Sick fetishes

So freaking far away from what the rest of the world calls normality, if only for 1 minute myself through their eyes I cud see; altho the curiousity goes more than just one way - cause I would love it for them to see themselves through my eyes 4 a day. Most things that they see as 'bad' will sort-off be justified and they'll realise tht all this time over nothing they cried...

Our realities and thruths are soo hectically different and far apart - if i had to name them all I wudnt even know where to start. That fucking list would be soo rediculously long; but all the logic behind every reason is really overpowering and strong! We can all make it better if towards a happy medium we all could reach... but the saddest part of this reality is that most of the ignorant motherfuckers you cant teach...or lets rather say an ego-dominated person who 'knows everything' you just cant reach, can't or rather doesn't want to be taught, cause it can't be significant if it's not better than yours and at a highly overpriced botique was bought.

So stuck are they in their ways and these ways are so completely, totally and utterly wrong, listening to their amplified ego talk for just one minute feels like forever and fucking long. So what if for one second they could just shut the fuck up and start listening? And then maybe for once in their lives they could learn something mildly interesting? Something they could carry with them for forever and a day or maybe it even opens up their mind into living life in a completely dirrerent and positive way....

But how the fuck do you talk sense to someone that's always fucking right - i mean thats a sure recipe for a fight. Yet, ill try and try again and again cause to me upsetting their reality is somewhere to begin. My thruth hitting them like a ton of fucking bricks and then they all look like a bunch of dicks. And thats the only pleasure in life i need; knowing that im doing what i can to make us all suceed.

'Hello, is there anybody in there; just nod if u can hear me. Is there any at home. Come on now. I hear you're feeling down, i can ease your pain and get you on you feet again. relax, ill need some information first, just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts' comfortably numb - pink floyd

What the fuck 007

The final destination of this path is completely unknown, flashes here and there have in my dreams to me been shown. But trying to make some sense of it all is quite insane, trying to put together all these bits of pieces that's floating around in my brain. And as if i don't already have enough other shit on my mind, all different forms, shapes and kinds. Ontop if it all are these fragmented scenes just floating around doing their own freaking thing, without the slightest a possibility to connect or together to bring...
Its actually pretty fucked up this so called 'thinking mans curse'...i suppose if you look on the bright side: it cudve been worse?
Sitting here thinking to myself how could this be more fucked up in any way? Then realising that actually it can't so there is really nothing much to say...
Completely powerless as you are drowning in this stormy ocean of thoughts, the darker and deeper you sink: the easier it is to get caught. Fussing and fighting just to get the surface in your sight and then everyone fucks with you and you have to start a new fight. So i ask myself 'when will all this fucking madness end?' the conculusion is tht i dont know but to others I can pretend? Actually im over pretending that everything is perky and alrite; cause this war im not giving up without a huge fucking fight.
Right to the top my way im going to climb and crawl, i really dont give a fuck how many times im gonna fall. All i know that this shit happens for a reason but couldnt some of it be saved for a rainy season? Even a small warning, a hint, a tip would've been appreciated - then maybe i wouldn't have taken it so personal when my innocense got confiscated...
Broken and bruised i might get to the other side but i will fight it without even wanting to hide....

'there's no escape, im my own worst enemy' - given up - linkin park

Happy fucking 32nd birthday

32 years old; fuck thats quite cold! So ho much have you actually achieved, in how much different shit have you believed. Youve been fucked out of your mind more than what you've bn kind - actually thats not true; but its close i promise u. Ive lied more than i ull ever know; god im so good @ it it doesnt even show. Dont know if ive bought or sold more drugs in my life, but i can promise u its been rife. Been on the streets twice in my life and thats not even the beginning of the strife. From the day my mom died when i was seven; fuck after tht life was heaven. An abusive alcoholic for a dad, boy was that asshole sad, his whole life rotated around the bottle and beating the shit out of me and the fucked up part is that not even the neighbours did see. And when you are to young to know right from wrong then out of fear to cover it up you lie along. Not understanding there is another way and outbursts of violence is just the order of the day? Hate and fear was all i knew and then i met you. An angel with a heart of gold; from the first second my heart was sold. You showed me that there is acually still good in this world of hate and fear - everything was always better when you are near. So atleast i was fortunate to meet my twin flame and know i know its just a rceipe for pain. Im sorry i fucked it up so bad and at the end of the day im the one being sad. I really love you with all my heart and never ever guessed we would ever be apart. But i understand that to everyone it is wrong, just the thought of where im from. Yet i turned my life around for you and then what did i go and do. Fucked it up in every single way and making myself out to be an ass in more than one display. So what else can i say than happy fucking 32nd birtday!

' if it makes you happy, it cant be that bad - if it makes you happy why the hell are you looking so sad' sheryl crow - if it makes u happy

????

From this evil that's living deep inside, from this horrible part of myself I simply cannot hide, some days you just completely takes control of your being, in your rational mind all the negative you are seeing but conveniently it helps to makes u forget, about all the hate, anger and regret. Finding your weaknesses and tearing them apart, it's just a matter of time then I'll end up right where all this shit did start. Finding yourself, once again very far from the light and to get back to the mother fucker will be a huge fucking fight. Every single cell in you body is screaming: NO! but then there's a certain part of you that just starts counting money and...there u go. So badly do u know it is wrong that while you are in the shower getting ready to make a mission you are crying, being this out of control and powerless against your addiction will only lead to dying. Trying to fight with yourself never seems to work, cause when you are pushed in a corner you'll never know which part of you is the biggest jerk. His strength is your weakness and your weakness is his strength and to take you back; this fucking bitch will go to any length just to get you back in her complete state of control, the more of you she gets the closer she gets to your soul - And that part of yourself is the only true reflection and throughout all the hate, manipulation, and lying you finally get to a point where you can really give yourself a good inspection. Finally get to the root of the problem so u can grow and move along...and when I started writing this it all sounded so completely negative and wrong?

"Jah show every mon him hand, and Jah has show I mine"
Bob Marley

Another nevermind ???

So how hectically stuck do u think u can actually be? Try to get out of this hole I dug for myself and then you'll see. Here from the bottom of this dark pit u can c the light - but actually getting to it is another fight, every dark cloud has a silver lining? Tell these naïve fuckers to stop whining - how difficult can standing up actually be? Fuck your life up as badly as what I did and you'll see. These fucking cravings will tear your personality in two and that when u realize how hard yourself you did screw. Always being the clever little prick and then you ended up a heroin addict u dumb fucking dick. Always first to want to party, taking so much chemicals u ended up completely tarty, how many times do u have to hit your head against the fucking wall, how many times for help I'll call. Constantly lost and in a fucking daze, most of your memories shrouded in clouds of haze, is there even a point to all this shit I am writing, is it worth it? All these battles you are fighting. Where in the name of god are you going and is it positive this direction in which u were growing? All of the stealing, lying and pawning, all this whining probably has you yawning. So bottom line is not even I have a fucking clue so what the fuck else is there left for me to do? Maybe I should just stop complaining about this shit everywhere and find a blank spot and just fucking stare. Lose myself in that zone and adapt my life according to that tone...


'It seems like every time you come up something happens to bring you back down.' - Tupac Shakur

???

How the fuck do u figure out where you are going if u don't have a fucking clue as to where u r? How do u pick up a life that's never been? Unburn all those fried fucking braincells? Go back to a point that never even existed. Looking for an innocence that's never existed. Fucked up and complicated as it might sound - its even more fucked up and complicated if u have to do it - don't worry, its not that bad; its a lot worse...
When sitting still is fucking annoying yet you don't have enough energy to pick yourself up, the fucking boredom drills through ur head, hammering away at your already fucking mudane and mind numbing existence, and then that annoying little voice in your head starts fucking with you, and I suppose this is where ur strength and character really gets put 2 the test. How long can u fight it off this time? Long enough I hope...


'Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction' - Bob Marley

????

These last 32 years of my love has bn quite tough, atleast i got this amazing lesson about love - it was really so amazing, true and pure and for once in my life i was in the moment; really here. But as you know 'nothing last forever and we both know hearts can change' and it's in that moment your whole life you need to rearrange. But atleast i know where im going and in everything in every aspect of my life it is showing. Sumtimes here sometimes completely lost and gone but its in those deep dark moments where u shud remaniss where you're from. All this shit that you have put yourself through, you cant regret it so embracing is the rite thing to do. Thinking about all the dark wholes you've been in; thinking about how many times a new life you had 2 begin. Atleast now i know who i really am and take my word for it, it didnt jst come with a bang. Lessons slowly learnt through pain and alot of times i thought i was going insane. Just closely and barely escaping from splitting madness - usually followed by days of extreme sadness. Aslong as you grow every day and that learning comes from work and play. All work makes me a dull boy and then all i want to do is my braincells to destroy. Yet the road i walked was fucking tough and very long - bad standing on the other side i can see tht ive gotten really strong. And now to everyone who told me ill never amount to shit, you better watch out cause this is it. There is no stopping me from today - im going right to the top and there is no other way. For all those who never ever in me did believe: now that i know what i want nothing will stop me to achieve, everything for myself i set out to do. So what else is there left for me to say xcept for fuck you and have a nice day.

'if you enjoy what you do; you'll never have to work a day in your life' - albert einstein

Fuck ass

So much hate, anger, pain and uncertainty going through your mind, if only this life was towards me a little bit more kind. Always border-lining on complete fucking insanity, and to make it worse after a while it becomes such a comfy place to be? From where im standng only all the bad and negative in this world I can see - but thats not the way its supposed to be? Everyone blaming it on my addiction of 16 years: cause agreeing with my reasons will rattle their foundation and start showing them their fears...
Nothing they know is based on fact and that's the part of their education they lacked. Seeing the world with this slave mentality - yet there is so much more that they could be. Everybody wants to change the world in a certain way but it's all talk and games they play. If they see your starting to get serious; they fear that everyone would gat furious, then all of a sudden u get weird looks and here and there a funny smile and everybody conveniently forget about their plans after a short while. No guts or backbone have they got to show - rushing throught life and never taking it slow. Cause if you're in a haste to get it over and done: i can promise you that life is no fun. But if you slow down and realize for just a brief moment what the fuck is going on then you'll realise that the whole system is wrong...
How do you break down something so massive, big and with so much control - i can promise you its possible if you really make it your goal...
Imagine everything and anything that u believe in gets declared nil and void - your whole little unrealistic happy-bubble will be completely fucked up and distroyed. No one wants their foundation to be rattled, shook and left in complete shatters cause afterwards it feels like your everything has completely been left in tatters - but isnt it fuckups the in your life that let's u grow and makes you strong? Im not very intelligent but on this point i can guarantee u that im not wrong. Living, breathing and walking in your own personal hell for years and years and the worst part is that from others you can try and hide your pain and fears...
But to urself how the fuck do u hide something that has defined you to the extreme, you won't be you it you remove that rotten part and keep your self esteem. These changes you made are permanent and here to stay, just learn and focus on how to implement it in your normal day. Then the changes you notice will surprise you at every turn and then you realise its possible to make the system burn but before you can even think about giving it a go, you need to be sure that to yourself you strenght and courage must show. You have to be as strong as what the world and all the shit in it made me and then anything will be possible and that you'll see...

'there's no escape from the mass mind rape,believing all the lies that they selling you-you braindead? You got a fucking bullet in your head - blasted throught your head, motherfuckers lost their minds' Rage against the machine - bullet in the head

More of Me, myself and I

For months on end you've been on this hectic fucking mission to get and stay clean, I mean the whole works, healthy diet, exercise, water, green tea, honey and even going back to
where you've been. From heroin addict to vegan to vegetarian, then to health-freak over and over and over again. You're life is just for the the first time starting to take shape and that is when bad choices you make will once again your life start to rape; Right then...at that exact moment is when it seizes power, cause the only thing it wants to do with your life is to devour. And off all the good you've put in it, wants to and tries to take complete control; Cause I can promise u this mother-Fuqua wants to swallow you completely whole...
I'm talking healthy life style, and after being clean and serene for a while. No more clothing with cigarette burns everywhere and you're just starting to get back your natural charisma and flair. All your debt is nearly sorted out and fully paid, your head is sorted and your plans for the future is already laid. Your love life is perfect and true, and for the love of your life there is nothing you won't do. A whole new life for you is starting to take shape, all you have to do is get up, reach for it and then take. And then again it takes over, takes control and all those negative thoughts do is make you piss on your own goal...
Everything that's good and perfect in my life - all of that amazing stuff is in my grasp, every bad choice I make can make me lose all these good things petty damn fast. Everything good that I've built on over the last year; making stupid fucking choices can make me lose all of it and that is what I fear. Why is it whenever after out of this deep dark hole that you dug for yourself you climb, just as your fingertips get that first grasp of the floor-board, I mean this is something that really deserves a reward? Nope! That's when that certain part of you starts punching yourself in the sack? Its as if to the bottom of the hole you NEED and want to go back? What could possibly be wrong with a future that is happy and bright? Why would a certain part of you actually against all these good things want to fight? To find out what is the cause of all this conflict you have inside your heart? To answer a question like this you'll have to break every single little detail of your life apart...
So how do you convince yourself to just be happy and just to let go? With this power of heroin addiction pulling you back from just going with your lives natural flow. You really need to free yourself and completely surrender but also make it known that in this fight you are the number 1 contender. Just do your best Sid try to take back control and acknowledge the presence, grace and power of your soul, count your blessings and everything that's good, positive and bright, and then you'll realize and notice that it was really worth the fight...

'Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld, so I can sigh eternally.' - Nirvana, Penny Royal Tea

? ? ?

So what the fuck do u do from here? Why is it that stability you so badly fear? Maybe its cause its something that's good always gets taken away? I'm soo not in the mood for this game again to play, everything I write is about fear of the unknown, a part of life not yet to me shown; yet...I fear it every fucking day, if this motherfucking feeling will only go away, then I'll actually be able to start my life properly, if this monkey would just let me be.
Every morning; just as you open your eyes, you're stuck with a huge fucking surprise. Stomach knotted, upside down and inside out - that's when you know what anxiety is all about. So when will this shit come to an end? When will I actually for once be on the mend. Then for once I could actually stop acting that everything is alright and then maybe stop having with myself this huge fucking fight. OR maybe just start winning it for a change - then my whole life I can start to rearrange and it doesn't matter from which angle or way u look at it, that plan sounds like THE shit...


'Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes.' - Jim Morrison