and yes; they take the cravings away. But without them you are so fucking lost and far gone - cause its really these babies that keep me strong...
Just a legal numbing out of your pain, only things that are borderlining you from going insane. I must admit detox meds have gotten better a million fold, but once their addictive power have you in its hold: Fuck! Its harder to get off all these tablets than smack itself and thats my promise to you. The thought and justification of legal opiates can really with your mind screw...
Its alright and better cause its not smack but still you have none of your power back. Well to outsiders it might look as if you kicked the shit but your still feeding your addiction bit by bit. Still numbing out the pain and giving away your power yet your still constantly awaiting your final hour, then maybe you can be rid of this once and forever, you must really be fucked up if you consider death an answer, no! never...

'If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.'

Kurt Cobain

Im over these bloody subjects

Opened my eyes this morning and already i had to put up a huge fucking fight, but fighting addiction and the cravings is neither fair nor right. Its so fucking crazy and difficult to ignore - when in your head has its own agenda to go and score. It beats down on you as if youre being struck by a hammer - for every step or solid choice you make - in the works this asshole throws a spanner. Yes! no, no, YES! no, no and then again that last overpowering: YES! just to make the dominoes tumble, all of a sudden your nose starts running, body aching, stomach cramping and thats when all your resistance starts to crumble...
I was fine untill i convinced myself to go and score and now the only thought on my fucking mind is another hit: MORE! That was part of the reason and logic i tried myself with to convince, and now all the strengh and power is completely fucked up, mashed and minced. Fucking waisted and no longer there - but cause you have no one to dissapoint you sort of dont care. Yet the hit was dissapointing as expected and quite shit, that was also part of my watertight arguement but still i went along with it???
This really makes no fucking sense to me at all, my sytem is sorta clean so im not going through cold turkey or any withdrawel. Only when my head goes into gear to go and score then all of a sudden i get anxious, nausious and my muscles get sore? Really, that is addiction playing a sick and twisted game with me and ive been caught up in it long enough this to see. So i have no legit or even mildly good reason to fuck out? So for the love of god - what the fuck is this all about...

'All I'm writing is just what I feel, that's all. I just keep it almost naked. And probably the words are so bland.'

Jimi Hendrix

This is the end ??

Why the fuck cant i just take this one last step into the unknown? I know my path is at its end cause in my dreams to me its been shown? Yet why the fuck cant I get past day three? God! There has to be something drastically wrong with me? Going cold turkey has become part of my weekly routine, for once cant i just properly come clean? For fuck sakes cant i just turn my life around? To anyone whos never been addicted before: thats soo much fucking harder than what it sounds...
When youre high you know every right decision make, you can lay out the perfect plan and know excactly which road to take. You can visualize yourself being a success and taking over the world in a year, ready for anything and everything without a single dash of fear. There is fuckall in your life that you cannot achieve cause thats how hectically in yourself and your better judgement you believe, thats only when you are completely stupid eyed and your pupils are the size of pin points, and in your system a valium or two plus a couple of joints...
But when you body starts freezing and the shit pulls out your your system; thats when you find yourself stuck in another conundrum. All this belief and strenght you saw in yourself turns to into distant memories of shit, and all your plans of change and moving forward: it stays thoughts and thats it. Very rapidly starting to fear reality and all the pain life brings, and the worst songs of regret and failure your head shouts out and sings. Fucked up in the head and thats all i can say, lets just hope and pray i can beat this motherfucking cunt drug some day...

'You don't want to waste your life.
I walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me.
Change'

Counting Crows - A Murder of One

Yet another FUUUUUUCK !!!

Theres such an undescribanle love between a junkie and his spick and ive probably said this before but it really sucks dick. I really dont have the foggiest as to why its so fucking appealing? Yet for another hit youll even find yourself begging, worshipping all whilst kneeling. Its a sick and twisted type of desperation you might confuse with love, but never ever again will you have the freedom to do anything or even in your head fly away like a dove. Your whole world, literally fucking everything rotates around your tools, this is really the weapon of choice for stupid fucking smartass fools...
But once upon a time you promised yourself that drugs youll never touch, yet in this fucking life of yours youve seen and done your fair share plus an additional way to much. I mean sticking a needle in your arm doesnt just happen overnight; cause for fucksakes when i was younger they used to give me a huge fucking fright. If i saw a needle nevermind it going into my arm and id pass out slap, bang waking up to what feels like the next day, nope -before you get there, theres is alot of morals and values that need to get stripped away. At your most fucked up and desperate must you be to take that step or to be cool infront of your friends but fuuuck that stupid choice or popularity booster will only end up in tears of regret...
By trying to repress the old scars youre just creating fresh ones that only know about: deeper, harder and more; and the newer ones is much harder to heal than the set you had before. With each chop it slashes rips, cuts and festers more yet youre the one holding the axe, just going at it beating and chopping away at yourself without even taking a moment to relax. Fucking youself over harder and harder with every bad choice you make, 600 black and yellow sighnboards to show the way and still the wrong road youll take. I dont know what the fuck with myself im gonna do cause how much harder can one person themself screw???

'Keep myself away...
how am i gonna keep myself away from me?'

Counting Crows - Perfect Blue Buildings

Another two days

So weird that when im clean i dont have much to say, normaly im bubbling over in everyway, maybe its cause im shitscared of the day that lays ahead of me, going to work and getting paid - god this is gonna be a huge test for me. Being locked inside your flat for two days is one thing, but lots of fuckups can being back in the world bring. For the next month im gonna be walking a wobbly fucking tightrope over the abyss, if i wasnt so selfconcious in my pants out of fear id probably piss...
Its five in the morning and the world is has started waking. Well? Im snug warm back in my bed cause since four ive been baking, not much ambition at this moment in time, for fuck sakes ive been clean for two days so this shouldnt be dubbed a crime. No rehab, no support system, home on my fucking ace, on the one side im looking forward to go to work just to get out this fucking place. For two days my prison was also my fucking salvation, well being locked in just prevented a bad situation...
Voice is still squeaky, body quite numb, most of the time ill just feel stupid or dumb. Body is completely outa fucking control stomach is fucked, and all off a sudden i realize that this day has already started balls to suck. Sitting on my bed tablet under my tongue, although i even this is sooo fucking wrong. Cause in 5 minutes ill be buzzing and the worries of the word turn warm and fuzzy...

'White lips, pale face. Breathing in snowflakes. Burnt lungs, sour taste. Light's gone, day's end. Struggling to pay rent '

Ed Sheeran - The A Team

Another fuuuck !!!

Thats what happens when you are nodding first thing in the day, you start typing but things dont go your way. Wake up out of your heroin dream, your still in the taxi but how long has it been? Long enough to send through half a fucked up post, i didnt push send; it mustve been a fucking ghost. Cause i was still very-very far gone, then got pulled back to reality by a certain song. The tone that says an email i recieved, how the fuck did that happen and who would believe...

'please forgive me, i know not what i do'

Bryan Adams

Another huge fucking sigh

Running home to take a another fucking hit, even sadder than that reality is that im not even im the mood for it? Yet my legs are carrying me as fast as they can go, my head shouting out cries of: DONT! and NO!! Swearing at myself with words quite fucking vile, yet after im finished bullshitting myself i always sit with this naughty smile. Its as if one part of me has achieved this huge fucking success and its a plain and simple situation: just fuck the rest...
After the hit all i feel is how you feel every day - normal, then for a while you can go on with your life and act quite formal, yet in the back of your mind you are timing for an hour, cause to hold out for longer than that you dont have enough strenght and power. Here by 50 minutes the time starts dragging the fuck along and for this last 10 minutes you have to be really-really strong. You look on the clock and what felt like an hour was only 2 minutes that went past; i mean for the love of god: how long can these 5 minutes actually last...
Another two minutes then you can take your next hit. Wait another 2 whole minutes? Fuck that shit! In my mind im already cooking up in anyway, i can aim for an hour again another day. This battle is like an infant fighting with Mike Tyson or one man taking on a herd of bison? FUUUUCK!! Its a hectic fucking mission to get off this shit, the easiest way is to just say NO the first fucking time round and THATS IT!!!

'I've seen the needle and the damage done. A little part of it in everyone. But every junkie's like a settin' sun.'

Neil young - The needle and the damage done

Wroom-wroom

First fuckingtime that ive ever gotten this pissed-off and annoyed with myself and me. Clean and sober for a while then again you fuck out - couldnt i just let this shit be? But no! I aways have to fuck it up good and solid and this time round i cant even say it burnt a hole in my wallet. Cause im accustomed to always being flat fucking broke but this time round its not even a joke...
Everything you own gets reduced to smack in price, and to let it go you dont even think twice. Fucking scary how much assets i can accumilate in a week. Its just a fucking pity its so difficult to keep. Yet after every lapse you own even less than before. God dammit! Whats wrong with having more. Everything that comes into this path of distruction gets reduced to a hit or three, im not vey clever but there must be something hectically wrong with me...

'Upside down! You're taking me underground. Your breaking me down, down, down. You're tearing me inside out. You burry me.
This ain't no one night stand. I gotta do it again and again!'

Dope - Addiction

Still subjectless

So much shit constantly on your fucking mind, yet to all your worries smack sorta makes you blind, unfortunately its not completely gone; cause you can constantly feel in your gut that theres something wrong. Knawing away at your being and fucking with your sanity, if only 18 years ago you let all this shit be. But there is FUCKALL use to cry over spilt milk today cause it aint gonna make any of your shit go away...
No one who is right in the head would make the same stupid fucking mistake over and again and then a couple of times more, there has to be something wrong with you if it doesnt scare you off every time you turn around at deaths door. In your life how many shrinks have you seen, back to your childhood a million times youve been. Trying to figure why in the name of god you always come running straight to your forbidden love: smack, hating every second of addiction yet with open arms you always welcome her back? Most of the time it feels like you're fighting this huge fucking battle in vain and then one wrong move and all your energy and efforts go down the drain...

'Cuz every time I go to try to leave, something keeps pullin on my sleeve. I dont wanna but I gotta stay these drugs really gotta hold of me. Cuz everytime I try ta tell 'em no they won't let me ever let 'em go. I'm a sucker all I gotta say is drug's really gotta hold of me'

Eminem - Drugs got a hold on me