Denial

You are sooo hectically in denail, how can you look at yourself in the mirror and still smile, so sick and twisted are you in the fucking head, that you can live life and pretend you dont have one single regret? You ARE the fucking man, the one who is constantly making a plan, even just your first fix for the day to score; and after that you make a bigger and better plan just to get more. So you still don't think you are a junkie? Well most people who know u think you're a stupid fucking monkey. But noooo: you are always and forever right - i dont even know why you bother to fight. Just admit it and they will all go away, leaving you with so much more time to play. Get yourself in a buzz and stay there all day long - god dammit this can't be that wrong...

'Itls funny how my memory skips, while looking over manuscripts of unpublished rhymes'
Simon and Garfunkel - A hazy shade of winter

Rolling stones

So far away from where you are supposed to be, is it actually ridiculous if yourself you could see - except for the fact that you look like a fucking lollipop: Everythng is fucked up and u still have no reason too stop? Everythings' spiralled out of control again and burst apart, god dammit it feels like you've torn all the veins in your heart...
So how do u break down these layers of protection, cause i'll laugh at you if u told me you'll turn it into affection. Going through life with repressed hate and anger, god if you don't make a plan even your health will be in danger. Do i even make sense in any display or shud i just: shut up, fuck off and go away?

'Rape me, rape me my friend
Rape me, rape me again'
Nirvana - Rape me

Stoned, stoner, me

How uncomplicated is this life when you are always and forever stoned out of your mind, how much easier is it for you, your centre or your chi to find. Not actually giving a continental blue shit about the rest, and not even worrying about doing and giving your best. Taking a leasurely stroll down this long and dark road, all you want to do is get home so another bong u can load...
Stimulating in a thousand and one ways to smoke weed, almost like meditating when you clean the ganja up and untill you take out that last seed. Then quickly a fatty u twist, cause for blazing it up no oppertunity ever gets missed. Magical noise of taking taht first hit and then savoring it bit by bit, or if you are a pig like me? Quikly roll and smoke another five maybe even seven, nicely stoned - still on earth but it feels more like heven...
All the shit and rough edges has been smoothend out of your way and then you can actually for once just relax and enjoy the day. Take things slowly and just live 4 the now, take care of yourslf and have a decent chow. Chill out and regain all your strenght: cause the time between your morning and aftrnoon boat is quite of length..
But then again after after a long and fucked up day - i wont be the one that would no to a nice big fatty say. So what the hell the moral of the story? While you still have a severe case of morning glory: its plain and simple - wake and bake, just those rushing thoughts of the new day to break. Rounding off all of lifes edged - yes u heard correctly; that is what i said, and then you dive straight back into your still warm and comfy bed...
Then think of all the qaulity time that you have wasted, while you could've been sitting whilst good grass you savoured and tasted...

'Excuse me while I light my spliff; Good God, I gotta take a lift: From reality I just can't drift;That's why I am staying with this riff.
Take it easy; Lord, I take it easy! Take it easy

Bob marley - Easy Skanking

Fucked again

It's not about when and why you start, its not about how the process makes u extremely hard, its not about losing yourself in a million and one ways, its not about recoveries' sparkling displays, it has fuck-all to do with winning or losing, but it's all about what life you are choosing...
Distroying your life in a million ways, wasting much more than just days, burning your braincells one by one - atleast that part of the process is a lot of fun. Losing evrything and evryone you've ever loved, getting back the respect of people you with once were involved, how great is the feeling when u r clean for a day, to yourself that is a big fucking hip-hip-hooray...
I'll never know what the fuck im saying, don't even know to who i am praying, looking up and begging please, and this while im on my fucking knees. Is it possible for you lower to go, how much more character do you have to show. One sweet day you might have understanding, about what this fucking process of you is demanding...
See it as a lesson in life, and in mine these lessons are rife. Still nobody and nothing i am today: but take my word for it that im not here to play. I'll show you how to climb to the top, and from there a huge fucking lesson in morals on your head i'll drop. Not even pretending that im better than you: and that too me all along you did do. Humble is the only way to go and to the path of that you i'll show...

'Rise up this mornin', Smiled with the risin' sun,Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin' sweet songs Of melodies pure and true,Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:

"Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about athing, oh! Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry! "Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry'

Bob Marley - 3 little birds

Spite

Just to spite authority you are always going against the grain, but by doing this in your own life you are just causing yourself more hurt, anger and pain. If only i knew what the fuck i am trying to achieve? If only i realize the pain im causing in those who in me believe. I know its not even ten people that im hurtng - yet on the complete other side constantly with death im flirting...
I dont have a clue as to where the fuck im heading, altho the fear of being out on the street again i am dreading. Constantly throwing myslef off my throne head first, and the falling parts not even the fucking worst. Everytime you hit the bottom the impact is more intense, and more and more becomes the false pretense...
Literally crawling out and sliding back into this self made hole, and with every hit your everything is taking toll, after crawling out so many times your fingers and knuckles become more and more bare, and at the end of the day you get to a point wehre you really don't care, falling down or crawling out feels excacly the fucking same, and to yourslf it feels like you are playing a huge bloody game...
Gambling wth ur life or russian roulette is more what this game u should call, and know that everytime harder and further u will fall. Deeper and deeper yourself scars of hurt and pain you ingrave, and more and more to the smack yourslf u will enslave. The right choice is sooo fucking easy to make but the promise to yourself to stay clean is sooo much easier 2 break...

'Youre a slave to the system, working jobs that you hate for that shit you dont need. Its too bad the world is based on greed. Step back and see. Stop thinking about yourself start thinking about, Theres no money theres no possession only,Obsession I dont need that shit'

Papa Roach - Obsession

Another brainfart?

Do you really think you have what it takes, to just for once in your life to just completely slam on the god damn brakes? Cause you really are like a fucking runaway train - how many more times do u wnt 2 lose ur mind again, and again just fry the last bit of whts lft of ur brain. Standing infront of a simple choice: yes or no? And this is where your strenght of character will start to show - cause while you are standing infront of that crossroad there is only one direction you want to go and every bit of common sense you posess is shouting and screaming: NOOOO!
So once again this simple choice you turn into this huge predicament, and into your life sobriety you struggle to implement. Sooo fucking crazy, dazed and confused: that their reality leaves u confused. So what the fuck is there left to say? Keep it clean: just for today. Fuckoff with your NA mentality, let me sort this out and let me be.

'One more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray.

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worth while
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train'

Soul Asylum - Runaway train

Shooting, chasing and basing...

So how far will u let ur life go, start doing the rollercoaster on crack and H and yo'ull soon know. When it starts that fucking cravings you wont be able 2 escape, tht mind numbing u want wnt more feeling of rape, edgy and fucked up all day long, go on wth this and let's see if you are really strong, as what you make out to be; at the end of the ride you will actually see.

'tired of the dogs inside your head, Tired of the needles beside your bed, tired of the crap you keep me fed'
Sonic Youth - Plastic sun

Anger

Pissed off and annoyed, so much wasted life you could've enjoyed, just wanting to punch the fucking wall or just have a quick fight with a random stranger at the mall. Why?...Cause of the way he looked at you? I can promise that guy will never ever figure out what the fuck it was that he did do. Totally, utterly and completely out of control, do u actually have with your life a goal? Impulse and rage your only drive, cause I mean into chaos and anarchy you did arrive. Raised in anger and constant fear, its a fucking miracle you are still here. I can promise its not fun to have the shit kicked out off u every day by your own dad, god this whole world is just so fucking morbid, depressing and sad. Penetance and and regret might be on top of the menu - and there is nothing about it u want to do? It all starts with a single choice you make, then in a certain type of detox (which acts as you punishment)you must partake. Then there is the matter of sticking with this choice, and this you must do without making a big fucking noise? Cause most of the time its just love and attention you seek. Why?...Cause everything else in your life seems so fucking bleak. What did u expect you'll get of years of being a junkie? Feeling so good all the time has to come with on your back a monkey. And this motherfucker needs to be fed...otherwise you are gonna fall back into hate and regret. All you have to do is stand up and face the new day - althought, immediately your troubles won't go away. Caught between a huge fucking rock and a very hard spot, so at the end of the day this hate and anger you need to replace otherwise from the inside you'll rot...

'cause he hates him so badly he blocks him out,
if he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out, his thoughts are whacked, hes mad so he's talking back, talking black brainwashed from rock and rap'
eminem - sing for the moment

Crawling

Have you ever tried to numb out all off your underlying pain, jesus fucking christ - i can promise you that it'll drive you completely insane. Already knowing it but realising it more and more with every single choice that you make, that this is the completely wrong and most fucked up road to take. See how high you can actually go, always the lead actor in your own show. U can't call it a show cause no one is watching B! Altho the paranoia will make it feel like everyone is looking at me. Losing my fucking mind more and more as each day just drags the fuck by - just wishing that away from all this unnessacary shit you can fly. So what is your next strategy or move bro? Come on you've been through this more than once so by now you've got to know. But more and more like an idiot you feel as each day goes by, and it's gettng harder and harder not to just break down and cry. So what the fuck else is there left to do, do u realise how hard yourself this time you are gonna screw. Get up, wake up and just start to change and then evrythng in your life you can properly start 2 rearrange... Get ahead and do your own fucking thing and make sure that in your life you are the one that the happiness brings. Don't need a fix to forget and try to make yourself happy, as a matter of fact it just makes everything suck and life more crappy...

'Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how i fall
Confusing what is real'
Crawling - Linkin Park

Zen ?

Firstly lets start off by defining what sanity really is - being mudane and mindnumbing or in everything in life you are looking for bliss? I dont know & i dont understand, what all these other idiotic motherfuckers from me demand. I mean they look at my life and think im either stupid or crazy, while i look at them and feel that they are stupid and fucking lazy. Not because they work for a boss or cause they're always out drinking: but for the simple reason of not using their common sense and just start thinking, how much more of lifes' treasures they can enjoy! without so much of their precious time to destroy. Wasting away every second of their lives at jobs they hate, and by just taking a risk something bigger they could create. But since they were young they were being programmed that striving to be mediocre is ok? But in my book that word is a definate...no way! It has to be the best or nothing at all, cause i know that the writing for sum time now has been on the wall. In normality ill never ever believe! There is just so much more with your life you can achieve...

'Try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side'
The doors (Jim morrison) - Break on through(to the other side)

Fear of the unknown

Why the fuck do you do this to yourself time and time again? Are you really that afraid a new life to begin. It cant b scarier and worse than living on the street, and in this life and up to date all your demons you did meet? So why are you so shit scared 2 start a new life, i mean you are gonna leave behind all the hell and fuckups of addictions' strife! Yet for some reason you can't seem to get past a certain point in your recovery and just move on - and everythng in your head and in your life just feels so completely fucked and wrong.
No pls tell me what the fuck about this issue at hand. And that is an indepth problem that only a junkie can and will ever understand - it's exacly the same as that deadly suicidal boredom that goes along with coming clean, and you'll only understand it if but once in that situation have been. Everyone and everything in life really seem to be working on your bloody last nerve and your energies are all depleted every single last reserve, so how the fuck do you survive this without breaking some dumbfucks' neck just 2cm above his arse - and yet there are still stll soo many poeple that do not understamd why the fuck you still smoke grass? I mean im on my last nerve and fucking tense all the time. So is smoking a big fatty every now and then such a huge fucking crime? It just gives you more strenght for the day, otherwise in bed you'll waste it away - and then you'll never ever reach the top, and from all the regrets your heart may stop and you'll drop. Without any movement you are laying on the floor and then after a short while no-one will give about you a shit anymore. So the choice is completely up to you...sort ourself out and stop fisting yourself too...

'give me crack, anal sex, kill the only tree that's left - ive seen the future and it is murder' - leonard cohen

Completely adrift

Being completely and totally adrift in the world of today, and knowing for a fact that i dont belong here in any way. Floating around like complete nothingness through the air, dont know - dnt undrstnd - dnt care. Feels like none of your dreams will help the greater good, would it be sellfish of me if i start doubting if they really shud...? Jst floating around like a feather on a lite breeze - jst not with as little effort & ease,
Really caught between a rock and a hard place and it really sux to stare reality straight in the face... Especially when you are sober as shit and with absolutely nutting to smoothen it out - even just a little bit. Not one person thats never been in this place can look down on you like you are a failure or even a disgrace. They will never undrstnd the realities pains and struggling uve had 2 face in your fucking life and if you ask me: through my whole being its been fucking rife. Trying to look and see the bigger picture but all you see is the world as this empty ficture. Only heroin can make you feel this way and only heroin can take this pain and boredom away. Now thats wht you call a catch22 and in situations like this i really dnt know what to do. Sacrifice your whole future to feel better now or live with the pain forever - wow? Using once will in the moment bring you peace, it might even bring you some ease BUT tomorrow is another day and all this strenght and energy you gained will forever be away. So what fucking choice do you make, what freaking path do you take. I suppose sanity is my main goal so for myself another joint i might aswell go and roll...

'excuse me while i light my spliff, oh god i need to take a lift, from reality i just cant drift that why im sitting with this spliff' Bob marley - Easy skanking

Valium or pax? Same thing, they both make you relax

Had a bit of a huge fucking slip and fell but i can't let this little fuckup turn into hell. Not again and that i promise you - that hard myself im not going to screw. I cant let go again cause that would just be fucking retarded, with sooo much fucking shit i cant again let my life get bombarded. I swear this fucking time ill put a gun against my head and paint the walls with my brains cause that will be easier than addictions crap, unnessacary rushing and pains. I dont know what the fuck im gonna do but these motions this im not again putting myself through. Fuck this shit - its jst not worth the pain and i promise you this time ill really go insane. Nothing close to do with borderlining it this time - i have to get up and really start to shine. Lift myself out of this heap of shit and stay away from this fucking hell and i dont need a genius for me that bit of info to tell. Why the fuck would you do so good with your life, and then all of a sudden you invite back all the pain and strife? You know where every step you take will lead, and coming closer again to addictions monster to again to feed, i mean history has repeated itself over and over so you really know, how much more hell do you want life you to show? yet you have the stupidity and audacity to proceed, personally making sure in life you don't succeed! How fucking idiotic can one person be, just take a good fucking look at I myself and me and the uttermost of stupidity you will see.
Everything was getting better and perfect in some ways, then here i come along with all my huge stupidity displays. Trying to be smart and trying to be clever and once again you're close to being stuck again - NEVER!
So what the fuck must i do to get out of this motion, take a break for a week; close to the ocean. U can't run away from yourself continiously, but also you must be blind the danger you are in not to see? Here you are once again knocking on the doors of hell and if you are gonna get over that - only time will tell....

'time alone, oh time will tell; think you're in heaven but you're living in hell, time alone oh time will tell'
Bob marley - Time will tell

Oh! my queen - her royal majesty - H

H is the one you dont fuck with; H is the 1 you really run outta luck wth. H might be your lifes' king or your hearts' queen; but just stop for a moment and think about all the fucked up places you've been. How it gently picks you up with what can be mistaken for a mothers touch, you see how everythings fucking up and you still dont think whats happening is too much, and then all of a sudden with the speed of light it takes you, and to infinity it'll fuck u over and completely break you, into a million and one pieces everything will be in shatters, and you'll reach a point where absolutely nothing else fucking matters. These huge parts of yourself you'll lose, and its not bits and pieces from which you can pick and choose, this new compananion of yours just festering inside of you, then when its done with your sorry ass as it comanded you what to do, the only tiny bit of yourself remaining is completely totally and utterly askew. Will you be able to lift youtself out of this complete disaster, will you get so fucking desperate that you'll even go and see a pastor? When you get to the point where friends and family are all gone, so fucking low down that nothing more can go wrong - so weak you'll be that you'll totally forget who you really are, and all you're really doing is covering up a very deep scar. You have to let go that is the only way. Lift yourself out of this shitheap and give them a decent display, of who you really are and in this fucking messed up life you're still gonna go far. Show all those negative motherfuckers what you are really all about - so that they can feel shit about all the negative comments at you they used to shout: You'll never make it and you wont amount to shit! Well this is me and i am doing it, standing up out of the gutter and of my life i am making a sucess, cause now i have a deeper understanding about life, people and all the rest. I know myself better than anyone of you would ever desire, and from being kicked down and standing up all the time my hearts on fire. Fuck the rest, its time to make of my life a success...

'starting from zero, got nuttin to lose'
Tracy Chapman - fast car

Subutex, suboxone or heroin?

That's a huge question that will constantly on my mind remain, cause at the end of the fucking day they are each and all the xcactly the same... i mean if you forget about the legal side of things, but all the same gifts of joy they bring. Well we move the suboxone gently to the side? Because of the killjoy called naloxone that in it they hide - well if you look at the bigger pic very closely and closely is a need, all the other subtututes are just legal forms of opium and heroin indeed? If an educated junkie has a choice between subutex and suboxone, clearly standing out is the subutex cause thats the one with for a while longer legally he can play - and everyday shit still gently and painlessly fades away. If he had a wider choice: methadone or morphine definately it would be, ive been there and u can take my word 4 it that the buzz is the only truth you see. Cause at the end of the day they are still all excactly the same, and before you can even try to change my mind you'll first have to go insane. Cause i promise u its not about what you've read, on this topic u get more educated on all the stuff that into your veins you've fed...
I mean you can be on that legal shit for a year, and your naive parents they won't have a single fear. The doctor prescribed it while sitting back completely relaxed and with crossed feet, so its legal and its keeping their kid off the drugs and off the street. I mean that's a win win situation either way? Do you really with me this game wanna play? But the moment you try to step away from your substatute after years, just like smack it leaves you in pain and with these huge fucking tears. What is the first thought to cross an addicts your mind? The doctor is close but this time round may not be so kind, handing out your favorite smarties for example subutex and pax, boy does a mixture of those 2 sure make u relax...
Well the dealer hasn't changed his mind about good customers an havn't moved one single fucking inch; so that gives us; the peole with the addict mentality a quick reason to binge. Cause after a year 2 fall in ur parents eyes my be alrite, i mean the doctor and the chemist are just around the corner and in sight. So then once again you fuck up badly and your parents do damage control, do they not see whats going on here - like i mean do they actually have a goal?
So it sort off feels like you're fucked either way but you're the clever bastard that this game wanted to play. Come on you clever wise ass little fuck, whats your next move cause you're seriously running outta luck. You dont have parents to look after you, yet you are clever enough yourself over and over to screw. You have to get back on your own two feel all alone, no mommy or daddy who your burden will share or own. Choice is how your going to do this, and at the end of the day all this shit you wont miss...
Well after a while you might convieniently about all the bad forget and then once again all you have left is regret.....

'wake in a sweat again
another days been lay to waste
in my disgrace
stuck in my head again
feels like ill never leave this place
theres no escape
im my own worst enemy'

given up - linkin park, minutes to midnight

What fucking ever

So how fucked up do u really think you are; talk about reflection and re-opening the scar, deeper than what any wound into flesh can ever be, and only if you've ever experienced it will you be able to agree; uncetainty weighing you down every second of every single fucking day, pushing you and shouting your uncerainties & insecurities out to you every step of the way...

Always talking about this annoying monkey on your back, god dammit: its worse than the cravings you get when you rum out of crack. And that's a feeling to u no-one you can desribe in any way and wanting to experience it is a game i suggest you dont play. So how the fuck do you gain the experience and the knowledge, come on man - that's not shit you can learn in college. Gettting stonger is a long motherfucking process and there is no guarantee of success. I'm serious - some of the shit life throws at you, and in that 1 moment of weakness you dont know what to do. It knocks you down to the ground head first and that's just the beginning cause it just gets worse. After that it kicks you in the nuts; then it spits & kicks you untill you spew out your fucking guts. You think its just gonna leave you there? Fuck bru - the universe about your feelings doesn't care. Not in a very bad & negative way cause to get strong your dues you must pay. Give me another kick or two to make me stronger; not that i want the suffering to last longer but the moment its over and done, i suppose then again life can be fun.
How fucking strong do you want me to be cause after all this pain and suffering, i cant wait to see.

'a long december and theres reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last' - counting crows - a long december