Tuesday, 4 January 2011

How many times

How many times can you disappoint yourself, over and over and over again, stand up & start moving forward and then you just completely fuck it up again - one bad choice leads to another and another and then you are right back at square one, just having to put yourself through all the same shit again and every time it just gets worse and worse, harder and harder, more and more difficult. One part of your head is shouting and screaming: 'NO!! NO!! NO!! While another part is screaming and screaming: GO!! GO!! I would assume that 3 no's should be stronger than 2 go's but anyway? And you keep on telling yourself if you are gonna use today, you are gonna use tomorrow, if you are gonna use today you are gonna use tomorrow, it's not worth it, its just a quick fix, a week of suffering in comparison to years of suffering, reminding yourself how bad it gets, how much you hate it, how much you're gonna end up hating your life and even worse: yourself, just one day, just for today, a day gets too long, break it down to an hour, break it down to 10 minutes and then just one minute at a time, over and over you remind yourself how badly you are gonna hate yourself for one moment of weakness and then that moment of weakness breaks down all your hard work and commitment you put into yourself and your recovery, gambling with that little bit of trust you won back from people, conveniently forgetting this whole argument you just had with yourself, all the suffering physically and emotionally you went through. One second, one bad choice, one moment and it all collapses. All your strenght, all your motivation, all your hard work and your positive energy turns to shit, a big heap of the same old smelly shit you live with and have lived with for the past 15 years of your life, you would think by now you would realise if you make this one wrong move you put yourself in checkmate and you fuck yourself over again, every time harder and harder, deeper and deeper and im not talking about gently, im talking about big fat dick up the ass and then the feeling of powerlesness flows through your veins again, pumping through your body with every beat of your heart and in one second you take choice out of the equasion and turn into a braindead zombie again...
Not even chasing a high are we? No, normality is what I am after, not your normality you live every day, the way you feel when you get out of bed in the morning- no, a very fragile version of it held together by a complete waste of time, chasing a high that hasn't existed for years and chemicals, to be more exact chemical substance abuse or rather straight to the point heroin - my biggest love affair ever or my most painful hate or slow suicide, very slow suicide but that depend on the mood im in, how much time I have and how much cash I have to spend....