How much deeper?

Deeper harder and faster - that's how we addicts like to fuck ourselves over, no lube, no reach and most importantly as hard and violently as possible. So how many times do u like to pound yourself up the ass and then still pretend that you are screaming due to pain? Always just getting to a point where you can just start to see the light and just as you start to get closer you start fearing a new beginning, I mean it doesn't matter what u do from here, as long as u never ever use again everything will start sorting itself out...right? And then? What the fuck do you do? A certain part of you conveniently forgets about all the shit you have been through, all the time you wasted in the gutter and even more time wasted trying to pick yourself up. All the hurt, hate, destruction, the parts of your life you've lost, pawned, sold and even traded for a hit or two - maybe even three, depending on how smooth and sharp you were in the moment and that certain part of you forgets all the moments of cursing, shouting, screaming and wishing your life away. It also knows that the shits that's about to go down will gamble with everything that is good and pure and then you brace yourself for what you try to convince yourself was rape. Screwing yourself over like that - that's not rape! That's just plain outright fucking retarded, calling 99% of the general population idiots but if there was a competition for complete stupidity ill be the one that takes first prize, not even home but straight to the pawnshop and then its always a good time for a hit and that's the exact moment you sign up for that dreaded...what the fuck have I done to deserve this, sorry-ass attitude. How fucked up can one person be to actually want all this hate, anger, rage and negativity in their life yet there is a certain part of you that really struggles to let go but I mean: it really fucking struggles. This part overrides all common sense, all reason, all logic and understanding. It then casually shoves u out the way and takes control of your very being, your very fragile existence, overrides all reason and just goes into a direction. Your common sense and logic is trapped somewhere in there and its screaming to come out of this braindead mode you are in, showing u all the routes to escape, all the safe roads that will lead you home and then you realize the magnitude of your powerlessness and that is an eye opener. That one single second you realize how powerless you actually are and how extremely difficult its gonna be to get and stay in control again that's when u realize what a bitch this reality actually is and how fucking hard she can bite if you fuck with her.
How deep down does this rabbit hole go? Is it something you chose or is it something that chooses you?


'A hero is someone who rebels, or seems to rebel, against the facts of existence and seems to conquer them'
Jim Morrison

F*u*C*k

Its actually quite impossible to explain that something that makes you feel this good can cause so much pain, or was it the pain that put you on this quest to make yourself feel better, and then your quest took you to that huge horrible fucking letter, the big capitol 'H' the one that makes everything feel so much better. The love of your life that makes all your dreams come true, everything seems so perfect that giving yourself completely over seems like the right thing to do? Except for if you don't get it, things quickly go from half alright to completely shit. Little things start to happen: for istance so badly does your skin begin to crawl and you whole world feels like it burnt and then on top of you it did fall. Constantly vomiting up this bile-tasting green slime but that's also only if the diarrhea gives u time. Stomach cramps like no one has ever before experienced or seen - I can promise u that off dead u would have much rather been. But who focuses on the negative when once again you've got a needle in your vain; cause man this shit was created to to take away the pain. The big problem is when u dont get it, ofcorse! Then you start getting this huge feeling of remorse, in a second all of your shit and issues will slap-bang hit you in the face and all off a sudden to yourself you are a disgrace. Hating every second of what you have so casually turned into, really starting to grasp the reality that you really don't have a fucking clue. There are two operative words in a junkies' vocabulary firstly it's score and then that second word is always more...


'No man can lead man, we have to have unity' - Bob Marley

Qwerty & qwertyuiop

Think about it, how far you have actually come from that first bad choice u made, if u realize how much u actually had to trade, yes I agree a lot of knowledge and wisdom you did get out but living in pain and misery isn't the only thing the lesson is about. Although its difficult if your whole life all you've ever seen was some fucked up reality gone wrong and holy shit! I think it carried on for much too fucking long.
So how do u get out of this storm you've created all around you, all your options you've raped so maybe its time to try something new? But where do you start building when most of your reality is built on suffering and pain? Where do u actually draw the line as to what is right and what is sane? Never really knowing in which direction to take your very first baby step and that something so difficult yet so significant can be such a schlep...
All you can do about all this shit is sigh cause you can't forget about it by getting high. What started out as stupidity naughtiness and fun has taken so fucking much away from me that I feel like myself minus one. It turned into a fucking demon I couldn't control & the only thing It didn't take from me was my soul?


'Expression and the right to express is vital, anyone can be artistic' - Kurt Cobain

And u thought you are fucked up?

Every second of every day, just waiting for the clock to strike 12 cause in reality you are just barely existing the 50 or so minutes between hits - every hour on the hour u need your fix, sometimes your habit spirals so badly that it gets to every 30mins and I can promise u thats the longest 1/2hr or hour of ur life - ok I'm lying if you wait for your dealer a hour feels like a year(although the asshole said 10mins) but anyway 8:00, 8:59, 9:55, 10:40 and then you realize if u go on at this speed - i'll b outta gear before your work day is over so you start panicking and then u focus more and more on the time - so i'll have to make up that 20mins with adding 5mins to each hour and that's when u really start stressing so i'll have to wait to 11:45 or maybe even 12:00 - then the fucking time starts dragging the fuck along and here from 11:43 till 11:44 is the longest fucking minute of your entire fucking excistance and just there and then you decide: fuck it! I've waited long enough and there is no better time than now, I mean one fucking minute, who can't wait for a single min, 60sec how long can 1minute be? Trust me if you are a smackhead in that 1 min u can lose ur fucking mind, go completely fucking bonkers, not being able to escape this splitting insanity that is occurring in ur life at this very second but if u think about it, it happens about 5 times a day when you are using junk, and people say only weak people use drugs - wake up and smell the motherfucking coffee, addiction carved you outta stone, strength that can't be taught in any institution on this little green and blue planet of ours, wisdom that raises the bar in ur existence and only if u can put this shit behind u and stop wasting ur time on all this unnecessary drama, shit and adventure in ur life then finally will you be able to take over the world and change it but the reality of the story is: You have to sort yourself out before you can start pursuing your dreams...



'You can live a lie until you die, one thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside' - John Lennon

Sex, drugs and hardhouse

Dying a slow and painful death every day, fucking up your whole life and then silently and desperately wishing it away, how much truth lies within this life completely ripped to shit and what in the name of god did you do with it? So many chances flushed down the fucking drain and in all those around you are constantly inflicting pain, always pushing your body's chemical tolerance to the max, not even taking one single fucking second to relax, then release all that's bad directly into the batter; then the emotional fuckups you're faced with will cause quite the shatter. After 16 years you take your 1st try to make a fresh start but why in the name of god does it have to be so fucking hard? Fearing a life free of struggling, addiction and filled with lies and covered in hate? To any normal or sensible person that would sound so beautiful, amazing and refreshingly great? Yet u have this deep nauseating fear running through every single part of your very existence - and boy does it knock, bang and hammer on you with persistence. How do u overcome a fear that is so majestic, overpowering in every sense of the word and then as well so great, the most sensible thing to do is to engage with yourself in huge motherfucking debate? Telling yourself over and over shit that for years you already know but in the way you live your life and make choices it hasn't even begin to show. So then what is the next step one should persue, what the fuck else is there left to do...? Patiently reak this thing open from the inside out, try to understand what it is really about? So many different ways to try and overcome this thing, yet you are afraid of what a happier and brighter tomorrow will bring, free from these opiate chains that are doing a fucking good job of tying you down and if you don't start moving forward then in this sea of addiction you will definitely drown and die a horribly slow and painful death and you can take my word for it: you will suffer untill your last breath...

'I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
you are the perfect drug'

The perfect drug - NIN

What the fucking hell!????????

Without actually looking for it you'll always find a fucking excuse, any reason 2 forget about logic and then once again you go and fucking use, always lying to yourself, literally all the bloody time, justifying it with things like: if no-one knows its not a crime, once your mind is inclined that way, nothing will make your bad thoughts stray, while you are busy counting your money, in the back of your mouth you can taste the bittersweet honey, after the first hit follows the most beautiful warm glow and then out the window does all that's bad and negative go? Everyone knows you cant take away your pain and sorrow but if it's helping for now so we can stress about it again tomorrow. For now just focus on not focusing on anything, well nothing that any bad vibes will bring, sadly - what goes up must come down and that always causes a huge motherfucking frown but fortunately what goes down only has to recover and sometimes a bit of yourself you'll also discover...so what the fuck am I actually trying to say? drugs will temporarily take your problems away? Quite sadly its not always and forever though - just till the next time you lose yourself and then that one huge hit you throw, then there in the back of your mind again for a while but I promise you when they come back they hit you over the head again with a style - magnified times a million and one and that's the part of being sober that's not too much fun. But sometime or another all this shit you'll have to face so rather pick yourself up and do it with grace than crawling out of a huge heap of shit and the saddest reality is that u created it. Now who would b idiotic enough to create all this chaos and destruction in their own life, how the fuck can u b stupid enough to be the creator of all this strife?

'the child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably numb'

Comfortably numb - Pink Floyd

Sick fetishes ????

A kind of warm breeze like feeling softly and gently running afloat through your body, your mind, yor imagination - floating and tingling through your spine, up, down, up, down soothing, caressing, relieving, relaxing. Like u finally see the truth and get connected to a deeper meaning, a deeper understanding. Forcing the boundaries of your mere existence, realizing the bigger picture, understanding and comprehending the greater good, how many more times do have to lie, rob and manipulate yourself into believing you don't yet understand all of this just so you can take that same deadly roller-coaster ride again, add a second or third bullet in the gun just to spice up that old boring game of Russian roulette just to steal more and more of your nonexistent strength, completely draining your already depleted energy levels, turning your sense of self-empowerment and turn it into complete, total and utter feeling of powerlessness, your sanity will go back to being borderline again in a fraction of the time it took you to regain it. It will steal years and years of your youth in every second you engage in this absolute stupidity, your innocence will get shattered and raped; over and over and over and then over and again, the very flame that burns, drives and is your passion will wither and die and then eventually (although you've been silently and quite regularly been praying for it for years) it will slowly and painfully take your life. Its so fucking stupid, idiotic and plain right arrogant that you actually open yourself up to it, yet its so refreshing that you actually embrace it with every single cell in your existence. Just wanting and needing more and more of this consuming and painfully slow and romantic suicide - completely, totally and utterly intoxicated by this overpowering warm, secure and extremely homely feeling that to an insecure, uncertain and completely unbalanced individual it could get mistaken for a mothers touch, even a warm loving and tender hug, completely misinterpreted as love and then used as a substitution for the real thing. Being so naïve and unstable one does not pause for a single second to remotely begin to even start suspecting that this is your worst enemy quite cleverly disguised as your best friend, your long lost love, the answer to all your questions and the solution to all your problems. Imagine being yourself plus one with the added bonus of risking and maybe even losing every little thing you've got and everyone that you've ever cared for plus everyone that's ever cared for you and really trusted you and trust is one of the hardest things to earn back but its one of the easiest things to lose again and again and then never fucking ever again that I can promise u - ripped out under your feet like a rug, no warning not even a hint just one second you're still standing and the next thing you see you are alone in the dark, flat on your face in this huge pile of shit you have just created for yourself by being your clever old fucking self again. Where do we go from here?

'Once I had, a little game
I liked to crawl, back in my brain
I think you know, the game I mean
I mean the game, called 'go insane'

you should try, this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect, a different steeple

This little game, is fun to do
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right there, I'm going too
Release control, we're breaking thru
Way back deep into the brain
Back where there's never any pain'

The celebration of the lizzard - jim morrison

fuck

So how deep and far can one person fall, how my times can you promise yourself that this is the last time that you put yourself through this fucking withdrawal, how much can you actually hate and curse this miserable little life of yours, shouting and screaming for help until you're hoarse...
constantly climbing and crawling out of this huge heap of shit that you so conveniently and casually put yourself smack-bang straight in the fucking center of, slowly eating away and consuming every shred of your existence, your being, yourself and then after years and years of suffering eventually your life. And yet every single time you make the same stupid fucking decision to conveniently forget about all the pain and suffering you put yourself through and that is when your mind starts running away with you and your body loses complete control. And round about here is where reason and common sense gets casually tossed to the side and the once again you find yourself falling and falling and before u even notice you are right back in that heap of shit you started in...only much fucking deeper.

'We're perched headlong
On the edge of boredom
We're reaching for death
On the end of a candle
We're trying for something
That's already found us'

Jim Morrison - an American prayer

??????????????????!

A piece of art in the making, the dead crust around my black heart breaking, reminiscing on distant, far away and fractured memories consisting mainly of haze, yet the clear ones always make you reflect on the bad days, your whole gutter-mentality you need to change, every single detail in your life you need to rearrange, its really just too many big fucking choices to make, but then there is the plus point of so much less in life you need to fake, you really have to turn all of it around, and start to get both your feet firmly on the bloody ground, understand and grow from all the death and hellish dark holes where you've been, comprehend and learn from all the blinding light you've seen.
Coming back from a long 16 year journey in the dark, for the first time ever you only need to be a survivor and not a shark, so which is the right road to take from here, what is it that your heart truly has to fear? Is it all the precious time you have to spend, to let this shattered and splintered heart of yours mend - beaten, broken and bruised in a million and one different ways, yet to fix it you have to go really deep into your yesterdays - And that's really the one place you never again want to be caught - cause to shake it off and leave it behind is for years the only thing you sought, now that is a perfect case of a situation called a catch twenty-two and with yourself you can reason and fight until you are fucking blue. Because that sequence of moments can to your sanity be overpowering and as a result it will feel to you like a part of yourself you are devouring...
How many doors can one person slam shut in their own face, for how fucking long can someone actually be to themselves a disgrace? If u think about it - how low do u think you can actually sink, I can promise you its much lower than u could even start to think, all your morals and values will b tested and put on trial and if you don't have strength of character you will fail with a fucking style. You'll be so fucking surprised at how far you yourself can misplace and at the end of the day you'll find yourself in a extremely shimmy and hellish place. Its sort of like a zombie strolling through hell and how strong you are - only time will tell. So what the fuck is there left for you to do, I can promise you that you never realized that this is how hard yourself you can screw. Every day from morning to night, u have to be crazy to think that living like this is right, after stumbling and falling around in this self created, designed, created and styled personal hell, regretting and reminiscing on every single time u got up and after a huge fucking struggle again fell, how much guarantee do u have that this time you'll actually keep on standing, do u have the energy and focus that this process is demanding?

' Time alone - oh, time will tell:
Think you're in heaven, but ya living in hell' - Bob Marley

Nearly done

6 in the fucking morning, everyone else is still snoring, sitting awake like a fucking big ass, might as well have been smoking glass, nothing 2 do at this time of day, just wishing some time of your life away, watching the world at peace and enjoying their sleep, thought coming to you this time of day is quite deep, cramps in your stomach-already they start, everything else is alright except for your heart, beating too fast-beating too slow, your body wants to stay-your head wants to go, leave your warm comfortable bed to go and score, after that first hit your head just wants more, never knowing when its all gonna end, only after your broken head you mend, sometimes strength you receive to break free, really starting to miss yourself your real me, just being yourself more than once in a while, yet falling back at lives first trail, no one can say you are wrong or weak, not really understanding why you peak, all these thoughts run through your head and still it 6 in the morning and you're still in your bed.