nothing

Are you to fucking stupid to realize what the fuck you are doing? I mean - you've gotta know how hard yourself u r screwing, you've been fighting for more than 10 years to get off this shit, your not even craving, not one little bit, everything in your life is starting to take shape and yet you make this choice your sobriety to rape?
You dumb motherfucker: you know where this path goes, look back at your live and see what history shows - that this is 1 fucking game you can't win, you must be really fucking stupid to even wanna begin, in this arena never again should you even show your face; but by god your standing right in front and ready to race?
How many more romantic suicides attempts will you try and how many more times over the same old shit will you cry? And then again you wake up face first flat on the fucking floor and just as you maybe start to level out you dive back in for more. How many more attempts on your life are you gonna make? How many more bad choices can one single fucking person make?
Usually just as things start to clear, when the beginning of a brand new life is near, just as life starts to get to that point you do something stupid like smoke a joint. Or for those who know me I go straight for the big gun cause personally I believe H is just so much more of a gambling-type fun BUT every time I touch that shit...I fuck out and that's it. In a second all aspects of my life will get scarred by a deep burn an yet I actually count the seconds till my next turn?
So what do u do if for more than half your life you've been fried? Normality, sanity, sobriety all that shit I've tried, it just doesn't do it for me and by making that statement I can see that I've got some serious fucking emotional problems lurking inside and the longer I stay sober the harder they are to hide...


'come on tell me.
make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just to thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
make this all go away.
you make this all go way.

i just want something.
i just want something i can never have
you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this is slowly take me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.
i just want something i can never have.
in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.'

Something I Can Never Have - NIN