Deeper than u thought?

What the fuck else is there left to do, the whole world sux & everything seems so fucking blue, crying in the rain, really experiencing the pain, cut so fucking deep the fleshwound u don't even feel, yet the pain & hurt in your life is fucking real, really, really experiencing every second of it, and unfortunately you're not numbing it out a bit, doing your best to try to forget but the only thing harder is living with the regret, the first ever in your life ever - always trying to be clever asshole and then one day you find yourself in a deep fucking hole, and for more than half your life you gave up your soul, one of those scars that never heal and trust me the pain is real, the longer you numb it out the more you forget what its really about, but what if u learn from this whole process? Did u in anyway really progress. Move forward in any way, while u through a whole big part of yourself away? But what if the pain of all the experiences were too much for you to really be able to cope, they say hope is a bad thing but will it be really wrong to hope? That finally, once and for all - just maybe one day, all this shit you brought over and into your life would just fuck off and go away!!!


'Now I lay me down to sleep
Pray the lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Pray the lord my soul to take'

Metallica - enter the sandman

More than lost

Every dark cloud has a silver lining? There's always light at the end of the tunnel? If there were no downs in life you would never notice or appreciate the ups? Always telling everyone to live by these stupid fucking cliches yet when im down & completely fucked I can't or even don't want to see the sense in any of this shit. When your heart gets ripped out of your chest, if the person who you love more than life chooses not to be in your life anymore and denies her true feelings for you then you don't want to hear any of this positive crap the world sells to you like crack and like a stupid fucking addict you just ignore all reason and logic and go back for more and more and more no matter what the cost,its the same with love lost and doubting that you'll ever get that very special and amazing person back in your life-you'll run head first into that brick wall over and over again just expecting a different result(i believe that is Einstein's explanation of insanity)but isn't that what love and being in love does to you-it makes you temporarily insane cause you also forget about all reason and logic and just focus on what your bleeding, aching heart wants completely ignoring all the facts and all the harsh realities surrounding fucking yourself up emotionally and just prolonging the pain and at the end of the day that what used to uplift you is now pulling you down to the point of losing your fucking mind trying to regain the most perfect love and happiness you once shared with that one special person you would do anything for, just wishing somewhere deep inside they still feel the same or that they still remember the good intentions you have or the true and pure love you felt for each other and the way you touched each others lives in the most amazing ways, ways words can't even express-the right words have not been invented yet and only two people who has shared the most amazing and purest love would know what I am talking about, an intimate experience shared through love and understanding so intricate and so amazing and yet at the end of the day so easily fucked up by sad and miserable people who can't stand it to see other people enjoying this experience, bad judgement and bad choices. Its a known fact that the universe is in perfect balance and always balances itself out but this is just fucked up-how can something so pure and amazing be followed by so much hate, anger and hostility and the worst part of it all is that it is all so fucking unnecessary, how can two people that shared the purest and most amazing experience life has to offer end up so far apart and the only thing keeping them apart is the people that claim to have their happiness and best interest at heart. How much can you love someone if you are willing to take their happiness away in order for you to be happy, parents are not concerned about the well being of their children, they are too concerned about their own peace of mind to give a continental blue fuck about their children or not even to mention their children's happiness cause you must really be selfish if you are willing to emotionally blackmail your children to get your own way and peace of mind. I understand they want to protect them but at what cost, the cost of their choice, free will and choice and yet they claim to care, yes they care but only about themselves. I also understand they want the best for them but would they rather have them give up on their dreams to be in an emotionally dead an unhappy financially secure relationship at the cost of their happiness so that the parents can have peace of mind of would the rather have them experience true love and happiness and let life and following there passions take care of the rest. In a system based on money and rules that make no sense to me the even the first option makes no sense to me but hey that's just me and I hope for the sake of this civilization there are more people out there that think and act like me cause non are as hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe they are free...

'Your cruel device,
Your blood like ice.
One look could kill,
My pain, your thrill.

I wanna love you, but I better not touch
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much
I wanna taste you, but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison runnin' through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains.

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you callin' and it's needles and pins
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you, but you're under my skin
I wanna kiss you, but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison runnin' through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill.

You're poison runnin' through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

Runnin' deep inside my veins
Burnin' deep inside my veins
Poison'

Alice cooper - poison

Love and hate

It's very difficult to understand that one day you and that very special person you love will do anything and everything for each other, then the next moment its like the plague has developed in you and once the happy bubble bursts there is no going back - or is there? Hope upon hope and dream upon dream you wish you can just wake up and it was all a bad dream, all the regrets and feelings of inferiority just gets washed away like all the dirt gets washed off this planet after a beautiful spring rain, leaving everything feeling and smelling fresh and new, like a complete new beginning, going right back to the beginning, the honeymoon phase of your relationship leaving all the bad behind, back to the love you still feel every day and notice how much you really love that perfect and amazing someone with whom you shared the most perfect time of your life through all the hurt you feel in there absence. And its not about not knowing what you had until it got fucked up, fuck only an idiot would not notice the degree of perfection you found in that special someone who put back all the colors into your dreams, put everything back into perspective and again sparked the realization on how special you actually are. Being happy with yourself is already an achievement but finding someone who completes you in ways you never knew existed never mind have ever felt or even experienced that is the most amazing feeling ever and then just overnight all off a sudden you're not good enough any more, yes I was waiting for the bubble to pop but not like this explosion that ripped everything you thought you knew into a billion little pieces. Not everyone is lucky enough to find that perfect and amazing person who you want to spend and share every moment and experience the rest of forever with and then there are the lucky few of us that actually get to have that someone in your life for a short period of time but I can promise you the moment they get taken away from you no words or amount of tears can explain to anyone who has never experienced it how badly it can hurt not even to mention how badly it can shred your heart into tiny bits of nothing and the only thing that can mend that pain is so near yet so far away and doesn't matter how close they are, if they are not in your arms, holding them so close that u never want to let go not even time can mend this bent, buckled and broken heart of yours. If someone teaches you the true meaning of unconditional love and all off a sudden it gets taken away or becomes conditional that is the true meaning and feeling of pain. Love found and lost leaves you completely empty, aching and dead on the inside...

'your love it's just a dream, we were perfect when we started, I've been wondering where we've gone'

A murder of one - counting crows

Always a fucking struggle

Will it always be such a fucking struggle to stay clean, every wise ass think they know evrything about you if they just here the gossip about where you've been, always twenty different stories going around, as small and petty as it may sound, it really pulls you down more and more and one if these days with their heads im gonna mop the floor, but then ill be the big bad smackhead again, and then again from scratch all the shit will begin, like this vicious circle there is no escape, constantly these people yor emotions they rape, not caring if there is any thruth in what they say, and all you want is for this shit to go away, normally I don't worry about proving anything to anyone but myself and me, yet all these fuckers are too ignorant told see, all they care about is a good and juicy story to boost their ego and to me that a lot about their mentality does show, but what else is there to do but understand, the thruth you can't force or demand, especially from a narrowminded mentality like the ones they posess and to this every day I bear witness. Some people will just never have a fucking clue and about that there is nothing I can do...