One fix too many?

Imagine one day without a fix, i actually went on for longer than a year without pulling any tricks, then why the fuck when everything is going well would i fuck it up so freaking bad, somethings wrong deep inside and its making me somewhere between crazy and mad. I just dont know if it comes from using again and at myself being annoyed plus all the good stuff and happiness in my life that ive destroyed...
Getting to a point soo fucking close to having no debt - literally zero, after achieving that after 16 years of addiction i was my own fucking hero. Corny and stupid as it may sound, i got reaon to be happy caused i crawled myself out of a hole that went way unnderground. That was a huge fucking mission and that i promise you, i aimed for it and got there at last, made one bad fucking choice and once again screwed myself up the arse...
How fucking idiotic and stupid do you get? Do you want your whole fucking life to be a regret? You really have to make a plan and shake off these chains, get it over and done with and get rid of all of addiction and lifes pains. Aslong as you always get up again after being puched out: i guess thats whats winning this war is about...

'I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring.'

David Bowie