Thursday, 31 May 2012

Happy happy !?!

Pasing up and fucking down, nirvana blaring in the background, bodies heavy but not sick heavy. This is more of an emotional heavy manifesting from head to toe, constantly hitting myself against the forehead with my sweaty palms. Every single cell in my body putting up a fight, trying to help me not to cook up yet this tiny motherfucking part of me is just fucking going for it. Constantly bullshitting myself that this is the last one and then-NO!,' fuck what about tomorrow morning cause i have to go and work and cant be cotching up and choking on yellow fucking bile whilst breaking out in these fucking cold sweats, barely being able to move. Serving customers at a fucking restuarant; YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! And then the afternoon bullshitting brainwave hits: OH FUCKING WELL i've already used today so i might as well use again tonight after work altho after my last fucking hit at work, i took the spick, broke the needle and the plunger off, twisted the plastic part into its fuck you just before you promised yourself that 'this is my last fucking hit ever!!!!?'
But you were clean, when was is it again? About a week ago? Youve got all the fucking meds you need to come clean, havnt been like really overdoing it this time so how sore and sick can you actually get? Yet you can never be to careful i suppose or rather this other part of me assumes and thats how this vicious cycle of bullshitting yourself goes and its even sadder, more depressing, fucked up and morbid than you can ever imagine. If youve never been in this position i dont think you can even actually begin to just start comprehending as to what the fuck we go through.
One fucking week and im standing right were i was five cunting years ago, so fucking fed up, fucked up, so fucking annoyed at myself that my stomachs knotted, so much ive just thrown away, from a stride in my step to a hunch in my back, just wanting to punch someone but im talking fuck them up good and solid, snapping sound of a nose breaking, blood spraying everywhere, warm blood gently drizzling on your face, the sound of ribs breaking, wind out with that familiar sound of someone just hitting the ground, out cold, body shaking, bruised battered and defeated. Victorious in more ways than one.
Just pick up something and with your bare hands just putting all your energy into just ripping it apart, taking it firmly gripping it in your sweaty palms, white knuckles, all your anger goes into frustaration, trying to snap something in two but its fighting back, slight movement, bit of play, then that sudden that cracking sound and feeling - something snapping, nearly taking half your fucking face off with the force and anger you put in after this huge fucking snap that blared through your ears sounding like a explosion.
Taking it and forcefully trow it against the wall and watch it smach into a million fucking pieces and with all my weight just fucking smash it even more and more, pieces of splinters being ground to dust with the my heel; trampling and turning your foot into the fucking ground so hard that you actually feel it shocking through your whole body. Hurting yourself more and more not sure whether it is to punish you for being such a little cunt and fucking up again or maybe even underlying hate and anger that your channeling through this one session of truly fucking letting go? Boy aint the life of a junkie just fucking great, beautiful and amazing.

'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.'

Buddha

Smack attack

Man down - flat on your bloody face, from my side its 'bliss' but others will think: what a fucking disgrace? Completely wasted, totally and utterly out of it; you know the story - different day but same old shit. 'Funny' part is it doesn't matter how shit faced you get, getting shitfaced will and does always cause reget. Completely confused and always after the sweet honey you've tasted, yet so annoyed and pissed off about all the money and hard work you just wasted...
And you know how fucking amazing it is to be clean, cause how many times in that heaven have you not been. In that world you dont have one single fucking worry, not one reason to be or for yourself feel sorry. Yet you choose to suffer and on yourself make it so freaking hard, always fucking procrastinating on that one single choice that will lead to a fresh start...
What it it that you so hectically fear, why is it so fucking difficult to move away from the gear? Youll never understand how this shit eats away at you, you feel completely fucking powerless like theres absolutely nothing about this you can do. You really just lose huge chunks of yourself along the way and the parts you dont lose or sell they just conveniently dissapear one day...

'Bird of prey, bird of prey. Flying high, flying high, gently pass on by. Bird of Prey, Bird of Prey, Flying high, flying high. Am i going to die?'

The Doors - Bird of prey

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Fucking crazy

Wanting to quit your job just to go and get a fucking hit, you are really fucking redarded you stupid shit. Fucking yourself over on a daily basis, getting pissed off and annoyed at all the happy faces. Just wanting to pop their bubbles and bring them down, fuck! I cant be the only one walking around with this huge fucking frown...
Most of the time they're not even aware what we go through, nevermind even have the foggiest as to what we do. Youll be in the good books for years: and in one moment of honesty you ignite all theyre fears. And all of a sudden 'they've known all along', and now your the cunt and everything you do is wrong...
Never ever will you be trusted like before and im not even insinuating that it'll be more. From here on everything that goes wrong is you and about this little equasion there is round about fuckall you can do. Accept, reflect and move on and that is the end of this fucking song...

'when your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, when you think youve had too much, of this life, to hang on. Dont let yourself go; cause everybody cries. Everybody hurts, sometimes...'

R.E.M - Everybody hurts

From hero to zero in 1 bad choice

I was fucking walking on air, in this fucking world i had not one single care. Even had a stride in my walk, confidence was beaming and you could even pick it up in my talk. For a short while it reminded me of a life i had long ago, and happiness in every aspect did it show. You will never understand how pissed with myself im getting now, while typing this and thinking how badly I FUCKED UP - WOW!!!
I was really fucking detoxed, clean and sober not to long back, altho not sleeping well but in comparison the heroin addiction that is really jack. Stranger things have happend but in a flash the balance in my exsistance started returning, and weirdly enough i didnt even feel like going to score or any tricks turning. Things really felt like they were returning to normality, fucking amazing; can this really be? Still celebrating and rejoycing about being sober and clean. Sooo...this calls for a celebration; know what i mean???
Being the fucking-stupid-annoying-ignorant-little cunt like only i can, walking into the worst fucking self-constructed trap; man!?! Cause as i went to go and score, found a new spot where to get gear and more. Walked passed a spot and saw someone buying something with a familiar looking cap made of orange plastic and this is where things started fucking out and derailing like in drastic. Now i am so fucked and only if youve been in this position in your life, then youll know that know the shit is gonna be rife!!!

'Goodbye cruel world, I'm leaving you today.Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.
Goodbye, all you people, There's nothing you can say To make me change my mind. Goodbye'

Pink Floyd - Goodbye cruel world

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Subutex, heroin maybe even suboxone

A socially acceptable buzz is what these tablets are, cause from being clean you are still very far. Peace of mind is what it your family and friends will get, but all they are is a legal hit slash safety net. For coming clean as an amazing and helpfull tool it can be used: but with an addict-mentality it will just as easily be abused...
Up your dose times three and then add 1 or 2 of those amazing blue pills called pax, a buzz is what youre in but these tabs are only supposed to make you relax? Well you can take my word for it that relaxed is what youll feel, pharmacutical grade so this buzz can get bigger, better and other than heroin its 'real'. Yet its no problem cause this shit comes from a legal and legit labs, just better and alrite cause they come packaged, sealed and in the form of tabs...
Youll pass any and every single urine test, and after they see the two lines on the strip for their souls theyll find rest. Happy to see and know that you are clean, yet off the tablets you still have yourself to wean. Just as, maybe even harder than coming off smack - and without getting off them first youll never be able to get your fucking life back...

'Do you have the time, to listen to me whine. About NOTHING and EVERYTHING all at once. I am one of those, melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone, No doubt about it'

Green day - Basket case

????? ???? ??? ?? ? ?

Why cant this fucking confusion and pain just go away, its like this sick fucking game that life enjoys to play. You know how wrong every step that you take feel, you understand that the repucutions to your steps are real. Completely and totally fucking up evrything youve been building over the last time - hey look at the bright side: atleast u havnt yet comitted any crime...
Wow! Is that the best comeback you could come up with, maybe you need some glue or petrol: just a sniff. Cause if thats your explanation, even just trying to use it as a justification? Then you are much more fucked up that what you believed and need to reflect, cause that bullshit mastribation no one will accept...
Still, what the fuck was up with you this morning - lost and not right and you really did put up this huge fucking fight, how do u lose a fight where you are 100% in control, maybe cause you have no fucking aim or goal, words can't express how fucking pissed i am at myself - like in hectically rough: cause i just cant stop doing this stupid fucking stuff...

'dont worry, bout a thing. Cause every little things gonna be alrite'

Bob Marley - 3 little birds

Okidoki

Completely fucked and i mean in alot more ways than just one, believe it or not but years ago this shit actually used to be fun? Its soo fucking amazing how you let yourself be decieved; not me, im an exception to this 'heroin is fucking addictive myth' and that i firmly believed. No one was able to convince me of any other truth, i heard them all but still made the wrong fucking move...
I dont know whether i fell harder faster or faster harder, all i know is you learn really fast how to barter. I mean all my addictions before smack really paved the way, but this was in a different league and ballpark that i started to play, the value of things just fell to the ground, as non-sensical, sick and fucked up it may sound...
You used to have a certain level of dignity when you sold your stuff? But with smack you ooze with desperation that you cant bluff. They know how fucking badly you need that hit, and thats the point - that is just it. You get so fucking desperate and the dealers can tell, and thats when youre stuffs prices drops and you really fuck yourself over and under sell...

'Heroin, be the death of me. Heroin, it's my wife and it's my life, because a mainer to my vein leads to a center in my head and then I'm better off and dead. Because when the smack begins to flow, I really don't care anymore'

Velvet Underground - Heroin

Monday, 28 May 2012

Why are we here ? ?? ??? ???? ?????

Plain and fucking simple - just so we can get hurt, fucked over, experience physical and emtional pain, seeing how close you can come to losing your mind and overstepping the boundry between fucked in the head and completely insane. Struggling and suffering every motherfucking day; constantly hoping for death and silently wishing your life away.... Quietly and casually sitting on your thrown of shit; thinking to yourself that you are the bloody king and that is it. Not even vaguely aware that to life there is another way. Not even to mention that you're so not in the mood for wanting a new game with your life to play. So completely caught up in this web of deception an lies you spun, and in some sick, twisted and fucked up way it used to feels like fun...
But every now and then this 'bright light' shines so that the truth and all the fucking disasters in your life you can really see; also pointing out that there has to be a different path to life for me. So that means that ill probably not be able to go out in a blaze of glory, and in my future plans that would mean a excact opposite and a completely different story. Need to keep my head above water and its not as fucking easy as it might sound, yet i must not give up cause im not a FUCK gonna lose this round...

'As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.'

Ben Hogan

Complete numbness

Life and death running, bouncing, jumping and tingling and twisting up, down and through my spine, a touch of the beginning and the end taking place at excactly the same freaking time. Not having a clue as to whats the bloody difference between up and down? And the 'normal' people look down upon you as if youre a bloody clown. Confused, happy, angry agressive and pissed off all at the same time; and all this is happening while you have no cash for a fix so you immediately you start contemplating a bit of crime...
Where the fuck is my head at i ask you? To escape this fucking spiral what the hell can i do? Feet firmly cemented into the base of this hole you dug, while your feet is ankered down you still get pushed over and around - WHAT THE FUUUCK! You promised yourself a million times that never again will you touch this shit again, but keeping to that fucking promise is whats driving you completely insane...
Balancing on this thin line between right and wrong, most of the time not knowing which side youre gonna fall on. Complicating every second of your life just more and more, when are they gonna find your lifeless body on the bathroom floor? Sometimes you are really romantacising about dying, but your such a pussy when your heart skips a couple of beats thats when your fear shows and for your life you start crying...

'Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home? Come on now I hear you're feeling down. Well I can ease your pain. Get you on your feet again. Relax.'

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Cofusion still reighns supreme

Really in a huge heap of shit, smothered in anger, depression and surrounded by that foul fucking stench of hate. sitting in your own pile of crud, not knowing whether you should just feel sorry for yourself and meddle, feel sorry for yourself and murder or feel sorry for yourself and commit suicide? The enormous dilemmas that junkies face...
Sorta like a long fucking maze with no beginning and definately no fucking end, you might find a prison sentence or two in there, holy shit youll definately find a climic or five in this maze but stil no end? Some people are lucky enough to find the graveyard cause they say a junkies battle is over the day he dies so...Fucking bonus for them i would say. Altho according 2 me there has to be an ecape hatch here somewhere cause i personally dont even have an fucking clue as to what im on about cause if you take from where this started to where i am now youll understand how confused i actually am BUT ANYWAY...

'Don't know how we got this far. So attached now and this scares me. Like a thief you stole my heart and I fallen in love so unfairly.
Boy I hate that my world revolves around you And I hate my heart cause it hurts without you'

Kat Deluna - Love confusion

Digging deep

Digging around in your arms with a needle looking for a vein: blood running everywhere, it looks hectically bad but physically no pain. The only thing your experiencing is anxiety and achining form head to toe, you actually dont care how but into your body this shit has to go. Would really be pissed if i cant find a vein and miss this fucking hit, that would really be the most fucked up thing ever - like that would be it...
I also suppose after a while you get quite used to not hitting the spot, cause theres only certain deep blue trenches in your arms where you can still actually draw some blood. And im not even talking about lots just this 'old faithfull' vein which gives you a minuut and tiny blood stream: and if any sane person would see you stick a needle in that purple and blue ditch they'll fucking scream...
I mean this completely fucked up, bruised and torn vein is like a no-go zone and completely taboo: But sometimes a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do? If you get tired of sticking yourself full of holes with no luck, then eventually you find yourself scratching around in that no-go zone and the only thought on your mind youre is: 'FUUUCK!'. You dumb cunt you really shouldnt even be touching it never mind stick a needle in that spot at ALL? Sadly an addicts mentally doesnt even see the bigger picture and would rather lose a arm than go through withdrawel...

'Come on ogre, and do the twist, ahhhh haaaa ogre do it, and have a fit, ahhhh haaaa come on ogre, and shoot the shit ahhhh haaaa Love you so much, it makes me sick ahhhh haaaa'

Nirvana - Aneurysm

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Fucking insane

Really trying soooo fucking hard to stay sane and stay clean, i mean how long has it been? Technicalities we'll quickly move out the way and then look at the fucking happenings of the day. I mean what the fuck are you thinking you cunt and im talking a big one, do you really even consider it as being romantic or fun...
I saw a dude selling spiks on the sideline, and immediately i wanted to make one of those badboys mine. Even made a plan to get it the next day, cause you asked but for free he didnt want to give one away. So all excited and bright eyed you ran home, huge smile plastered from ear to ear, but if you think about it: this is one bad fucking choice you have to fear...
Cause if i cook up again and take a hit, i promise you: that will be it. A deep fucking downward spiral is what youll get caught up in again really fast, and then youll still make the badboy last. And then after a week or two of shooting up? This story will not have a happy ending and you yourself again you will so hectically corrupt...

'He couldn't believe how easy it was, he put the gun into his face: bang! (so much blood from such a tiny little hole).
Problems do have solutions you know, a lifetime of fucking things up, fixed in one determined flash'

NIN - The Downward spiral

Another korny fucking poem

So much about this fucking addiction thing that i despise, well except for the obvious that its leading straight to my demise? If you dont use you not only get as sick as a dog and completely confused; but when you are 'sober' with life and all its shit you're really not at all amused. Snotty nose and sneezing till it feels like your fucking head is gonna explode, completely switched of to everything and just dragging the fuck along in zombie-mode...
Body is aching and it feels like you got hit by a bloody train, everything and everyone is driving you completely, totally and utterly fucking insane. Every passing second just gets worse and all you want to do is crawl in a hole and die; such a raging ball of emotions and the outlet - for days on end you sit and you ball your fucking eyes out and cry...
Light is too bright and it shining in your eyes causes a 5 or 6 series of sneezes, and for the love of god the sun is baking on you but your skinny ass freezes. So freaking tired you are that open is impossible for you your eyes too keep; and yet after a week of depravation you still cant fucking sleep. I hope you know there is absolutely fuckall good about heroin and there is no fucking debate about it. It just fucks up your health, your life up and then it still causes ALOTTA unneccasary shit...

'A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five'

Groucho Marx

Friday, 25 May 2012

Intimacy

If you really wanna know what intimacy is and can be, start shooting up and immediately you'll see. Theres a certain romance between a junkie and his spick: and fuck me sideways - how badly does it not suck dick. How the fuck do you break this love affair? But i suppose if you dont have the problem why the fuck should YOU care...
If it doesnt concern you then you probably dont give a fuck at all; and if it does then you're probably running out of time before your next fucking case of withdrawel. I dont even know what the fuck i am saying, my whole reality is wobbling and I am so badly straying. Just know how i fucking hate this monkey on my back, its nearly as bad as my ex-lover: smoking crack...
Just getting worse and worse every single fucking day and there is nothing poitive about this shit in any way. Just sitting, sweating, craving and rocking your body back to front, god, im such a stupid fucking idiot and a little cunt. A fucking week ago i was clean and sereen, and now this serious case of fucking out - eish! its mean...

'I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away but I remember everything.What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone i know goes away in the end'

NIN - Hurt

Lost forever???

I had to lose the most amazing thing thats ever happened to me in order for me to realise 'WHAT THE FUCK! are you doing?'. Now that i understand, it doesnt sting that badly anymore. This was really the hardest lesson i couldve ever learnt, from relapse to suicidal, to hating everyone and everything to hating myself and i mean really fucking hating myself. Meddling and wollowing in my sadness and insecurities, drowning in all the remorse i feel, falling, falling, falling, deeper and deeper into the darkness, despair and uncertainty of addiction. No more love to balance this - only getting fucking darker and darker - deeper and deeper, more and more stuck in a fucking rut. You know all the sollutions to every single problem in your life yet you cant change a fucking thing untill you get out of this fucking addiction you so casually put yourself in again...

'I'm lying alone with my head on the phone Thinking of you till it hurts. I know you hurt too but what else can we do. Tormented and torn apart. I wish I could carry your smile and my heart for times when my life feels so low. It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring, when today doesn't really know'

Air Supply - All out of Love

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Good morning

How does a normal person start their morning, well i suppose it also involves a lot of yawning, but for the rest i can promise u it doesnt start this way; alarm goes off, push snooze cause you're not in the mood for this day! After the 2nd or 3rd snooze you eventually decide to lift your lazy ass; you roll abig fatty and start smoking alotta grass...
No milk or sugar so we'll have some bitter black tea, just to get some heat and sustanance in me, quick valium before your shower you start to take, halfway through the shower: ziing now i AM awake. Quickly get dressed and gel my hair cause its actually only for the next step that i care...
Get everything ready and get comfy on the loo,
its six in the morning and already opening your first bag is what you do. Losing yourself and alotta time before you have to leave for work just now, cause im not getting up due to having another bag: FUCKING WOW! So your session has been made longer and just makes getting up here and going to work so much freaking wronger...

'Get away from me. This isn't gonna be easy but I don't need you, believe me. Yeah, you got a piece of me, but it's just a little piece of me and I don't need anyone. And these days I feel like I'm fading away'

Counting Crows - Have You Seen Me Lately

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Success is the best revenge

So? Where do do you begin to pick up a life so fucked up and completely shredded, if you look at the situation the first thing that goes through your mind is: 'forget it'. Like i mean really fuck this mission completely and then when you look closer and you really start to see, then you start to realise that this can be done, its not gonna be easy and i promise you its not gonna be fun...
Baby steps is what i shud take, cause fuck while i sit down already into a sweat i break. But i know that i can and will lift myself out of this hole that myself i dug and deep, if i knew then what i know today the fucking shovel you could keep, maybe not cause i really needed this experience in a sick and twisted way to grow, and in alotta areas in my personality it really does show...
Now just to collect and gather everything ive learnt and picked up along the way; all that plus my passion, drive and just a bit of luck im gonna make it and not some day, soon and by soon i mean sooner what anyone will ever believe, their fucking jaws will hang on the ground if they see what im gonna achieve. Cause addiction showed me there is another way to survive and that for me is something towards i strive...

'For every million I make, another relative sues. Family fightin and fussin over who wants to invite me to supper. All the sudden, I got 90 some cousins; A half-brother and sister who never seen me or even bothered to call me until they saw me on TV. Now everybody's so happy and proud: I'm finally allowed to step foot in my girlfriends house'

Emimem - Marshall Mathers

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Oops

I can't give up and lose this fucking round, corny, cliche, weird or familiar as it may sound, slowly but surely im getting there - cause the thought of being stuck here for much longer ignites in me quite the scare! Yet, heroin got this alluring and enticing call and i mean after four days clean you really dont see the fucking point anymore...
The cleantime should motivate and pick you up, not in this reality, space and time will i have that luck. Its just so fucking convinient to forget how much energy you put into the last 3 days and how fucking draining all your desperate displays. Argueing with youself all fucking day long, so hard just trying to keep your head above water and strong...
Yet this little voice is knawing away at you, so what the fuck is there you can do? The fucking agruement in your head is getting crazy and huge, where you you find from yourself asylum or refuge. You really dont wanna fucking do this anymore and after cockblocking youself 10 times eventually you go and score...

'I love you for what I am not. I did not want what I have got. A blanket acne'ed with cigarette burns. Speak at once while taking turns. What is what i need. What is wrong with me. What is what i need'

Nirvana - Radio friendly shifter unit

Monday, 21 May 2012

Nice one brother

A new day has dawned on me? I must be an idiot not to see, i suppose if you want something bad enough it will come your way, but this has been a sick and twisted game i with myself played. For fuck sakes i shouldve stopped after round one cause doesnt matter who says what not even that was fun...
Thats actually when you taste it that you are scared, when for the first time you realise how the heroin has you ensnared. Cause for fucksuckes: its not cool to realise youve fallen fucking hard but in reality this is also where self-discovery starts. Deep inside who and what you you really are, polishing and grinding you down very, very far...
But somewhere down right at the bottom you will start to change, get strong, stand up and just be, your fucking eyes open for the first time in your life and you can really the truth and facts see, not just looking deep into life but also all the fine details start seeing. Waking and standing up to a new dimension of being, new life with all its shit: im ready, not just ready but also taking it fucking steady...

'this is the end my only friend, the end'
the end - the doors

Sunday, 20 May 2012

48 hours again

Body is bucked, bent and completely fucked, you can actually feel where the chemicals hardest struck, everything in me body feel out of place, i dont even have my normal fucking experession on my face, i am really sooooo fucking far from fine, and in my back it doesnt even feel like my own spine...
Kidneys are pumping with each intense beating of my heart, hey i may feel like shit but it is a fucking good start, just a fucking pity im on my way to work, and just that feeling alone want to make me go bezerk. It would be so fucking cool to be parking on the couch just chilling out, but fuck why cant i just have a peacefull cold turkey, whats this shit about...
I suppose it could have been alot worst cause i didnt have to use before leaving the house first? Thats quite the fucking bonus if you ask me, and i must be blind the real thruth not to see? After really wanting it very badly for sooo fucking long, on the other side i did come out strong...

'wake in a sweat again, another days been laid to waste, in my disgrace, stuck in my head again, feels like ill never leave this place, there's no escape. Im my own worst enemy'

linkin park - given up

Strange daze

When on the path of substance abuse you start to stray, that's when you start to give the power you have over your life away. You really trigger a part of yourself that really isnt you, from having fun to not having a fucking clue, romantasizing about suicide just not to be here, yet dying is what you fear...
So how badly can you fuck yourself up the arse, and to think this all started with something as 'innocent' as smoking grass. Thinking you're cool and being the man? Or was it cause you saw there was a way too close this popped up emotional worm can. So at the end of the day its actually a two way street. It made you look cool but in the bigger picture it also kept you on your feet...
So how fucked up must you be to accept this as your reality, come - lets quickly take a look and see. Never ever in your life has much been stable, dad was an alcoholic and that was; smack, bang - a label? Theres a million and one excuses you can make but at the end of the day there is just one right choice to take...

'A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.'

Oscar Wilde

Thursday, 17 May 2012

For fuck sakes!

Always walking and balancing on this thin fucking line, once a month would be alright but constantly and all the fucking time? This balancing act of yours is getting really fucking old and just too much, and everytime you lose balance and fuck out cause you get eager and then too fast you let go of the clutch...
Once again your wobbling?
How many times more can you let go, how many times my superiourity do i have to show, how about letting go for once and for all? Man after that life would be a fucking ball, how much shit do i still have to eat? Cause you can stop shovelling it cause i wont accept defeat...
Still wobbling?
This whole fucking life of mine - one huge fucking fight. For the love of god this shit cant be right? Give someone else some of this crap too, i cant be the only cunt that has to chew? One fucking day ill get there, not as if you actually give a shit or care...
Fuuuck! You are really wobbling!

' "Hey Judge! Shit on him!" Since, my friend, you have revealed your Deepest fear, I sentence you to be exposed before your peers. Tear down the wall!'

Pink Floyd - The trial (THE WALL)

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Past tense

Never ever will anyone ever understand how freaking badly i just want to completely leave my past behind, a totally and utterly fucked up life consisting of things more depressing and dissapointing than kind. Cause after literally throwing and wishing more than half your fucking life away, now you've got enough understanding so the thoughts of suicide are gone and now alive you want to stay. Suddenly the question emerges: What the fuck are you gonno do? Just stand still and take it while jumping up and down shouting, screaming and begging: HERE! HERE! Me again! please? Harder, stop fucking around and screw!...
FUCK YEAH! I finally got the sighn that this addiction is eventually over and done; from here on i can be free of this prison i so eagerly sighned myself up for and enjoy life for a moment or two and maybe even have some fun? Make up for all the time youve wasted and the life youve thrown away, make sure that not one bad or evil memory will wanna stay. My subconcious is building my reality, so its time for me the positive side of things to start and see....
For fuck sakes but how many times have you uttered these words to yourself before? Lets believe this really is it cause my body can take how many punhes more? Already all these little aches and pains im trying to wish away, and all i want to do is be healthy, happy and be alive for another day. Cause now that i chose to live and actually with my life achieve more, now for the first time im actually not looking forward to being found face face-first in a puddle of vomit on the bathroom floor...

'I'm doin' this for me, so fuck the world. Feed it beans, it's gassed up if it thinks it's stopping me. I'm a be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtably. And all those who look down on me, I'm tearing down your balcony'

Eminem - Not Afraid

Breakfast, food, sustanance, substance

Breakfast in a junkies house, not even scraps for a fucking mouse,
pawn your last valueables - atleast for food this time, doesnt leave
you feeling that guilty or if youve comitted a crime, but you end up
spending it on chocolate, you are fucked up and that is it...
Just cant get enough sustanance into my system, constantly starving
and dont know where to begin, stuffing my face with anything i can lay
my grubby little hands on, pot of oats - 5 minutes and its gone,
pasing up and down craving food, and know you have fuckall but you
have to make good...
Cause if these cravings get out of hand; then the result will be
something like a relapse and that much i understand. Rather feed this
demon with 'descently' earned chow and the occasional thing sweet, and
show yourself that through this you can make it and this cocksucking
demon you can beat. But for fuck sakes - where does all this shit end?
you cant just wave a magic wand to make it go away and that you're
better you definately cant pretend...

'Use just once and destroy. Invasion of our piracy. Afterbirth of a
nation. Starve without your skeleton key. I love you for what I am
not. I did not want what I have got. A blanket acne'ed with cigarette
burns. Speak at once while taking turns'

Nirvana - Radio friendly unit shifter