Pornography, heroin and grunge

I promise you it literally feels as if my head's in a fucking vice, if it wasnt for the feeling of my head bursting open and my eyebolls popping out it could actually be quite nice. But nooo!! My freaking head feels as if wants to explode and over time all this shit will make your braincells corrode. If only you can get back all the time you've wasted over romantasizing about stopping this shit; your life would be light years ahead and theres absolutely no doubt about it...
Yet would you like the place where it woulde been? Would you have had all the wisdom youve had if you havnt experienced everything youve seen? Thats a question with answers thats so fucking complicated, thinking about all the outcomes will only leave me frustrated. More frustration that addiction is causing? To get to the answer is it even worth pausing...
A million and one different outcomes there couldve been, and i aint shitting you on that - do you know what i mean? Burning even more braincells to contemplate another outcome, shit man that doesnt sound like fun. Anyways; i really dont have a fucking clue, so what the fuck is there left for me to do? The only way i can answer that question at all is to clear my head by going through a serious case of detox and withdrawel...


'Hello, Is there anybody in there. Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home. Come on now. I hear you're feeling down. I can ease your pain. And get you on your feet again'

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

Another huge fucking sigh - again!

The only things that this crap causes in your life is alot of negative shit, hate and regret. Dont forget the anger and dissapointment and always being fucking broke - vet pret! But you will fuck up everything that is good and right then still go out of your way to go and get more; your sanity and conscience is literally imprisoned in this body thats on its way to go and score. Everything that is good, sensible and pure in you is shouting and screaming at you not to go! Yet like a stupid fucking cunt you just procrastenate and then who is boss? That to you the smack will show...
Its totally fucked up not to be completely incharge of the choices you make, even more fucked up the chances this shit gets you to take. You are somewhere inside this fucking shell, unfortunately the faint shouting and screaming in the back of your head is the only way you can tell. Your body is like a runaway train on this huge mission to go and get smack and this little piece of you is like a fucking toothpick that gets thrown on the track, just laying there supposed to stop this fucking train. I know there is no logic in that statement but same as addiction its completely fucking insane...

'A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.'

Oscar Wilde

Jesus Christ

Still not seeing that this numbing out of all the pain and shit in my life really doesn't fly? Maybe you're just using it as a very well masked justified excuse to permanently stay high? Well, whatever your poor lame-ass and pathetically patched together excuse may be? You're anyway stll to blantantly ignorant and fucking naive to see...
Cause you know the difference between their rights and wrongs but your rendition is a completely different fucking song. Cause yours involves a little detail called common sense; and that makes the whole situation a lot less tense. Just a pity that implimenting it in your life is so much easier said than done and that constantly being on a buzz from time to time is still fun...
See how quickly i can bullshit myself and change the subject, they shouldve sent me back to the factory with a huge red stamp saying: REJECT. Or? Maybe i shud just pull finger and start doing what im supposed to be doing and stop repeating this process where myself i keep on screwing. Fucked up and lost and that i wont deny, pumping my veins full of shit to try, to get me high, make sure my brains i fry, causing depression yet still i dont have tears to cry, wishing out of this situation i could just fly, wondering when im going to die, before i start boring myself and you i better say goodbye, sad fucking reality: my 'oh my...


'This is the end. Beautiful friend. This is the end. My only friend, the end. It hurts to set you free. But you'll never follow me. The end of laughter and soft lies. The end of nights we tried to die. This is the end'

The Doors - The End

Anger

How do you do this; where the fuck do u start?
i suppose u have to get rid of all the violence in your life and in your heart, much easier said than done, but thrashing someone that deserves it is always fun. With every single shot that you connect, you should actually take a moment just to reflect, on why you are so angry and fucked up in the first place, and then also the thought of being the families big disgrace...
Every family has a member like me, you dont even have to look very closely to see. We stand out like blood stains on a white sheet, when people walk past us they stare and study us from our head to our feel. You can actually feel their eyes burn holes through you while they stare and bystanders without sunglasses could go blind from the glare. Then when you ask them: what the fuck are you looking at they usually reply: i wasnt looking at you, why...
Yet cause im the addict; right am i never, and this fucking label will stick with me forever. That i promise you sucks dick, and getting rid of it is a huge fucking trick. But at the end of the day should i really actually give a fuck, although bigtime it does suck. Well i suppose everyone could just fuckoff and die, but if i say it to their faces then im in the wrong - i wonder why???


'I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did.That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.'

Chris Rock

Rumble

Completely gone is all this motivation that was pumping through my veins in the past: i just have to find a different way or reason to build it up again and to make it last; dont have a fucking clue as to how and from where, maybe about myself, health and life i should start to care. Its quite difficult while you are down in the slums and dragging your feet, every now and then your heart skips a beat...
That should be enough to make a normal person change their way; but no put another bullet in the revolver and another game of roulette ill play. Its really as if something in your head just isnt ticking right, how many more times must i get up with a fight. Yet the only fucking person im fighting with is me; but fuuuck!! A more skilled opponent it couldnt be. Every step and every weakness this little bastard knows and in the attack strategy and timing it really shows...
Sometimes it really feels like myself i have to outwit and outplay. God this bastard is sharp and knows every move and gets nasty if he doesnt get his way and just when i think i have him down on the ground; he gets up fitter and fresher for another round. Its might sound like ive got a split personality but only if youve been addicted the sense in this you will see. Im not gonna give up and already im planning my attack strategy for the next round, and if youve never been in this position: how fucking crazy must this not sound...


'Get away from me, This isn't gonna be easy
but I don't need you believe me. You got a piece of me. But it's just a little piece of me. And I don't need anyone. And these days I feel like I'm fading away'

Counting Crows - Have you seen me lately

Brain fried

Call me stupid, call me a dumd fucking arse, maybe i burnt my brain with all the chemicals or maybe i smoked to much grass? Make a choice cause the facts i wont be able to specify, you shouldnt take my word for it anyway cause most of the time i am high. Actually most isnt even remotely close cause in my system there is always some kind or another dose. Just a simple example to show what i mean; at work on the telly i saw hockey being played by our national team...
Asked one of my co-workers why are they showing a sport on tv thats not very big in RSA? I dont know who was more surpsised when i heard what she had to say: 'cause its the olympic games' was what she said, i nearly killed myself laughing and im talking - dead. Now im thinking maybe its got nothing to do with my brains that some people think has turned to jelly, maybe its cause i just dont bother with watching the fucking telly...
Listen to the radio or reading the newspaper is also not on my attenanary, they are all brainwashed so then what is it with me? Altho i pump chemicals into my veins, except for the little addiction problem there is not much wrong with my brains. I just choose what data goes in, and because of that the strangest assumptions does it bring. But anyway im the one who apparently doesnt have a fucking clue? Fuck me sideways; what is an addict to do???


'He who learns but does not think, is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.'

Confucius

so much shit over a sincere apology

I hope not once you doubted how much i love you, i hope u know that there is nothing ill ever refuse you. Sometimes the truth is more complicated than any lie youll ever find and not often does logic make a woman emotionally blind? It must've been very hectically in your face, the love of your life, the heroin-junkie, the big disgrace. The stigma attached is much stronger the the dreaded 'addict' before your name, but for fuck sakes why does everyone have to use it cause not everyone is the same...
Do you really think im gonna die a statistic, fuck that shit - ill rather suck a huge black dirty dick. The harder i get punched to the ground, the greater does the challenge of getting up sound. No one tells me that im not capable of stopping this shit, they can go and fuck themself with a big elephant dick and that is it. The faster and harder you kick me to the ground, everytime it will be faster and harder - the me getting up sound...
Like a rocket struggling just to get in the air, but once im up and going the people who know me are usually in for a huge fucking scare cause amition and inspiration fucking oozes out of me, and any motherfucker that knows me can this part see. Yet when my mind starts to have its annual wake, then dumd cunt me: a hit ill take. All that effort and hard work straight to the fucking floor, and then shit, debt, hate pain and suffering just gets more...
Youve changed me forever angel

'I'm not a perfect person, There's many things I wish I didn't do. But I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go: That I just want you to know - I've found a reason for me, To change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is you'

Hoobastank - The Reason

Soooo?

Wake, bake then the days first mistake,
blissed, no pissed cause the fucking vein you missed! Confused, and not at all fucking amused hey fuck atleast yo used. Junkie mentality, let it be? Open your eyes and for once the truth you will see. Rock then roll and afterwards to the devil you sell your soul. Chase, base and when its done of tour cash there is no fucking trace. Come clean, how long has it been since your true self you have seen. Well, burn in hell, i suppose only time will tell...

'Lose not yourself in a far off time, seize the moment that is thine.'

Friedrich Schiller

Very deep, huge creep, lack of sleep

I am stoned and a negative creep, scars in me life dug very deep, sitting and nodding on my way to my work every day, fortunately a little bit of the buzz will stay: untill about half of my shift has passed, then prayer, medication and perseverance will help me last. So much shit, so much frustation, i really wish i could say it was an over-exaggeration. This heap of shit the smack caused here, i wonder what it would take to sort out this shit complete and clear. Wake up anxious as can be, then only with heroin inflicted tunnel vision you can see. Your bodys not sore but your mind is racing, this is a huge fucking dilemma i am facing. All i want to do is blow out my fucking brain but to the one person that cares about me this will cause alot of pain. I mean hes seen our mom and dad both die, i cant be the reason for him again to cry. The rest of everyone can all go and fuck themselves hard, there is so much more they can do but thats a start. All the fuckers that pretend to be concerned, love and care; go to fucking hell, do us all a favor and stay there....


'An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.'

Mahatma Gandhi

Here we go again...and again, and again, and again and...

Do you see a fucking pattern emerging, can you see that absolutely no happiness it can and will bring. How fucking hard can it be to stick to a single choice you make? How much more punch can this body of yours take. Yet you constantly you fuck it up and fuck around, dont even let anyone convince you that like fun this does sound. I stroll through hell is what you are taking, a fuckup of your life is what you are making. Picking yourself up and then falling fucking hard: then you are stuck again right at the start...
So how are you gonna get out of the spiral this time? How are you gonna pick up everything and make it all fine? Why the fuck do you think you are soo bloody clever? Dont you understand the meaning of not again ever?


'An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.'

Buddha

Moving forward

Its about letting go of these defuncked and broken pieces that you've adopted along the way that no longer work for you, its about taking the lessons youve learnt on the path you took and having a complete understanding towards them is what you need to do, its about resetting your mind and having a complete makeover of your reality, its about creating a balance in your life so for once you can just be, its about releasing all the negative energy that youve built up in your life, its about getting rid of all this self-inficted fucked up shit that in your world is so rife...
But how do you get rid of all this fucking crap? but how do you let go and take what is yours back? How do you gather the pieces of a life that blew up, shattered and splintered and then paste it back together? How in the name of god do you make sure it sticks forever? How do you balance on this tightrope without once again falling? How the fuck do you make sure you dont end up back in a hole where the only way out is crawling???
To move forward so much strenght and energy does it take, to fuck out again completely only one wrong choice you have to make. Everything you picked up can be dropped and shattered with one single slip, before you realise youre sitting on the loo and from your arms the blood does once again drip. So simple to stay on the path narrow and straight, yet when the thought of using wins you cant fucking wait; to take a gamble with all the strenght you have built over what feels like years and then another explosion, a relapse and a manifestation of all your fears...
Once again, you are adrift...


'Thanks for your time and you can thank me for mine, and after thats said, forget it.'

Rodriguez - Thanks for your time

Dong-dong-motherfuckers-ding-dong!!

Every-fucking-thing that i write always sounds the same, maybe its cause of the way all the chemicals burnt my brain. Or maybe i should work in my vocabulary, then a slight difference ill start to see. Cant blame the drugs for everything that goes wrong, youll only start to see what i mean if youve been using just as long. I could blame it cause its quite a convenient escape hatch, but then to me there would even be a bigger stigma from which i need to detach...
Already billed and labelled as a junkie of note, all the negative shit thats been said i cant even quote. Not cause im embaressed or cause its not true but cause there is really too much to remember mind you. You actually get used to it after a while, you dont even get pissed off anymore you rather react with a smile. True as hell some of the things about myself that i hear, when some people see me no wonder they react with fear...
Holding their phones and their wallets they hold onto so tight, not all addicts steal you cunts; get your facts right. I suppose all this shit comes with the territory - just remember theres an exception to every rule and to this rule its me. Try to explain it to all the narrow-minded cunts out there, especially the hippocrates that pretend to care. To your face their all nice and a smile plastered on their face - not even two steps away and theyll tell everyone 'god that junkies such a disgrace'. But what the fuck can i do about it?...Well?...to all you two faced fuckers: eat shit!!!


'Take your time, think alot. Why think of everything youve got. For you may still be here tomorrow but your dreams may not.'

Cat Stevens - Father and Son

subutex for breakfast, suboxone for supper and heroin for a snack

Sometimes its so fucking hard to stay true too who you really are, its like looking at a distant galaxy or star. Wishing that you could get back to where it all began, instead of saying yes i maybe I shudve ran? As fast as my short and stubby legs wud carry me and this big fucking cloud of dust is all u would see. Running to get away from all your shit, sounds good but no real sollution is it. Its just so fucking hard to face this shit on a daily basis, like being lost in the dessert and looking for an oasis, lips chapped and dry, so fucking over it your about to cry, you look up and what do you see, fuck me sideways - could it be. Running towards what you see as your saviour, so glad all this shit you did persevere. Do a backflip to land in the water, just to get over this fucking torture. Ending up with a mouth full of sand and you are even more dry, for fuck sakes its so easy to relapse - but why?


'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'

Billy Wilder

Google

So hard do you beg for strenght and for mercy, cause all i want is to kick this fucking habit and go back to being just me. No chasing the clock for your next score, cause all that brings in anyway is just this huge want for more. Cant go on living your life just running after a your next fucking hit, and all it causes is hate, anger, frustration and alotta other unneccasary shit. You know every single complication and yet you cant get yourself to stop? You are literally turning your everything into an even bigger flop...
So fucking confusing is this dilemma you are facing, the complications and cravings are even worse than basing. One fucking hit and all your hard work goes down the drain, and your life returns to misery and pain. How the fuck does this shit in any way make sense, the only thing im sure of is that it leaves you so fucking tense. You know what happens if this one single bad choice you make yet unconciously you make a choice your sober streak to break...
I know that other people think you are fucked up, stupid and wasted, to go back to all this pain and misery youve tasted. Yet when then somthing inside you gets a hold of your personality, and this motherfucker just cant let you be. No it has to give you a push right back into the abyss - and of all your hard work it has to take thw piss. I wonder if there is a 'right way' to get it right to quit? And if there is god dammit when will i find it???


'As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.'

Mel Brooks

AaAaAaAlriIiItythen

You dont get a bigger fucking waste of time than shooting smack, from taking a hit and being out to just wanting more just like my old friend: crack. Whether you only took your first hit or youre fucked up and on the floor, the only fucking thing on you mind is more, more and more. I think enough is when you are in your grave but till then still youll be this bitches' slave. Riding you harder and harder from morning to night and doesnt matter what you do it doesnt feel like youll ever win this fight..
Getting up round after fucking round, stupid and fucked up as it might sound. Maybe you should just stay down an lay still for a while, pretend to be dead and swallow your smile. Maybe thats when the reaper will leave you alone, pretend to be dead while you are in a zone. Maybe than hell go and bother someone else for a change thus giving you time your strategy to rearrange. Try and bullshit yourself out of this one, god dammit that sound like alotta fun. Not in the mood to fight this fight, not in the mood to do things right. So you con yourself out of this fucking hole, only a fucking addict would have such a fucking goal...


'Finding some quiet time in your life, I think, is hugely important.'

Mariel Hemingway

Control zero

Self-control has left the buulding and im completely lost, sweats at night yet it feels like my core is covered in frost, the more gear i pump into my veins, the more i get of these fucking pains. I know its common sense for any junkie, so dont think im a stupid cunt or a retarded monkey. Just not in the mood for typing any more, brain is bruised, battered and fucking sore. Yet im sitting typing away, waiting for what...? A better day...
Those dont just come as gifts and presents on your birthday, you earn it by wishing your fucking life away. After so much praying and so many years, the come after youve spilled millions of tears. Sobriety doesnt just come in a day but in one second you can make it go away. It all depends on the choices you make and how tough you are, its got fuckall to do with wishing on a star...
So much hard work and effort does it take, so many promises you have to break. To yourself and to all those around - i know cruel it does sound, but its this huge fucking learning process, and losing everyone you love really does depress. Yet its a road you have to walk, and its tarred with all the bullshit that you talk. But its something you have to do, to turn into who you have to be its a process you have to go through...


'Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.'

Ralph Waldo Emerson

And yet another fuck that

Pain, anger, frustation and feelings of being lost in different ways and im talking plenty, caused by living in a world with stupid fucking people and im talking with heads completely empty. Common sense is really not that fucking common anymore, wish i could kick them down and with their heads mop the fucking floor. I suppose thats why heroin suits me so fucking well, all the anger and frustration i can express and really very well. So fucking tired of everyone and all this petty shit, thats the bottom line - yes thats about it...
So why are everyone so fucking naive and uppity ass? Why not just chill out, enjoy life and have a fucking blast? So much shit over absolutely nothing at all, make a mountain out of a moleheap so minute and small? Maybe everyone should just be addicted one time before they die, then theyd realise its unnecassary shit over which they cry. Maybe im just too relaxed and chilled, and seeking attention doesnt get me thrilled...
So within who does the faults manifest, dont look at me cause im so much better than the rest. If you can put the junk addiction aside, and your mistakes you should not hide. Human we all are and in so many ways the same, and iis bad if a heroin addict puts you to shame. Where the fuck does your self-esteem lay if all this petty shit makes you cry. I think attention is what you are looking for - ive given you enough and from me youre not getting any more...

'Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one.'

John Lennon - Imagine

Formula 1

Chasing wind, running wild, what ever happened to that sweet and innocent child?
Oh yes, life happend and fucked him over, no more red rover, red rover. Fear, hate, destruction and anarchy, yip thats what happened to me. Innocence lost but never found, maybe with a stroke of luck this time round???
Cant even say that i had dreams that were shattered, not that it actually ever fucking matterd. Just a balance and normality is what i strive for, i mean why do you want more? Only reason i can imagine is so that you think you are better than the rest, good-fucking-luck and i wish you all the best. What is important to you in your eyes, and then you wake up and you get a huge fucking surprise...
Chasing status, eternal youth and all that un-important shit, everyone gets old and fucked and thats about it. The shit your after takes you further away from the real you, im a druggie and my opinion doesnt count so what can i do? Every step you take to 'improve' the person inside, actually removes you and gives you more layers of shit in which to hide. See how far you can lose the true you, and then see how hard yourself you can screw...
Im not looking for a fucking cure, all i want to do is get rid of all these fucked up scenarios, return to myself and be pure...


'A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.'

Henry Ward Beecher

Truth or dare

To always be the ass is what im used to, so what the fuck else can i do? Writing mindless poems all day long, pretending to be so fucking strong. People just work on your nerves all fucking day, i wish the cocksuckers would just go away, but that lucky i wont be, it would be easier for them the truth to see. So fucking ridiculous in their ways, serving themselves heaps of shit on silver trays. Made me realise i dont a fuck belong, so maybe the should realise their ways are wrong...
Hell will freeze over before that does materialize, god how much more will these people despise, who i am and what i stand for, god their mentality is below the floor. Well fuck em all i would say, let me have another miserable day, yet in still happier than what theyll ever be, god i wish they would take off their blindfolds and just look and see. Well what the fuck is there left to say or do, if you dont like or agree with me: well then FUCK YOU!!!

'All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.'

T. E. Lawrence

Valium oh valium or is that pax?

Getting 100% clean and sober is a bit harsh to do in one go but there is no use in taking it slow - otherwise its so fucking easy to fall back, slip straight back into that deep crack. Or is it a spiral spinning wild and out of control, devouring you chunk by chunk untill it eats away at your soul. Body is going one way and that is down, funny cramps everywhere but still you go on like a clown. Moving away from the needle is already such a bitch thing to do, yet that one teeny tiny step back to it is the hardest yourself you can screw. You can feel your lungs burning while you chase and in the back of you head the thought is spinning 'what a waste'. Longing to shoot up just one more time, trying to bullshit yourself things will be fine? How fucking stupid can you be, youve walked that road and the outcome you did see, not good in any way and at all, clucking your ass of and for those who dont know thats withdrawel. Fuck i need to get out of this hole, for years and years being clean has been my goal. Yet im bullshitting myself every day, trying to cockblock myself in every possible way. Dumb fucking ass, no tablets - no grass. People who has never had this problem will never be able to understand, how much shit this bad habit of you demand. Most days all you wanna do is blow out your brain cause this fucking habit drives you insane. Death is too easy, take my word for it and trust me. I have to get over this shit and move on, forget about this shit and make everything right that is wrong. Easier said than done, fucking difficult and no fun. Yet its something i have to do, take it on head first and stick it through. But how???


'By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest'

Confucius

Fuckt

Falling deeper and deeper, feels like opiates are my keeper, closer and then futher away from myself a catch22 and that any blind man can see, really dont have a fucking clue as what i want to be. Life empty and hollow, all that was good addiction did swallow. How will i ever pick up the splinters of me, how the fuck will i ever just be? Cant tell the difference between hunger and craving, so fucking low down for the first time in my life im not even shaving. Always taking care of this hollow shell, if i dont people will be able to tell, that ive got this demon inside of me and that i dont want anyone to see...
Yet its getting difficult to supress the side part inside, dont even know why im trying to hide, who the fuck am i tring to impress, not one fucking personn could care less. If i could just figure out what the fuck i want of life and what life wants of me, maybe then the light i will see. But untill then if i didnt love myself so much suicide would be ontop of the list, fuck life, fuck love, fuck heroin and im talking with a fist...
No lube, no reacharound, cruel and cold as it may sound. So much pain caused by those three, yet the final choice to be happy is up to me, so what the fuck should i do, how the hell all this shit do i unscrew. Untill then just falling and falling, i must make a choice out of this hole to start crawling. But how the FUCK, I NEED MORE THAN LUCK...

Fuck life, fuck people, fuck everyone

Sick and fucking tired, over being wired, fedup of being admired, on a buzz, life is a daze and a fuzz, being clean and sereen is harder than what addiction has ever been, dont get me misquote me, its quite nice to be free, but life snags you around every turn, make sure you fucking burn...
All you want to do is run back, get some smack; open and attack, but think about how much in your life its taken, shattered and shaken. Raped, hurt and broken, your bleeding stomach is the token...
Intestines are fucked, yet you still see it as luck, so much has gone, started losing yourself from day one. A moment of realisation is worth a thousand prayers, sad but true: no one cares. No one actually gives a fuck so if you wanna depend on people YOU ARE OUT OF LUCK...

'I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you'

'Linkin Park - Numb

Deeper and darker

Meds to get you high, meds so it doesnt feel like you die, meds so that you dont break down and cry, meds so your fucking head doesnt lie - what the fuck...
Meds to take away the detox, meds to take away system shock, meds so you dont want dreadlocks, meds to take away all the blocks - what the fuck...
So much tablets to take, so much strenght to fake, so many bad habits to break, i mean for fuck sakes - and you think you have issues...

'try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side'

The doors - Break on through

Imagine

Saw a homeless person yesterday,
looked familiar in some sort of way,
curiosity made he go to him,
what did my curiosity bring?
One of my friends from way back years,
living out one of my greatest fears...
Made me realised how lucky i am to stil be stable, willing and able?
Life didnt deal me hand that raw,
maybe its just the way i saw,
life to embrace,
all my problems to face...
Need to get rid of this depression,
get an purer and clearer intention.
Stop meddling in the past,
that shit aint gonna last.
God, its a cunt thing to be clean,
yet how fucking lucky ive been...

'life is what happens when youre making other choices'

John Lennon

Suffering 101

Suffering 101, similiar to the addiction process: fuckall fun. It completely sucks dick! Cant get out - you must be exremely thick? Losing time cause you cant stop meddling in your own shit, all you need to do is let go and that is about it. Yet its so much easier said than done, you cant let go of the root cause why everything in your life is so fucking wrong...
From morning to night. There is fuckall in your life that is right. So much drama on a miliion levels plus one, and away from all this shit you cant even run. Impossible to run away from yourself and about it there is nothing you can do? Cause at the end of the day of everyone yourself hardest you did screw. Over and over hard and repeatedly; you knew excactly where it was gonna end up but you were to fucking clever to see...
Only when you were halfway down the fucking abyss, spending hours in the bathroom just to take a piss. No sleep, just nodding and dreaming every night; realising you havnt taken a dump for a month kinda gave me a fright. So caught up in this making a mission and chasing a fucking fix all day long, you dont even realise your life fell apart and long ago everything already went wrong...
Preoccupied with shit and thats about it...


'Even in the presence of others he was completely alone.'

Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance

Light to dark

How the fuck is it possible to forget about something if you constantly have to remind yourself that you have to forget about it, you really have to find some fucking way to subconciously detach yourself from all this fear and shit? Talk about facing you fears while forgetting about them, dreading the moment they jump up and bite you under the arse again. You really have to rearrange not just your life but your whole mentality and mindset, about this fucking thing thats riding and raping you totally you must forget. Trying to project your thoughts to another place, trying your best to fall casually from grace? I suppose it makes no sense to you, now imagine how i feel and thats what i must try and do. Trying your best to get away from your rapist as far as you can, yet im the raspist; god its getting more and more confusing man? How the fuck do i run away from myself and me? Im my own worst fucking enemy at this moment as you can see. Extremely complicated or am i just complicating it for myself like ive been doing all along? Making everything that has always been right so hectically wrong. Trying to make sense of anything and everything i can, maybe i should start moving forward with some sort of plan? Maybe i should just start moving all this childish shit and people out of my life and move the rest away, maybe then i will start looking forward to my next day...

'How am i gonna keep myself, How am i gonna keep myself away from me?'

Counting Crows - Perfect blue buildings

Tring tring

Body is aching and sore, always longing for more, just one touch one hit, last one i promise then it is it. Lying to yourself over and over on a daily basis, in your life there are always these traces: of the addiction thats living inside you, fucking powerless you feel so nothing you can do. How many lies will there be told, how much of other peoples fictional shit have you sold. Everyone always meddling in your lifes story, what the fuck do you want: a bitch slap or some glory? Not one of those youll find here, do you reall think your bullshit i fear? All you motherfuckers can talk shit about me, if i dont die soon - one day youll see! Funny and ironic as it may sound, maybe ill get another turn this time round. I must just learn to stick it out, then start seeing what im really about. I know i can, altho its such a bitch...man...

'Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first'

Mark Twain

Nod, nod and away

I dont think you ever quit, you just get sooo fucking over it, organs aching and stomachs bleeding - so over this fucking demon you are feeding. Sick and fucking tired of not having any tears to cry, embacing death yet shit scared to die. Every single fucking hit is the last, every single day running out fast...
When youre clean a day feels like a year, when youre fucked life runs out too fast and thats another fear. When your on a buzz youre always meddling in regret, when your sober all you want to do is forget. So fucking boring is life if you dont use, when youre fucked you can atleast convince yourself youre not confused. So many things youve lost along the way, so many regrets about it you have today...
Why care about the milk you threw on the floor, why do it over and again and once more? Sick in your head is what you are - yet in your onw fucking eyes youre a superstar. Dumb fucking cunt thats what you are, throwing salt on to bury this scar. Mind is not where it used to be, dont judge yet; wait till tomorrow and see. Yes! Tomorrow once again is day fucking one, fuck yeah! Another week of fun...

'im all out of love, im so lost without you. I know you were right believing for so long. Im all out of love, what am i without you'

Air supply - Im all out of love

Blog, blogger, bloggiest...

I can feel that this path of mine is soooo FUCKING close to its end, i can taste it, touch it and see it, i know its mine for the taking and then all the pieces i picked up i can start to put together and mend. Picking up scattered remains as i go along, try my best to fix all the rights i made wrong. A fucking mission and a half that will be for me to start doing; cause unlike a lightbulb its not just getting a new one and replacing it by unscrewing. If i have to make a list of everything and everyone i fucked over, srewed and all the trust and good faith i turned to waste, i mean its not just material things for which you can just buy new ones and replace...
The stuff im talking about - in all the situations and parties caused a huge and deep fucking scar, circles most of these people will walk around you if they see you in time coming in the distance from afar. Closer proximity youll notice how uncomfortable they are when youre standing face to face, before you say hello they already deny that they have cash and then the constant feeling if their cellphone and wallets are still in place? And if they cant avoid you they try to cut the conversation short while youre still busy saying 'hello', usually somewhere urgent they have to be, theyre already late so they really have to go...
Well then run you cunt before the road gets covered in thorns maybe even some barbed-wire, maybe even out of fucking nowhere a mine-field or a burning tyre. Doesnt matter where you are, where youve been and this fucked up yet strenght and character building road you walked; behind your back so many bullshit stories, lies and halve, rotten truths has been talked. Itll really take fucklloads of perserverance, strenght and loads of energy and hard work to drag your beaten, bruised and broken body cross the finish line BUT when you have finished the road set out for you and passed the tests you will start moving forward and everything will turn out for the best and for once everything is there for the taking: yes all mine...

'Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.'

Lao Tzu

Heaven

Same as addiction true love is impossible to explain, being so close to the one you love but not being able to touch really drives you completely, totally and utterly in-fucking-sane. Probably the two opposite and worst things in this universe to compare? If youve only experienced one of them in total disbelief at this youll probably stare. But look at the fact that ls behind what i have to say and then you can decide whether theres truth or if my mind went on a permanent holiday...
Both start with a feeling that sort-off feels like you got hit by a lightningbolt, both feelings get you off your ass and on your feet in a huge fucking jolt. Perfection, beauty, understanding, bliss, walking on clouds and it really feels like you belong, uplifts you in ways you never knew possible from the inside youve got reason to move forward, living life on a level amazingly godly and strong. From all different angles you never knew exsisted you feel empowered and complete, in your heart you have reassurance there is not one single feeling that can even begin to start to compete...
What goes up must come down and the higher up it went the harder and faster youre gonna hit the floor. Yet sadly, strange enough and ironically youll find yourself begging for one last chance and always a wee bit more. You know presicely where this road and these choices will take you; but 'fuck me sideways!' clever little cunt you are what the fuck do you do? Conveniently forget about all the hardship and pain that was part of the jigsaw-puzzle that was your life, moving to the back of your head and pretending that this hectically abusive relationship with bad things wernt rife. Now even i dont know whether im talking about love or addiction here? All i know they can both be fucking disasterous if you dont tread lightly and as a balance bar use your fear...


'what brings me down now is love cause I can never get enough. And what brings me down now is love cause I can never get enough of love.
And it's a dangerous time, for a heart on a wire. Shuttle from station to station, noisily not knowing why. So I put my head on the ground
and the sky is a wheel. Spinning these days into things that I've lost but you can keep all the years. But I don't mind the days, gone rolling away cause all this sunlight feels warm on my face and i can never ever get enough of love'

Counting Crows - Goodnight L.A.

The Muppet show

Scraping the fucken barrel deep to find me, if i can just open my fucking eyes ill see, understanding why, yet making a choice to cry. Being what im not, this arrogant little snot. Crazy as hell yet only time will tell, understanding myself and me, opening my eyes to see...
Finding my way yet have no reason to lose it, why do i have to be such an arrogant little shit. Knowing i can and knowing i should, yet not knowing that i could?? Two steps forward, six in reverse, god this fuckedupness is not the first. Love you with all my heart, just dont know where to start???
Allow me to be there for you, allow me to do all the things for you i wanna do. Ill carry you for the rest of your life every day, ill help you get up in a million fold and one way, why dont you want me to be there for you as you were for me, all will work out fine - just you wait and see...

'When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today'

Guns n Roses - November Rain

Acne

Thai white, putting up a fight, coming clean; how many times has it been, living for today, wishing it away? Loving forever, bringing us together. Fighting it away, why the fuck does it stay???
Life so wrong, all day long. The nights arent better, mouths not wetter. Staying in the desert all day long, wishing weak and staying strong. Stealing dignty, not possible and not me. Amused all day long, every turn you make so totally wrong...
Far of the track, wanting all the good back. Yourself you annoy yet even more you destroy. Energy dead, finding yourself instead. Realising where you are, reality is away fucking far. Getting back on your way, need to start today. When and where? Dont know but start to care...

'Invasion of our piracy
Afterbirth of a nation
Starve without your skeleton key
I love you for what I am not
I did not want what I have got
A blanket acne'ed with cigarette burns
Speak at once while taking turns
What is what i need
What is wrong with me
What is what i need
i'm nothing to do with what you think
If you ever think at all
Bi-polar opposites attract
All of a sudden my water broke
I love you for what I am not'

Nirvana - Radio friendly shifter unit

The Bible, The Qur'an, THE Addiction ???

Somewhere in the NA book 'one is too many and a thousand will never be enough' gets said. Thats one fucking fact that over and over to an addict needs to be spoonfed! From a negative thought becoming a slip and it causes a huge fucking wobble - into a tidalwave, in for the ride of your life that causes so much unnessacary pain and trouble. Really robbing, stealing and taking away so many different aspects and pieces of you along the way, im not joking cause this motherfucker of a thing doesnt take fucking up your life lightly and really doesnt play...
Cause there is one ginormous and fucking sad reality; this wave of terror gets power from your cunting junkie-mentality. You are so fucking used to the way its always been, within two days you are straight back into your old and fucked up routine. All the hard work you put in, all the effort was just plainly fucking wasted, the second you made that bad choice to tempt fate by running back to the most vile and disgusting love and honey youve ever tasted...
Well atleast im still putting all my fucking energy into leaving this shit behind, trust me towards me so far the universe has been sorta kind? Literally had to lose everyone i loved and everything thats important to me, just so that my eyes can open and that how fucked i am i could see. Unintentionally breaking trust and hearts as i move forward on a river of tears, no eye contact just in the wind you hear the whispers thats manifesting all your fears. I really need to make a descent fucking plan and stick to it and the forget about and stop bothering myself with other peoples' opinions CAUSE ITS JUST HEAPS AND HEAPS OF SHIT...


'I'll start this off without any words
I got so high that I scratched 'til I bled
I love myself better than you
I know it's wrong so what should I do?
The finest day that I've ever had
Was when I learned to cry on command
I love myself better than you
I know it's wrong so what should I do?
I'm on a plain
I can't complain'

Nirvana - On a plain

Gawd these subjects!

So far fucking lost, dazed and confused: with myself pissed off, annoyed and not at all amused. Sick and tired of trying to be the best person i can be, really fucking over the fact that people are too blind to see. Only this horrible fucking stigma attached to you is with what you are stuck, and to get rid of this cunt thing...OH MY FUCK! Excactly the same way as your needle obsession does that fuckier stick, if you havnt been there dont argue, just assume or judge cause it sucks dick...
I assume its sort of like being demonically posessed, and this fucking thing really puts you to the test. The moment you relax and pause on the mission of being captain fucking recovery, even if just for a second it sees the gap immediately. Once your the wheels in your head start turning, the money in your fucking pockets start burning. Barely inside yourself is what you are and your strenght and opinion you can hear their shouts being carried by the wind faintly and far...
Prisoner in your own fucking body cause it literally feels like your opinion doesnt count! This motherfucker pulling your stings has taken control again for another round. I promise you that it literally feels like youre doing it against your will, something else controlling you and you get the damage bill. Once again im standing at that point where my whole fucking life depends on the day of tomorrow and all i want to do is numb and block out all the fucking sorrow and pain; and hopefully in the process not again lose my mind, go bonkers or apeshit and completely insane...


'singing dont worry, bout a thing cause every litlle things gonna be alright'

Bob Marley - Three little birds

Motherfucker

Struggling my fat fucking cunt off to get the lid back on this can of worms also known as my life, around every fucking corner and turn this fucking head of mine starts fucking aroung. There is literally two sides to me, the one knows he can do it; fuck me sideways hes actually so convinced there is something better out there and then there is the other fucker and fuck me sideways he is a scaly and manipulative cunt. Master of manipulation, i really dont even stand a chance, need to get a fucking grip and hold on tightly cause this is gonna b one bumpy fucking ride...

Welcome

This addiction is such a cunt thing to have and with to live, so much of yourself you lose and sometimes involantarily give, one day motivated, moving forward and fucking strong and the next day in one desicion you make everythings fucked up and wrong. The frustration and dissapointment is such a killjoy, experiencing wall punching, someone headbutting anger cause once again with your life you did toy. Why the fuck would you gamble with all this strenght and goodwill thats being lifting you up, all this good energy for no reason you once again did corrupt...
Something you have to experience is what its like when an addicts head rolls into that one specific track, no logic or reason, rain or shine, even distruction and pain will make you turn back, its as is you are caught prisoner in this vessel thats on its way to go and score, just a visitor, a passenger and literally fuckall else more. The part that's 'you' that is caught up in this unfortunate event, is screaming no, stop, get out turn around even out of sheer fucking desperation...repent!!!
For one moment it might have been enjoyed too much but on getting pissed off and fucking annoyed at myself i quickly let go of the clutch. Rammed my ass straight into cursing myself and literally forcing my to be pissed off about the sweet honey i tasted, repeating and nurturing the anger and regret even about the money wasted. Now the fucking problem comes with what tomorrows choices will bring, at the end of the day what type of song will i sing. Fuck me sideways i might have put myself in a catch 22? Now the question is...about this, what the fuck am i gonna do???


'People are strange when you're a stranger. Faces look ugly when you're alone. Women seem wicked when you're unwanted. Streets are uneven when you're down. When you're strange. Faces come out of the rain. When you're strange.No one remembers your name.When you're strange.'

The Doors - People are Strange

Chocolate

BOREDOM, drilling into your fucking head, completly lost to the reality of the rest, a fucking ride on a rollercoaster wont be able to get me out of this feeling of death and mudane, mindnumbing reality that makes fuckall sense at all...yet i promise if i make that fucked up choice of using the thought of a spick will give me such a fucking lightning bolt up my ass, a extra blast of energy from nowhere, a new zest for your fucking life. It really makes you feel like there is something to live for when youre using and what if the only thing youve ever lived for; the love of your life, the cancer to your soul, your one your only smack but to be honest ive already had more than just one master, god and mistress in my life. I took to worshipping chemicals like it was religious. Made the choice-im a downer person, what goes up must come down but what is down just has to recover or even just sleep it off. Altho not all my poisonous relationships were with downers the ones i had with uppers went under the philosophy in you take enough uppers you feel like youve hit downers, otherwise cross addicted, rollercoaster, yo-yo, smoke buttons and rocks, shoot H then coke, speed and H, speed and valuim, acid and buttons god i really fucked myself up so badly in all ways shapes and forms- literally 18 years of total chaos yet utter bliss, cofusion and reality checks, losing parts of myself and picking up stronger and better pieces along the way, fragile aswell as on fire on the inside, the passion burning inside your soul, your chemical romance or poisonous lover. The one that kills and destroys everything thats good and pure. The things you love with all your being yet you have to have the most fucking hectic breakup of your life with them, so fucking hard to get over cause foor so long in your fucking life have you been missioning, upping and downing, manipulating, making plans, scoring and buzzing, living for every second of the plan and the score...No fucking wonder im this fucking bored...


'The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don't dwell on what
has passed away or what is yet to be.'

Leonard Cohen - Anthem

Nirvana

Completely tarty, fucking crazy, stoned as hell fucking lazy, kindeys beating and liver in pain, altho the deepest fucking issue is deep inside my brain. Lost and lonely, missing so much, yet things turn to gold that i touch? Theproblem is getting up and doing it, think a bit use some wit. Digging deep for talents lost and forgotten, fixing everything that went rotten. So much more that i understand, yet i dont fucking know what the fuck im on about, maybe stoner talk, maybe pearls of wisdom even heaps of shit if you want to call it that, i really couldnt actually give a fuck what anyones thinking. Its that fucking mentality that got me here in the first fucking place, always the coolest, always the fucking man, two and one more, two and one, two and one. Fucked up beyond comprehension yet willing to fix it, everything...but ive also realized that some things just cant be fixed so what else can i say...all apologies???


'If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.'

Kurt Cobain