Friday, 28 May 2010


This is no fucking way to go through life-always craving,
This is no way to go through the world-always misbehaving,
Every morning waking up at four
Every morning whining your sleep could be more
How many times can you be depressed in one day?
How many more times times can you wish it away?
So ho many white lies can you tell,
Not even mentioning all the times you have fell,
But hey-one day im definitely gonna get it right,
For a last time put up a huge fucking fight,
The good thing is all the character and strenght you gain,
Going hand and hand with all the persnality disorders and strain, to that battle every drop of energy i'll have to add,
And I know for a fact its gonna be bad,
But hey-what the fuck else is there to do,
Sit down and go-boo hoo!
Not me, not a fuck,
Too much already the life of a smackhead really suck...

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this is slowly take me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.
i just want something i can never have.
in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.

i just want something i can never have

Something I can never have-NIN

Thursday, 27 May 2010


So many threats of you heart stopping beating,
So fucking worried that you changed your way of eating?
Started out not giving a fuck what you eat,
Then suddenly you gave up meat,
Why?because its not good for you?
No because you feel so powerless you don't know what else to do, creating a perfectly costructed lie you live every day, trying to hide the bad and wishing it would just go away,
Every bit as powerless as you feel, and I can promise you it is real, so lost in every fucking way,shape and form, fearing and hating everything about the norm. Health feels like its hanging on a single thread, fortunately you're not gone-not yet. So how far lost can one person be, just get hooked to smack and you'll see, or rather not and just take the word of a junkie, or don't-and on your back you'll end up with a monkey, that won't easily get off-not without adding to your life a lot of pain and if you don't have a lot of strenght you might just end up insane..

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Never care, always there.

I don't think you will ever know,
How inside you this disease can grow
and blow up in all different proportions
Whilst leaving millions of fucked up distortions,
Abstracting your mind in all different ways,
Leaving the marks of wasted emotional displays,
Every thought you have and hold,
Reminds and reflects on lies you've told,
Or older ladies for money to screw,
Hey! I was young-what to do?
One day ill make amends for all that crap,
But until the my conscience won't be a trap,
I won't let it dominate my every step of the way,
Cause ill sort it out-some day.
Until then I won't make the same mistake,
And be more careful in what activities I partake.
So why am I moaning and going on
And where does this sudden conscience blast come from?
I dunno, I dunno, I dunno-don't care,
But maybe I could or should beware,
Or just pretend not to give a fuck,
Cause tomorrow once again ill have better luck-
Or let me rephrase my good luck will return,
And forget about the fact that for all my sins I will burn...

Was it a huntsman or a player
That made you pay the cost
That now assumes relaxed positions
And prostitutes your loss?
Were you tortured by your own thirst
In those pleasures that you seek
That made you Tom the curious
That makes you James the weak?

Crucify your mind-Rodriguez


How much of your wretched life can there actually be left,
When from noon to night you think about your death.
Dreaming about it morning and night,
Anytimes cool,even now is alright
Fantasizing in so many different ways-
You see the end result your just not sure about the plays.
The most fucked up part is it's not bothering me at all-
Rather that than going through another case of withdrawal.
Sad and fucked up as it might sound,
It sound much easier than coming around.
Being more worried about the couple of people left behind,
Can this fucking white powder make you so amazingly blind-
To everything in this world:good and pure?
There's not much of that left-rather focus on finding a cure.
Optimistic people will say shit like-there is always hope,
Maybe you'll feel that way if you had enough dope to smoke
Case from where I'm standing I can't seem to see,
Where all the hope could actually be.
So forget about that and focus on'just for today'
Fuck off and stop being so cliché...
With undertones of smack on my breath every day,
How easy would it be to make all this shit go away?

I am buried up to my neck in
Contradictionary lies
I take pride as the kind of illiterature
I'm very ape and very nice

If you ever need anything please don't hesitate
to ask someone else first
I'm too busy acting like I'm not naive.
I've seen it all I was here first

Very ape-NIRVANA

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Good news?

Whenever I get to subject I usually lose the plot,
Is it for a reason-or is it not?
How much more of this plot losing can I go through,
What the fuck else is there left to do?
Stupid fucking poems always running through my mind,
And yes I have the audacity to think I am one of a kind?
Never understanding what it is all about,
All there is left to do is to fucking shout.
What the fuck is going on in my head,
Lots of sad thoughts-pretending to be happy instead.
Always trying hide this disease that's riding me so hard-
Will I ever be able to discard?
Always nodding, eyes rolling to the back of my head-
Rain or shine this craving has to be fed,
Money, possessions whatever the cost-
Just try to make sure you as a person or your morals don't get lost, one bad choice quickly leads to an even worse one,
And before you even notice-your self-respect is gone.

'Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit tonight'

Breaking the habit-linkin Park

Monday, 17 May 2010

Just go with it

Always feels like I'm running out of things to write, then I get into a huge fucking fight, always in one fucking day, it always happens in a new way, light is coloring every corner of my soul, always completely losing control, so many things to say, all being said in the same way. Does it make sense to you, what the fuck is there left to do. So much sense can be stumbled upon in this disease, so many answers if you please? They all think I'm a crazy ass, I used to be when I smoked glass. Now I am quite stable, not very willing and able, yet I try to be there, yet death gives me a scare, sometimes I want to die, other times the thought make me cry, not for me or my being, but for the ones left seeing, what mess I left behind, and that I really wasn't that kind. What the fuck is going on in my head? That is just enough said...

"What we've got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can't reach...
So, you get what we had here last week
Which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N' I don't like it any more than you men."

Civil war-Guns'n'Roses??

What is it with a subject?

So for how long can you go on fucking up this badly?
If you think about it-till you drop dead; quite sadly.
So how many times can you try to quit?
That is up to how many times you fail and that's quite a bit.
So why do you put yourself through this?
That my friend is part of a bigger quiz,
Questions and answers lost in this fight,
The tug of war just to come right.
Every day you win-just for a while,
Then the addiction fights back and fucks you with a style.
So what the fuck is the moral of the story?
If you think about it-no guts no glory,
Or is it just- how full of shit can one person be?
I don't know- lets just wait and see...

Sugar man, won't you hurry
'Cos I'm tired of these scenes
For a blue coin won't you bring back
All those colours to my dreams
Silver magic ships you carry
Jumpers, coke, sweet Mary Jane

Sugar man-Rodriquez


Every day is just a bigger fucking struggle than before,
Every next day the promises just get more,
Today-I promise to myself:this is it,
Im flushing all my stash and not even taking a final hit?
Ok, maybe no flushing-that's a bit drastic,
Lets make this the last time we get spastic!
So what am I gonna do tomorrow morning when I wake?
Have a smoke up session-a bit of a bake!
Anything to kill this anxiety brewing within me,
Cause you must be an idiot not to see-
You are entering your week of hell
And experience says you are NOT gonna be well.
From aches to cramps,nausea,spasms and no fucking sleep,
Holy shit-how can this hole feel so deep?
Every day just gets worse than before,
How the fuck can this pain still get more?
How freaking long has this been-not even a hour?
It hasn't even started yet and already im lacking the power,
All this is in your mind-the most powerful tool-
And so brilliant it can make you the fool.
So when are you gonna have the power to quit?
Hold on there cowboy-just wait a little bit.
Maybe if I go on my knees and real hard I pray,
Ill wake up in the morning and all this shit has gone away...

Now you sit there thinking feeling insecure
The mocking court gesture (jester) claims there is no proven cure
Go back to your chamber, your eyes upon the wall
'Cos you got no one to listen, you got no one to call
And you think I'm curious

Drifting, drowning in a purple sea of doubt
You wanna hear she loves you,
but the words don't fit the mouth
You're a loser, a rebel, a cause without
But don't think me callous

Dancing Rosemary, disappearing sister Ruth
It's just your yellow appetite
that has you choking on the truth
You gave in, you gave out, outlived your dream of youth
And I can't get jealous

So go on, you'll continue with your nose so open wide
Knocking on that door that says Hurry come inside
But don't bother to buy insurance 'cos you've already died
And you can't be serious

I saw my reflection in my father's final tears
The wind was slowly melting, San Francisco disappears
Acid heads, unmade beds, and you Woodward world queers
I know you're lonely...

Thanks for your time
And you can thank me for mine
And after that's said
Forget it.

Jane S. Piddy-Rodriguez

Saturday, 15 May 2010

Violence is not an answer?

How much hate can one single person carry?
How much anger can that same fucking person bury?
To what extent can all this shit make your inners corrode?
And how much more before you eventually explode?
Then eventually blowing your fucking top,
Looking for the first motherfucker to drop,
Face first into the fucking ground-
How strangely therapeutic does that sound?
All this hate and frustration out in a single yet deadly blow,
Then kicking in his face-nice and slow.
Or maybe you can talk this out over a nice cuppa tea?
But I can guarantee you afterwards you won't feel free,
Not free from all this hate and anger I mentioned at the start
Clogging your mind and upping the rate of your heart.
So what sounds like the best option to you-
Cause for every punch you throw some asshole will sue...

You wanta antagonize me
Antagonize me motherfucker
Get in the ring motherfucker
And I'll kick your bitchy little ass

Get in the ring-Guns'n'Roses

Crazy is?

Everyone in this freaking world has lost their fucking mind and that is from me when im being kind? If you had to see it through these schmangled eyes of mine, you would realise sommewhere you have to draw the line. How long can you go on chasing hot air, how much further before you realise there is nothing there, common sense doesn't seem to be that common anymore and to money and the system everyone is a whore. Do they really want to spend their lives chasing simple measly possessions and just having to sell it again and cry about it in the midst of the recession. Having conversations about designers and money, they all think they are so classy yet I think they are funny. I wish one day they could just open their fucking eyes, man would they be in for a huge freaking surprise. These snobbish bastards walk past me and look at me as though I am a piece of shit, maybe they should do a bit of a moral inventory and then realise they are not it. After a bit of self study they will see it is acually much better to be me...

This is out of our rage... and it's grown
This is getting to be outta control
I'm a negative creep and I'm stoned

Negative creep- NIRVANA

Friday, 14 May 2010

Recovering the satellites

Gonna get back to basics
Guess I'll start it up again
I'm fallin' from the ceiling
You're falling from the sky now and then
Maybe you were shot down in pieces
Maybe I slipped in between
But we were gonna be the wildest people they ever hoped to see
Just you and me
So why'd you come home to this sleepless town
It's a lifetime commitment
Recovering the satellites
All anybody really wants to know is...
when you gonna come down
Your mother recognizes all you're desperate displays
and she watches as her babies drift violently away
Until they see themselves in telescopes
Do you see yourself in me?
We're such crazy babies, little monkey
We're so fucked up, you and me
So why'd you come home to this faithless town
Where we make a lifetime commitment
to recovering the satellites
and all anybody really wants to know is...
when are you gonna come down
She sees shooting stars and comet tails
She's got heaven in her eyes
She says I don't need to be an angel
But I'm nothing if Im not this high
But we only stay in orbit
For a moment of time
And then you're everybody's satellite
I wish that you were mine

Recovering the satellites-Counting Crows

Thursday, 13 May 2010


This fucked up life of mine is once again spiralling out of control, being the closet-junkie that I am-I can't tell a freaking soul. Always having to tell a white lie or two about what is going on hear, never being able to mention my big health fear, so why this huge struggle within , shit man- where the fuck do I begin, maybe I prefer it this way and maybe I think sometime it will just go away. How lucky do I think ill be, well we could wait and see, see how much time I have left to live, how much more money I have to give, so what choice can we make, how much more trust can we break, forgiveness used to be in the order of the day, now the people just wish you will go away. So not caring about anything at all, wait let me rephrase only caring about withdrawel, how much fun is there left, I don't know can we include running away after theft? Im just joking: that's not my style- well atleast it hasn't been for a while...

' Just down the street from your hotel, baby
I stay at home with my disease
And ain't this position familiar, darling
Well, all monkeys do what they see
Help me stay awake, I'm falling...'

counting crows-perfect blue buildings


As fucking crazy as it might sound, one of these daze I could just come round-back into life and then what the fuck, to survive in this crazy corrupt workd you need more then luck. Swopping being broke and craving all the time for not making ends meet and wishing till the end of the month there is less time. The first option sounds crappy as hell and to the second option there is a horrid smell. It doesn't sound like there is a way to win so I might as well give up before I begin, or is that the cowards way of doing stuff? I thought this heroin addiction made you tough? Or at least tougher than the rest, or does it just kill all lifes zest. How much longer can you inflict this pain, its no longer about being main. This thing has grown and bitten you on the ass and its much harder to kick than smoking grass. Not just in the body but also deep inside your head, sometimes you think you would be better off dead...

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
NIN Hurt

Same day-different shit

At any given moment there is about two million thoughts running through my head,but trying 2 put them down on paper just rapes them and leaves them for dead? How much more pain and suffering can one person inflict in his own life, well in the kingdom of the junkie: hurt and anger is rife, everyday worrying about death knocking on your door but you won't be lucky enough being found on the bathroom floor, always on your mind that your heart is gonna stop-over and over and over again but no drop. Day in and day out the ideas are always the same, this twisted rush sort off becomes like a sick game. How many more times can you see your death in your own mind, how much more scares and dissapointments will you find, of having to live yet another day, fucking up over and over again just in a different many times can one person wish away this gift called life we receive, and in one lifespan how many different people can I try to decieve. Crazy and stupid as it may sound, some day-not today though, I may still come round...

Teenage angst has paid off well
Now I'm bored and old
Self-Appointed judges judge
More than they have sold

serve the servants-NIRVANA

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Fucking subjects!

One day i'll sort my head out? After I get what life is about. How fucking insane that may seem, I know i'll get a chance my soul to redeem. I'll be free in more ways than one, have a new life minus the fun? Crazy as it may sound-both feet planted firmly on the ground. Head in the stars-far up and away, that should happen sometime-but not today. So what the fuck else is there left to say, after fucking up your life so intricately-just for today?

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezeburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

All apologies-NIRVANA

Monday, 3 May 2010

Flushed away

Every single day, as time ticks away, closer 2 the end, how much longer can I pretend, to be clean and serene, do you know what I mean? These crappy poems are driving me insane, but that is all that's jumping around in my brain. Every second and all the time, could it get more annoying-I could start to mime. Is there any sense in it at all, we'll see when we get to withdrawal. Does this shit make any sense to you? Neither to me but what the fuck can I do. The only way to get rid of it is to let it out, writing it down is much better than to scream and shout???

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Drain me?

Waisting time waiting to score, always wanting and getting more. How much time can one person spend, waiting for shit with what reality can bend. Every craving worse than before, at least im not yet curled up on the floor, crying for the pain to go away, rather be hooked for another day. Sad and lonely as it may sound, it kinda keeps my feet on the ground. Why the fuck would you want to be this way? It keeps the reality checks at bay. A harder shittier life you won't ever find, coulored with a backdrop filled with this inner grind. At least its building character day by day, to you it might sound easier if it would just go away.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
Cat Stevens-Father and son

Saturday, 1 May 2010


If only you could comprehend the frustration, the powerlessness, the anger and pain in your every step, the weight you carry, the heightened emotions, the length of the fuse that is connected to this huge overloaded, very tightly compressed heap of bad negative emotions that is blowing up inside you more and more as every day progresses more and more in size and more and more in how dangerous the explosion will be when it will finally be released on some poor asshole that does not expect not to mention does not deserve it. Pain tearing you open with every single step you take, every single empty promise you make, every emotion-happy or sad you fake. Knowing that you have the trust of the masses and yet it hangs by a single thread, having to go against everything you stand for and lie to protect and build on the trust that you have lied so hard to get, not that you don't deserve it but if you told the truth no one would ever believe you-not soon anyway. If it sound confusing to you then imagine how fucking confusing it feels to me to live this lie every single day of my miserable freaking life. Not to know what to expect, every time you hear your name you don't know if you should say-didn't see anything, didn't do anything and I wasn't even there when it happened or just respond by saying yes present, what the fuck am I on about, is it completely senseless or is there a certain depth to this that only some of us would ever be capable to understand-you be the judge, just don't think your opinion will make a difference to my way of thinking...

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy


these freaking titles are still killing me?

Not ever being able to undersrand,
what it is this life demand.
All this shit every fucking day,
over and over just in a different way.
These fucking corny poems I write,
I should actually keep them out of sight
of anyone and everyone that can read
or is this a way to succeed?
All these questions are messing with my mind, where on earth the answers will I find? What else is there left for me to do,someone else will sit on a heap and go boo-hoo. All this shit i've gone through has made me so strong, that I think any other way is wrong. How the fuck can I change the way I think, cause all this shit is pushing me to the brink, would rather end it all than to go through another case of withdrawel. How sick and twisted can one mind be, start using smack and you'll see. Is it worth all this shit? Trust me not even a little bit...

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

Enigma-Return to innocence