Sick fetishes

So freaking far away from what the rest of the world calls normality, if only for 1 minute myself through their eyes I cud see; altho the curiousity goes more than just one way - cause I would love it for them to see themselves through my eyes 4 a day. Most things that they see as 'bad' will sort-off be justified and they'll realise tht all this time over nothing they cried...

Our realities and thruths are soo hectically different and far apart - if i had to name them all I wudnt even know where to start. That fucking list would be soo rediculously long; but all the logic behind every reason is really overpowering and strong! We can all make it better if towards a happy medium we all could reach... but the saddest part of this reality is that most of the ignorant motherfuckers you cant teach...or lets rather say an ego-dominated person who 'knows everything' you just cant reach, can't or rather doesn't want to be taught, cause it can't be significant if it's not better than yours and at a highly overpriced botique was bought.

So stuck are they in their ways and these ways are so completely, totally and utterly wrong, listening to their amplified ego talk for just one minute feels like forever and fucking long. So what if for one second they could just shut the fuck up and start listening? And then maybe for once in their lives they could learn something mildly interesting? Something they could carry with them for forever and a day or maybe it even opens up their mind into living life in a completely dirrerent and positive way....

But how the fuck do you talk sense to someone that's always fucking right - i mean thats a sure recipe for a fight. Yet, ill try and try again and again cause to me upsetting their reality is somewhere to begin. My thruth hitting them like a ton of fucking bricks and then they all look like a bunch of dicks. And thats the only pleasure in life i need; knowing that im doing what i can to make us all suceed.

'Hello, is there anybody in there; just nod if u can hear me. Is there any at home. Come on now. I hear you're feeling down, i can ease your pain and get you on you feet again. relax, ill need some information first, just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts' comfortably numb - pink floyd

What the fuck 007

The final destination of this path is completely unknown, flashes here and there have in my dreams to me been shown. But trying to make some sense of it all is quite insane, trying to put together all these bits of pieces that's floating around in my brain. And as if i don't already have enough other shit on my mind, all different forms, shapes and kinds. Ontop if it all are these fragmented scenes just floating around doing their own freaking thing, without the slightest a possibility to connect or together to bring...
Its actually pretty fucked up this so called 'thinking mans curse'...i suppose if you look on the bright side: it cudve been worse?
Sitting here thinking to myself how could this be more fucked up in any way? Then realising that actually it can't so there is really nothing much to say...
Completely powerless as you are drowning in this stormy ocean of thoughts, the darker and deeper you sink: the easier it is to get caught. Fussing and fighting just to get the surface in your sight and then everyone fucks with you and you have to start a new fight. So i ask myself 'when will all this fucking madness end?' the conculusion is tht i dont know but to others I can pretend? Actually im over pretending that everything is perky and alrite; cause this war im not giving up without a huge fucking fight.
Right to the top my way im going to climb and crawl, i really dont give a fuck how many times im gonna fall. All i know that this shit happens for a reason but couldnt some of it be saved for a rainy season? Even a small warning, a hint, a tip would've been appreciated - then maybe i wouldn't have taken it so personal when my innocense got confiscated...
Broken and bruised i might get to the other side but i will fight it without even wanting to hide....

'there's no escape, im my own worst enemy' - given up - linkin park

Happy fucking 32nd birthday

32 years old; fuck thats quite cold! So ho much have you actually achieved, in how much different shit have you believed. Youve been fucked out of your mind more than what you've bn kind - actually thats not true; but its close i promise u. Ive lied more than i ull ever know; god im so good @ it it doesnt even show. Dont know if ive bought or sold more drugs in my life, but i can promise u its been rife. Been on the streets twice in my life and thats not even the beginning of the strife. From the day my mom died when i was seven; fuck after tht life was heaven. An abusive alcoholic for a dad, boy was that asshole sad, his whole life rotated around the bottle and beating the shit out of me and the fucked up part is that not even the neighbours did see. And when you are to young to know right from wrong then out of fear to cover it up you lie along. Not understanding there is another way and outbursts of violence is just the order of the day? Hate and fear was all i knew and then i met you. An angel with a heart of gold; from the first second my heart was sold. You showed me that there is acually still good in this world of hate and fear - everything was always better when you are near. So atleast i was fortunate to meet my twin flame and know i know its just a rceipe for pain. Im sorry i fucked it up so bad and at the end of the day im the one being sad. I really love you with all my heart and never ever guessed we would ever be apart. But i understand that to everyone it is wrong, just the thought of where im from. Yet i turned my life around for you and then what did i go and do. Fucked it up in every single way and making myself out to be an ass in more than one display. So what else can i say than happy fucking 32nd birtday!

' if it makes you happy, it cant be that bad - if it makes you happy why the hell are you looking so sad' sheryl crow - if it makes u happy

????

From this evil that's living deep inside, from this horrible part of myself I simply cannot hide, some days you just completely takes control of your being, in your rational mind all the negative you are seeing but conveniently it helps to makes u forget, about all the hate, anger and regret. Finding your weaknesses and tearing them apart, it's just a matter of time then I'll end up right where all this shit did start. Finding yourself, once again very far from the light and to get back to the mother fucker will be a huge fucking fight. Every single cell in you body is screaming: NO! but then there's a certain part of you that just starts counting money and...there u go. So badly do u know it is wrong that while you are in the shower getting ready to make a mission you are crying, being this out of control and powerless against your addiction will only lead to dying. Trying to fight with yourself never seems to work, cause when you are pushed in a corner you'll never know which part of you is the biggest jerk. His strength is your weakness and your weakness is his strength and to take you back; this fucking bitch will go to any length just to get you back in her complete state of control, the more of you she gets the closer she gets to your soul - And that part of yourself is the only true reflection and throughout all the hate, manipulation, and lying you finally get to a point where you can really give yourself a good inspection. Finally get to the root of the problem so u can grow and move along...and when I started writing this it all sounded so completely negative and wrong?

"Jah show every mon him hand, and Jah has show I mine"
Bob Marley

Another nevermind ???

So how hectically stuck do u think u can actually be? Try to get out of this hole I dug for myself and then you'll see. Here from the bottom of this dark pit u can c the light - but actually getting to it is another fight, every dark cloud has a silver lining? Tell these naïve fuckers to stop whining - how difficult can standing up actually be? Fuck your life up as badly as what I did and you'll see. These fucking cravings will tear your personality in two and that when u realize how hard yourself you did screw. Always being the clever little prick and then you ended up a heroin addict u dumb fucking dick. Always first to want to party, taking so much chemicals u ended up completely tarty, how many times do u have to hit your head against the fucking wall, how many times for help I'll call. Constantly lost and in a fucking daze, most of your memories shrouded in clouds of haze, is there even a point to all this shit I am writing, is it worth it? All these battles you are fighting. Where in the name of god are you going and is it positive this direction in which u were growing? All of the stealing, lying and pawning, all this whining probably has you yawning. So bottom line is not even I have a fucking clue so what the fuck else is there left for me to do? Maybe I should just stop complaining about this shit everywhere and find a blank spot and just fucking stare. Lose myself in that zone and adapt my life according to that tone...


'It seems like every time you come up something happens to bring you back down.' - Tupac Shakur

???

How the fuck do u figure out where you are going if u don't have a fucking clue as to where u r? How do u pick up a life that's never been? Unburn all those fried fucking braincells? Go back to a point that never even existed. Looking for an innocence that's never existed. Fucked up and complicated as it might sound - its even more fucked up and complicated if u have to do it - don't worry, its not that bad; its a lot worse...
When sitting still is fucking annoying yet you don't have enough energy to pick yourself up, the fucking boredom drills through ur head, hammering away at your already fucking mudane and mind numbing existence, and then that annoying little voice in your head starts fucking with you, and I suppose this is where ur strength and character really gets put 2 the test. How long can u fight it off this time? Long enough I hope...


'Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction' - Bob Marley

????

These last 32 years of my love has bn quite tough, atleast i got this amazing lesson about love - it was really so amazing, true and pure and for once in my life i was in the moment; really here. But as you know 'nothing last forever and we both know hearts can change' and it's in that moment your whole life you need to rearrange. But atleast i know where im going and in everything in every aspect of my life it is showing. Sumtimes here sometimes completely lost and gone but its in those deep dark moments where u shud remaniss where you're from. All this shit that you have put yourself through, you cant regret it so embracing is the rite thing to do. Thinking about all the dark wholes you've been in; thinking about how many times a new life you had 2 begin. Atleast now i know who i really am and take my word for it, it didnt jst come with a bang. Lessons slowly learnt through pain and alot of times i thought i was going insane. Just closely and barely escaping from splitting madness - usually followed by days of extreme sadness. Aslong as you grow every day and that learning comes from work and play. All work makes me a dull boy and then all i want to do is my braincells to destroy. Yet the road i walked was fucking tough and very long - bad standing on the other side i can see tht ive gotten really strong. And now to everyone who told me ill never amount to shit, you better watch out cause this is it. There is no stopping me from today - im going right to the top and there is no other way. For all those who never ever in me did believe: now that i know what i want nothing will stop me to achieve, everything for myself i set out to do. So what else is there left for me to say xcept for fuck you and have a nice day.

'if you enjoy what you do; you'll never have to work a day in your life' - albert einstein

Fuck ass

So much hate, anger, pain and uncertainty going through your mind, if only this life was towards me a little bit more kind. Always border-lining on complete fucking insanity, and to make it worse after a while it becomes such a comfy place to be? From where im standng only all the bad and negative in this world I can see - but thats not the way its supposed to be? Everyone blaming it on my addiction of 16 years: cause agreeing with my reasons will rattle their foundation and start showing them their fears...
Nothing they know is based on fact and that's the part of their education they lacked. Seeing the world with this slave mentality - yet there is so much more that they could be. Everybody wants to change the world in a certain way but it's all talk and games they play. If they see your starting to get serious; they fear that everyone would gat furious, then all of a sudden u get weird looks and here and there a funny smile and everybody conveniently forget about their plans after a short while. No guts or backbone have they got to show - rushing throught life and never taking it slow. Cause if you're in a haste to get it over and done: i can promise you that life is no fun. But if you slow down and realize for just a brief moment what the fuck is going on then you'll realise that the whole system is wrong...
How do you break down something so massive, big and with so much control - i can promise you its possible if you really make it your goal...
Imagine everything and anything that u believe in gets declared nil and void - your whole little unrealistic happy-bubble will be completely fucked up and distroyed. No one wants their foundation to be rattled, shook and left in complete shatters cause afterwards it feels like your everything has completely been left in tatters - but isnt it fuckups the in your life that let's u grow and makes you strong? Im not very intelligent but on this point i can guarantee u that im not wrong. Living, breathing and walking in your own personal hell for years and years and the worst part is that from others you can try and hide your pain and fears...
But to urself how the fuck do u hide something that has defined you to the extreme, you won't be you it you remove that rotten part and keep your self esteem. These changes you made are permanent and here to stay, just learn and focus on how to implement it in your normal day. Then the changes you notice will surprise you at every turn and then you realise its possible to make the system burn but before you can even think about giving it a go, you need to be sure that to yourself you strenght and courage must show. You have to be as strong as what the world and all the shit in it made me and then anything will be possible and that you'll see...

'there's no escape from the mass mind rape,believing all the lies that they selling you-you braindead? You got a fucking bullet in your head - blasted throught your head, motherfuckers lost their minds' Rage against the machine - bullet in the head

More of Me, myself and I

For months on end you've been on this hectic fucking mission to get and stay clean, I mean the whole works, healthy diet, exercise, water, green tea, honey and even going back to
where you've been. From heroin addict to vegan to vegetarian, then to health-freak over and over and over again. You're life is just for the the first time starting to take shape and that is when bad choices you make will once again your life start to rape; Right then...at that exact moment is when it seizes power, cause the only thing it wants to do with your life is to devour. And off all the good you've put in it, wants to and tries to take complete control; Cause I can promise u this mother-Fuqua wants to swallow you completely whole...
I'm talking healthy life style, and after being clean and serene for a while. No more clothing with cigarette burns everywhere and you're just starting to get back your natural charisma and flair. All your debt is nearly sorted out and fully paid, your head is sorted and your plans for the future is already laid. Your love life is perfect and true, and for the love of your life there is nothing you won't do. A whole new life for you is starting to take shape, all you have to do is get up, reach for it and then take. And then again it takes over, takes control and all those negative thoughts do is make you piss on your own goal...
Everything that's good and perfect in my life - all of that amazing stuff is in my grasp, every bad choice I make can make me lose all these good things petty damn fast. Everything good that I've built on over the last year; making stupid fucking choices can make me lose all of it and that is what I fear. Why is it whenever after out of this deep dark hole that you dug for yourself you climb, just as your fingertips get that first grasp of the floor-board, I mean this is something that really deserves a reward? Nope! That's when that certain part of you starts punching yourself in the sack? Its as if to the bottom of the hole you NEED and want to go back? What could possibly be wrong with a future that is happy and bright? Why would a certain part of you actually against all these good things want to fight? To find out what is the cause of all this conflict you have inside your heart? To answer a question like this you'll have to break every single little detail of your life apart...
So how do you convince yourself to just be happy and just to let go? With this power of heroin addiction pulling you back from just going with your lives natural flow. You really need to free yourself and completely surrender but also make it known that in this fight you are the number 1 contender. Just do your best Sid try to take back control and acknowledge the presence, grace and power of your soul, count your blessings and everything that's good, positive and bright, and then you'll realize and notice that it was really worth the fight...

'Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld, so I can sigh eternally.' - Nirvana, Penny Royal Tea

? ? ?

So what the fuck do u do from here? Why is it that stability you so badly fear? Maybe its cause its something that's good always gets taken away? I'm soo not in the mood for this game again to play, everything I write is about fear of the unknown, a part of life not yet to me shown; yet...I fear it every fucking day, if this motherfucking feeling will only go away, then I'll actually be able to start my life properly, if this monkey would just let me be.
Every morning; just as you open your eyes, you're stuck with a huge fucking surprise. Stomach knotted, upside down and inside out - that's when you know what anxiety is all about. So when will this shit come to an end? When will I actually for once be on the mend. Then for once I could actually stop acting that everything is alright and then maybe stop having with myself this huge fucking fight. OR maybe just start winning it for a change - then my whole life I can start to rearrange and it doesn't matter from which angle or way u look at it, that plan sounds like THE shit...


'Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes.' - Jim Morrison

??

Personal opinion? Is it fucked up or funny, cause everything else seems dead after you've tasted the very sweetest honey. Everything in this life feels mind-numbing and mundane and afterwards there's not much left that actually stimulates your brain. For 10 long hard grueling & suicidal years heroin was priority number 1 and now without it, it feels like your really never ever again gonna have any fun. These fucking stretches of boredom that words alone cannot explain, overwhelming mentally and in your ass they cause a huge fucking pain. It just doesn't feel like its possible from
this heroin hell to escape. And after that its the biggest fucking mission ever just to get your passion to reawake. Every little thing in your misery stricken life looks so dull and boring and then you sleep so lightly that you even get woken by your fucking neighbors snoring. Any and every small little thing will cause you to derail...but at least your food no longer tastes stale. Once again, your sense of taste decided on returning so look on the bright side and don't worry about everything else in your life that's busy burning. How do you actually this sanity maintain? I suppose its like those days when you can't seem to find a vein, 50 holes later and you're still going strong and in this scenario trying again is definitely not wrong. Weird how far and wide you'll mission to go and score and how quickly you'll jump up to get some more. But all that energy and effort you can't put into your own recovery? I mean this has been one hectic roller coaster ride of self discovery. I got to know myself in and on more levels than just one and while I was learning; most of the times it was really loads and loads of fun. So it hasn't all been completely negative or dare I not that say? And then I'm still one of the lucky ones who get to live another day...

'I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.' - Kurt Cobain

damaged

Everything got to the point where it started looking all rosy and sweet, then by one stupid fucking choice once again you are standing on the border of defeat, going from a point where the whole world was your playground, nothing could get u down - not a chance of being beat: cocky as it may sound. You feel like you are floating through the air, in the world you don't have one worry or care...
Experiencing every moment for the the true beauty it holds, in every second of life a new lesson unfolds, happiness flowing through all your veins, not even focussing on past problems and pains. Food tastes sweeter and colors are brighter, and for once in your life you're a lover and not a fighter ...
Hard to describe the transformation happening infant of your eyes, so refreshing to be yourself - not having to wear a disguise. And then a very curious evil will start taking place, all of a sudden you'll start feeling weird and uncomfortable with this positive future showing its face? Then after you count your blessing and pat yourself on the back for being so strong. Then the next fucking moment something drastically goes wrong...
What inside you actually makes the choice to want to throw it all away, why would you gamble with your sobriety cause that's no game to play? Why would you want to throw away everything you fought so hard to regain, to any normal person that's just the definition of being outright and completely insane. Just as everything in your life starts coming together again, just as you get to the crawl out this hole and see the light - AMEN! And that is usually when you give yourself this huge kick in the balls - yes AGAIN!
All the strength and will-power you built over the last couple of months: gone. The new line of people waiting 4 money owed to them: long
The realization that everything, your whole life hangs in the balance like an old scale, knowing the damage it will cause in your life if this evil was to prevail. Everything good and pure in the blink of an eye could go away and yet something inside you chooses this deadly game of Russian-roulette to play...
I suppose something in your head needs to be rewired and whoever manages your common sense needs to be fired. Why would anyone actually be stupid enough to throw all that is good in their life away? Then invite everything that's bad, wrong and fucked up back into your life again to stay? How the fuck does that in any way logically balance out? Do you actually realize with what the fuck you are messing about...?
Yet it is as if when that weakness catches u off guard completely, it bullshits it's way into your head discreetly, then within a second you forget all that is good in your life and all the pain it can cause, not even for one second to think do u pause. Diving directly into this deep dark hole you know and cherish so well and if your gonna make it this time? Only time will tell...


"I'm the one that's gonna die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to."
- Jimi Hendrix, If 6 Was 9

The cure for heroin addiction?

Just a couple of pointers or even guidelines to help u to finally get rid of that long time love/hate, sweetest honey and true love. That little bad habit or naughty affair that became more than just the love of your life but your sick and twisted obsession. A completely new lifestyle - the downgrade in your style of life, your pick-me-up in times of need - and in times of needing: your kill me now and put me out of my misery please, the cause of your purest happiness in the sadness all-round - the cause of all of your sadness opening you up to the need for more happiness. Looking at what it has given to you and then realize what it has taken away, not just materially but emotionally; it completely drained you and over and over it drove u to tears; only if there were tears left, physically it fucks your body up completely when you are on it and your body is fucked up physically when u come off it , mentally you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and tired and sick of being tired and sick. A manifestation or an amplification of what you want to be, sort of like a god when you are high but I can promise you if the shit starts leaving your system the cold turkey will definitely make you cry and scream. And in my personal opinion that's not even the hardest part, after the initial detox the fun really starts. Wishing every second of your miserable life away, not even sure if you are happy to be clean for another day. They say that after a couple of years you start feeling better and things start turning around? (Note the sarcasm) as beautiful and amazing as it sounds my life is today and there is no quick fix to take all this misery and shit away. Except for the boredom, the cravings, the anxiety, the on and off colds, the rage, the depression, the uncertainty, the fear of the future, not being able to remember what I had for breakfast, the mountain of debt I'm trying to crawl my way out off and the lack of trust - it's quite amazing to be winning this battle for once. Putting up the fight of my life against my smack addiction. Let's say if 10 years ago I knew where I'd be today would I do anything differently or would I still make the same choices and let the path of heroin addiction choose me?
So the cure I would say is to stay away in the first fucking place, don't scratch where its not itching and if all of this doesn't give you perspective and you still want go and see (if you are like me and think you are smarter than most or maybe even immune) what it's all about, just make sure you don't have a gun near by cause I promise you that 90% of the time, in and after active addiction, you'll want to blow your fucking brains out...

"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."
- Confucius

Why ???

What a complete total fucking waste and all you are left with is in your mouth a bad taste; and that goes both ways - literally & figuratively, and only when the regrets kicks in hard that's when you'll see. On your life inflicting just more chaos and shit and that my friend is the truth: and that is fucking it. You don't know if u get more upset about the money wasting or fucking around with ur sobriety, either way ur fucking urself over and no! your not to blind too see...
More and more you are gambling with your life with every bad choice you make and even more you are fucking up what's left of your sanity with every wrong step you take. The worst part of it all is you know the difference between wrong and right, and deep inside you theres this huge motherfucking fight. And the one side of you always loses hands down and afterwards you are always stuck with huge regrets and a even bigger frown...
This fucking battle goes on every single night and day; yet your biggest wish is that it would all just go away. Every bit of energy get focussed on this huge fucking problem at hand but u never-ever actually get close enough to it too really and truly understand. How can you solve a problem when you don't actually have a clue as to what the fuck is actually wrong? I mean being in active addiction for 16 years is too fucking long...

"And as a song I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme.

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you."

Kathy's Song - Simon & Garfunkel