Hate is great?

How badly do you have to hate something or someone just to let go, cause i mean the more you love the more patience you show? Am i wrong or am i right, i mean: for fuck sakes, for how long can one person fight? Fight for every single thing including your fucking sanity, i mean how healthy can that be...
Cravings all through the day, how do you make these motherfucker go away, i can medicate my self all fucking day long, but in no fucking way will it make me strong. Weaker and weaker as every day passes into night, and still i havent won this fight, but you can knock me on my ass and all day ill stay flat, but when i get up ill definately rearrange your face with a bat...
Never ever are you gonna keep me down, im too fucking ignorant to go through life with a frown, getting up has sorta become a way of life for me, knowing my past and present this thruth you will see, fuck everyone and everything for standing in my way, just make sure that this game you wanna play...

'My heart is broke, but I have some glue. Help me inhale and mend it with you, We'll float around and hang out on clouds. Then we'll come down and have a hangover'

Nirvana - Dumb

Happy happy !?!

Pasing up and fucking down, nirvana blaring in the background, bodies heavy but not sick heavy. This is more of an emotional heavy manifesting from head to toe, constantly hitting myself against the forehead with my sweaty palms. Every single cell in my body putting up a fight, trying to help me not to cook up yet this tiny motherfucking part of me is just fucking going for it. Constantly bullshitting myself that this is the last one and then-NO!,' fuck what about tomorrow morning cause i have to go and work and cant be cotching up and choking on yellow fucking bile whilst breaking out in these fucking cold sweats, barely being able to move. Serving customers at a fucking restuarant; YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! And then the afternoon bullshitting brainwave hits: OH FUCKING WELL i've already used today so i might as well use again tonight after work altho after my last fucking hit at work, i took the spick, broke the needle and the plunger off, twisted the plastic part into its fuck you just before you promised yourself that 'this is my last fucking hit ever!!!!?'
But you were clean, when was is it again? About a week ago? Youve got all the fucking meds you need to come clean, havnt been like really overdoing it this time so how sore and sick can you actually get? Yet you can never be to careful i suppose or rather this other part of me assumes and thats how this vicious cycle of bullshitting yourself goes and its even sadder, more depressing, fucked up and morbid than you can ever imagine. If youve never been in this position i dont think you can even actually begin to just start comprehending as to what the fuck we go through.
One fucking week and im standing right were i was five cunting years ago, so fucking fed up, fucked up, so fucking annoyed at myself that my stomachs knotted, so much ive just thrown away, from a stride in my step to a hunch in my back, just wanting to punch someone but im talking fuck them up good and solid, snapping sound of a nose breaking, blood spraying everywhere, warm blood gently drizzling on your face, the sound of ribs breaking, wind out with that familiar sound of someone just hitting the ground, out cold, body shaking, bruised battered and defeated. Victorious in more ways than one.
Just pick up something and with your bare hands just putting all your energy into just ripping it apart, taking it firmly gripping it in your sweaty palms, white knuckles, all your anger goes into frustaration, trying to snap something in two but its fighting back, slight movement, bit of play, then that sudden that cracking sound and feeling - something snapping, nearly taking half your fucking face off with the force and anger you put in after this huge fucking snap that blared through your ears sounding like a explosion.
Taking it and forcefully trow it against the wall and watch it smach into a million fucking pieces and with all my weight just fucking smash it even more and more, pieces of splinters being ground to dust with the my heel; trampling and turning your foot into the fucking ground so hard that you actually feel it shocking through your whole body. Hurting yourself more and more not sure whether it is to punish you for being such a little cunt and fucking up again or maybe even underlying hate and anger that your channeling through this one session of truly fucking letting go? Boy aint the life of a junkie just fucking great, beautiful and amazing.

'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.'

Buddha

Smack attack

Man down - flat on your bloody face, from my side its 'bliss' but others will think: what a fucking disgrace? Completely wasted, totally and utterly out of it; you know the story - different day but same old shit. 'Funny' part is it doesn't matter how shit faced you get, getting shitfaced will and does always cause reget. Completely confused and always after the sweet honey you've tasted, yet so annoyed and pissed off about all the money and hard work you just wasted...
And you know how fucking amazing it is to be clean, cause how many times in that heaven have you not been. In that world you dont have one single fucking worry, not one reason to be or for yourself feel sorry. Yet you choose to suffer and on yourself make it so freaking hard, always fucking procrastinating on that one single choice that will lead to a fresh start...
What it it that you so hectically fear, why is it so fucking difficult to move away from the gear? Youll never understand how this shit eats away at you, you feel completely fucking powerless like theres absolutely nothing about this you can do. You really just lose huge chunks of yourself along the way and the parts you dont lose or sell they just conveniently dissapear one day...

'Bird of prey, bird of prey. Flying high, flying high, gently pass on by. Bird of Prey, Bird of Prey, Flying high, flying high. Am i going to die?'

The Doors - Bird of prey

Fucking crazy

Wanting to quit your job just to go and get a fucking hit, you are really fucking redarded you stupid shit. Fucking yourself over on a daily basis, getting pissed off and annoyed at all the happy faces. Just wanting to pop their bubbles and bring them down, fuck! I cant be the only one walking around with this huge fucking frown...
Most of the time they're not even aware what we go through, nevermind even have the foggiest as to what we do. Youll be in the good books for years: and in one moment of honesty you ignite all theyre fears. And all of a sudden 'they've known all along', and now your the cunt and everything you do is wrong...
Never ever will you be trusted like before and im not even insinuating that it'll be more. From here on everything that goes wrong is you and about this little equasion there is round about fuckall you can do. Accept, reflect and move on and that is the end of this fucking song...

'when your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, when you think youve had too much, of this life, to hang on. Dont let yourself go; cause everybody cries. Everybody hurts, sometimes...'

R.E.M - Everybody hurts

From hero to zero in 1 bad choice

I was fucking walking on air, in this fucking world i had not one single care. Even had a stride in my walk, confidence was beaming and you could even pick it up in my talk. For a short while it reminded me of a life i had long ago, and happiness in every aspect did it show. You will never understand how pissed with myself im getting now, while typing this and thinking how badly I FUCKED UP - WOW!!!
I was really fucking detoxed, clean and sober not to long back, altho not sleeping well but in comparison the heroin addiction that is really jack. Stranger things have happend but in a flash the balance in my exsistance started returning, and weirdly enough i didnt even feel like going to score or any tricks turning. Things really felt like they were returning to normality, fucking amazing; can this really be? Still celebrating and rejoycing about being sober and clean. Sooo...this calls for a celebration; know what i mean???
Being the fucking-stupid-annoying-ignorant-little cunt like only i can, walking into the worst fucking self-constructed trap; man!?! Cause as i went to go and score, found a new spot where to get gear and more. Walked passed a spot and saw someone buying something with a familiar looking cap made of orange plastic and this is where things started fucking out and derailing like in drastic. Now i am so fucked and only if youve been in this position in your life, then youll know that know the shit is gonna be rife!!!

'Goodbye cruel world, I'm leaving you today.Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.
Goodbye, all you people, There's nothing you can say To make me change my mind. Goodbye'

Pink Floyd - Goodbye cruel world

Subutex, heroin maybe even suboxone

A socially acceptable buzz is what these tablets are, cause from being clean you are still very far. Peace of mind is what it your family and friends will get, but all they are is a legal hit slash safety net. For coming clean as an amazing and helpfull tool it can be used: but with an addict-mentality it will just as easily be abused...
Up your dose times three and then add 1 or 2 of those amazing blue pills called pax, a buzz is what youre in but these tabs are only supposed to make you relax? Well you can take my word for it that relaxed is what youll feel, pharmacutical grade so this buzz can get bigger, better and other than heroin its 'real'. Yet its no problem cause this shit comes from a legal and legit labs, just better and alrite cause they come packaged, sealed and in the form of tabs...
Youll pass any and every single urine test, and after they see the two lines on the strip for their souls theyll find rest. Happy to see and know that you are clean, yet off the tablets you still have yourself to wean. Just as, maybe even harder than coming off smack - and without getting off them first youll never be able to get your fucking life back...

'Do you have the time, to listen to me whine. About NOTHING and EVERYTHING all at once. I am one of those, melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone, No doubt about it'

Green day - Basket case

????? ???? ??? ?? ? ?

Why cant this fucking confusion and pain just go away, its like this sick fucking game that life enjoys to play. You know how wrong every step that you take feel, you understand that the repucutions to your steps are real. Completely and totally fucking up evrything youve been building over the last time - hey look at the bright side: atleast u havnt yet comitted any crime...
Wow! Is that the best comeback you could come up with, maybe you need some glue or petrol: just a sniff. Cause if thats your explanation, even just trying to use it as a justification? Then you are much more fucked up that what you believed and need to reflect, cause that bullshit mastribation no one will accept...
Still, what the fuck was up with you this morning - lost and not right and you really did put up this huge fucking fight, how do u lose a fight where you are 100% in control, maybe cause you have no fucking aim or goal, words can't express how fucking pissed i am at myself - like in hectically rough: cause i just cant stop doing this stupid fucking stuff...

'dont worry, bout a thing. Cause every little things gonna be alrite'

Bob Marley - 3 little birds

Okidoki

Completely fucked and i mean in alot more ways than just one, believe it or not but years ago this shit actually used to be fun? Its soo fucking amazing how you let yourself be decieved; not me, im an exception to this 'heroin is fucking addictive myth' and that i firmly believed. No one was able to convince me of any other truth, i heard them all but still made the wrong fucking move...
I dont know whether i fell harder faster or faster harder, all i know is you learn really fast how to barter. I mean all my addictions before smack really paved the way, but this was in a different league and ballpark that i started to play, the value of things just fell to the ground, as non-sensical, sick and fucked up it may sound...
You used to have a certain level of dignity when you sold your stuff? But with smack you ooze with desperation that you cant bluff. They know how fucking badly you need that hit, and thats the point - that is just it. You get so fucking desperate and the dealers can tell, and thats when youre stuffs prices drops and you really fuck yourself over and under sell...

'Heroin, be the death of me. Heroin, it's my wife and it's my life, because a mainer to my vein leads to a center in my head and then I'm better off and dead. Because when the smack begins to flow, I really don't care anymore'

Velvet Underground - Heroin

Why are we here ? ?? ??? ???? ?????

Plain and fucking simple - just so we can get hurt, fucked over, experience physical and emtional pain, seeing how close you can come to losing your mind and overstepping the boundry between fucked in the head and completely insane. Struggling and suffering every motherfucking day; constantly hoping for death and silently wishing your life away.... Quietly and casually sitting on your thrown of shit; thinking to yourself that you are the bloody king and that is it. Not even vaguely aware that to life there is another way. Not even to mention that you're so not in the mood for wanting a new game with your life to play. So completely caught up in this web of deception an lies you spun, and in some sick, twisted and fucked up way it used to feels like fun...
But every now and then this 'bright light' shines so that the truth and all the fucking disasters in your life you can really see; also pointing out that there has to be a different path to life for me. So that means that ill probably not be able to go out in a blaze of glory, and in my future plans that would mean a excact opposite and a completely different story. Need to keep my head above water and its not as fucking easy as it might sound, yet i must not give up cause im not a FUCK gonna lose this round...

'As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.'

Ben Hogan

Complete numbness

Life and death running, bouncing, jumping and tingling and twisting up, down and through my spine, a touch of the beginning and the end taking place at excactly the same freaking time. Not having a clue as to whats the bloody difference between up and down? And the 'normal' people look down upon you as if youre a bloody clown. Confused, happy, angry agressive and pissed off all at the same time; and all this is happening while you have no cash for a fix so you immediately you start contemplating a bit of crime...
Where the fuck is my head at i ask you? To escape this fucking spiral what the hell can i do? Feet firmly cemented into the base of this hole you dug, while your feet is ankered down you still get pushed over and around - WHAT THE FUUUCK! You promised yourself a million times that never again will you touch this shit again, but keeping to that fucking promise is whats driving you completely insane...
Balancing on this thin line between right and wrong, most of the time not knowing which side youre gonna fall on. Complicating every second of your life just more and more, when are they gonna find your lifeless body on the bathroom floor? Sometimes you are really romantacising about dying, but your such a pussy when your heart skips a couple of beats thats when your fear shows and for your life you start crying...

'Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home? Come on now I hear you're feeling down. Well I can ease your pain. Get you on your feet again. Relax.'

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb