Retirement

I still cant believe how just a while ago to the truth i was still soo fucking blind? Every day really hating my life and wondering when the fuck myself i would find? Caught in a negativity and hate drenched-downward-spiral-slash-whirlpool; always just focussing on how badly i hated myself and my life while calling myself everything from a stupid motherfucking cunt right through to a dumb fucking fool. Every fucking second of every day and every fucking part of myself and my life i did truly despise with a passion and with all my glory! But cause i was constantly blinded by this hate and anger i never realised that i was the one that created that life; harsh reality yet a true story...
After 18years of full blown fucking addiction, arrested a couple of times fortunately not one conviction. Mandrax, grass, alcohol, schnarf, party-drugs, meth and crack; then for the last 10years i was so far lost in the arms of my big love: smack. Upping, downing, smoking, shooting and chasing, constantly mixing or one love with the other replacing. From expensive 5star relapse-centres to goverment rehabs-slash-holes, groups, social workers, psyciatrists and here and there a shrink, all these people and places have one thing in common: they tell you what to think...
Constantly telling you how far gone, lost, fucked up and addicted you are, and its that way of thinking and reasoning that always re-opens and festers the fucking scar. The whole message they send to you is based and built on negativity. And its due to all that unnessacary shit the truth you cannot see. In this dark cloud you are always walking and this 'thing' inside you forever will you fear and about it you are constantly reminded, and due to all these negative thoughts thats constantly implanted from the truth you are blinded. Your thoughts, feelings and fears literally create your whole reality: Once you realize and understand that then out of this prison you placed your mind in you can finally break free. Take back a life that has been yours all along, your not powerless to your addiction - thats what they want you to think but that whole fucking message is just so wrong!!!

The subject of this post is retirement cause thats what it is, if i post here again its probably gonna be 1 of the nearly 200 unedited posts that is saved under my drafts or on my laptop although ive looked at a couple of them and except for struggling to relate to them they knot my stomach and that negative thinking...i dont need now. Even just writing the 2nd half of this post wasnt cool but im busy constructing a new blog...
Thefundamentalparadox.blogspot.com
...cause if you can change the way you feel about yourself, your life and your world...ANYTHING is possible.


'This is the end, my only friend the end' (Actually its a brand new beginning)

The Doors - The End

A word 2 the wise or not so wise??

Look at yourself and your life/world around you and you will see what you think about yourself at the very core of your being
peace and love
neil

Fuck addiction

Addiction is probably the biggest catch22 in this life, except for the obvious problems - shit is always rife! Have you ever sat down and wondered why, and if you did how many tears did you waste, did you cry? In the way psyclogy and psyciatry braiwashes our everything, then youll realise why so much misery it does bring. Dont see this as all of a sudden im in this purple cloud or captain fucking recovery, i just handed the problem over to my higher self or my real me...
'Hi, my name is neil and im an addict', that thought stays planted and it sucks dick. 'Youll be a fucking addict untill you die', have you ever thought about the sense in that and the why? NEVER EVER forget that your an addict and that youll always be! It doesnt take a fucking rocket scientist the reality behind that to see. Due to all those statements you ARE always meddling in your addiction and all your shit, plain and simple and that is it...
Positive or negative the universe delivers what you ask for, plain and simple; nothing less and nothing more. Energy, vibration and basically a walking electro-magnet is what you are, with all that 12 step brainwash and bullshit youre creating and vestering in your own scar. When you prep hectically, set a date and fear going cold turkey, you cramp, you shit, you cry, no sleep and out of years of experience i can finally see...
The law of attraction is plain, simple and basic, cause of all that bullshit you make it so bad it really sucks dick. I know its not easy not to focus on all that shit in any way BUT if you can change your mind about it: taste and feel the joys of breaking the habit then half the battles won and it turns into childs play. Just remember that your hates and fears shape your life and thats a fact and lifes biggest reality, dont focus on the negative, the hole youre in, the sick and then youll see...
Fearing the bad and worrying about falling back aka the dreaded fucking word: RELAPSE, thats the simple fucking reason why you get so tense and cant relax. Think what you want but in total ive been addicted to chemicals for 18 long and miserable fucking years, and never ever coming and staying clean has always bean one of my dreaded and greatest fears. Since ive started focussing, feeling and living the joys of being clean, this time round has been the easiest its ever been...

'Mr Rabbit says: a moment of realisation is worth a thousand prayers'

Natural born killers

XxXxXxXxX

I swear veins dont just collapse but also hide, a while back i stared at them with a certain sense of joy, maybe even pride. Really didnt even have to look to find which one to abuse? I couldnt make up my mind as to which one to choose. Can still remember thinking to myself 'oh my god! My babies are back!', and that just after a while of cutting them some slack. And just a short while later back into hiding they went, wherever there was a vein - now theres a dent???
From shooting back to chasing for the sake of my veins, cause poking hundreds of holes while searching just causes aches and pains. Blood running down your arms and dripping on the floor, between the cigarette burns or the blood stains on my clothes i dont know which is more? All i know is my chest is burnt fucked from laying down with a smoke while nodding and my arms are fucked from looking for a vein, poking and prodding...
THE END.

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first."

Jim Morrison

Confused equals...

Its just fucking negative shit this fucking addiction causes in your life every day, constantly wishing yourself and your life away. All i want to do is get over this shit, nothing major - just sobriety and thats it. Its not too much to ask not alot to want, why am i constantly making these bad choices like a stupid fucking cunt? Meddling in this shit and i dont know why, so numbed out i dont even have any tears left to cry...
All you are stuck with is anger, hate, frustration and craving, so eagerly at the beginning yourself you were enslaving, yet back then you saw it as naughty and a twisted sense of fun yet it wouldve been so much easier just to stay away maybe even run. But NOOOO! A clever fucking ass Ive always been, with my personality the outcome i shouldve seen. Now im stuck here in this deep dark fucking hole, nothing left but a broken dream and what feels like an impossible goal...
Just to say no and to stay the fuck away from using, looking at my arms full of holes and purple from all the bruising. A big sigh is the only way this emotion to explain, all this hurt caused by trying to numb out the pain. I dont even think there is sense in anything im writing, so fucking sick and tired of this constant inner fighting. Stupid arrogant fucking prick, idiotic motherfucker clever dick...


"You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."

Toni Morrison - Song of Solomon

Entertainment

On the one side im praying for a huge fucking miracle and on the other side im getting fucked over majorly by my corrupt not-so-free-anymore-will? If you think it sounds confusing to you? Your not alone cause the same goes for me too. I literally imprisoned my own mind voluntarily, using my best friend aka my worst enemy, the sweetest yet most disgusting kiss youll ever taste; while its the easiest yet hardest way to lay your whole fucking life to waste...
Without her its just so fucked up to pick up the pieces bit by bit, powerless is how you feel when you try to fix all this shit. Every day a step further away from yourself you take, due to all the fucking morals and values through the years you did break. Why the fuck am i always whining and complaining? On its own this fucking addiction is already so draining. If i could just shut the fuck up for a short little while and accept that I really fucked up everything with a style...
Im literally the best at anything and everything i do, unfortunately the same goes for how hard myself i can screw. Wish i could focus that arrogance on getting out of this fucking hole, even just a bit of it to start taking control. Actually i should know by now the word control doesnt go in the same sentence than chemical dependancy, ive proved it to myself over and over so by now the truth i should see. One is too many and a thousand will never be enough, not original but every now and then there is some truth in some of the NA's stuff...


"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - Elective Affinities

Fuck that

Constantly with yourself in a huge fucking fight, trying to bullshit yourself from morning to night. Conveniently forgetting every single promise you made to yourself the night before; cause when the anxiety and cramps kick in your good intentions are no more. So pissed off with yourself cause all your tools you threw in a bin or some random drain, now you have to go and scratch it out and so it takes so much longer to rid yourself of this pain. After a huge rush that feels like a fucking year before you can eventually sit down to start cooking, you still hate it so much that everything about you is very far away from happy looking...
A hit to prevent the pain, a hit to keep me from going insane, a shot to take away the fear, a shot to get my head clear, a bag just for incase the day gets rough, another bag cause one is never ever enough. Some gear to keep the clucking at bay and some gear just to make it through the fucking day...
All your good intentions dissapear like shadows in the night and suddenly all of your wrongs made a 180 turn and all of a sudden its justified as being right. All the fucking strenght you used the last couple of days to hit the brakes, all the energy that went into it to prove to yourself that you have what it takes. All the positive stuff dissapears in that one very wrong and bad choice. After that all you are left with is cravings and back again in your head is that annoying and persistant fucking voice: come on, just one more, one last one, a final, a absolute final to prove to yourself that you are stronger last hit? I wish it was as easy to stick with as to say but in response to that, all i can say is: BULL-FUCKING-SHIT !!!


"Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free."

Jim Morrison

Spice girls

Cash is not the the only thing youre wasting, dissapointment is not the only thing youre tasting. Step by step and day by day youre just fucking up all thats good, ruining your life and fucking up your mood. So much unnecassary shit your adding to the equasion, all of this topped with a huge dash of frustration. I mean for fuck sakes is 'stupid fucking cunt' your middle name? Do you enjoy living in all this hate, anger and shame...
One fucking choice, one simple no, its amazing how quickly out the window all your strenght does go. Flying with the speed of light, one second youre strong and the next you completely forget about your fight. Weakness creeping in from the side and from this motherfucker it feels impossible to hide. For a fraction of a second you let go of your gaurd then again youre in hell and im talking right back at the start...
I can promise you that im anything but weak yet this fucking heroin addiction leaves me so extremely bleak. Suicidal in a million and one ways yet i hide it so well you wont notice it as i go on with my days. A shell i have as tough as nails yet im constantly hanging on to lifes rails. But this fight i wont give up and i mean never, not a chance of me giving up ever. Yet i feel like i only have this much strenght left in me to fight and before it runs out i have to reach the light...


"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."

Mahatma Gandhi

Dont know, stil dont know, not a clue

From needles to foil, my own fun im trying to spoil. I have to move further away from this numbing out, have to see what lifes really about. Take my blinkers off or maybe put them back on, not really wanting to see everything that is wrong. Or maybe i should start focussing on all the shit and that will be a different way of sorting it. Am i really moving away or am i just bullshitting myself around every turn? I dont know, burn baby burn...
Havent touched a needle in two days but my smack intake has doubled, reality bust, broken, shattered and sanity wobbled. Every day my common sense is shouting and screaming 'NO!' yet this addicted part of me is just ignoring it and on a mission it will go. Powerless is what it makes me feel, big chunks of my life does it steal, bit by bit eating away of what is truly me and every now and then light at the end of the tunnel can i see. Yet the light at the end of the tunnel is dissapearing fast, what the fuck can i do to make it last???
Just letting go is easier said than done and the cold turkey part is in no way fun. I think its the fear of the unknown thats pulling me back, constantly making me fall down into this crack. Apparently baby steps is the proper way, taking it hour for hour and day by day. Theres no textbook way of dealing with this shit, everyone has his own way - his own fit. All u know is i have to get away from cooking up my hit and downgrading back to chasing this shit...

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."


Gloria Steinem

Sister fister

Brown eyes misty and glazed with white, pupils the size of pinheads and not due to light. Facial expression a representation of suffering and death, although unfortunately you havnt yet given your last breath. Once again trying to free yourself fron this hell youve cooked up and created, death is one option that millions of times over and over youve contemplated...
Wasting everything from cash to life, constantly to your life adding more and more strife. It seems a sucker for punishment you are, trying to cover yet causing more and more festering on this already fucked up scar. Yet all you want to do is fix it and sort it out, isnt that what overcoming addiction is about? Yet you just look worse and worse as every day passes by, if you had tears left it would be another reason to cry...
When your buzzing with so much power and conviction a positive choice you can make: but when youre down, your voice goes faint and you start feeling insecure its just as easy that same choice to break. If your eyes get forced open in the morning due to anxiety, that is round about then when you face a different reality. Everythings just so far wrong and completely fucking twisted, look at the bright side: atleast up your arse your not getting fisted. Well sometime you have to get up and start to push and with all this bitching and complaining for once you can just shush...

"I don't do drugs. I am drugs."

Salvador Dalí

So ??? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ?

Please tell me what the fuck is there left to do? Sometimes it just feels like the smack is so much stronger than you. Its such a motherfucking bitch to break away; get some cleantime and for once more than a measly fucking day. Its as if 'stupid cunt' is engraved across your forehead, clean for a while and when you use again and all you sit with is heaps and heaps of regret. Completely, totally and utterly pissed off and annoyed. Why? cause that day or two's positivity and strength youve completely fucked up and destroyed...
Feeling good, i mean walking on a cloud for the day or two you dont shoot, then up your arse you put your own fucking boot. For no fucking reason and out of the blue, you jump up count your cash and do the stupid shit you are so proned to do. There you go and i mean with the fucking speed of light and already youve completely forgotten about the past 36 hours that consisted of having with yourself this huge fight...
Conveniently forgetting about the detox you went through that left you feeling like hell, god in your fucking head you are really not well. Sick is what this disease makes you and i mean completely into your fuck you, sometimes tired other times sick but mostly it feels like there is fuckall you can do. Sanity and sobriety so freaking far away and just out of fucking reach. And the best explanation for addiction - make your choice: fuckup, disaster, parasite or bloodsucking leach...

"Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction."


William S. Burroughs

Korny fucking poem number ???

Going out of my way and trying my best to break free, working towards getting back to myself back to me. Have to do my best to get rid of this junkie mentality and then maybe for once i can chill out, relax and just be; but am i gonna like what i will eventually find and see???
If i dont then what the fuck am i gonna do? One more time again myself i cannot screw; and with this fucking choice and promise i must go through. In my life i need another couple of colours cause im so over being blue and then to myself i really have to start staying true...
Maybe i should focus all my energy on fighting - instead of on all these korny fucking poems im constantly writing. All this while this disease is devouring me by chewing, ripping and biting. Or to wake me, up my arse i need a bolt of lightning because the fear of organ failure or death doesnt apply the appropriate degree of frightening...


'To live for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.'

Robert M. Pirsig