'Itls funny how my memory skips, while looking over manuscripts of unpublished rhymes'
Simon and Garfunkel - A hazy shade of winter
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
'Itls funny how my memory skips, while looking over manuscripts of unpublished rhymes'
So how do u break down these layers of protection, cause i'll laugh at you if u told me you'll turn it into affection. Going through life with repressed hate and anger, god if you don't make a plan even your health will be in danger. Do i even make sense in any display or shud i just: shut up, fuck off and go away?
'Rape me, rape me my friend
Rape me, rape me again'
Nirvana - Rape me
Friday, 27 January 2012
Stimulating in a thousand and one ways to smoke weed, almost like meditating when you clean the ganja up and untill you take out that last seed. Then quickly a fatty u twist, cause for blazing it up no oppertunity ever gets missed. Magical noise of taking taht first hit and then savoring it bit by bit, or if you are a pig like me? Quikly roll and smoke another five maybe even seven, nicely stoned - still on earth but it feels more like heven...
All the shit and rough edges has been smoothend out of your way and then you can actually for once just relax and enjoy the day. Take things slowly and just live 4 the now, take care of yourslf and have a decent chow. Chill out and regain all your strenght: cause the time between your morning and aftrnoon boat is quite of length..
But then again after after a long and fucked up day - i wont be the one that would no to a nice big fatty say. So what the hell the moral of the story? While you still have a severe case of morning glory: its plain and simple - wake and bake, just those rushing thoughts of the new day to break. Rounding off all of lifes edged - yes u heard correctly; that is what i said, and then you dive straight back into your still warm and comfy bed...
Then think of all the qaulity time that you have wasted, while you could've been sitting whilst good grass you savoured and tasted...
'Excuse me while I light my spliff; Good God, I gotta take a lift: From reality I just can't drift;That's why I am staying with this riff.
Take it easy; Lord, I take it easy! Take it easy
Bob marley - Easy Skanking
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Distroying your life in a million ways, wasting much more than just days, burning your braincells one by one - atleast that part of the process is a lot of fun. Losing evrything and evryone you've ever loved, getting back the respect of people you with once were involved, how great is the feeling when u r clean for a day, to yourself that is a big fucking hip-hip-hooray...
I'll never know what the fuck im saying, don't even know to who i am praying, looking up and begging please, and this while im on my fucking knees. Is it possible for you lower to go, how much more character do you have to show. One sweet day you might have understanding, about what this fucking process of you is demanding...
See it as a lesson in life, and in mine these lessons are rife. Still nobody and nothing i am today: but take my word for it that im not here to play. I'll show you how to climb to the top, and from there a huge fucking lesson in morals on your head i'll drop. Not even pretending that im better than you: and that too me all along you did do. Humble is the only way to go and to the path of that you i'll show...
'Rise up this mornin', Smiled with the risin' sun,Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin' sweet songs Of melodies pure and true,Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:
"Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about athing, oh! Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry! "Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry'
Bob Marley - 3 little birds
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
I dont have a clue as to where the fuck im heading, altho the fear of being out on the street again i am dreading. Constantly throwing myslef off my throne head first, and the falling parts not even the fucking worst. Everytime you hit the bottom the impact is more intense, and more and more becomes the false pretense...
Literally crawling out and sliding back into this self made hole, and with every hit your everything is taking toll, after crawling out so many times your fingers and knuckles become more and more bare, and at the end of the day you get to a point wehre you really don't care, falling down or crawling out feels excacly the fucking same, and to yourslf it feels like you are playing a huge bloody game...
Gambling wth ur life or russian roulette is more what this game u should call, and know that everytime harder and further u will fall. Deeper and deeper yourself scars of hurt and pain you ingrave, and more and more to the smack yourslf u will enslave. The right choice is sooo fucking easy to make but the promise to yourself to stay clean is sooo much easier 2 break...
'Youre a slave to the system, working jobs that you hate for that shit you dont need. Its too bad the world is based on greed. Step back and see. Stop thinking about yourself start thinking about, Theres no money theres no possession only,Obsession I dont need that shit'
Papa Roach - Obsession
Friday, 20 January 2012
So once again this simple choice you turn into this huge predicament, and into your life sobriety you struggle to implement. Sooo fucking crazy, dazed and confused: that their reality leaves u confused. So what the fuck is there left to say? Keep it clean: just for today. Fuckoff with your NA mentality, let me sort this out and let me be.
'One more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray.
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worth while
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train'
Soul Asylum - Runaway train
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
'tired of the dogs inside your head, Tired of the needles beside your bed, tired of the crap you keep me fed'
Sonic Youth - Plastic sun
Monday, 16 January 2012
'cause he hates him so badly he blocks him out,
if he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out, his thoughts are whacked, hes mad so he's talking back, talking black brainwashed from rock and rap'
eminem - sing for the moment
Sunday, 15 January 2012
'Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how i fall
Confusing what is real'
Crawling - Linkin Park
Friday, 13 January 2012
'Try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side'
The doors (Jim morrison) - Break on through(to the other side)
Thursday, 12 January 2012
No pls tell me what the fuck about this issue at hand. And that is an indepth problem that only a junkie can and will ever understand - it's exacly the same as that deadly suicidal boredom that goes along with coming clean, and you'll only understand it if but once in that situation have been. Everyone and everything in life really seem to be working on your bloody last nerve and your energies are all depleted every single last reserve, so how the fuck do you survive this without breaking some dumbfucks' neck just 2cm above his arse - and yet there are still stll soo many poeple that do not understamd why the fuck you still smoke grass? I mean im on my last nerve and fucking tense all the time. So is smoking a big fatty every now and then such a huge fucking crime? It just gives you more strenght for the day, otherwise in bed you'll waste it away - and then you'll never ever reach the top, and from all the regrets your heart may stop and you'll drop. Without any movement you are laying on the floor and then after a short while no-one will give about you a shit anymore. So the choice is completely up to you...sort ourself out and stop fisting yourself too...
'give me crack, anal sex, kill the only tree that's left - ive seen the future and it is murder' - leonard cohen
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Really caught between a rock and a hard place and it really sux to stare reality straight in the face... Especially when you are sober as shit and with absolutely nutting to smoothen it out - even just a little bit. Not one person thats never been in this place can look down on you like you are a failure or even a disgrace. They will never undrstnd the realities pains and struggling uve had 2 face in your fucking life and if you ask me: through my whole being its been fucking rife. Trying to look and see the bigger picture but all you see is the world as this empty ficture. Only heroin can make you feel this way and only heroin can take this pain and boredom away. Now thats wht you call a catch22 and in situations like this i really dnt know what to do. Sacrifice your whole future to feel better now or live with the pain forever - wow? Using once will in the moment bring you peace, it might even bring you some ease BUT tomorrow is another day and all this strenght and energy you gained will forever be away. So what fucking choice do you make, what freaking path do you take. I suppose sanity is my main goal so for myself another joint i might aswell go and roll...
'excuse me while i light my spliff, oh god i need to take a lift, from reality i just cant drift that why im sitting with this spliff' Bob marley - Easy skanking
Monday, 9 January 2012
Everything was getting better and perfect in some ways, then here i come along with all my huge stupidity displays. Trying to be smart and trying to be clever and once again you're close to being stuck again - NEVER!
So what the fuck must i do to get out of this motion, take a break for a week; close to the ocean. U can't run away from yourself continiously, but also you must be blind the danger you are in not to see? Here you are once again knocking on the doors of hell and if you are gonna get over that - only time will tell....
'time alone, oh time will tell; think you're in heaven but you're living in hell, time alone oh time will tell'
Bob marley - Time will tell
Sunday, 8 January 2012
'starting from zero, got nuttin to lose'
Tracy Chapman - fast car
Saturday, 7 January 2012
I mean you can be on that legal shit for a year, and your naive parents they won't have a single fear. The doctor prescribed it while sitting back completely relaxed and with crossed feet, so its legal and its keeping their kid off the drugs and off the street. I mean that's a win win situation either way? Do you really with me this game wanna play? But the moment you try to step away from your substatute after years, just like smack it leaves you in pain and with these huge fucking tears. What is the first thought to cross an addicts your mind? The doctor is close but this time round may not be so kind, handing out your favorite smarties for example subutex and pax, boy does a mixture of those 2 sure make u relax...
Well the dealer hasn't changed his mind about good customers an havn't moved one single fucking inch; so that gives us; the peole with the addict mentality a quick reason to binge. Cause after a year 2 fall in ur parents eyes my be alrite, i mean the doctor and the chemist are just around the corner and in sight. So then once again you fuck up badly and your parents do damage control, do they not see whats going on here - like i mean do they actually have a goal?
So it sort off feels like you're fucked either way but you're the clever bastard that this game wanted to play. Come on you clever wise ass little fuck, whats your next move cause you're seriously running outta luck. You dont have parents to look after you, yet you are clever enough yourself over and over to screw. You have to get back on your own two feel all alone, no mommy or daddy who your burden will share or own. Choice is how your going to do this, and at the end of the day all this shit you wont miss...
Well after a while you might convieniently about all the bad forget and then once again all you have left is regret.....
'wake in a sweat again
another days been lay to waste
in my disgrace
stuck in my head again
feels like ill never leave this place
theres no escape
im my own worst enemy'
given up - linkin park, minutes to midnight
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Always talking about this annoying monkey on your back, god dammit: its worse than the cravings you get when you rum out of crack. And that's a feeling to u no-one you can desribe in any way and wanting to experience it is a game i suggest you dont play. So how the fuck do you gain the experience and the knowledge, come on man - that's not shit you can learn in college. Gettting stonger is a long motherfucking process and there is no guarantee of success. I'm serious - some of the shit life throws at you, and in that 1 moment of weakness you dont know what to do. It knocks you down to the ground head first and that's just the beginning cause it just gets worse. After that it kicks you in the nuts; then it spits & kicks you untill you spew out your fucking guts. You think its just gonna leave you there? Fuck bru - the universe about your feelings doesn't care. Not in a very bad & negative way cause to get strong your dues you must pay. Give me another kick or two to make me stronger; not that i want the suffering to last longer but the moment its over and done, i suppose then again life can be fun.
How fucking strong do you want me to be cause after all this pain and suffering, i cant wait to see.
'a long december and theres reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last' - counting crows - a long december