Beethoven

You stupid fucking dumb shit, you don't gamble with your happiness and that is it! Messing around and throwing your whole fucking life away, and to you it's funny - like a game you play. Fucking around more and more every step u take, depriving yourself from your support system wth every fucked up choice u make...
So when and where is all this shot gonna stop? Once you're in prison or your heart stops beating and dead you just drop. You have to stick to your the choice to turn all this shit around, altho i promise you that is much harder to do than what i make it sound, so what the fuck can i do? Try myself not so hard to screw...?Kicking myself in the nuts on a daily bases, turning into one of those typically paranoid and completely fried nutcases. So your choices are actually quite simple and its basically just living or dying? There is no point in meddling over it or even waste energy by sitting and crying. I mean its really not such a hard fucking choice you are making? And when you make the right one and you get up the whole world is yours for the taking...

'Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.' - Jim Morrison

Pain or insane

So much unnecasary hurt and so much of lifes' excruciating pain, fucking you hard and each blow; just driving u closer and closer to going completely insane. So what the fuck do you do when there is nothing to numb it out or just even to make it go adrift, and when i say NOTHING - i mean not even a fucking teeny tiny little spliff.
Now with harsh fucking reality of life you are fighting, and i promise you that this bitch really knows about biting! All your weakness and cracks it will expose, and all your buried pain & demons? It will make sure that they have properly arose...
Haunting you from early in your early morning anxiey wake up call, or your midday throught the roof; right to the top. Followed by by a hectically long face straight into the fucking ground fall. I promise u that facing all this shit when you are sober IS NOT FUN! Sometimes you just want to get up and as fast as those scrawny little legs of yours can carry you and start to RUN! And then night time comes and its just you alone with millions and millions of thoughts constantly just running and roaming thru your mind, and its such a huge pity that not one of them is the good or positive kind...

'Now I lay me down to sleep, Pray the lord my soul to keep, And if I die before I wake, Pray the lord my soul to take'

Metallica - Enter the Sandman

????

I really shouldn't even get affected by shit like this in any fucking way, getting more and more miserable with every passing minute of every bloody day. Yet all i shud do is change my travelling route and then just completely try to ignore it? Cause you know that in your life that one single, wee little bit of smoke only causes a huge avalanche of shit. Every part of your mind is manifesting, shouting and screaming: NO! Yet your body has its own fucking agenda cause all it does is go...
'if u get out now you can avoid a huge fucking disaster... God dammit cant this taxi go any faster. Head shouting: 'The light just turned red, you have time this demise to ecape!', your legs responing with nothing but putting foot down hard on the brake. Arrogance beaming: 'you cant go anywhere without me', ill still get you, you little bastard - just you wait and see...
This is one battle im not going to lose, victory is mine and all i had to do was conciously choose, lift your arse and get the fuck out of that train or taxi, every step you walk further away from it u'll feel better and that you'll see. Breaking that stupid fucking routine is all you need to do, if you can take that first step things will start looking up and through experience: that's my guarantee to you...

'I have no options left again. I don't want to be the one the battles always choose, cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused. I don't know what's worth fighting for or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way. I'll never be alright. So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit tonight'

Beaking the habit - Linkin park

Again and again

If i had cash for every single time i made a promise too myself to just stop fucking using, i would literally be going through this life; just cruising, a million and one promises too myslf i have broken, and then all the shit to myself i have spoken. I think I have personally been victim much more than the other people to whom I have lied, but not too many tears cried over this shit i have cried...
Remorse isn't something you should at all get stuck on, cause I promise you it'll turn your life upside down and buckle it completely fucking wrong. Constantly worrying about the problems really won't get you anywhere, what it actually would do is turn your life into a even bigger freakshow with an added twist of scare. Forget all this shit and start digging yourself out of this fucking hole; get the hell out, embrace the light for once and see what life really is about...
It's not all moonshine and roses and that i can promise you, and then still have to make the best of the hand you got dealt too. Yet if you can make it thru 16 years off addiction with 'reasonable' eaze, then the rest of the future can only be a fucking breeze. Not always this optimistic - am I? I promise you inside me there is another side that wants to scream and cry?

'Every man gotta right to decide his own destiny.' - Bob Marley

Addiction 101

The more and more tired and fucked you get, the more of your issues and troubles you forget. But take my word for it they'll all b back once u finished snoring. And until u take another hit, to these issues there is no ignoring. Thats not even when u come clean, u need balls, you need to be strong - cause these fucking issues bounce around in your head all day long...

'Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld. So I can sigh eternally. I'm so tired I can't sleep. I'm a liar and a thief. Sit and drink pennyroyal tea. I'm anemic royalty'

Nirvana - Pennyroyal tea

Fucked up

You can actually see how the two xtremes compare: addiction is pretty fucked up and reality is quite the scare. The little things you take note of in your life: if that's what you want to call it, cause from where im standing everythng is quite shit. Everything, and i mean everything starts coming right when you sort your life out: and you really start to see what life is really about...
But then for some stupid and undiscribable, stupid idiotic fucking reason, against yourself you commit the highest of treason. You have absolutely no fucking reason whatsoever to fall, its been longer than a year since your last withdrawel. And yet you are absolutely certain of the snowball effect thats gonna take place after this one hit is in the past, you know all of this; every single detail, yet you still do it and once again fuck yourself hard and solid in the arse...

'Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, uses that something to support their own existence.' - Frank Zappa

Why?

As weird, crazy, bizzare as it may sound addiction is the 1 thing I cant wrap my head around. From starting to get cravings, full blown hell and even years after withdrawel, there is not one single piece of sense in it @ all. U dnt need an excuse no reson is required; one moment of weakness and before you can slam on the brakes - once again you are sooo fucking wired...
Completely totally and utterly screwed in a single second, this thing driving your addiction is something with to be reckond. How in one moment everythg can be so fucking perfect and evrythings going so fucking well? And only when you are face first in the shit you realise how hard you actually fell. And only then do you realize how fucking stupid and ignorant you've been; and so much ealier the big red flashing warning lights you should've seen...
So how and why do you convieniently forget all this shit that herion into your life once again will bring, and why the fuck can't you learn to control or maybe even just train this thing, because you can't run - you definatelycannot hide, cause this thing is manifesting and festering from the inside. You just have to get up with a force and about it be fucking head-strong; and take this sick and twisted cock-sucker called addiction down; head on...

'Drugs are a bet with your mind' - Jim Morrison

Who the fuck

So who the fuck do you think in reality you are actually really
fooling? It's like denying that you're busy smoking buttons but you
are still busy drooling? I mean that when it comes to takng yourself
for a cunt - you are the fucking king! You really need to slap
yourself so fucking hard that for a month long your ears must ring.
Someone needs to fuck you up hard, solid and extremely good; And to
you hopefully that will be excactly what your thought needs - some
food...
Something to really sit down and think about, and if you got fucked up
hard enough left, right and centre good then creative thoughts will
start to sprout. But untill that day lost is what you will be, and you
don't need to be a rocket-scietist to be able that fact to see. Cause
untill that moment of clarity has been knocked into you dude; well
untill tht moment comes my friend; you are pretty fucking screwed...
Not knowing the difference between the beginning, the middle and the
end. And after a while you get soo over the fact that you constantly
have to pretend. In reality there really are some good and true parts
of you that can stay - but those skeletons screaming to jump out your
closet you need to kills, lay down and bury very far away. But what do
you do about this constant fightng about morals happening on your
inside? Cause this It really take heaps and fucking heaps of energy to
hide...
Just sticking to a promise to to yourslf will make all this shit go
away, and then you'll start looking forward more and more to your next
day. But why is it so fucking easy to influence yourslf and your whole
mindset in 1second you can change? And in that moment of weakness your
whole life you will fuck up and completely rearrange. Cause you know
after that one bad choice life will once again start getting really
fucked up and unkind - and with every wrong turn you make you'll drive
yourself closer and closer 2 losing your mind...

'of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most' - Ozzy Osbourne

La-di-da

Only after you've fucked up and reassesed the whole fucking situation - then only do you become to yourself this huge fucking irraitation. I mean how fucking stupid and idiotic do you get? How many stupid and unneccasary descisions do you still have to regret? Unfortunately it doesn't mean alot too me this thing called money, but god dammit the way it comes and goes here is not even remotely funny...
Yet i know somewher i have to start building a life for me, im not blind or stupid; this i can see. Focussing on a bright fucking tomorrow, just years and years of moving forward, happiness and no sorrow. Yet after 16years of being addicted where do u start or where is step one? Holy shit being this lost isnt in any way, shape or form even close to fun. Yet i have to start sumwhere i suppose...And then from the ashes he arose...
Getting up and then taking on life one baby step at a time: cause sometimes you are really walking actually more of wobbling on an amazingly thin line. Conviently forgetting where the smack has taken you to - and all the crazy, fucked up & stupid shit it made you do. Yet you are still fucking around and tempting fate? Boy is the mentality and life of a junkie just great...

'Rather be dead than cool.' - Kurt Cobain

Smack or crack?

Wanna quickly throw your whole fucking life away? Then with these two motherfuckers you should start to play. I can promise you that about you they don't a fuck care - and neither of them will even remotely play fair. Enticing and intoxicating as they may seem - its exactly like a long bad fucking dream. And you can't seem too escape or get the fuck out, but that's what the fuck addiction is all about...

'Give me crack and anal sex. Take the only tree that's left. Stuff it up the hole in your culture. Give me back the Berlin Wall. Give me Stalin and Saint Paul. I've seen the future, brother, it is murder'
Leaonard Cohen - The Future

Another bulet the head?

Sitting and chilling with my eyes rolling back in my head, if you know the drill then that's enough said? Can you see how gently H took you by the hand and so warm and gently to the gates of hell you got lead, and when you're broke, everything around you is fucked and your life is one huge regret; and then you still have this fucking bad habit that constantly needs too be fed.
Your true self?...Really long ago you started to forget, i used to be so chilled and relaxed - but now it doesn't take much to make me see red. When at 1st you oh so casually started using; too yourself and evryone you always promised 'never this shit will i start abusing?
Never ever am i touching a needle i'll rather chase or schnarf this shit instead; and now you're intraveniously feeding this monster inside your head - and worse and worse it get with every fucking hit, yet every time you shoot you know that you are only making bigger all this shit. these days after eventually a fucking vein you get - it looks like someone all over you bled.
Completely powerless and caught in addictions' perfectly spun net. You've been so fuckedup that you even took a chance and fled - but you can take my word for it that I was the biggest and worst threat and apparently this battle is only over once u r fucking dead?
Fuck that shit! Im aint going through this fucking life with no ball and chain - cause god dammit that shit would drive me even more the fuck insane. I can promise you that you can just the fuck let let go, and to all these fucking text-books and statisticts i will show: out above the rest i will majestically tower, take back everything i threw away including all my strenght, energy and power!

'Don't dwell on what has passed away. Or what is yet to be.
Ah, the wars they will be fought again. The holy dove, she will be caught again. Bought and sold and bought again. The dove is never free. Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in'

Leonard Cohen - Anthem

I suck at this subject thing

I have no freaking idea why ive always got such alot on my mind every day, it really affects me in alot more than just 1 way, even when i try to completely numb it the fuck out; through the dazed cloud im in i can still here it scream and shout. If it was distant and vague i might still be able with it to cope, yet somedays it is sooo freaking intense and loud it feels like there really is no hope.
A million thoughts, actions and arguements roaming, roaring and racing through my brain and all in different spots and places - sometimes i just want to get on a chair and hang myself with my fucking shoelaces... Just to get it to shut the fuck up for just half a second: PLEASE! Even if just for a while, then i think about it and once again realize that suicide really slowly just isn't my style? There has to be a way to shut it up for just one fucking minute, then ill be able to focus and really put myself and all my enery into it...I know i can shut it up for a while when im passed out, but thats not what gettng clarity is remotely about?

'I want to love you but I better not touch, I want to hold you, but my senses tell me to stop. I want to kiss you but I want it too much. I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison. You're poison, running through my veins. Poison. I don't want to break these chains'

Alice Cooper - Poison

Another whatever?

Not always understanding or knowing what ever, it feels like we are always gonna be together, and if i think that gettng rid of you is gonna be tough? Getting over you is even more fucking rough, every second of every day you're on my mind and the thoughts i have of you is not the good kind. Hating the path we walked, hating all the shit too me u talkd...
Making me believe that i am sumthing more, while with me you were busy mopping the floor. Warmly and gently you took me by the hand, u actually convinced me that you really did understand. Carried me whenever i was in a bad space, yet i never realised you were the one that put me there in the 1st fucking place...
Altho we startd out kinda slow, it wasn't long and we were really on the fucking go. All the places through which you pulled and dragged me, and yet i was still to blind and naive too see, that my life was completely totally and utterly fucked up and falling apart, and if i had to start to pick it up i wouldn't have a fucking clue as where to start...
Then i thought maybe we could try to live in harmony, looking back that is a fatal error i now see, Rapidly we started moving at the speed of light and no matter how hard i fought i cud never win the fucking fight...

'forever young; I want to be forever young, do you really want too live forever, forever and ever?'

Alphaville - Forever Young

Another subject?

Constantly lying and decieving, what the hell do you think you are achievng? Master minipulator in every single way, and im a skilled opponent if it is mindgames u wanna play? Raised and trained by the king, the fucking best and if u want you can come and put me to the test. Being fucked up psycoligically from the age of 8, holy shit my childhood was just fucking great...
Double standards was what i was raised on, at first it confused the shit outta me and then it made me strong? Do u actually see any sense in my words, it wont even make sense if you put them on chords. And then it even still sounds worse while it runs throught my burnt and fried brain, jesus christ all the thinking really just causes a shit load of unnecccasay mental anguish and pain.
Really dont know many thoughts can go through my head at once - but i know its very confusing, most ignorant sheeple might just see it as funny or amusing. Atleast they got something out of it - cause im not gettng anything; not even a little bit. Can you see how far i've run away from the point of the story - i dont even know what it was - glory. So what was the point of writing down all this shit, i dont have a clue - not even the slightest bit...

'And a song I was writing is left undone, I don't know why I spend my time? Writing songs I can't believe. With words that tear and strain to rhyme. And so you see I have come to doubt, All that I once held as true, I stand alone without beliefs, the only truth i know is you'

Simon and Garfunkel - Kathy's Song

Cunt

You're such a pathetic little bastard, you little runt - totally, completely idiotic, stupid fucking cunt. Why the fuck do you constantly screw yourself sooo cunting hard, and every single motherfucking time you put youself right back at the fucking start. You're not walking on thin ice - its more like water and you're starting to sink. Making the same bad fucking choices and expecting different result, with H? You think?

So what the fuck are you gonna do you little smartass? Go out in a blaze of glory and smoke alotta grass? Really! How many more times will u trip and fall over the this same old tiny little bump? Or is it cause you are afraid of pulling the trigger and your head full of lead pump? You are, plain and simple a stupid fucking wiseass shit, that is the end of the fucking story and that is about it...

'dont be surprised, when a crack in the ice Appears under your feet. You slip out of your depth and out of your mind'

Pink Floyd - The thin ice

Pussy

How many more times can on person fall on their face, and eventually when you're standing all you want is another chase? Herion is the cuntest of everything to what ive been hooked, and if i had a dollar for everytime ive cooked - and im not talking about frying my brain, im talking about the anxiety that comes when your cooking up too take away the pain. Its really the only thing that can make you feel this shit and after prolonged use it doesnt even make you feel better; one bit. Ok! Maybe for a little while but i can promise u there is nothing real about your smile...

'I wish i was special, your so fucking special, but im a creep'
Radiohead - Creep

So fucking what

How the fuck do you pretend not to care? How come you are always the one who wants your epithy wth the whole world share. And then those who you help, carry and lift up - the moment they're on their feet again about you they don't give a continantal blue fuck. The moment the scales tip in the other direction, from them you'll get fuck all attention.
But you know what, ill continue to be the better person - and that i know for certain...

'get away from me, this isn't gonna be easy; believe me'
Counting crows - Have you seen me lately

Heroin addict

Being addicted to something just to feel normal - what a fucking waste, even more fucked up is using - just to have in your mouth that fucking vial and disgusting taste: and the very first time you tasted it; it really tasted like fucking shit - I tasted it, threw up & that was about it, so horrible that taste was that I blew chunks for more than an hour, and still after that for two days you had no strenght, energy or power...
It's like the H is warning you: DONT fuck with me! And one by one your friends fell into the ababiss and that with your own eyes you did see. But there suffering wasn't enough to give you a scare, no i was too fucking naive and arrogant to care? Promising yourself that only once in six months this shit you'll use, six monts later you were already at the stage of hectic fucking addiction and abuse...
Rub out your eyes and it is 10 years later and if you compare it to all the other addictions you've been through smack is definately the grater. Schnarfing, earthing, popping or free-basing, the shooting up also came after gettting no more satisfaction from chasing. But then again the effects of shooting up also quickly dissapear, and if u havn't yet; NOW is the time to fear...
Whilst chasing you were constantly having yourself to 'fix' before the last sand through the hour-glass would fall, cause the moment the time is done you are stuck with a shit reality called withdrawel. And that is one fucking place you dont want too be - ive been there a thouand times and its one of those places you really don't have to see. Yet you got caught and ended up walking through hell but fortunately you got, through and now to help others your story to tell...

'I bought a gun and chose drugs instead.'
Kurt Cobain - Nirvana