Fwd: Nirvana

After a huge arguments, a very shitty day and everything that someone who believes in or perceives right or wrong would take up as fucked up, i learnt the biggest lesson of love and respect due to all the 'wrong' of the day. Closed my eyes, opened my heart and touched what i can now understand how someone with a religious background would perceive as a meeting with 'god', in a presence of complete and pure love and forgiveness with just sooo much understanding. Not 3rd dimensional love that is hurtful, possessive or jealous, no, pure, pure unconditional love and understanding. Pure brilliant love, no right no wrong, no polarity, just balance, everything in sync with the extremely humbling feeling and presence I'm in. Tears streaming down my face, tears of joy, tears of understanding, tears from being touched by this purity. A deeper understanding emerges, everything is right, everything is one, different distortions of the infinite creator. Confusion leads to understanding, the 'law of confusion' or what we call the 'law of free will' is just a primary distortion of the law of one. The same as the urge to teach is also directly related to the urge to learn unless you're not learning what you teach - just another primary distortion of the law of one. Behind the veil of secrecy comes the opportunity of misunderstanding, hence learning and so figuring it out in an either positive or negative polarized society or collective consciousness, but as you move higher through the dimensions there is only balance, perfection, beauty, understanding. After opening my eyes and drying my tears i was staring at my feet into the distance, light, halo, yellow burn, sense of deja vu and now i cant look at anyone without seeing a halo around them, it sorta looks like they are quantum leaping and then the colors start 'burning' out the halo, the weirdest, strangest and most enlightening learning experience through love and true understanding and a willingness to know thyself and i mean truly know thyself. Love and understanding, pure cleansing and healing love. True and pure unconditional love for yourself, true and pure unconditional love for others and more importantly the service to others. On the highest level teaching thus learning is godliness at a very primary distortion. Love, love and more love.

'In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.'

Buddha

What the Fuck!?!

So fucking dazed and confused and not at all one fucking bit amused, all i want to do is blow out my fucking brain but im not even sure that will stop this pain? I dont know what the fuck this is that i feel but i promise you this shit is real. A million and one things on my mind and the thing that bothers me is the one fucking thing i cant find. Everything and everyone is just working on my nerves, fuck me sideways - this is someting that no one deserves. All i constantly want to do is just to fucking cry and i do not have the foggiest clue as to why? Even considering some smack to numb out the pain, fuck that shit! nope, not again - i'm not that insane!
Completely fucking lost in this ocean of uncertainty and all i want to know is what the fuck is wrong with me? People everywhere just driving me the fuck insane, hell man - one person does not deserve all this strain. I'm really not sure how much more shit i can take because somethings gonna give soon and i'm talking snap...shatter...break!
Doesnt matter how much grass i smoke this annoyance i cant ease, jesus fucking christ! I just want one single second of peace. Words can even come close to express what it is that im going through and no professional, no quack or shrink will be able to tell me what the fuck to do? Constantly on the verge but not losing my mind yet and not one single fucking tear to shed...

'By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.'

Confucius

Building block for a new world order

This disease has gotten to a point thats so far past and beyond mad, a reality that is more than sick, twisted, fucked up and way across the line of being sad. Pulling you way out of your true self and the bit of you thats left is so fucked and depressed and with a needle you are so fucking way past obsessed. Getting up and staying clean for a day or three - after putting yourself through all that shit you get up and use: any logic? Nope! Fuck me...
Im not sure if you should analyze the problem or just let go? Stop immediately and turkey your arse off or over a couple of days or wean it off and take it slow. The second option is just an excuse to fuck it up for a while longer; bullshitting yourself into believing it will keep your mind and body stronger? Not sleeping for the couple of days you dont use; then by using again you put yourself through that same fucking abuse, now once again youre fucking yourself over by being high so at night its just another form of sleep deprivation. God dammit, fuck me running! Heroin addiction in your life just causes devistation...
I mean laying down to pass the time before your next hit, while waiting these stupid fucking poems i write and thats about it. Watching the clock and waiting for an hour to pass, up and down, preoccupying time by cleaning, painting or smoking some grass. Life is really out of balance, shattered and a complete fucking waste, how much more sadness and misery do you want to experience and taste? Oh heroin the love of my life or should i call you my favorite lady smack? Definately far from a lady - god i would really love to get my fucking life back!!!


"Drugs are a bet with your mind."


Jim Morrison

so much shit over a sincere apology

I hope not once you doubted how much i love you, i hope u know that there is nothing ill ever refuse you. Sometimes the truth is more complicated than any lie youll ever find and not often does logic make a woman emotionally blind? It must've been very hectically in your face, the love of your life, the heroin-junkie, the big disgrace. The stigma attached is much stronger the the dreaded 'addict' before your name, but for fuck sakes why does everyone have to use it cause not everyone is the same...
Do you really think im gonna die a statistic, fuck that shit - ill rather suck a huge black dirty dick. The harder i get punched to the ground, the greater does the challenge of getting up sound. No one tells me that im not capable of stopping this shit, they can go and fuck themself with a big elephant dick and that is it. The faster and harder you kick me to the ground, everytime it will be faster and harder - the me getting up sound...
Like a rocket struggling just to get in the air, but once im up and going the people who know me are usually in for a huge fucking scare cause amition and inspiration fucking oozes out of me, and any motherfucker that knows me can this part see. Yet when my mind starts to have its annual wake, then dumd cunt me: a hit ill take. All that effort and hard work straight to the fucking floor, and then shit, debt, hate pain and suffering just gets more...
Youve changed me forever angel

'I'm not a perfect person, There's many things I wish I didn't do. But I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go: That I just want you to know - I've found a reason for me, To change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is you'

Hoobastank - The Reason

Soooo?

Wake, bake then the days first mistake,
blissed, no pissed cause the fucking vein you missed! Confused, and not at all fucking amused hey fuck atleast yo used. Junkie mentality, let it be? Open your eyes and for once the truth you will see. Rock then roll and afterwards to the devil you sell your soul. Chase, base and when its done of tour cash there is no fucking trace. Come clean, how long has it been since your true self you have seen. Well, burn in hell, i suppose only time will tell...

'Lose not yourself in a far off time, seize the moment that is thine.'

Friedrich Schiller

Very deep, huge creep, lack of sleep

I am stoned and a negative creep, scars in me life dug very deep, sitting and nodding on my way to my work every day, fortunately a little bit of the buzz will stay: untill about half of my shift has passed, then prayer, medication and perseverance will help me last. So much shit, so much frustation, i really wish i could say it was an over-exaggeration. This heap of shit the smack caused here, i wonder what it would take to sort out this shit complete and clear. Wake up anxious as can be, then only with heroin inflicted tunnel vision you can see. Your bodys not sore but your mind is racing, this is a huge fucking dilemma i am facing. All i want to do is blow out my fucking brain but to the one person that cares about me this will cause alot of pain. I mean hes seen our mom and dad both die, i cant be the reason for him again to cry. The rest of everyone can all go and fuck themselves hard, there is so much more they can do but thats a start. All the fuckers that pretend to be concerned, love and care; go to fucking hell, do us all a favor and stay there....


'An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.'

Mahatma Gandhi

Here we go again...and again, and again, and again and...

Do you see a fucking pattern emerging, can you see that absolutely no happiness it can and will bring. How fucking hard can it be to stick to a single choice you make? How much more punch can this body of yours take. Yet you constantly you fuck it up and fuck around, dont even let anyone convince you that like fun this does sound. I stroll through hell is what you are taking, a fuckup of your life is what you are making. Picking yourself up and then falling fucking hard: then you are stuck again right at the start...
So how are you gonna get out of the spiral this time? How are you gonna pick up everything and make it all fine? Why the fuck do you think you are soo bloody clever? Dont you understand the meaning of not again ever?


'An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.'

Buddha

Moving forward

Its about letting go of these defuncked and broken pieces that you've adopted along the way that no longer work for you, its about taking the lessons youve learnt on the path you took and having a complete understanding towards them is what you need to do, its about resetting your mind and having a complete makeover of your reality, its about creating a balance in your life so for once you can just be, its about releasing all the negative energy that youve built up in your life, its about getting rid of all this self-inficted fucked up shit that in your world is so rife...
But how do you get rid of all this fucking crap? but how do you let go and take what is yours back? How do you gather the pieces of a life that blew up, shattered and splintered and then paste it back together? How in the name of god do you make sure it sticks forever? How do you balance on this tightrope without once again falling? How the fuck do you make sure you dont end up back in a hole where the only way out is crawling???
To move forward so much strenght and energy does it take, to fuck out again completely only one wrong choice you have to make. Everything you picked up can be dropped and shattered with one single slip, before you realise youre sitting on the loo and from your arms the blood does once again drip. So simple to stay on the path narrow and straight, yet when the thought of using wins you cant fucking wait; to take a gamble with all the strenght you have built over what feels like years and then another explosion, a relapse and a manifestation of all your fears...
Once again, you are adrift...


'Thanks for your time and you can thank me for mine, and after thats said, forget it.'

Rodriguez - Thanks for your time

Dong-dong-motherfuckers-ding-dong!!

Every-fucking-thing that i write always sounds the same, maybe its cause of the way all the chemicals burnt my brain. Or maybe i should work in my vocabulary, then a slight difference ill start to see. Cant blame the drugs for everything that goes wrong, youll only start to see what i mean if youve been using just as long. I could blame it cause its quite a convenient escape hatch, but then to me there would even be a bigger stigma from which i need to detach...
Already billed and labelled as a junkie of note, all the negative shit thats been said i cant even quote. Not cause im embaressed or cause its not true but cause there is really too much to remember mind you. You actually get used to it after a while, you dont even get pissed off anymore you rather react with a smile. True as hell some of the things about myself that i hear, when some people see me no wonder they react with fear...
Holding their phones and their wallets they hold onto so tight, not all addicts steal you cunts; get your facts right. I suppose all this shit comes with the territory - just remember theres an exception to every rule and to this rule its me. Try to explain it to all the narrow-minded cunts out there, especially the hippocrates that pretend to care. To your face their all nice and a smile plastered on their face - not even two steps away and theyll tell everyone 'god that junkies such a disgrace'. But what the fuck can i do about it?...Well?...to all you two faced fuckers: eat shit!!!


'Take your time, think alot. Why think of everything youve got. For you may still be here tomorrow but your dreams may not.'

Cat Stevens - Father and Son

subutex for breakfast, suboxone for supper and heroin for a snack

Sometimes its so fucking hard to stay true too who you really are, its like looking at a distant galaxy or star. Wishing that you could get back to where it all began, instead of saying yes i maybe I shudve ran? As fast as my short and stubby legs wud carry me and this big fucking cloud of dust is all u would see. Running to get away from all your shit, sounds good but no real sollution is it. Its just so fucking hard to face this shit on a daily basis, like being lost in the dessert and looking for an oasis, lips chapped and dry, so fucking over it your about to cry, you look up and what do you see, fuck me sideways - could it be. Running towards what you see as your saviour, so glad all this shit you did persevere. Do a backflip to land in the water, just to get over this fucking torture. Ending up with a mouth full of sand and you are even more dry, for fuck sakes its so easy to relapse - but why?


'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'

Billy Wilder

Google

So hard do you beg for strenght and for mercy, cause all i want is to kick this fucking habit and go back to being just me. No chasing the clock for your next score, cause all that brings in anyway is just this huge want for more. Cant go on living your life just running after a your next fucking hit, and all it causes is hate, anger, frustration and alotta other unneccasary shit. You know every single complication and yet you cant get yourself to stop? You are literally turning your everything into an even bigger flop...
So fucking confusing is this dilemma you are facing, the complications and cravings are even worse than basing. One fucking hit and all your hard work goes down the drain, and your life returns to misery and pain. How the fuck does this shit in any way make sense, the only thing im sure of is that it leaves you so fucking tense. You know what happens if this one single bad choice you make yet unconciously you make a choice your sober streak to break...
I know that other people think you are fucked up, stupid and wasted, to go back to all this pain and misery youve tasted. Yet when then somthing inside you gets a hold of your personality, and this motherfucker just cant let you be. No it has to give you a push right back into the abyss - and of all your hard work it has to take thw piss. I wonder if there is a 'right way' to get it right to quit? And if there is god dammit when will i find it???


'As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.'

Mel Brooks

AaAaAaAlriIiItythen

You dont get a bigger fucking waste of time than shooting smack, from taking a hit and being out to just wanting more just like my old friend: crack. Whether you only took your first hit or youre fucked up and on the floor, the only fucking thing on you mind is more, more and more. I think enough is when you are in your grave but till then still youll be this bitches' slave. Riding you harder and harder from morning to night and doesnt matter what you do it doesnt feel like youll ever win this fight..
Getting up round after fucking round, stupid and fucked up as it might sound. Maybe you should just stay down an lay still for a while, pretend to be dead and swallow your smile. Maybe thats when the reaper will leave you alone, pretend to be dead while you are in a zone. Maybe than hell go and bother someone else for a change thus giving you time your strategy to rearrange. Try and bullshit yourself out of this one, god dammit that sound like alotta fun. Not in the mood to fight this fight, not in the mood to do things right. So you con yourself out of this fucking hole, only a fucking addict would have such a fucking goal...


'Finding some quiet time in your life, I think, is hugely important.'

Mariel Hemingway

Control zero

Self-control has left the buulding and im completely lost, sweats at night yet it feels like my core is covered in frost, the more gear i pump into my veins, the more i get of these fucking pains. I know its common sense for any junkie, so dont think im a stupid cunt or a retarded monkey. Just not in the mood for typing any more, brain is bruised, battered and fucking sore. Yet im sitting typing away, waiting for what...? A better day...
Those dont just come as gifts and presents on your birthday, you earn it by wishing your fucking life away. After so much praying and so many years, the come after youve spilled millions of tears. Sobriety doesnt just come in a day but in one second you can make it go away. It all depends on the choices you make and how tough you are, its got fuckall to do with wishing on a star...
So much hard work and effort does it take, so many promises you have to break. To yourself and to all those around - i know cruel it does sound, but its this huge fucking learning process, and losing everyone you love really does depress. Yet its a road you have to walk, and its tarred with all the bullshit that you talk. But its something you have to do, to turn into who you have to be its a process you have to go through...


'Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.'

Ralph Waldo Emerson

And yet another fuck that

Pain, anger, frustation and feelings of being lost in different ways and im talking plenty, caused by living in a world with stupid fucking people and im talking with heads completely empty. Common sense is really not that fucking common anymore, wish i could kick them down and with their heads mop the fucking floor. I suppose thats why heroin suits me so fucking well, all the anger and frustration i can express and really very well. So fucking tired of everyone and all this petty shit, thats the bottom line - yes thats about it...
So why are everyone so fucking naive and uppity ass? Why not just chill out, enjoy life and have a fucking blast? So much shit over absolutely nothing at all, make a mountain out of a moleheap so minute and small? Maybe everyone should just be addicted one time before they die, then theyd realise its unnecassary shit over which they cry. Maybe im just too relaxed and chilled, and seeking attention doesnt get me thrilled...
So within who does the faults manifest, dont look at me cause im so much better than the rest. If you can put the junk addiction aside, and your mistakes you should not hide. Human we all are and in so many ways the same, and iis bad if a heroin addict puts you to shame. Where the fuck does your self-esteem lay if all this petty shit makes you cry. I think attention is what you are looking for - ive given you enough and from me youre not getting any more...

'Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one.'

John Lennon - Imagine

Formula 1

Chasing wind, running wild, what ever happened to that sweet and innocent child?
Oh yes, life happend and fucked him over, no more red rover, red rover. Fear, hate, destruction and anarchy, yip thats what happened to me. Innocence lost but never found, maybe with a stroke of luck this time round???
Cant even say that i had dreams that were shattered, not that it actually ever fucking matterd. Just a balance and normality is what i strive for, i mean why do you want more? Only reason i can imagine is so that you think you are better than the rest, good-fucking-luck and i wish you all the best. What is important to you in your eyes, and then you wake up and you get a huge fucking surprise...
Chasing status, eternal youth and all that un-important shit, everyone gets old and fucked and thats about it. The shit your after takes you further away from the real you, im a druggie and my opinion doesnt count so what can i do? Every step you take to 'improve' the person inside, actually removes you and gives you more layers of shit in which to hide. See how far you can lose the true you, and then see how hard yourself you can screw...
Im not looking for a fucking cure, all i want to do is get rid of all these fucked up scenarios, return to myself and be pure...


'A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road.'

Henry Ward Beecher

Truth or dare

To always be the ass is what im used to, so what the fuck else can i do? Writing mindless poems all day long, pretending to be so fucking strong. People just work on your nerves all fucking day, i wish the cocksuckers would just go away, but that lucky i wont be, it would be easier for them the truth to see. So fucking ridiculous in their ways, serving themselves heaps of shit on silver trays. Made me realise i dont a fuck belong, so maybe the should realise their ways are wrong...
Hell will freeze over before that does materialize, god how much more will these people despise, who i am and what i stand for, god their mentality is below the floor. Well fuck em all i would say, let me have another miserable day, yet in still happier than what theyll ever be, god i wish they would take off their blindfolds and just look and see. Well what the fuck is there left to say or do, if you dont like or agree with me: well then FUCK YOU!!!

'All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.'

T. E. Lawrence

Valium oh valium or is that pax?

Getting 100% clean and sober is a bit harsh to do in one go but there is no use in taking it slow - otherwise its so fucking easy to fall back, slip straight back into that deep crack. Or is it a spiral spinning wild and out of control, devouring you chunk by chunk untill it eats away at your soul. Body is going one way and that is down, funny cramps everywhere but still you go on like a clown. Moving away from the needle is already such a bitch thing to do, yet that one teeny tiny step back to it is the hardest yourself you can screw. You can feel your lungs burning while you chase and in the back of you head the thought is spinning 'what a waste'. Longing to shoot up just one more time, trying to bullshit yourself things will be fine? How fucking stupid can you be, youve walked that road and the outcome you did see, not good in any way and at all, clucking your ass of and for those who dont know thats withdrawel. Fuck i need to get out of this hole, for years and years being clean has been my goal. Yet im bullshitting myself every day, trying to cockblock myself in every possible way. Dumb fucking ass, no tablets - no grass. People who has never had this problem will never be able to understand, how much shit this bad habit of you demand. Most days all you wanna do is blow out your brain cause this fucking habit drives you insane. Death is too easy, take my word for it and trust me. I have to get over this shit and move on, forget about this shit and make everything right that is wrong. Easier said than done, fucking difficult and no fun. Yet its something i have to do, take it on head first and stick it through. But how???


'By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest'

Confucius

Fuckt

Falling deeper and deeper, feels like opiates are my keeper, closer and then futher away from myself a catch22 and that any blind man can see, really dont have a fucking clue as what i want to be. Life empty and hollow, all that was good addiction did swallow. How will i ever pick up the splinters of me, how the fuck will i ever just be? Cant tell the difference between hunger and craving, so fucking low down for the first time in my life im not even shaving. Always taking care of this hollow shell, if i dont people will be able to tell, that ive got this demon inside of me and that i dont want anyone to see...
Yet its getting difficult to supress the side part inside, dont even know why im trying to hide, who the fuck am i tring to impress, not one fucking personn could care less. If i could just figure out what the fuck i want of life and what life wants of me, maybe then the light i will see. But untill then if i didnt love myself so much suicide would be ontop of the list, fuck life, fuck love, fuck heroin and im talking with a fist...
No lube, no reacharound, cruel and cold as it may sound. So much pain caused by those three, yet the final choice to be happy is up to me, so what the fuck should i do, how the hell all this shit do i unscrew. Untill then just falling and falling, i must make a choice out of this hole to start crawling. But how the FUCK, I NEED MORE THAN LUCK...

Fuck life, fuck people, fuck everyone

Sick and fucking tired, over being wired, fedup of being admired, on a buzz, life is a daze and a fuzz, being clean and sereen is harder than what addiction has ever been, dont get me misquote me, its quite nice to be free, but life snags you around every turn, make sure you fucking burn...
All you want to do is run back, get some smack; open and attack, but think about how much in your life its taken, shattered and shaken. Raped, hurt and broken, your bleeding stomach is the token...
Intestines are fucked, yet you still see it as luck, so much has gone, started losing yourself from day one. A moment of realisation is worth a thousand prayers, sad but true: no one cares. No one actually gives a fuck so if you wanna depend on people YOU ARE OUT OF LUCK...

'I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you'

'Linkin Park - Numb

Deeper and darker

Meds to get you high, meds so it doesnt feel like you die, meds so that you dont break down and cry, meds so your fucking head doesnt lie - what the fuck...
Meds to take away the detox, meds to take away system shock, meds so you dont want dreadlocks, meds to take away all the blocks - what the fuck...
So much tablets to take, so much strenght to fake, so many bad habits to break, i mean for fuck sakes - and you think you have issues...

'try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side'

The doors - Break on through