Rehab

Going to rehab again at months end. Fith or sixth one - sooo fucking happy am i or rather: i'll try to pretend? I really hope its different this time round? But aleast for a month ill be out of harms way, safe and sound. Things are so much easier between those walls, its also so much fucking harder to hear it when your name the smack so intisingly calls. Safety net below and casually waltzing around in this purple cloud all round; medication and nurses on call so you really feel so protected, safe and sound. Room cleaned, bed getting made and getting fed whenever you are hungry and thats it; cause when you are detoxing and fucking sick you really dont have time, strenght or energy for any of that shit...
Cause at the begining you stuff your face and literally devour everything, doesnt matter how much you eat not enough sustenance does it bring. Yet you have fuckall appetite whatsoever when you are going through withdrawel, you are constantly nausious and vomitting but cant stop eating so dont worry - to me it doesnt make any sense either at all. Trying to keep your food down with the little bit of strenght you can spare, cause if you dont look after yourself about you no one else will care. Its the small details in a clinic that gives you reason not to want to run away, little things like having your room cleaned, your bed made and all the strong medication that actually makes it fun to stay...
Sorta like a 5 star hotel with a license to medicate, if it wasnt for the fact that you are detoxing you could actually consider your stay as fucking great! Ok, dont misunderdtand me in any way, cause here im talking about a private clinic stay. In the other side of the spectrum ive been aswell, the either being locked into your flat for a week or the state subsadised rehabs thats very close to hell. And those motherfucking places really suck, thank god this time on my side i have some luck...

'I didn't get a lot in class but I know it don't come in a shot glass. They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'. Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll know know know. I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine. He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go go go'

Amy Winehouse - Rehab

Hidden love

Once again on a fucking mission to go and score; your one part is shouting NO! but another part of you is seducing you and whispering 'just one more'. How the fuck do you outwit the most skilled opponent you've ever trained and met? Cause this really looks like the perfect recipe for a huge disaster and lots of regret. After years of training and teaching yourself new tricks: Its gotten so fucking easy to bullshit and con yourself into going to get a fix...
So how, when and where are you gonna survive? How much longer can one person for sobriety strive? How much longer can you lie to yourself while keeping a straight face? How many more times yourself can you misplace? Constantly losing yourself along the way, i promise you that by itself this fucking disease wont just go away. You really have to bite the bullet and hold the fuck on, and not just for a while but for fucking long...
Not for a second can you lose focus, get angry and flip - cause in that moment of weakness all your hard work will be in vain after the smallest and most minute slip. From captain recovery to junkie deluxe in that one moment you were weak, and take my word for it with yourself youll be pissed off, annoyed and fucking bleak. That one single fuckup really happens so fast; but the after effect is a problem that for quite a while will last. And then my friend you are right back at square fucking one: and you cant even lie to yourself and or pretend that anything about being stuck here again is at all and in any way fun...

'Listen to me, child, I am what I am and you, you are my only son. Well, I found a silver needle, I put it into my arm. It did some good,did some harm. But the nights were cold and it almost kept me warm, how come the night is long?'

Leonard Cohen - The Butcher

Compose new mail

All i want to do is get out of this vicious fucking cycle, but how the fuck do you get out of it? Stupid fucking idiot, making no fucking sense at all. Just writing and writing to pass the time, wanting to break everything, the sheer joy of just smashing and breaking something, shattering it into a million little pieces like ive done with my life. Getting rid of all this anger and stress, just to be able to let go. How much more do you think you can take, a hit makes you feel better at most for an hour, craving for the rest, more and more is all you want, cash is king, a king is what dealers treat you like if you have it - their best friend. Shit is all that this crap causes. Shit is what you get treated like by your worshippers if you are broke. Broke is what you are most of the time due to this shit. Yet you cant stop worshipping it, pants torn, knees bleeding from all the grovelling, you know right from wrong yet in this reality wrong is right. The more wrong you do the better you feel or is that worse, short term, long term, you polish a turd and its still a turd. Sick of fighting, yet fighting not to get sick, dont know, doesnt show, how the fuck do you let it go?

'You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you. You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you. Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell. Help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself'

NIN - Closer

Freedom

Trying to feed yourself liberty through your veins, trying to rid yourself of lifes aches and pains, causing more crap than what your taking away, sometimes you're not even glad to see your next fucking day. I actuaully dont even think ill know freedom if it bites me under my ass, probably not even if you chafe it in my face like splintered glass. Its sorta like being penetant these days, not one sign of being sorry in any of my displays...
Just going forward fucking it up more as i go along. Sorry? Nope - just singing my happy little song. Completely oblivious to the hurt im causing to everyone, and all im doing is trying to have fun? Seeing killing yourself slowly every day as fun? No wonder everyone that loves you decides to run, and as much distance they put inbetween yourself and them, always pretending not to notice you when they see you again...
Well i really dont have a motherfucking clue, as to what the fuck i must do? Always fighting this monkey thats cruising along, pretending to enjoy life and singing my happy little song. Yet on the inside im dying a million deaths, counting down to my last breath. Dying sounds like such a nice and easy way out but thats not what overcoming this bitch disease is about...

'Forget about yourself's. Forget about your culture and forget about your history and just fly. And just fly. Your anger is a gift!'

Rage Against the Machine - Freedom

Fuckup deluxe

From being 100% clean to shooting up again in a fucking week max, now is the fucking time for me to sort my fucking head out and pause, stop and relax. The worst feeling of defeat youll ever taste, all this energy it takes to come clean; what a fucking waste. But why the fuck would i want to fall back into that routine: cause a couple of the few unhappy endings for this story youve experienced and even seen. Yet without even giving a single thought about it? Spick, spoon, strap, water and youre cooking that shit...
The only feeling you get in anyways is this huge fucking feeling of regret, not even considering all the shit it causes, the double life and all the fucking bad debt. Sinking lower and lower as every second goes by, god when your hooked on this shit does time not fly. After you blink just before you open your eyes, you are in for a huge motherfucking surprise. Quick, quick and once again youve completely fucked out, all you want to do is kick your own ass, call yourself a cunt, scream and shout...
But at the end of the day waht good would that do, youre the one that yourself did screw. You are the one that made the bad choice. Fuck! The other day you were just celebrating and jumping with joy cause of rejoice. I suppose you can only start celebrating the day you die, not possible but thats when there is only one or two people who will sit and cry. But they shouldnt, cause finally this battle of yours is over and done. And only after youve died this battle youve won...

'What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know, goes away in the end. You could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt'

NIN - Hurt

Drugs = Disaster

Its just ludicrious to think that this badly your life can rotate around heroin and grass, look on the bright side - it cudve been mandrax, crack and glass? God dammit but thats a depressing thought, deluxe model .02 - and this is how amazingly hard yourself you can screw, cause justifying heroin and grass with all that other fucked up shit? More fucked are you than what you thought and by alot more than just a little bit...
You open your fucking eyes in the morning and the first thought to cross your mind is 'smack!', fuck it would be amazing to get a bit of normality back. The luxury of getting a good nights rest, i mean even just 5 hours of unmedicated sleep at best. That will be like heaven on earth, something that can be compared to a new life or the feeling of rebirth? Its not worth it to cry about this shit now, but for fuck sakes its really hard to to get rid of this shit like for fuck sakes - wow...
For the millionth time where the fuck do you start, im over this: find your true self and just look inside your heart. To someone whos never been here its much easier said than done and i promise you that going cold turkey there is not one bit of fun. Maybe if you like crawling out your skin and having and for a week having cramps and water running out of your tummy? then you might consider it cool or even funny? But if your that twisted and thats your idea of fun then i promise you youll do better if you blast a hole in your fucking temple with a gun...

'try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side'

The Doors - Break on through

Stuck in bad luck - fuck a duck!

Ive litterally been stagnent and stuck in this same space for 17 years, caught and held hostage by my worst and deepest fears. How the fuck do you snap off and break these fucking chains? Thats how intricately you tied yourself up due to not being able let go, adapt and change. Everything that hurt knocks you down to a level lower than your previous zero, sometimes it feels like getting out of this you need to be a superhero. Or it would be nice if for a change life stopped tossing shit at you, but until then: what the fuck can you do???
Life is always and forever a fucking fight and then you get to a point where things just start coming right, then once again out under your feet the rug gets ripped, its not even your fault and you cant even lie and say you got tripped. One curveball after the other gets tossed in your direction and thats the story of my fucking life and its true reflection. Of this vicious fucking cycle i need to get out, start believing i can do this, without a doubt...

'Now you sit there thinking feeling insecure. The mocking court gesture (jester) claims there is no proven cure. Go back to your chamber, your eyes upon the wall 'Cos you got no one to listen, you got no one to call'

Rodriguez - Jane S. Piddy

Yet another fuckup?

From a clear mind, a sorta semi-positive outlook on life and a faint glimmer of hope. As the shit hit the fan again - old habits die hard so: back to shooting dope. For once it felt like everything was starting to come right, then false hope and pain initiated inside me this hugely unfair fight. With all this shit inside of me thats just brewing and building, my junkie-mentality can only focus on one thing. This obsession with a needle started running over and over through my head, not even concidering all the shit that by taking this hit i'll get...
Conveniently forgetting about how it suks dick to go cold turkey, and at the end of the day the only motherfucker im screwing over again is me. A million and one reasons to wanna be alive; yet i climb right to the top of the divingboard and without hesitation straight back into hell i made a 10 point swan-dive. Clasically taking the first leap to once again start fucking up my life; and with golden lined letters inviting back into my life all the same old strife. I really do know how hard myself i am screwing yet i dont have a clue as to why the fuck this i am doing...
Maybe the bigger picture - fucked up emotions and not knowing how to handle pain? Maybe just to fuck myself over and prevent myself from regaining my mind again? What ever the excuse or answer may be, either im to fucking blind or ignorant to see? Maybe one day understanding will come my way? maybe one day i can get this fucking addiction to go away? Cause untill that day the only thing ill be doing, is over and over again myself fucking and screwing...

'I got my head but my head is unraveling. Can't keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling. I got my heart but my heart's no good, you're the only one that's understood. I come along but I don't know where you're taking me, I shouldn't go but you reaching back and shaking me. Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky - the more i give to you the more i die'

NIN - The Perfect Drug

Another eish?

If i had a rand for every tear ive shed then i would be able to give you the life you expect, if i got symparty for every single fucking regret: very long ago the mistrust you would forget. If you had understanding as to every handfull of hair ive pulled out, then you really wouldve known what being angry at myself is all about. If only i coud wave a magic wand and it will make all the shit right, with yourself you'd have no reason to fight
cause you know how much i love you...
If only i could go back in time, for you id erase all my bad and not have comitted one crime. If only youd understand how i truly feel, then youll know everything is from the heart and so pure and real. If you know my heart like i know my heart belongs to you, then you would know everything i said i meant and is true. If only you knew my heart like i know that your heart belongs to me, then a bright and happy future for us youll also see...
Cause i know how much you love me
If only sometime another chance i could get, all the trust issues, stress and sorrow ill help you forget. If in time things look like they can work out, then ill remind you what true and pure love is about. If only the feeling i get from you still went both ways, our love and passion would be amazing in all ways. If sorry could make everything right then this small issue could be solved by a simple fight...
Cause i know how much we love each other!!!

'come on baby, come on over, let me be the one to show you: im the one that wants to be with you, deep inside i hope you feel it too, waiting on a line, oh, waiting on a line, just to be the next to be with you'
Mr. big - To be with you

Fuck off! Again?

A million and one ways to get of this hole, yet all your ambition and strenght the smack stole, can see oppertunity in so many things all round but like too much of a mission does it sound. So fucking badly pulling yourself out of this fucking hole, jump out and take back all the life you let heroin control. In your mind its as simple as one two three, but once youre there its fuck difficult; trust me! Fuck man this bitch is riding me hard but some-fucking-where i have to make a fresh start. Changing my mind, changing my way, collect all my pieces that in the process i threw away - dicide what is right and what is wrong, deciding what to leave and what to take along. Intricattely these choices you have to make cause tust me:if one wrong motherfucker you take, everything goes to shit in a week and all those fucking good intentions you might aswell keep...


'To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end. The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come. When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause: there's the respect that makes calamity of so long life; For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, The pangs of despised love, the law's delay.'

Shakespeare - Hamlet

Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

Every single fuckup i make, so much joy out of my life it does take, everything i touch used to turn to gold but i guess that talent for heroin i probabily also swopped or sold. But i mean its never to late to make a fresh start, all you need is want, motivation and a strong heart. Fuck theres always the fucking slipping and falling, thats usually when you conviniently forget about the mysery of withdrawing...
To fall back in there is always a way BUT it depends on what game you choose to play. Get busy living or get busy dying, and if you choose dying you might sit with a bunch of loved ones over you mourning and crying. You really have to be sooo fucking stong and gaining this strenght takes fucking long. 18 years of adiiction it took me, my real and true self to see...
Now what am i gonna do with this four days clean, it doesnt sound a lot but to sumeone whos been a heroin addict it might sound like a fucking lifes dream. No clinics just, locked up in my flat on my own with a lot of meds and alotta weed, something that in that situation you really need. All just to take the edge away and also its stops you from suicide thought and games of russian roulette you start to play. Just when my head starts clearing i get a lot of pain and remorse, duh! You dumbfuck dickhead youre starting to exparience the pains of life so ofcourse...

'I'm tired of being what you want me to be. Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. Don't know what you're expecting of me. Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes (Caught in the undertow, just caught in theundertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you'

Linkin Park - Numb

Please forgive me

Im sorry about all the tears we both cried, im sorry for all the times that to you i lied, i really fucked up your trust solid and good, all i needed to do was put forward my best foot. But old habits die hard and it wasnt the end but atleast avery good start. You showed love and understaning as much as you could, never on your shoulders that burden shouldve put...
You stood by me every second of the fight and right from the start i shoulve listened to you cause you were right. Your good and pure heart showed me the way of light and your love and everything about you gave me reason to fight, yet junkie me, was just to fucking blind to see, and just fucked it up completely and all i shouldve done was go back to being me...
Wish you could embrace the good, the bad, the past and the future in me, if you love me the way i love you then you will see. I wish i could right the wrongs yet all i can do is about it write corny songs. Youve changed me and im really gonna be the best, screw the gossip, the logic and fuck the rest, togrther we belong and with that my angel there is nothing wrong...

'Woman, I can hardly express my mixed emotions and my thoughtlessness. After all, I'm forever in your debt and woman, I will try to express my inner feelings and thankfulness. For showing me the meaning of success.
Woman, please let me explain: i never meant to cause you sorrow or pain, so please let me tell you again and again, now and forever, i love you now and forever'

John Lennon - Woman

Fuck me sideways - AGAIN!

On my fuxking way to work, inside me this demon of cold turkey lurks. Supressed by a couple of boats just for luck; i only had time for 3 - FUCK! Blue and white tablets above and below my tongue, one is to supress this demon and the other one is for fun. 8 of these white babies ive had in the last 24hours, no wonder i dont feel this exploding demons powers...
Slowly but surely this stash is running out and thats when your gonna see what this shit is really about. Those blue numbers just dont do the fucking trick, fuck me running does heroin addiction not stink. Its as if theres no escape from this whore you love so dearly wth all your heart, fuck you never expected this the day you did start. Then it was still a bit of fun, sorta like your weekly away from life run. Now its become more than just a chace of wind and air - its really the only motherfucking thing that you about in your life care...
So fucking wasted and just to run around after your next fucking hit, rain or fucking shine you have to go and get that shit. Anything you can see as valueable you WILL fucking sell, and in the pawnshop in your pale face the owner the desperation can tell. How the fuck do you get away from a whole fucking wasted lifetime of dishonesty and sin, fuuuck my man! Where the fuck do you begin. I suppose 3 days off the gear is reall a good start, but really all you need the do is follow the wants in your heart...

'Don't be afraid to be weak. Don't be too proud to be strong. Just look into your heart my friend That will be the return to yourself The return to innocence. If you want, then start to laugh If you must, then start to cry Be yourself don't hide Just believe in destiny! Don't care what people say Just follow your own way Don't give up and use the chance To return to innocence. That's not the beginning of the end. That's the return to yourself. The return to innocence'

Enigma - The Return to Innocence

Mmhmm

I really dont know if today conted as clean but atleast two days its been. A valuin and 3 subutex tabs for breakfast time and then two valuims and two subutex tabs at lunch just to keep feeling fine, im not even mentioning the 17 blunts i had but thats the thing thats keeping me from going completely bonkers and mad. Hey..shit: atleast i didnt use smack and have gotten two days of sobriety back...
And thats more than most adiicts can wish for, you aint finding this body cold and blue on any floor...
I cant and i wont...
Fuck that shit!
I have to get up and make a difference...
My time is now...

'I don't know how I got this way. I know it's not alright. So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit. Tonight. Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door. I try to catch my breath again. I hurt much more. Than anytime before'

Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit

Rotten

If you go to the hospital to get injected, i can promise you that a sterile syringe will never be rejected. But if you have a problem and you shoot smack, you dont give a fuck if your tools are broken with and has here and there a crack. Blunt point getting jammed and scratching around in your arm, the point is like a fucking diseased germ farm. Yet you dont give a fuck anyway; cause jamming that thing in your arm takes the sick away. So fucking sick in your mind you get that only after the shot you might feel the slightest bit of regret. So far you lose what used to be you, so fucking hard yourself you will screw, all you want is to take the cold turkey away, it doesnt matter how dirty the toys is with what you play. Brain is already full of holes and burnt to shit, nothing more to say, yip: thats about it...

'I am the needle in your vein and I control you. I am the high you can't sustain and I control you. I am the pusher, I'm a whore and I control you. I am the need you have for more and I control you. I am the bullet in the gun and I control you. I am the truth from which you run'

NIN - Mr. Self distruct

Rags to riches

This bitch drug called smack will take you and pull you all the way down the fucking drain, to get out of her spiral is like trying to stop a runaway train. From the perspective of someone whos never ever used, theyll just look at your fruitless efforts and constantly be amused. Thinking and asking stupid questions like: why dont you just say no and stop? And thats right about when i start thinking: you fucking idiot, you really are a stupid fucking chop! If it was that easy dont you think i wouldve stopped this shit 10 years ago? I mean, im a druggie - im not stupid or slow...
No you stupid cunt, i enjoy literally hating my life every second of every fucking day, i love it so much that im constantly wishing this miserable life of mine away. Heroin addiction is the most amazing choice with my life i couldve made. The agression it causes and constantly worrying about going cold turkey or dying is brilliant man and oh so fucking great. Always worrying about getting money before you start to detox for your next hit, this is the life to live - really cuz - this is it! And there is another couple of other bonusses which i forgot, constipation, chest cramps, liver aching, kidneys throbbing and one by one your teeth away theyll rot...
Doesnt it sound like the most amazing life there is to live, addiction is the biggest and best present to yourself that you can give. It feels like any-fucking-second you can drop over and die, sometimes you feel so frustrated and powerless that its not even worth it to break down and cry. You constantly have this repedative burning urge to just to hang up your guns and quit, u know how fucked up and bad for your health and exsistance this poison really is and that is it. But with heroin you are so fucking hooked that about 500 times a week you make plans to quit and promise yourself this hit is your fucking last; then when you see again your still hooked, life is even more fucked up and another year or two has gone past...

'Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me, Distracting/reacting. Against my will I stand beside my own reflection. It's haunting, how I can't seem...'

Linkin Park - Crawling

Hair

This bitch of a drug is grinding me so fucking hard, it wasnt this fucked up when i made that one stupid choice to start. Still enjoying it and seeing it as a naughty game to play, now its fucked me over and has taken alot more than just my earthly posessions away. Bit by bit getting chipped away as time progresses, more and more suicidal as it depresses. Fuck, i wish there was just one way in which this was funny: maybe theres humor in the way you're blowing your fucking money...
Flat broke day and night, getting out of this hole is a huge fucking fight. See the light and start getting excited and glad, having your feet kicked out under you again and thats when you get achingly fucking mad. Betraying yourself a thousand times a day, fighting for your life has sort of become your lifes way. How many more round will you be able to get up, cause sooner or later dead on the floor you'll drop...
I feel sorry for the one who finds my lifeless corpse on the ground, trust me its more traumatic then what it does sound. For example if my brother would find me - that one would be sad: cause hes already found on the ground with a gun in his hand the body of our dad, the fucker shot himself in the head, i still wonder what the last thing was that to himself he said. Fuck this shit! Not yet, i cant die, well theres only one person in my life that will cry...

'A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.'

Charles Darwin

Heavy

Fuuuck! Its amazing how fast and how wasted things can get, in such a short fucking time so much unnessacary bad dept, trying to claw your way out of this home made and self styled fucking ditch, and just as you get to the top you get gripped by the ankles and pulled back down by this stupid fucking bitch, who i would like to refer to as 'my favorite lady smack', fuck-me-sideways if she has you in her grip it feels like theres no coming back. When your relationship with this bitch starts to grow; then how far you can lose yourself is one of the things to you that she'll show...
Doing every fucking possible thing i can to waste time before i take my next hit, for the love of christ! you dont understand how fucking sick and tired i am of this shit, it doesnt matter how many times you engage in this stupid twisted fucking game, the end results will always be and stay the same. That bitch will fuck you up hard and trust me its sore, yet youll go running back begging and pleading for more. Body, mind and soul: you can literally feel all of them dying, and in the distant background you hear shattered parts of your true self begging and crying...
Totally fucked up cause the next hit you really dont want to take, and to add to that its as if your body wants to crack, give in and break. So much drugs, so little time - i mean how long did you think the party will last - if you dont stop soon youll see your end pretty fucking fast. Fighting off the urge to take that next fucking hit, unfortunately smack is stronger although just a wee bit. So this battle will literally take out of you everything youve got, yet to win it you have to do something as 'simple' as just not taking that next fucking shot...

'Before you slip into unconsciousness, I'd like to have another kiss. Another flashing chance at bliss, another kiss, another kiss. The days are bright and filled with pain, enclose me in your gentle rain. The time you ran was too insane, We'll meet again, we'll meet again'

The Doors - The Crystal Ship

Dissapointment

Constantly dissapointing the 3 people in your life that actually care - one negative word, one negative whisper gives them this huge fucking scare. What the fuck is everyone on about, i just wanna get into their faces with all my hate and anger scream and shout. But if you look at the bigger picture: ive never ever given them reason to trust and believe in me before, and the trust that was there at the beginning, man! It just aint there no-more...
Trust is something with which you should not fuck around and play: cause when you break its hectically close to forever going away. Shit man, thats a bitch that gets in your way and really fucks with you, cause if the trust is splintered and shattered theres not much you can you do. Trying to protect yourself and them by lying but at the end of the day it still ends up in a fuck load of shouting and crying...
Still at the end of the day the only ass you were actually trying to protect belonged to you, so what the fuck were you actually trying to do? Bullshit yourself aswell in the same process, all your fuckups and slips trying to repress? Well all you can take from this is that it didnt a fuck work out, atleast you know more of what you are about...

'Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld. So I can sigh eternally. I'm so tired I can't sleep. I'm a liar and a thief. I sit and drink Pennyroyal Tea. I'm anemic royalty'

Nirvana - Pennyroyal Tea

Hellish or just plain hell

Ive never ever in my fucking life lost grip of my life as what i did this time round: no truth, only heroin and reality and thats even worse than it sounds, from being a complete and total health finatic - one wrong move and what am i again! a fucking heroin addict. This time was different: i mean evil and far into the twilight zone BUT GUESS WHAT YOU CUNTS? IVE made it back home...
Just a short while ago i was grovelling in the ashes infront of the gates of hell-begging and pleading for them to let me in. Im so fucking over heroin addiction that i saw suffering and burning in an pit of flames as a better life to begin. Your so fucking down that you literally wanna die, yet to stay alive you would go even as far as to beg and cry? Seeing death and freedom as the same thing, and really knowing what freedom and penetance it will bring...
Just wanting to be released of this evil fucking thing that got you in its capture, and if you dont make a fucking plan soon youll be caught there untill the freaking raptue. This addiction thing is so much more fucked up than what anyone can ever make it sound and if you can curb your curiousity the son of a bitch cant come round? Cause all this time its wasted and life its thrown away - fuck man...was it really worth it all at the end of the day???

'Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions.'

Edgar Cayce

How much is too much?

Everythings bright and everythings new, look how much you've accomplished and its all u; you really have so fucking much to be grateful for - you've picked urself up and no longer are you laying face down on the floor. Trying not to romantasize to make it sound like it wasnt all fun, and for sorting your life out: A-fucking one. The problem is in the fact that it wasnt all bad and here in lays the harsh reality my lad...
That something that fucked you up so badly, now that is gone from your life it leaves u so sadly? Strange as what it might seem; testing-testing: this is not a dream. And as badly as you just want to wake up out this bad nightmare, youre fighting to stay asleep cause reality is what gives you the real fucking scare...
Harsh, crude and extremely cold that the way life i see, and then sometimes its just plain fucking trippy? There is really nothing that makes sense at all in any way, your life is running out - wasted, there, its gone: another day! So how are you gonna face this issue head on? Well have to work on that but ill gaurantee you ill need too stay strong...

'We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.'

Albert Einstein

Heroin, methadone, subutex, suboxone, pax and stilnox

Smarties to keep jou going, or is it actually real progress youre showing? Dont even try and bullshit me, you are soo fucking zonked and everyone can see, sunken eyes deep and dark, from being just a survivor back to being a shark. Atleast all these pills keep you at bay, and yes; they take the cravings away. But without them you are so fucking lost and far gone - cause its really these babies that keep me strong...
Just a legal numbing out of your pain, only things that are borderlining you from going insane. I must admit detox meds have gotten better a million fold, but once their addictive power have you in its hold: Fuck! Its harder to get off all these tablets than smack itself and thats my promise to you. The thought and justification of legal opiates can really with your mind screw...
Its alright and better cause its not smack but still you have none of your power back. Well to outsiders it might look as if you kicked the shit but your still feeding your addiction bit by bit. Still numbing out the pain and giving away your power yet your still constantly awaiting your final hour, then maybe you can be rid of this once and forever, you must really be fucked up if you consider death an answer, no! never...

'If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.'

Kurt Cobain

Im over these bloody subjects

Opened my eyes this morning and already i had to put up a huge fucking fight, but fighting addiction and the cravings is neither fair nor right. Its so fucking crazy and difficult to ignore - when in your head has its own agenda to go and score. It beats down on you as if youre being struck by a hammer - for every step or solid choice you make - in the works this asshole throws a spanner. Yes! no, no, YES! no, no and then again that last overpowering: YES! just to make the dominoes tumble, all of a sudden your nose starts running, body aching, stomach cramping and thats when all your resistance starts to crumble...
I was fine untill i convinced myself to go and score and now the only thought on my fucking mind is another hit: MORE! That was part of the reason and logic i tried myself with to convince, and now all the strengh and power is completely fucked up, mashed and minced. Fucking waisted and no longer there - but cause you have no one to dissapoint you sort of dont care. Yet the hit was dissapointing as expected and quite shit, that was also part of my watertight arguement but still i went along with it???
This really makes no fucking sense to me at all, my sytem is sorta clean so im not going through cold turkey or any withdrawel. Only when my head goes into gear to go and score then all of a sudden i get anxious, nausious and my muscles get sore? Really, that is addiction playing a sick and twisted game with me and ive been caught up in it long enough this to see. So i have no legit or even mildly good reason to fuck out? So for the love of god - what the fuck is this all about...

'All I'm writing is just what I feel, that's all. I just keep it almost naked. And probably the words are so bland.'

Jimi Hendrix

This is the end ??

Why the fuck cant i just take this one last step into the unknown? I know my path is at its end cause in my dreams to me its been shown? Yet why the fuck cant I get past day three? God! There has to be something drastically wrong with me? Going cold turkey has become part of my weekly routine, for once cant i just properly come clean? For fuck sakes cant i just turn my life around? To anyone whos never been addicted before: thats soo much fucking harder than what it sounds...
When youre high you know every right decision make, you can lay out the perfect plan and know excactly which road to take. You can visualize yourself being a success and taking over the world in a year, ready for anything and everything without a single dash of fear. There is fuckall in your life that you cannot achieve cause thats how hectically in yourself and your better judgement you believe, thats only when you are completely stupid eyed and your pupils are the size of pin points, and in your system a valium or two plus a couple of joints...
But when you body starts freezing and the shit pulls out your your system; thats when you find yourself stuck in another conundrum. All this belief and strenght you saw in yourself turns to into distant memories of shit, and all your plans of change and moving forward: it stays thoughts and thats it. Very rapidly starting to fear reality and all the pain life brings, and the worst songs of regret and failure your head shouts out and sings. Fucked up in the head and thats all i can say, lets just hope and pray i can beat this motherfucking cunt drug some day...

'You don't want to waste your life.
I walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me.
Change'

Counting Crows - A Murder of One

Yet another FUUUUUUCK !!!

Theres such an undescribanle love between a junkie and his spick and ive probably said this before but it really sucks dick. I really dont have the foggiest as to why its so fucking appealing? Yet for another hit youll even find yourself begging, worshipping all whilst kneeling. Its a sick and twisted type of desperation you might confuse with love, but never ever again will you have the freedom to do anything or even in your head fly away like a dove. Your whole world, literally fucking everything rotates around your tools, this is really the weapon of choice for stupid fucking smartass fools...
But once upon a time you promised yourself that drugs youll never touch, yet in this fucking life of yours youve seen and done your fair share plus an additional way to much. I mean sticking a needle in your arm doesnt just happen overnight; cause for fucksakes when i was younger they used to give me a huge fucking fright. If i saw a needle nevermind it going into my arm and id pass out slap, bang waking up to what feels like the next day, nope -before you get there, theres is alot of morals and values that need to get stripped away. At your most fucked up and desperate must you be to take that step or to be cool infront of your friends but fuuuck that stupid choice or popularity booster will only end up in tears of regret...
By trying to repress the old scars youre just creating fresh ones that only know about: deeper, harder and more; and the newer ones is much harder to heal than the set you had before. With each chop it slashes rips, cuts and festers more yet youre the one holding the axe, just going at it beating and chopping away at yourself without even taking a moment to relax. Fucking youself over harder and harder with every bad choice you make, 600 black and yellow sighnboards to show the way and still the wrong road youll take. I dont know what the fuck with myself im gonna do cause how much harder can one person themself screw???

'Keep myself away...
how am i gonna keep myself away from me?'

Counting Crows - Perfect Blue Buildings

Another two days

So weird that when im clean i dont have much to say, normaly im bubbling over in everyway, maybe its cause im shitscared of the day that lays ahead of me, going to work and getting paid - god this is gonna be a huge test for me. Being locked inside your flat for two days is one thing, but lots of fuckups can being back in the world bring. For the next month im gonna be walking a wobbly fucking tightrope over the abyss, if i wasnt so selfconcious in my pants out of fear id probably piss...
Its five in the morning and the world is has started waking. Well? Im snug warm back in my bed cause since four ive been baking, not much ambition at this moment in time, for fuck sakes ive been clean for two days so this shouldnt be dubbed a crime. No rehab, no support system, home on my fucking ace, on the one side im looking forward to go to work just to get out this fucking place. For two days my prison was also my fucking salvation, well being locked in just prevented a bad situation...
Voice is still squeaky, body quite numb, most of the time ill just feel stupid or dumb. Body is completely outa fucking control stomach is fucked, and all off a sudden i realize that this day has already started balls to suck. Sitting on my bed tablet under my tongue, although i even this is sooo fucking wrong. Cause in 5 minutes ill be buzzing and the worries of the word turn warm and fuzzy...

'White lips, pale face. Breathing in snowflakes. Burnt lungs, sour taste. Light's gone, day's end. Struggling to pay rent '

Ed Sheeran - The A Team

Another fuuuck !!!

Thats what happens when you are nodding first thing in the day, you start typing but things dont go your way. Wake up out of your heroin dream, your still in the taxi but how long has it been? Long enough to send through half a fucked up post, i didnt push send; it mustve been a fucking ghost. Cause i was still very-very far gone, then got pulled back to reality by a certain song. The tone that says an email i recieved, how the fuck did that happen and who would believe...

'please forgive me, i know not what i do'

Bryan Adams

Another huge fucking sigh

Running home to take a another fucking hit, even sadder than that reality is that im not even im the mood for it? Yet my legs are carrying me as fast as they can go, my head shouting out cries of: DONT! and NO!! Swearing at myself with words quite fucking vile, yet after im finished bullshitting myself i always sit with this naughty smile. Its as if one part of me has achieved this huge fucking success and its a plain and simple situation: just fuck the rest...
After the hit all i feel is how you feel every day - normal, then for a while you can go on with your life and act quite formal, yet in the back of your mind you are timing for an hour, cause to hold out for longer than that you dont have enough strenght and power. Here by 50 minutes the time starts dragging the fuck along and for this last 10 minutes you have to be really-really strong. You look on the clock and what felt like an hour was only 2 minutes that went past; i mean for the love of god: how long can these 5 minutes actually last...
Another two minutes then you can take your next hit. Wait another 2 whole minutes? Fuck that shit! In my mind im already cooking up in anyway, i can aim for an hour again another day. This battle is like an infant fighting with Mike Tyson or one man taking on a herd of bison? FUUUUCK!! Its a hectic fucking mission to get off this shit, the easiest way is to just say NO the first fucking time round and THATS IT!!!

'I've seen the needle and the damage done. A little part of it in everyone. But every junkie's like a settin' sun.'

Neil young - The needle and the damage done

Wroom-wroom

First fuckingtime that ive ever gotten this pissed-off and annoyed with myself and me. Clean and sober for a while then again you fuck out - couldnt i just let this shit be? But no! I aways have to fuck it up good and solid and this time round i cant even say it burnt a hole in my wallet. Cause im accustomed to always being flat fucking broke but this time round its not even a joke...
Everything you own gets reduced to smack in price, and to let it go you dont even think twice. Fucking scary how much assets i can accumilate in a week. Its just a fucking pity its so difficult to keep. Yet after every lapse you own even less than before. God dammit! Whats wrong with having more. Everything that comes into this path of distruction gets reduced to a hit or three, im not vey clever but there must be something hectically wrong with me...

'Upside down! You're taking me underground. Your breaking me down, down, down. You're tearing me inside out. You burry me.
This ain't no one night stand. I gotta do it again and again!'

Dope - Addiction

Still subjectless

So much shit constantly on your fucking mind, yet to all your worries smack sorta makes you blind, unfortunately its not completely gone; cause you can constantly feel in your gut that theres something wrong. Knawing away at your being and fucking with your sanity, if only 18 years ago you let all this shit be. But there is FUCKALL use to cry over spilt milk today cause it aint gonna make any of your shit go away...
No one who is right in the head would make the same stupid fucking mistake over and again and then a couple of times more, there has to be something wrong with you if it doesnt scare you off every time you turn around at deaths door. In your life how many shrinks have you seen, back to your childhood a million times youve been. Trying to figure why in the name of god you always come running straight to your forbidden love: smack, hating every second of addiction yet with open arms you always welcome her back? Most of the time it feels like you're fighting this huge fucking battle in vain and then one wrong move and all your energy and efforts go down the drain...

'Cuz every time I go to try to leave, something keeps pullin on my sleeve. I dont wanna but I gotta stay these drugs really gotta hold of me. Cuz everytime I try ta tell 'em no they won't let me ever let 'em go. I'm a sucker all I gotta say is drug's really gotta hold of me'

Eminem - Drugs got a hold on me