??????

Grovelling at the devils feet just to take this mysery away, pleading and begging wit him but no! This game you wanted to play. No! you shall suffer till the bitter end, and the worst part is convincing yourself to like hell so you can pretend. Pretend tht everything is just fucking dandy and fine and yes i know where to draw the line...
Bullshit! I dont think that you were even aware that there was a stopping point cause your off smack but you standing with a big fat fucking joint, so much medication this morning you took, so fucking pale in the face that in the mirror you dont even wanna look. But your winning this battle you say? Well then, too you a big fucking hip-hip-hooray...
You know that every relapse is worse than the one before, yet youll always find yourself hammering away at hells door, quickly my lady let me in cause another round of misery i want to begin. Stupid is a word that this situation doesnt even explain! Why am i such a sucker for hell and all this emotional anguish and pain...

'here we are now entertain us'
Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit

24 hours - again

I quite casuallually and easily made the first 24 hours, cash in hand and then i lost my will and powers, but i believe that our universe has a plan, this is my time to shine and i can! Used a bit and threw the rest of the gear away, tht gave me so much strength that once again im past a day...
To someone that has no experience or not a lot, that dumb twat would say so fucking what? But you cunt: you have to start somewhere and i dont actually give a fuck what you think or care. I promise you ill sort out all my shit, and to those who pushed me away - ill even help you a bit.
Altho it is two in the fucking morning, everyone else is out and snoring, im king of everything thats around and walking, is that me or the subutex, pax, stilnox & ganja talking? I dont actually give a continental blue fuck or in laymens terms: care. Cause some how i know the tables will turn and once again ill see life on as fair...

'if it makes u happy - it can't be that bad; if it makes you happy - why the hell do you look so sad!'

Sheryl Crow - if it makes you happy

24 hours

Hectic shit - ive been clean for a day, hip-hip-fucking hooray! Give yourself a huge fucking hand, every junkie would understand what a step this is, but throught be told compared to what is coming this was piss! Now forward i can start to look for a while cause you're probably wondering when you fuck this up whith a style...
Not this fucking time round, how familiar does that not sound, you make it a couple of steps and just start getting strong. Then this motherfucker called temtation comes along. It really fucks with your head and scrambles your balls and then if your not careful you'll have one of your famous falls!
Or can you turn this one around? Weird and fucked up as it may sound. Maybe this one time i can get and stay up, not allowing my head once again to be corrupt, and now it just up and forward ill go, and this time round im taking it slow...

'dont worry about a thing cause every little things gonna be alright'

Bob Marley - 3 little birds

Everything is fucked again...or is that 'still'?

Gumlines recieding, organs fell as if they're bleeding, a whole life layed to waste, and at the end of the day all you were after is a horrible fucking taste, at first it puts you in a vommiting-dreamstate face first flat on the floor but now the only thing it causes is a huge fucking 'need for more'. Your whole god damn life is destroyed, everyone and everything around you is so pissed and annoyed. It used to be this warm cloud you were protected in; now its the destroyer and the root of all your lifes sin. And you really start to doubt if you have what it will take to turn your life around? And thats even more fucked up and much scarier than what it could ever sound. Other drugs are cravings and feelings of want, but not my best friend and worse enemy the little cunt. In that way heroin stand out way above the rest: cause if you're used to an early morning fix and dont get it youll make it to lunchtime at best. Shivering and freezing yet you've got sweat covering and running down your back, you feel fucked, confused and paranoid as if youre coming down from a nice binge of crack. Your legs they weigh a ton and the motherfuckers are aching, out of breath and you can't move very fast cause you're scared of them breaking. Nothing you force down your throat will for very long in your stomach last, itll come up with an added extra of foul tasting bile very fast, and you have to run to the shitter more than just once in a while. After a while your so out of it that on the toilet you just stay - heroin makes you feel like this and its the only thing that can take it away. I promise you that your in so much pain you cant even move and then when you get cash then all of a sudden you are up and back in the groove. You'll go and score with a lot of effort and pain, 'everyone knows, everyones watching' - paranoid and borderline insane. You finally make it home and take your fucking hit. Why? To feel normal and to be able to function and that's about it. This bitch of a drug fucks you up a million to one. Fucking weird and amazing to think for a while that this burden actually used to be fun?

'i dont know how i got this way, i know its not alright'

Linkin park - breaking the habit

Happy easter

From being 100% clean and my life was just starting to pick up, then the shit hits the fan and then once again im completely fucked. I was getting fit and getting in shape, but noooo! That fucking one hit i had to take. Why would i do such a stupid fucking thing? Did i think that this time round different results it would bring?...
By now i already know that each and every relapse is just more and more insane, and then theres so much more numbing to do when you fuck out again. When you realise that you are nearly excactly where you were a year ago, and now you just have so much less for it to show. So much more to of your life to pick up that it is actually crazy but you cant complain; it feels like it would be easier just to take a shotgun and surgically remove your brain...
God dammit im so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired! and it just so much worse than what it was when i constantly used to be wired. Its such a mission just to get out of bed and that before sunrise, when you're at work time goes backwards but the 3 hours u have for yourself? That flies. About all this shit im always dazed and confused, then im still far gone and completely lost and about that im really not amuzed.

'A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?'
Albert Einstein

Dazed and cofused?

I really dont have a fucking clue as to what im trying to achieve? Or am i just being myself, a stupid smartass that's just plain and simple: stupid and naive. So many times have i fucked myself over and over and just for shits and giggles: another time or two. Im completely out of fucking ideas as what with my life i should do. Lost on this wide and long highway of sin, fuck me running - where do i begin?
Same as always stop thinking and prepare, cause sometime or another for yourself you must start to care. Medicine, food and...by know you know what to get off by heart. I suppose starting to get all that stuff is a good start. Except for getting movies you are ready to start your going cold, i mean you convinced yourself, the deal is sealed so its sold?
Well if thats the case then im not doing well at all cause i cant even take that first step and start withdrawel. Blogging about it and dont want anyone i know to see it yet, but im trying to shove it down complete strangers throats on the net? Not just fucking stupid but idiotic, god dammit im a really stupid dick...

'I don't know just where I'm going But I'm gonna try for the kingdom, if I can 'Cause it makes me feel like I'm a man. When I put a spike into my vein And I'll tell ya, things aren't quite the same. When I'm rushing on my run. And I feel just like Jesus' son'

Heroin - Velvet Underground

Turning the tables?

All the deep and dark alleys that other people so badly fear, thats usually where i have to go to when i call 'mY mAn' and you hear those amazing words 'im here'. Been waiting for 10 minutes that felt like a week, and here by 5 minutes of waiting you really get very bleak. Dodgy is where i am going but the fear of it im not showing...
So weird all these fucked up places your love takes you. Not to mention all the fucked up shit she makes you do. Having this bitch you love so much in your life really brings you down, and without her in your life you really look and feel like a huge fucking clown. It even feels as if youre walking goofy when theres others around, and if youve experienced it - how familiar does that not sound?...
So with or without the love of your heart: both ways your screwed cause it feels like you are falling apart? Completely fucked up in so many more ways than one, fuck me sideways but this shit used to be fun? Now your life is just one huge fucking schlep and its even a mission just to get up and take a shower, most of the time thinking about whats left after your true love just took your life in one second and in the blink of an eye: devoured...

'And I talked to Jesus at the sewer And the Pope said it was none of his God-damned business. While the rain drank champagne. My Estonian Archangel came and got me wasted. Cause the sweetest kiss I ever got is the one I've never tasted'

Rodrigues - Cause

Ive run out of subjects a looong time ago

Really trying hard to get out of this catch 22, i mean what the fuck do i have to do? Sitting making promises to myself even shouting and swearing, anything you lay your white knuckled fists on is victim to a tearing? Really just always frustrated and pissed, annoyed at yourself for so much life you missed...
Since you can remember its always been the same routine, either on a buzz or planning on trying to stay clean. Thats basically all youve been doing since puberty, but now theres a huge part of you thats starting to realise about little details in life like security? And shit like this has never EVER bothered you before - but now the worrying is fucking bad and just getting more...
Sometimes it so bad that it feels like my fucking head is exploding, to much worry, stress and negativity thats constantly into my life downloading. My bandwidth is'nt handling it very well, and theres some people who by looking at me can tell? But fuck all those who said i wont be able to sort it out, ill make it and show them what im really about...

'Lets nuke the bridge we torched 2000 times before, this time we blast it all to hell. I've had this burning in my guts now for so long. My belly's aching now to say.
Stuck down in a rut of dislogic and smut, a side of you well hid...'

Green day - F.O.D.

Dumb fucking ass

Gumlines recieded, finances depleted, life layed to waste, after a horrible fucking taste, at first it put you in a vommiting-dreamstate flat face first on the floor but now the only thing it causes is a 'want for more'. Your whole fucking life is destroyed, by everyone around you, you get soo freaking annoyed. It used to be this warm cloud you felt warm and protected in; now if you had to name all the misey it causes in your life, you wont know where to begin...
You really fucked yourself hard with this heroin addiction, you still love her sweet kiss so much yet all she causes is friction? Anything you will do to get her out of your life but if you could then tomorrow you
would make her your wife. Shell take you by the hand and leave you right infront of the gates of hell, and if you're lucky she'll kick you through aswell. You love her so much and forever with her your life you wanna share, but about you she doesnt a fuck care...

'Emancipate yourself from mental slavery; none but ourselves can free your mind'

Bob Marley - Redemtion song

Better late than pregnant

Im always trying to figure out what the fuck is up in this life of mine - constantly worrying about my heart stopping or my organs just failing at anytime. Every day i've got this huge and shit scaty reality thats staring me in the face but i cant seem to put the pieces of my life into place....
Stupid fucking poems i write, even more stupid addiction i am trying to fight. Why the fuck cant i get out of this fucking stong current, i mean my shrink even threatened me with a warrant. I really dont have a fucking clue what the hell im trying to do...

'Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right. "Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout athing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!" '

Bob Marley - 3 little birds