Retirement

I still cant believe how just a while ago to the truth i was still soo fucking blind? Every day really hating my life and wondering when the fuck myself i would find? Caught in a negativity and hate drenched-downward-spiral-slash-whirlpool; always just focussing on how badly i hated myself and my life while calling myself everything from a stupid motherfucking cunt right through to a dumb fucking fool. Every fucking second of every day and every fucking part of myself and my life i did truly despise with a passion and with all my glory! But cause i was constantly blinded by this hate and anger i never realised that i was the one that created that life; harsh reality yet a true story...
After 18years of full blown fucking addiction, arrested a couple of times fortunately not one conviction. Mandrax, grass, alcohol, schnarf, party-drugs, meth and crack; then for the last 10years i was so far lost in the arms of my big love: smack. Upping, downing, smoking, shooting and chasing, constantly mixing or one love with the other replacing. From expensive 5star relapse-centres to goverment rehabs-slash-holes, groups, social workers, psyciatrists and here and there a shrink, all these people and places have one thing in common: they tell you what to think...
Constantly telling you how far gone, lost, fucked up and addicted you are, and its that way of thinking and reasoning that always re-opens and festers the fucking scar. The whole message they send to you is based and built on negativity. And its due to all that unnessacary shit the truth you cannot see. In this dark cloud you are always walking and this 'thing' inside you forever will you fear and about it you are constantly reminded, and due to all these negative thoughts thats constantly implanted from the truth you are blinded. Your thoughts, feelings and fears literally create your whole reality: Once you realize and understand that then out of this prison you placed your mind in you can finally break free. Take back a life that has been yours all along, your not powerless to your addiction - thats what they want you to think but that whole fucking message is just so wrong!!!

The subject of this post is retirement cause thats what it is, if i post here again its probably gonna be 1 of the nearly 200 unedited posts that is saved under my drafts or on my laptop although ive looked at a couple of them and except for struggling to relate to them they knot my stomach and that negative thinking...i dont need now. Even just writing the 2nd half of this post wasnt cool but im busy constructing a new blog...
Thefundamentalparadox.blogspot.com
...cause if you can change the way you feel about yourself, your life and your world...ANYTHING is possible.


'This is the end, my only friend the end' (Actually its a brand new beginning)

The Doors - The End

A word 2 the wise or not so wise??

Look at yourself and your life/world around you and you will see what you think about yourself at the very core of your being
peace and love
neil

Fuck addiction

Addiction is probably the biggest catch22 in this life, except for the obvious problems - shit is always rife! Have you ever sat down and wondered why, and if you did how many tears did you waste, did you cry? In the way psyclogy and psyciatry braiwashes our everything, then youll realise why so much misery it does bring. Dont see this as all of a sudden im in this purple cloud or captain fucking recovery, i just handed the problem over to my higher self or my real me...
'Hi, my name is neil and im an addict', that thought stays planted and it sucks dick. 'Youll be a fucking addict untill you die', have you ever thought about the sense in that and the why? NEVER EVER forget that your an addict and that youll always be! It doesnt take a fucking rocket scientist the reality behind that to see. Due to all those statements you ARE always meddling in your addiction and all your shit, plain and simple and that is it...
Positive or negative the universe delivers what you ask for, plain and simple; nothing less and nothing more. Energy, vibration and basically a walking electro-magnet is what you are, with all that 12 step brainwash and bullshit youre creating and vestering in your own scar. When you prep hectically, set a date and fear going cold turkey, you cramp, you shit, you cry, no sleep and out of years of experience i can finally see...
The law of attraction is plain, simple and basic, cause of all that bullshit you make it so bad it really sucks dick. I know its not easy not to focus on all that shit in any way BUT if you can change your mind about it: taste and feel the joys of breaking the habit then half the battles won and it turns into childs play. Just remember that your hates and fears shape your life and thats a fact and lifes biggest reality, dont focus on the negative, the hole youre in, the sick and then youll see...
Fearing the bad and worrying about falling back aka the dreaded fucking word: RELAPSE, thats the simple fucking reason why you get so tense and cant relax. Think what you want but in total ive been addicted to chemicals for 18 long and miserable fucking years, and never ever coming and staying clean has always bean one of my dreaded and greatest fears. Since ive started focussing, feeling and living the joys of being clean, this time round has been the easiest its ever been...

'Mr Rabbit says: a moment of realisation is worth a thousand prayers'

Natural born killers

XxXxXxXxX

I swear veins dont just collapse but also hide, a while back i stared at them with a certain sense of joy, maybe even pride. Really didnt even have to look to find which one to abuse? I couldnt make up my mind as to which one to choose. Can still remember thinking to myself 'oh my god! My babies are back!', and that just after a while of cutting them some slack. And just a short while later back into hiding they went, wherever there was a vein - now theres a dent???
From shooting back to chasing for the sake of my veins, cause poking hundreds of holes while searching just causes aches and pains. Blood running down your arms and dripping on the floor, between the cigarette burns or the blood stains on my clothes i dont know which is more? All i know is my chest is burnt fucked from laying down with a smoke while nodding and my arms are fucked from looking for a vein, poking and prodding...
THE END.

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask. There can't be any large-scale revolution until there's a personal revolution, on an individual level. It's got to happen inside first."

Jim Morrison

Confused equals...

Its just fucking negative shit this fucking addiction causes in your life every day, constantly wishing yourself and your life away. All i want to do is get over this shit, nothing major - just sobriety and thats it. Its not too much to ask not alot to want, why am i constantly making these bad choices like a stupid fucking cunt? Meddling in this shit and i dont know why, so numbed out i dont even have any tears left to cry...
All you are stuck with is anger, hate, frustration and craving, so eagerly at the beginning yourself you were enslaving, yet back then you saw it as naughty and a twisted sense of fun yet it wouldve been so much easier just to stay away maybe even run. But NOOOO! A clever fucking ass Ive always been, with my personality the outcome i shouldve seen. Now im stuck here in this deep dark fucking hole, nothing left but a broken dream and what feels like an impossible goal...
Just to say no and to stay the fuck away from using, looking at my arms full of holes and purple from all the bruising. A big sigh is the only way this emotion to explain, all this hurt caused by trying to numb out the pain. I dont even think there is sense in anything im writing, so fucking sick and tired of this constant inner fighting. Stupid arrogant fucking prick, idiotic motherfucker clever dick...


"You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."

Toni Morrison - Song of Solomon

Entertainment

On the one side im praying for a huge fucking miracle and on the other side im getting fucked over majorly by my corrupt not-so-free-anymore-will? If you think it sounds confusing to you? Your not alone cause the same goes for me too. I literally imprisoned my own mind voluntarily, using my best friend aka my worst enemy, the sweetest yet most disgusting kiss youll ever taste; while its the easiest yet hardest way to lay your whole fucking life to waste...
Without her its just so fucked up to pick up the pieces bit by bit, powerless is how you feel when you try to fix all this shit. Every day a step further away from yourself you take, due to all the fucking morals and values through the years you did break. Why the fuck am i always whining and complaining? On its own this fucking addiction is already so draining. If i could just shut the fuck up for a short little while and accept that I really fucked up everything with a style...
Im literally the best at anything and everything i do, unfortunately the same goes for how hard myself i can screw. Wish i could focus that arrogance on getting out of this fucking hole, even just a bit of it to start taking control. Actually i should know by now the word control doesnt go in the same sentence than chemical dependancy, ive proved it to myself over and over so by now the truth i should see. One is too many and a thousand will never be enough, not original but every now and then there is some truth in some of the NA's stuff...


"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - Elective Affinities

Fuck that

Constantly with yourself in a huge fucking fight, trying to bullshit yourself from morning to night. Conveniently forgetting every single promise you made to yourself the night before; cause when the anxiety and cramps kick in your good intentions are no more. So pissed off with yourself cause all your tools you threw in a bin or some random drain, now you have to go and scratch it out and so it takes so much longer to rid yourself of this pain. After a huge rush that feels like a fucking year before you can eventually sit down to start cooking, you still hate it so much that everything about you is very far away from happy looking...
A hit to prevent the pain, a hit to keep me from going insane, a shot to take away the fear, a shot to get my head clear, a bag just for incase the day gets rough, another bag cause one is never ever enough. Some gear to keep the clucking at bay and some gear just to make it through the fucking day...
All your good intentions dissapear like shadows in the night and suddenly all of your wrongs made a 180 turn and all of a sudden its justified as being right. All the fucking strenght you used the last couple of days to hit the brakes, all the energy that went into it to prove to yourself that you have what it takes. All the positive stuff dissapears in that one very wrong and bad choice. After that all you are left with is cravings and back again in your head is that annoying and persistant fucking voice: come on, just one more, one last one, a final, a absolute final to prove to yourself that you are stronger last hit? I wish it was as easy to stick with as to say but in response to that, all i can say is: BULL-FUCKING-SHIT !!!


"Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free."

Jim Morrison

Spice girls

Cash is not the the only thing youre wasting, dissapointment is not the only thing youre tasting. Step by step and day by day youre just fucking up all thats good, ruining your life and fucking up your mood. So much unnecassary shit your adding to the equasion, all of this topped with a huge dash of frustration. I mean for fuck sakes is 'stupid fucking cunt' your middle name? Do you enjoy living in all this hate, anger and shame...
One fucking choice, one simple no, its amazing how quickly out the window all your strenght does go. Flying with the speed of light, one second youre strong and the next you completely forget about your fight. Weakness creeping in from the side and from this motherfucker it feels impossible to hide. For a fraction of a second you let go of your gaurd then again youre in hell and im talking right back at the start...
I can promise you that im anything but weak yet this fucking heroin addiction leaves me so extremely bleak. Suicidal in a million and one ways yet i hide it so well you wont notice it as i go on with my days. A shell i have as tough as nails yet im constantly hanging on to lifes rails. But this fight i wont give up and i mean never, not a chance of me giving up ever. Yet i feel like i only have this much strenght left in me to fight and before it runs out i have to reach the light...


"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."

Mahatma Gandhi

Dont know, stil dont know, not a clue

From needles to foil, my own fun im trying to spoil. I have to move further away from this numbing out, have to see what lifes really about. Take my blinkers off or maybe put them back on, not really wanting to see everything that is wrong. Or maybe i should start focussing on all the shit and that will be a different way of sorting it. Am i really moving away or am i just bullshitting myself around every turn? I dont know, burn baby burn...
Havent touched a needle in two days but my smack intake has doubled, reality bust, broken, shattered and sanity wobbled. Every day my common sense is shouting and screaming 'NO!' yet this addicted part of me is just ignoring it and on a mission it will go. Powerless is what it makes me feel, big chunks of my life does it steal, bit by bit eating away of what is truly me and every now and then light at the end of the tunnel can i see. Yet the light at the end of the tunnel is dissapearing fast, what the fuck can i do to make it last???
Just letting go is easier said than done and the cold turkey part is in no way fun. I think its the fear of the unknown thats pulling me back, constantly making me fall down into this crack. Apparently baby steps is the proper way, taking it hour for hour and day by day. Theres no textbook way of dealing with this shit, everyone has his own way - his own fit. All u know is i have to get away from cooking up my hit and downgrading back to chasing this shit...

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off."


Gloria Steinem

Sister fister

Brown eyes misty and glazed with white, pupils the size of pinheads and not due to light. Facial expression a representation of suffering and death, although unfortunately you havnt yet given your last breath. Once again trying to free yourself fron this hell youve cooked up and created, death is one option that millions of times over and over youve contemplated...
Wasting everything from cash to life, constantly to your life adding more and more strife. It seems a sucker for punishment you are, trying to cover yet causing more and more festering on this already fucked up scar. Yet all you want to do is fix it and sort it out, isnt that what overcoming addiction is about? Yet you just look worse and worse as every day passes by, if you had tears left it would be another reason to cry...
When your buzzing with so much power and conviction a positive choice you can make: but when youre down, your voice goes faint and you start feeling insecure its just as easy that same choice to break. If your eyes get forced open in the morning due to anxiety, that is round about then when you face a different reality. Everythings just so far wrong and completely fucking twisted, look at the bright side: atleast up your arse your not getting fisted. Well sometime you have to get up and start to push and with all this bitching and complaining for once you can just shush...

"I don't do drugs. I am drugs."

Salvador Dalí

So ??? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ?

Please tell me what the fuck is there left to do? Sometimes it just feels like the smack is so much stronger than you. Its such a motherfucking bitch to break away; get some cleantime and for once more than a measly fucking day. Its as if 'stupid cunt' is engraved across your forehead, clean for a while and when you use again and all you sit with is heaps and heaps of regret. Completely, totally and utterly pissed off and annoyed. Why? cause that day or two's positivity and strength youve completely fucked up and destroyed...
Feeling good, i mean walking on a cloud for the day or two you dont shoot, then up your arse you put your own fucking boot. For no fucking reason and out of the blue, you jump up count your cash and do the stupid shit you are so proned to do. There you go and i mean with the fucking speed of light and already youve completely forgotten about the past 36 hours that consisted of having with yourself this huge fight...
Conveniently forgetting about the detox you went through that left you feeling like hell, god in your fucking head you are really not well. Sick is what this disease makes you and i mean completely into your fuck you, sometimes tired other times sick but mostly it feels like there is fuckall you can do. Sanity and sobriety so freaking far away and just out of fucking reach. And the best explanation for addiction - make your choice: fuckup, disaster, parasite or bloodsucking leach...

"Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction."


William S. Burroughs

Korny fucking poem number ???

Going out of my way and trying my best to break free, working towards getting back to myself back to me. Have to do my best to get rid of this junkie mentality and then maybe for once i can chill out, relax and just be; but am i gonna like what i will eventually find and see???
If i dont then what the fuck am i gonna do? One more time again myself i cannot screw; and with this fucking choice and promise i must go through. In my life i need another couple of colours cause im so over being blue and then to myself i really have to start staying true...
Maybe i should focus all my energy on fighting - instead of on all these korny fucking poems im constantly writing. All this while this disease is devouring me by chewing, ripping and biting. Or to wake me, up my arse i need a bolt of lightning because the fear of organ failure or death doesnt apply the appropriate degree of frightening...


'To live for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.'

Robert M. Pirsig

Rub-a-dub-dub

Constantly getting my sorry ass up and out of this shit hole and then again...fuuuck im falling!! Hectically sick, tired, fed-up, fucked up, annoyed and really so over this crawling. Like a huge fucking mission everything in your life does feel, all these shitty feelings: sadness, fucking disasterous, frustration hate and anxiety? Unfortunately all real. Trying to crawl my way to the top and out this deep, dark, neagative and black hole, then just the other fuckup is to gather the pieces youve lost; body, mind and soul. What a fucking hell of a mission to go through; but there is no other way to get up and this process to do. Just bite the fucking bullet, brace yourself and crawl to the top, just make sure you stay strong otherwise youll lose all youll lose grip and once again to the bottom of the hole youll drop. And that is a bitch place to be. But dont take my word for it; just pick up a quick addiction and then for yourself you can see. Thats also the worst advice i could ever give to you - cause if you pick up this habit thats one of the hardest and most fucked up ways in which yourself you can screw. What to do? Screw you too. What to do? What to do???????????.


"I was more addicted to self destruction then to the drugs themselves ... something very romantic about it"

Gerard Way

Full moon

Cooking your liberty up in a spoon, always wishing it away on days with the fullest of moon, reality biting you under your arse every day, the shit thats causing it is the only thing that can take it away. No reason to continue this shit, yet fucking up and going on with it. Millions of reasons to break free. Still stuck in this hole - how the fuck could this be? Fucked up in alot more ways than one, nothing about this is any kind of fun. Letting go of this hold smack has over me, feels like I am finally breaking free. I know ive felt this way in the past yet this time i just have to go with it and just make it last. For once letting go of all this shit, hate and sorrow: and for once looking forward to the day of tomorrow...


'A people free to choose will always choose peace.'

Ronald Reagan

Buffalo soldier

Hollow, empty and completely out of place, body feels like liquid, brain like mush and a mask for a face. Edgy, skittish and so fucking tense. Tired, fed up, fucked up and over having my balls in this wrench. One fucking decision, one simple fucking choice and just sticking with it for once; god im a dumbfuck, how much more shit do i still want to munch. To the bottom of this deep dark pit im pulling myself over and again, for fuck sakes im so freaking far away from my zen. Really have to move closer to myself very soon and fucking fast, put in effort and make a fucking point to make it last. Cant feel like this for another day and how much furher can i still throw my fucking life away. I need to sort my fucking head out and get it straight - before my time is up and its too fucking late...


'The only Zen you can find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.'

Robert M. Pirsig

? ! ?? !! ??? !!!

Its not about the heroin but the needle, the addiction. Its not about coming clean but being sober and staying clean within lifes restriction. Its not just about misery but comfort in sadness and leaving things in tatters. Sobbing about things and huge chunks of youself youve lost although its a good thing so none of it actually matters. So much destruction and waste into your life you have brought BUT look at how strong life made you and all the lessons you got taught...
Its not about the falling but the getting up, the staying there. Its not about the N.A.F.I attitude but fixing it all and showing that you actually do care. Ot about how many holes you poked in your body from feet to neck, its about being fortunate enough to be in this position to fix your body this wreck. Its also not about everything and everyone youve lost along the way: more and more appreciating that youve lived to see another day...
Addiction really hectically sucks dick, come...lets write a korny fucking poem about it and lets do it real quick...


"A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on."

William S. Burroughs

Beeeeehh

Airhead: living a life full of regret. Lost in time: start to whine. Day in and day out; all you want to do is scream and shout. Lost and found: will you stay up this time round? Falling and falling: sometime out of this shitheap youll find yourself crawling. Time and time again; you have to stop relapsing sometime but when? So much fear of the unknown: when youre clean and sober you dont like the reality that to you gets shown. Cutting and bleeding; happens due to all the shit that life into your head keeps on feeding. Cooking up and sticking the needle in your arm: everythings already so fucked up that this cant do any more harm. Crumbling and falling apart: lost pieces being replaced with hate and the blackening of your heart. Emotions dead and dying: everythings fucked up yet theres no tears left for crying. Always wanting and needing more: one day someone you love will find your lifeless body on the cold wet bathroom floor. Anger and hate: isnt the life of a junkie just so fucking amazing and great!!!


'A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.'

Bill Cosby

NWO

Who wouldve known that one person can fall again this fast, for once i need to make a choice and make it last. This getting up and falling on a weekly basis is emotionally and physically so tiring, people that made it through this to the end im actually admiring. So scared of what the day of tomorrow will bring, about the grim reaper making an appearance im constantly worrying. On the other side you hate the space you are in so badly that death sounds like a better option? Yet you also know that sad train of thought comes from years of self corruption. Bad choices all leading to anger and hate, fuck me but this is a hard preordained reality or even fate...
When they start fucking out everyone to a certain degree think its cool but from were im standing now i can see i chose the path of the stupid one or rather the fool. When you start this shit no one realizes the magnatude of the shit they are starting here, it wouldve been so much fucking easier and less painfull to have from the beginning just stayed clear. But i didnt so what the fuck am i supposed to do, wish there was a way yourself you could unscrew...
Wishfull thinking i would say, theres no easy way to just make this shit go away. Only way is to choose and then the bullet to bite and when the easy part is over then day to day you gave to fight. And this is a battle within and with yourself aka your own worst enemy and i know this fucker: hes just as skilled as devious as me. Fuck this is such a deep hole i dropped myself in! Just wish i knew what the day of tomorrow will bring...


'Day, A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.'

Ambrose Bierce

NWO

Who wouldve known that one person can fall again this fast, for once i need to make a choice and make it last. This getting up and falling on a weekly basis is emotionally and physically so tiring, people that made it through this to the end im actually admiring. So scared of what the day of tomorrow will bring, about the grim reaper making an appearance im constantly worrying. On the other side you hate the space you are in so badly that death sounds like a better option? Yet you also know that sad train of thought comes from years of self corruption. Bad choices all leading to anger and hate, fuck me but this is a hard preordained reality or even fate...
When they start fucking out everyone to a certain degree think its cool but from were im standing now i can see i chose the path of the stupid one or rather the fool. When you start this shit no one realizes the magnatude of the shit they are starting here, it wouldve been so much fucking easier and less painfull to have from the beginning just stayed clear. But i didnt so what the fuck am i supposed to do, wish there was a way yourself you could unscrew...
Wishfull thinking i would say, theres no easy way to just make this shit go away. Only way is to choose and then the bullet to bite and when the easy part is over then day to day you gave to fight. And this is a battle within and with yourself aka your own worst enemy and i know this fucker: hes just as skilled as devious as me. Fuck this is such a deep hole i dropped myself in! Just wish i knew what the day of tomorrow will bring...


'Day, A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.'

Ambrose Bierce

Heroin addiction: take 2

This fucking hell of a prison my mind is caught in is so fucking unreal, always up and down, making missions: beg, borrow or steal. Nearly anything and everything just not to feel this way, always promising yourself to stop tommorrow and make it a new day. Its only due to the smack i feel this shit, yet without it you feel worse, sad reality and that is it. Its the H that put you here in the first place, every day trying your best just to keep face. Going out of your way to hide it from anyone that pretends to care, they just mustnt even think about asking questions they mustnt even dare...
Your big secret and you think no one knows a thing, and in the weirdest ways to you advise they do bring. Youre excuses are always between a cold and flue or a stomach ache. For how long can you ride out these excuses before they shatter and break? What the fuck will your next line of defence be? Praying that for a while longer theyre too stupid the truth to see. One the one side you actually dont give a continental blue fuck, yet youre always lying about it: fingers crossed behind your back for luck...
Not lying cause the person you are is in any way bad? Just the stigma and label stamped on addicts are criminal, horrible, depressing and sad. Although im always trying to be as honest as what few heroin addicts can be, always putting in all my energy and trying so fucking hard to break free. I really have to cause in this fucking manner i really cant go on, journey of self-discovery is over and for the future im ready and really strong. Ready for anything that life can throw at me, now i just have to get out this hole so that i can i can test the water and then ill really see...


'Heroin - A drug that helps you to escape reality, while making it much harder to cope when you are recaptured.'

Nikki Sixx , The Heroin Diaries: A Year In The Life Of A Shattered Rock Star

Freedom

If there was a way to make money off every single promise to myself ive broken, millions of promises, all excactly the same fucking promise, everytime in a different style, way and even sometimes to people who i really love. All im left with is a broken heart and life. Self inflicted? Maybe? Maybe not? I think i need something to believe in, something real cause its so fucking confusing to fit into a world where nothing makes sense, nothing is real, an absolutely nothing makes sense, everything just moves into an unknown direction and most of the fucking time its not even in my control, its my choice but is it really?

Building block for a new world order

This disease has gotten to a point thats so far past and beyond mad, a reality that is more than sick, twisted, fucked up and way across the line of being sad. Pulling you way out of your true self and the bit of you thats left is so fucked and depressed and with a needle you are so fucking way past obsessed. Getting up and staying clean for a day or three - after putting yourself through all that shit you get up and use: any logic? Nope! Fuck me...
Im not sure if you should analyze the problem or just let go? Stop immediately and turkey your arse off or over a couple of days or wean it off and take it slow. The second option is just an excuse to fuck it up for a while longer; bullshitting yourself into believing it will keep your mind and body stronger? Not sleeping for the couple of days you dont use; then by using again you put yourself through that same fucking abuse, now once again youre fucking yourself over by being high so at night its just another form of sleep deprivation. God dammit, fuck me running! Heroin addiction in your life just causes devistation...
I mean laying down to pass the time before your next hit, while waiting these stupid fucking poems i write and thats about it. Watching the clock and waiting for an hour to pass, up and down, preoccupying time by cleaning, painting or smoking some grass. Life is really out of balance, shattered and a complete fucking waste, how much more sadness and misery do you want to experience and taste? Oh heroin the love of my life or should i call you my favorite lady smack? Definately far from a lady - god i would really love to get my fucking life back!!!


"Drugs are a bet with your mind."


Jim Morrison

Trainspotting

In active addiction youre always bitching cause you never have any fucking money; an addict can explain to you how flat fucking broke you can actually get and that shit aint funny. Clean for a while, debts paid and the leftover cash is burning a hole in my fucking pocket, while the devil is whispering these sweet words of temptation in my ear thats causing my strenght to crumble: fuck it! How in the name of god do you create a balance and where do you draw the fucking line? How difficult can it be to want to move out of this fucking hole, moving forward and having some sort of a goal? Am i out of answers or am i out of questions? Dunno, dunno, dunno???


'All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?

Buddha

Love at first hit

Couldnt even look at the needle pierce my arm the first time i took a hit, when the smack got sucked into the spick i nearly had a hissy fit. Until that moment my fear of needles would cause me to go pale and just pass out - before getting pale and hitting the floor i would faintly shout. 1-2-3 and then i would hit the deck, now i can stand with a smile and stick a needle in my neck. So abstract and twisted your morals would become and be, but only if you experience it yourself then youll see...
I really have to move away from these fucking tools, its really the toys of idiots and fools. Im not dissing anyone here, its as if coming clean is a fear. Cant call you and idiot cause i do the same stupid shit, fucking up and throwing away life bit by bit. Also stuck in the same fucking groove, so difficult to get up and move. Tired of 2 and then 3 days clean, such a fucking mission its been. Just have to get up and move forward and away, then maybe this stupid game with my life i can stop to play...

"Selling my soul would be a lot easier if I could just find it."

Nikki Sixx - The Heroin Diaries: A Year In The Life Of A Shattered Rock Star

Choices

Its just one simple fucking choice that draws the line between life and death, one simple fucking choice to either keep on living or blowing out your last breath. If youve never been addicted before you wont ever be able to just begin to start comprehending how fucking hard it is to make; yet theres thousands of bad excuses being shouted and screamed at you from the back of your head so the promise youll break. Just thinking about a needle piercing into my body gives me cold fucking chills BUT when you start cooking you get so fucking excited about this 'cheap' or rather let me rephrase: this fucked up and expensive thrill...
Sick in the head...
Twisted as hell...
Life filled with regret...
Addicted to a foul taste and smell...
Every hit is with your life a bet...
I suppose that time will tell...


"Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self esteem."

Kurt Cobain

Bitch

Why the fuck does fate tempt me so badly? Why the fuck do i react so sadly?
Why cant i just free myself from this jail?
Fuck me, its been oens since ive psosted bail.
So hectically lost in thought miles away,
its pissing outside and i find it so difficult just to sit, stay!
I promise you that perfect is how i feel,
and it is me and its real.
Yet all i wanna do is go and score,
and after that first fucking hit its just more!
So far lost and far gone,
sad realtiy, sad song!

Dude

Head is completely empty for a freaking change, no bullshit to write down - thats quite fucking strange? Yet im still sitting typing the fuck away, but actually i have nothing, not one single word to say. My heads not jumbed or mixed which is good for a fucking once in a very long while, corny as iy may sound: on my face have a smile. Maybe its the moon going half or life just slipping away, see how youre doing at the end of the fading day. Snotty nose and tears, reliving all your worst fears, second to none, no fucking fun. Life gone, everything wrong...


'If you die you're completely happy and yoursoul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.'


Kurt Cobain

Survivor

Except for addiction the thing that bothers me most, is getting a subject for every fucking blog post, but thats not what i want to bitch about now, god it sounds like i complain about everything - wow! How many different ways can you complain about this shit, thats the bottom line or is it? Every day and night same fucking thing: how much misery this thing called addiction brings. Moaning about the prison your mind is caught in, constantly at day one you have to begin. How many times can i still fall, how many times 'an dumb cunt' are you yourself still gonna call. Isnt life supposed to be enjoyd? Cause what ive been doing really ripped apart and destroyed. Then i still have the audacity to complain and bitch? God! Thats rich!!!

"A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole."

Frank Zappa , The Real Frank Zappa Book

Available

Never a fucking clue, never ever know what to do. Always just falling deeper and deeper, have to catch myself cause i have no keeper. What feels like million days in addiction, only always causes friction. So fucking hard to stay away, always this twisted game with your life you wanna play. Fighting the needle with all my might, some days i even win the fight! And the next is harder than the one before, and then all your mind shouts is more. Such desperation i havnt seen for a while, its actually so fucked up you have to smile. Thinking about it causes so much fucking shame, atleast it makes you forget about the pain. Sad bud true, if you cant understand this then fuck you too...

"When you smoke the herb, it reveals you to yourself."

Bob Marley

The illuminati

Soul being held prisoner of your mind, open your eyes so the truth you shall find. This prison you sorta volunteered to be in called addiction is just another trap causing you hell and restriction. So much hate for them on which to feed, fuck that sounds like the perfect heaven they need. Helping them to create a prison thats close to hell, well at the end of the day only time will tell...
Caught between subutex and smack, wishing so badly you can just get your life back. Always drowning in this cell of hate and doubt, banging on the doors and screaming but no one can hear you shout. Always on a buzz by dealer or legal script, all you want is free to be ripped. Yet all your negativity and shit keeps you improsoned so fucking bad and the reality behind it all is so fucking sad...
It feels like a life sentence you volunteered for, tightly locked up in a cell yet you hold the key to the door. At the end of the day youre the dumbfuck that put yourself there, giving away all your passion and your lifes flair. The world makes it so complicated to break free, all the shit on tv and in the media we see. Making you feel so inferiour and small and thats why again and again you fall...

"If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use two feet."

Keith Richards: In His Own Words

And yet another W T F ???

Completely confused, not at all amuzed, bored out of my fucking mind, no way to unwind. Only thing on my mind is that bitch thing called smack, so much it took that ill never get back. Fighting just to get my head above water for a quick breath, then being pulled deep down to what others usually see as a sure and certain death. No lifeline, no support just my own strenght and power, brick for brick is crumbling what used to be a strong tall tower...
Dont know what the fuck im thinking, to keep sane hands and hands full of pills im drinking. Groups, clinics, social workers and here and there the odd shrink, all just to figure out what the fuck it is that i actually think. Nowhere closer to what the fuck is up, thoughts and dreams completely corrupt. Have to figure it out and pull through. For fuck sakes! I really need to figure out what to do...
This boredom nothing kills, it literally feels as though my head it drills. After you get to slam on the break then your strenght of character will decide whether this you will make. Taking baby steps and doing it day by day, literally wishing days of your life away. Its no fucking way to live not even to mention move on; why the fuck cant i just make it past day one. Well lets see what this time im gonna get right and do, a thousand and one promises ive already made just that again myself i wont screw...

'Reality is just a crutch for people who cant handle drugs'

Robin P Williams

A new beginning...

...or is it the fucking end? Cause now its about picking up pieces and starting to mend. Sometimes it sounds like a better option to take a gun and paint the walls with your brain but for my brother itll cause a shitload of pain. A shitty excuse you might say - choice is yours: yay or nay? Well i dont actually give a continental blue fuck as to what you think, all i know it sux losing your mom and your dad trying to kill his misery with drink...
Shame! poor fucking me! still its a reality we had to see, actually not see but live and most importantly fear and feel. This deep and dark place no child should ever see, not even to mention live, grow and try yourself to find or just be. I know there are so many people who has it alot worst but for once i must put myself first. Out of that the rest could actually turn out to be fine, it sounds so fucking cool: a future to embrace and a destiny thats mine...
Yet fuuuck getting there is gonna be a huge fucking mission and its gonna take alot more than just praying and wishing. How the fuck do you pick up that wasted time of 18 years? How the fuck do you get rid of all the uncertainties and fears? You actually get overwhelmed if you realise all the shit you still have to do, you get so fucking pissed off and annoyed cause yourself very hard you did screw. For fuck sakes now its about make or break, yet i sometimes doubt i have what it would take...

"I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periledlife and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom."

Edgar Allan Poe

Promises and lies

I dont know how many fucking times ive promised myself that: 'this is it', i dont know how many times and on how many peoples graves ive sworn that this is the last fucking hit. The only to explain is: complicated. World shook and shaken a bit. Day off day on, fuck there must be something fucked up wrong...
One fucking trap after the other in which to get ensnared, you see, get anxious, start paniking and then just shitscared. Then conciously you just jump in the first available one, not to give fate or the devil their fun. Rather throw the fucking spanner in your own machienary, stand back and wait for the result to be. See how this one turns out, what the fuck am i on about???
Actually to me it makes alotta sense, just penning the truth makes me fucking tense. Realising im the one fucking it up for me, just believe in destiny? Then this is a raw fucking hand i was dealt, really the arse end of the horse i smelt. But i suppose its what you do with the shit. I suppose you could eat it bit by bit. Or you could just fuck it, pull an ace outta my sleeve, take a while and see what the fuck i can achieve...


"Selling my soul would be a lot easier if I could just find it."

Nikki Sixx , The Heroin Diaries: A Year In The Life Of A Shattered Rock Star

Another Unknown

Its funny to think how much money youd be saving if you could just stop feeding this stupid constant fucking craving. You dont even take note of the thousands youve spent - not even to mention all the things youve sold, pawned and all the bloody money youve lent. Every single cent of it literally went up in smoke and im not talking figuritively, trying to be cliche or making some lame-ass joke. And its got absolutely fuckall to do with whether you are in the mood for using or not, it just grabs you by the short and curlies and intimidatingly whispers: 'feed me you little fuucking snot': 'I am the one who is in charge here', and with arrogance that can be said cause you know how badly going cold turkey you fear...
Your whole life is literally one huge race against the clock, when youre short of cash or the dealer is taking his sweet fucking time all you can think is : tick-tock, tick-tock. Because you have this fear shadowing you 24/7 always and everywhere; now you dont have gear so much quicker does the early sighns of clucking appear and thats a different burden to bare. A layer of sweat covering your back and face accomponied by these chills running through your body leaving you freezing. Anxiey pouring out of you, hectically upset stomach, your legs feel like lead and then theres still the hectic sequences of sneezing...
From head to toe your whole body feels completely out of sync. Freezing and or sweating - it just depends on whether its something hot or cold you drink. After a million and one phonecalls youve made to figure out how long this fucking 10 minutes is actually gonna be; in this time if you could think straight then how badly addicted you are you could actually see. No longer can or do you want to feel this fucking way and just to feel normal any amount of money youll pay. Its such a complete, total and utter freaking waste, youll pay anything and afterwards all you are left with is being pissed at yourself, blood on your clothing and in your mouth a horrible fucking taste...

"I was more addicted to self destruction then to the drugs themselves ... something very romantic about it"

Gerard Way

Always Subject,subject...subject...!!!

One moment youre ontop of the world - not one worry or one single care, as your mind goes silent and into nowhere you start to stare. In that single second of serenity your alter-ego starts whispering in your ear, reminding you of everything you have to do to get your life back into gear. Seeing youre clean except for being confused as fuck and anxious your emotions are hectically amplified; and then that glimpse of the future looks too fucking much and you start getting terrified. round about now the wheels in your head really starts turning, not to mention how the fucking cash in your pocket starts burning...
This is where it comes to the point of make or break, sometimes quickly but othertimes it takes a long time for you this decision to make. Take some meds, roll a fatty, walking up and down, sitting temples between my knees rocking, and every bit of effort i put in my other self throws in 5cents worth of mocking. 'Why the fuck are you sitting here wasting energy fighting?' and then 'you know that just now youre gonna jump up here and get ready for a mission with the speed of lightning'...
In this situation i really am my own worst fucking enemy. Yip, thats right: no triggers or people influencing me badly, nope, its all me. And that when you think about it its a fuckup deluxe, fuck me sideways that dilemma really sux. After a good 3 hours of fighting with yourself that felt more like a fucking year, you finally get overwhelmed by allthese fucked up emotions dominted and driven by fear. When you finally jump up there at the speed of light, thats when you officially lost your bloody flight...


"Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox."

Russell Brand

Smack attack

After being so fucking cross-addicted to so many substance for 16 years, of all the drugs ive consumed heroin has left the most scars and tears. After walking through hell and having experiences like ive had, to just relax and go through life with no issues - fat chance to that. I dont even know why the fuck im writing, some days i dont even know why i still bother fighting...
So much fucking energy i waste goes into trying to quit, for enjoying life you dont even save a bit; Not even to mention having fun cause youre always on a mission - always on the run. Just chasing wind to keep the clucking away, and for that; any amount of money youll pay. And its not even a buzz your after anymore, its all just to feel normal and keep the pain away from your door...
To use something just to feel normal - what a fucking waste of life. All the misery it brings to your life is all over; just rife. Just hating every second of every day as it drags the fuck along. I promise you that literally everything in your life feels wrong. Heroin makes you feel like this and its the only thing that can make you feel right, and with all the aggression it brings every situation is a ring for a fight. Fuck man, what the fuck can you do, did you ever realise that yourself this hard you can screw???


'A jug fills drop by drop.'

Buddha

Elvis Presley

Spiking the vein, trying to take away the pain, actually to your door, youre just inviting more. Dont actually know what youre doing, one certainty is that yourself harder youre just screwing. Fucking yourself up in so many fucking ways, trying to hide youre desperate displays. Every fucking day its just more and fucking more, rain or shine the only thing you can think is 'go and score'...
Your day cant start untill youve gotten your first hit, sad reality for your life but that is it. Cant think about anything else than smack, every day fighting to get your life on track. Trying fucking hard to cockblock yourself to get out of this horribly fucked up routine but its so much fucking harder than what it seems...
The first 10 minutes of day one is quite cool and then after a shower your mind starts to work overtime and for a hit you start to drool. Then pacing up and down fighting with your pet monkey, after he wins and convinces you that you are a fucking junkie. You start counting you money and then you think you situation is quite funny. You jump up and go and score and for the rest of the fucking day its just 'one more'...

'Gonna get back to basics
Guess I'll start it up again
I'm falling' from the ceiling
You're falling from the sky now and then
Maybe you were shot down in pieces
Maybe I slipped in between
But we were gonna be the wildest people they ever hoped to see
Just you and me'

Counting Crows - Recovering the Satellites

Clueless - again or still?

Trying my utter best to atleast fail my way forward, i know if i overcome all this shit my life will show great reward, i know how much good will come from me just leaving everything behind - maybe for once ill start seeing life again as being kind? I know one simple choice will make all this shit go away, yet with myself and my life games i want to play. Ive got a drawer full of meds for the clucking - yet still with the smack i am fucking...
Its not the coming clean that is the bitch; you might think omg thats fucking rich! But its the staying clean thats the bastard thing cause mudundane, mindnumbing boredom is what to your life it does bring. Everytime you go to the loo you think its cold turkey youre going through. Smack has really shaped your life in a million aspects, taught you different new ways for life to respect.. Still its such a bitch to get away from this shit, fuck me sideways - i dont know how but i just have to fucking do it!!!


'Dream and give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be.'

Joy Page

Again...whatever or a quick thought

Going through fucking hell, pain and misery to find your way to go home again, and in the blink of an eye, one single moment of weakness completely losing it as the opiate addiction takes complete control of your body and brain. Go through this huge fucking mission of finding your feet once more, then once again you trip youself and allow life to kick your feet out under you and you end up on the floor. You love and give with all the passion that your heart and soul does posess, in return you get the gift of a guilty conciouns, inferiourity, remorse and deep dark heavy cloud of hatred hanging around you all the fucking time. Against all your knowledge, experience, and better judgement you open yourself up to trust, very quickly once again you realise why you find it so fucking difficult to let people in and why i keep them as distant possible, prevention is better than being shat on i suppose...

'Everything has beauty, but not everyonesees it.'

Confucius