Really pissed off and annoyed

So pissed off at myself for making that stupid fucking mistake, all this building and mouling to turn into captain fucking recovery just started to crack and break. How can you actually even begin to consider too really fuck yourself over so hard!?! I cant even explain it to you cause i wouldnt have the remotest clue as where to start. Yet ill have to wait what the day of tomorrow will bring; will i be woken by a bit of anxiey or a stomach thats knotted, shouting and screaming?...

'Your health is declinling with your selfesteem, you're crying out for help. Is anybody out there?It feels like I'm talkin to myself. No one seems to know my struggle'

EMINEM/Kobe - Talking to myself

Oops! I did it again

Hows this for fucking youself up the arse? 'If I can't get H for free today, im just going home and smoking grass'. That has to be what you call the most amazing and foolproof masterplan: get 1/2 a gram of smack for free, what ARE the chances man? You text the nigi... and guess what does the motherfucker actually say? The cunt actually says yes cause he's in a fucking 'good mood today?'...
Your whole body and mind turns to jelly cause he shudve said 'NO!', now you are out of control cause everything is shouting and screaming DON'T GO! Yet there is this teeny-tiny wee little ray of lite that picks you up and says: mission; ahoi! Conveniently forgetting all the hard work and arguements with yourself that you are about to destroy. Your mind is made up and your course is alredy set; and your other 99.9% percent is already singing ballads of hardship, pain, gutters and regret...
As you are missioning, 'no and don't go' are the words vicouisly minceing and mauling through your head the most. All the memories of addiction; pain, living in hell and hating every second of your life for years on end...Merely a faint ghost. How can this be logical or make sense in any fucking way? Why would you gamble with everything you have just a quick game of russian roulette to play? You were hiding the fact well that that you've already lost your ming very long ago! But fuck; if you are gonna continue going on like this it's really gonna start to show...

'Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most' - Ozzy Obourne

Emergency 9/11

How many times has the fucking H hit me down to the ground, it's actually worste than what it sounds. Mopping the floor with your face and you see getting knocked down as a disgrace? Atleast you don't give up fighting - it sorta like not being able to stop writing...
Going on forever and a day, wishing your fucking addiction would just go away? Fucking dumbass: do u really think thats gonna work? Its eathr gonna make u crazy or go bezerk!! yes every day of your fucking life, going thru all this shit and strife...
So youll just have to keep fighting, like this always and forever sitting and writing, you cant stop and never should: u must fight this till ur last breath if you could. Never give up on trying to come clean but NEVER EVER forget where you've been...

'I chose not too choose life. And the reason? Who needs reasons when you have heroin?'
Trainspotting

Soooo?

Sure as hell know where you've been - all the crazy & fucked up shit i've seen. Whetht or not i think it left a scar? I dont know but is sure as hell took me far, into all the wrong holes and spaces; the weirdest and utmost fucked up places. I mean if i walk in and feel uncomfortable somewhere then you must know there is some fucked up shit going on there!

'im a loser baby so why don't you kill me.'
Beck - Loser

Return to yourself

You've never ever been far enough away from innnocense to even know that there is such a thing as wanring to return to it. Your life has been in a bubble for so long that im afraid you might not be able to function outside of it - and thats a scary thought, i cant or wont pity anyone for ignorance but ill never support them either. Your whole future has been shaped and moulded according to sumone elses logic and desires. What the FUCK?!?!!!??

'that would be the return to yourself, the return to innocence'
Enigma - Return to innocence

Broken heart

Just one of those fucking parts of life that's hell and how you deal with it only time will tell. Im not saying it gets easier cause fuck me it does not change - different places, same fucking pains. Everytime you let yourself get closer to someone, they hurt you and you want to run...
But for some stupid fucking reason you stay and you actually believe that time will take this away. Why do we punish ourselves like that - is the moment of pleasure really worth the pain, driving into your head nearly causing you to go fucking insane. Or is the insanity worth the pleasure you get, or maybe its the loneliness u dread?

'Here I am, I'm in the wrong bed again, It's a game I just can't win. There you are breathin' soft on my skin, Still you won't let me in
Why save your kisses for a rainy day, Baby let the moment take your heart away.

Have you ever needed someone so bad, Have you ever wanted someone You just couldn't have, have you ever needed someone so bad'

Def Leppard - Have you ever needed someone so bad

Dubidubidubidooo

Always fucking sitting and thinking but about what? Making empty promises about quitting whilst watching yourself rot. From the inside out or from the outside in when the fuck are you gonna begin, to sort your fucking life out and then getting to the top is what is about.

Cudve, shudve

So many different chioces i shudve made, so many different out comes u cudve reached, will you evr know what the right end to your story was supposed 2 b. Not understanding the intricasy of every good or bad choice youve made. From coosing 2 b a hermit, choosing 2 let sum1 in, choosing 2 get hurt - over and over again yet not understanding why, when & where everything fucked up? Yet you were the master of your own fucking misery, you handbuilt this hell you are currently in just by making mre & mre bad fucking choices so u can break down this prison tht u built for yourself but if like me you are the fucking man, the king of lies & the master manipulator, then you hve shit cause breaking down a prison of your own making -wht the fuck?

The end

So intense is this pain that life inflicts you on a daily basis, emotionally fucked up yet you're always putting on all these happy little faces, so fucking harsh this emotional burden u bear, it makes me think of hanging myself so much it gives me quite the scare; all this shit will be gone in one single second of time - could wanting to end all this suffering really be such a fucking crime?
Herion was my friend, heroin was my end. Fucked me over i in ways a million and one, and i used to think this was fun; now all i wanna do is sit in a corner and die. To the 1 or 2 people i hurt due to losing my lifes zest: its nothing personal, i really did, i tried my best....
I promise u that its nothing anyone did - i was just sick of other people and the worlds shit. I dont hope this means that life won, i wont see that on as too much fun? Maybe i shit stand up out of this heap of shit and maybe fight back another bit?

'Look on the bright side is suicide' Nirvana - Millk it

Love is?

Its with quite the speed that it goes from talks about getting married and always being together, always saying that this isn't just a here and now thing but so much bigger; like truly forever and ever. Please never ever leave me or even think about breaking my heart, dont worry my angel: i wont be able to cause i dont wanna rip myself to shreds and completely apart ...
I won't be able to fuction or even wanna live without you in my life, don't you worry about a thing babes: im planning onn making you my wife. Promise? No i mean like pinky swear? Ofcorse my angel and sealed with a kiss on both pinkies to show how much i really care. Having somethimg amazing to work towards, really get ahead and just go for! And then the next moment with your heart they are busy mopping the fucking floor...
Agony in ways that no one thats' ever truly loved or been loved before will never understand, and you just forgetting about the one you love is all that they demand. How is it possible to love someome so much one today, and then tomorrow it just goes away? Then they're perfectly alrite and your stuck with the pain; its enough to drive anyone insane...

'im all out of love, im so lost without you' - Air Supply