Fwd: Nirvana

After a huge arguments, a very shitty day and everything that someone who believes in or perceives right or wrong would take up as fucked up, i learnt the biggest lesson of love and respect due to all the 'wrong' of the day. Closed my eyes, opened my heart and touched what i can now understand how someone with a religious background would perceive as a meeting with 'god', in a presence of complete and pure love and forgiveness with just sooo much understanding. Not 3rd dimensional love that is hurtful, possessive or jealous, no, pure, pure unconditional love and understanding. Pure brilliant love, no right no wrong, no polarity, just balance, everything in sync with the extremely humbling feeling and presence I'm in. Tears streaming down my face, tears of joy, tears of understanding, tears from being touched by this purity. A deeper understanding emerges, everything is right, everything is one, different distortions of the infinite creator. Confusion leads to understanding, the 'law of confusion' or what we call the 'law of free will' is just a primary distortion of the law of one. The same as the urge to teach is also directly related to the urge to learn unless you're not learning what you teach - just another primary distortion of the law of one. Behind the veil of secrecy comes the opportunity of misunderstanding, hence learning and so figuring it out in an either positive or negative polarized society or collective consciousness, but as you move higher through the dimensions there is only balance, perfection, beauty, understanding. After opening my eyes and drying my tears i was staring at my feet into the distance, light, halo, yellow burn, sense of deja vu and now i cant look at anyone without seeing a halo around them, it sorta looks like they are quantum leaping and then the colors start 'burning' out the halo, the weirdest, strangest and most enlightening learning experience through love and true understanding and a willingness to know thyself and i mean truly know thyself. Love and understanding, pure cleansing and healing love. True and pure unconditional love for yourself, true and pure unconditional love for others and more importantly the service to others. On the highest level teaching thus learning is godliness at a very primary distortion. Love, love and more love.

'In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.'

Buddha

What the Fuck!?!

So fucking dazed and confused and not at all one fucking bit amused, all i want to do is blow out my fucking brain but im not even sure that will stop this pain? I dont know what the fuck this is that i feel but i promise you this shit is real. A million and one things on my mind and the thing that bothers me is the one fucking thing i cant find. Everything and everyone is just working on my nerves, fuck me sideways - this is someting that no one deserves. All i constantly want to do is just to fucking cry and i do not have the foggiest clue as to why? Even considering some smack to numb out the pain, fuck that shit! nope, not again - i'm not that insane!
Completely fucking lost in this ocean of uncertainty and all i want to know is what the fuck is wrong with me? People everywhere just driving me the fuck insane, hell man - one person does not deserve all this strain. I'm really not sure how much more shit i can take because somethings gonna give soon and i'm talking snap...shatter...break!
Doesnt matter how much grass i smoke this annoyance i cant ease, jesus fucking christ! I just want one single second of peace. Words can even come close to express what it is that im going through and no professional, no quack or shrink will be able to tell me what the fuck to do? Constantly on the verge but not losing my mind yet and not one single fucking tear to shed...

'By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.'

Confucius

Building block for a new world order

This disease has gotten to a point thats so far past and beyond mad, a reality that is more than sick, twisted, fucked up and way across the line of being sad. Pulling you way out of your true self and the bit of you thats left is so fucked and depressed and with a needle you are so fucking way past obsessed. Getting up and staying clean for a day or three - after putting yourself through all that shit you get up and use: any logic? Nope! Fuck me...
Im not sure if you should analyze the problem or just let go? Stop immediately and turkey your arse off or over a couple of days or wean it off and take it slow. The second option is just an excuse to fuck it up for a while longer; bullshitting yourself into believing it will keep your mind and body stronger? Not sleeping for the couple of days you dont use; then by using again you put yourself through that same fucking abuse, now once again youre fucking yourself over by being high so at night its just another form of sleep deprivation. God dammit, fuck me running! Heroin addiction in your life just causes devistation...
I mean laying down to pass the time before your next hit, while waiting these stupid fucking poems i write and thats about it. Watching the clock and waiting for an hour to pass, up and down, preoccupying time by cleaning, painting or smoking some grass. Life is really out of balance, shattered and a complete fucking waste, how much more sadness and misery do you want to experience and taste? Oh heroin the love of my life or should i call you my favorite lady smack? Definately far from a lady - god i would really love to get my fucking life back!!!


"Drugs are a bet with your mind."


Jim Morrison

Valium oh valium or is that pax?

Getting 100% clean and sober is a bit harsh to do in one go but there is no use in taking it slow - otherwise its so fucking easy to fall back, slip straight back into that deep crack. Or is it a spiral spinning wild and out of control, devouring you chunk by chunk untill it eats away at your soul. Body is going one way and that is down, funny cramps everywhere but still you go on like a clown. Moving away from the needle is already such a bitch thing to do, yet that one teeny tiny step back to it is the hardest yourself you can screw. You can feel your lungs burning while you chase and in the back of you head the thought is spinning 'what a waste'. Longing to shoot up just one more time, trying to bullshit yourself things will be fine? How fucking stupid can you be, youve walked that road and the outcome you did see, not good in any way and at all, clucking your ass of and for those who dont know thats withdrawel. Fuck i need to get out of this hole, for years and years being clean has been my goal. Yet im bullshitting myself every day, trying to cockblock myself in every possible way. Dumb fucking ass, no tablets - no grass. People who has never had this problem will never be able to understand, how much shit this bad habit of you demand. Most days all you wanna do is blow out your brain cause this fucking habit drives you insane. Death is too easy, take my word for it and trust me. I have to get over this shit and move on, forget about this shit and make everything right that is wrong. Easier said than done, fucking difficult and no fun. Yet its something i have to do, take it on head first and stick it through. But how???


'By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest'

Confucius

Fuckt

Falling deeper and deeper, feels like opiates are my keeper, closer and then futher away from myself a catch22 and that any blind man can see, really dont have a fucking clue as what i want to be. Life empty and hollow, all that was good addiction did swallow. How will i ever pick up the splinters of me, how the fuck will i ever just be? Cant tell the difference between hunger and craving, so fucking low down for the first time in my life im not even shaving. Always taking care of this hollow shell, if i dont people will be able to tell, that ive got this demon inside of me and that i dont want anyone to see...
Yet its getting difficult to supress the side part inside, dont even know why im trying to hide, who the fuck am i tring to impress, not one fucking personn could care less. If i could just figure out what the fuck i want of life and what life wants of me, maybe then the light i will see. But untill then if i didnt love myself so much suicide would be ontop of the list, fuck life, fuck love, fuck heroin and im talking with a fist...
No lube, no reacharound, cruel and cold as it may sound. So much pain caused by those three, yet the final choice to be happy is up to me, so what the fuck should i do, how the hell all this shit do i unscrew. Untill then just falling and falling, i must make a choice out of this hole to start crawling. But how the FUCK, I NEED MORE THAN LUCK...

Fuck life, fuck people, fuck everyone

Sick and fucking tired, over being wired, fedup of being admired, on a buzz, life is a daze and a fuzz, being clean and sereen is harder than what addiction has ever been, dont get me misquote me, its quite nice to be free, but life snags you around every turn, make sure you fucking burn...
All you want to do is run back, get some smack; open and attack, but think about how much in your life its taken, shattered and shaken. Raped, hurt and broken, your bleeding stomach is the token...
Intestines are fucked, yet you still see it as luck, so much has gone, started losing yourself from day one. A moment of realisation is worth a thousand prayers, sad but true: no one cares. No one actually gives a fuck so if you wanna depend on people YOU ARE OUT OF LUCK...

'I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you'

'Linkin Park - Numb

Deeper and darker

Meds to get you high, meds so it doesnt feel like you die, meds so that you dont break down and cry, meds so your fucking head doesnt lie - what the fuck...
Meds to take away the detox, meds to take away system shock, meds so you dont want dreadlocks, meds to take away all the blocks - what the fuck...
So much tablets to take, so much strenght to fake, so many bad habits to break, i mean for fuck sakes - and you think you have issues...

'try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side'

The doors - Break on through

Imagine

Saw a homeless person yesterday,
looked familiar in some sort of way,
curiosity made he go to him,
what did my curiosity bring?
One of my friends from way back years,
living out one of my greatest fears...
Made me realised how lucky i am to stil be stable, willing and able?
Life didnt deal me hand that raw,
maybe its just the way i saw,
life to embrace,
all my problems to face...
Need to get rid of this depression,
get an purer and clearer intention.
Stop meddling in the past,
that shit aint gonna last.
God, its a cunt thing to be clean,
yet how fucking lucky ive been...

'life is what happens when youre making other choices'

John Lennon

Suffering 101

Suffering 101, similiar to the addiction process: fuckall fun. It completely sucks dick! Cant get out - you must be exremely thick? Losing time cause you cant stop meddling in your own shit, all you need to do is let go and that is about it. Yet its so much easier said than done, you cant let go of the root cause why everything in your life is so fucking wrong...
From morning to night. There is fuckall in your life that is right. So much drama on a miliion levels plus one, and away from all this shit you cant even run. Impossible to run away from yourself and about it there is nothing you can do? Cause at the end of the day of everyone yourself hardest you did screw. Over and over hard and repeatedly; you knew excactly where it was gonna end up but you were to fucking clever to see...
Only when you were halfway down the fucking abyss, spending hours in the bathroom just to take a piss. No sleep, just nodding and dreaming every night; realising you havnt taken a dump for a month kinda gave me a fright. So caught up in this making a mission and chasing a fucking fix all day long, you dont even realise your life fell apart and long ago everything already went wrong...
Preoccupied with shit and thats about it...


'Even in the presence of others he was completely alone.'

Robert M. Pirsig - Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance

Light to dark

How the fuck is it possible to forget about something if you constantly have to remind yourself that you have to forget about it, you really have to find some fucking way to subconciously detach yourself from all this fear and shit? Talk about facing you fears while forgetting about them, dreading the moment they jump up and bite you under the arse again. You really have to rearrange not just your life but your whole mentality and mindset, about this fucking thing thats riding and raping you totally you must forget. Trying to project your thoughts to another place, trying your best to fall casually from grace? I suppose it makes no sense to you, now imagine how i feel and thats what i must try and do. Trying your best to get away from your rapist as far as you can, yet im the raspist; god its getting more and more confusing man? How the fuck do i run away from myself and me? Im my own worst fucking enemy at this moment as you can see. Extremely complicated or am i just complicating it for myself like ive been doing all along? Making everything that has always been right so hectically wrong. Trying to make sense of anything and everything i can, maybe i should start moving forward with some sort of plan? Maybe i should just start moving all this childish shit and people out of my life and move the rest away, maybe then i will start looking forward to my next day...

'How am i gonna keep myself, How am i gonna keep myself away from me?'

Counting Crows - Perfect blue buildings

Tring tring

Body is aching and sore, always longing for more, just one touch one hit, last one i promise then it is it. Lying to yourself over and over on a daily basis, in your life there are always these traces: of the addiction thats living inside you, fucking powerless you feel so nothing you can do. How many lies will there be told, how much of other peoples fictional shit have you sold. Everyone always meddling in your lifes story, what the fuck do you want: a bitch slap or some glory? Not one of those youll find here, do you reall think your bullshit i fear? All you motherfuckers can talk shit about me, if i dont die soon - one day youll see! Funny and ironic as it may sound, maybe ill get another turn this time round. I must just learn to stick it out, then start seeing what im really about. I know i can, altho its such a bitch...man...

'Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first'

Mark Twain

Nod, nod and away

I dont think you ever quit, you just get sooo fucking over it, organs aching and stomachs bleeding - so over this fucking demon you are feeding. Sick and fucking tired of not having any tears to cry, embacing death yet shit scared to die. Every single fucking hit is the last, every single day running out fast...
When youre clean a day feels like a year, when youre fucked life runs out too fast and thats another fear. When your on a buzz youre always meddling in regret, when your sober all you want to do is forget. So fucking boring is life if you dont use, when youre fucked you can atleast convince yourself youre not confused. So many things youve lost along the way, so many regrets about it you have today...
Why care about the milk you threw on the floor, why do it over and again and once more? Sick in your head is what you are - yet in your onw fucking eyes youre a superstar. Dumb fucking cunt thats what you are, throwing salt on to bury this scar. Mind is not where it used to be, dont judge yet; wait till tomorrow and see. Yes! Tomorrow once again is day fucking one, fuck yeah! Another week of fun...

'im all out of love, im so lost without you. I know you were right believing for so long. Im all out of love, what am i without you'

Air supply - Im all out of love

Blog, blogger, bloggiest...

I can feel that this path of mine is soooo FUCKING close to its end, i can taste it, touch it and see it, i know its mine for the taking and then all the pieces i picked up i can start to put together and mend. Picking up scattered remains as i go along, try my best to fix all the rights i made wrong. A fucking mission and a half that will be for me to start doing; cause unlike a lightbulb its not just getting a new one and replacing it by unscrewing. If i have to make a list of everything and everyone i fucked over, srewed and all the trust and good faith i turned to waste, i mean its not just material things for which you can just buy new ones and replace...
The stuff im talking about - in all the situations and parties caused a huge and deep fucking scar, circles most of these people will walk around you if they see you in time coming in the distance from afar. Closer proximity youll notice how uncomfortable they are when youre standing face to face, before you say hello they already deny that they have cash and then the constant feeling if their cellphone and wallets are still in place? And if they cant avoid you they try to cut the conversation short while youre still busy saying 'hello', usually somewhere urgent they have to be, theyre already late so they really have to go...
Well then run you cunt before the road gets covered in thorns maybe even some barbed-wire, maybe even out of fucking nowhere a mine-field or a burning tyre. Doesnt matter where you are, where youve been and this fucked up yet strenght and character building road you walked; behind your back so many bullshit stories, lies and halve, rotten truths has been talked. Itll really take fucklloads of perserverance, strenght and loads of energy and hard work to drag your beaten, bruised and broken body cross the finish line BUT when you have finished the road set out for you and passed the tests you will start moving forward and everything will turn out for the best and for once everything is there for the taking: yes all mine...

'Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.'

Lao Tzu

Heaven

Same as addiction true love is impossible to explain, being so close to the one you love but not being able to touch really drives you completely, totally and utterly in-fucking-sane. Probably the two opposite and worst things in this universe to compare? If youve only experienced one of them in total disbelief at this youll probably stare. But look at the fact that ls behind what i have to say and then you can decide whether theres truth or if my mind went on a permanent holiday...
Both start with a feeling that sort-off feels like you got hit by a lightningbolt, both feelings get you off your ass and on your feet in a huge fucking jolt. Perfection, beauty, understanding, bliss, walking on clouds and it really feels like you belong, uplifts you in ways you never knew possible from the inside youve got reason to move forward, living life on a level amazingly godly and strong. From all different angles you never knew exsisted you feel empowered and complete, in your heart you have reassurance there is not one single feeling that can even begin to start to compete...
What goes up must come down and the higher up it went the harder and faster youre gonna hit the floor. Yet sadly, strange enough and ironically youll find yourself begging for one last chance and always a wee bit more. You know presicely where this road and these choices will take you; but 'fuck me sideways!' clever little cunt you are what the fuck do you do? Conveniently forget about all the hardship and pain that was part of the jigsaw-puzzle that was your life, moving to the back of your head and pretending that this hectically abusive relationship with bad things wernt rife. Now even i dont know whether im talking about love or addiction here? All i know they can both be fucking disasterous if you dont tread lightly and as a balance bar use your fear...


'what brings me down now is love cause I can never get enough. And what brings me down now is love cause I can never get enough of love.
And it's a dangerous time, for a heart on a wire. Shuttle from station to station, noisily not knowing why. So I put my head on the ground
and the sky is a wheel. Spinning these days into things that I've lost but you can keep all the years. But I don't mind the days, gone rolling away cause all this sunlight feels warm on my face and i can never ever get enough of love'

Counting Crows - Goodnight L.A.

The Muppet show

Scraping the fucken barrel deep to find me, if i can just open my fucking eyes ill see, understanding why, yet making a choice to cry. Being what im not, this arrogant little snot. Crazy as hell yet only time will tell, understanding myself and me, opening my eyes to see...
Finding my way yet have no reason to lose it, why do i have to be such an arrogant little shit. Knowing i can and knowing i should, yet not knowing that i could?? Two steps forward, six in reverse, god this fuckedupness is not the first. Love you with all my heart, just dont know where to start???
Allow me to be there for you, allow me to do all the things for you i wanna do. Ill carry you for the rest of your life every day, ill help you get up in a million fold and one way, why dont you want me to be there for you as you were for me, all will work out fine - just you wait and see...

'When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today'

Guns n Roses - November Rain

Acne

Thai white, putting up a fight, coming clean; how many times has it been, living for today, wishing it away? Loving forever, bringing us together. Fighting it away, why the fuck does it stay???
Life so wrong, all day long. The nights arent better, mouths not wetter. Staying in the desert all day long, wishing weak and staying strong. Stealing dignty, not possible and not me. Amused all day long, every turn you make so totally wrong...
Far of the track, wanting all the good back. Yourself you annoy yet even more you destroy. Energy dead, finding yourself instead. Realising where you are, reality is away fucking far. Getting back on your way, need to start today. When and where? Dont know but start to care...

'Invasion of our piracy
Afterbirth of a nation
Starve without your skeleton key
I love you for what I am not
I did not want what I have got
A blanket acne'ed with cigarette burns
Speak at once while taking turns
What is what i need
What is wrong with me
What is what i need
i'm nothing to do with what you think
If you ever think at all
Bi-polar opposites attract
All of a sudden my water broke
I love you for what I am not'

Nirvana - Radio friendly shifter unit

The Bible, The Qur'an, THE Addiction ???

Somewhere in the NA book 'one is too many and a thousand will never be enough' gets said. Thats one fucking fact that over and over to an addict needs to be spoonfed! From a negative thought becoming a slip and it causes a huge fucking wobble - into a tidalwave, in for the ride of your life that causes so much unnessacary pain and trouble. Really robbing, stealing and taking away so many different aspects and pieces of you along the way, im not joking cause this motherfucker of a thing doesnt take fucking up your life lightly and really doesnt play...
Cause there is one ginormous and fucking sad reality; this wave of terror gets power from your cunting junkie-mentality. You are so fucking used to the way its always been, within two days you are straight back into your old and fucked up routine. All the hard work you put in, all the effort was just plainly fucking wasted, the second you made that bad choice to tempt fate by running back to the most vile and disgusting love and honey youve ever tasted...
Well atleast im still putting all my fucking energy into leaving this shit behind, trust me towards me so far the universe has been sorta kind? Literally had to lose everyone i loved and everything thats important to me, just so that my eyes can open and that how fucked i am i could see. Unintentionally breaking trust and hearts as i move forward on a river of tears, no eye contact just in the wind you hear the whispers thats manifesting all your fears. I really need to make a descent fucking plan and stick to it and the forget about and stop bothering myself with other peoples' opinions CAUSE ITS JUST HEAPS AND HEAPS OF SHIT...


'I'll start this off without any words
I got so high that I scratched 'til I bled
I love myself better than you
I know it's wrong so what should I do?
The finest day that I've ever had
Was when I learned to cry on command
I love myself better than you
I know it's wrong so what should I do?
I'm on a plain
I can't complain'

Nirvana - On a plain

Gawd these subjects!

So far fucking lost, dazed and confused: with myself pissed off, annoyed and not at all amused. Sick and tired of trying to be the best person i can be, really fucking over the fact that people are too blind to see. Only this horrible fucking stigma attached to you is with what you are stuck, and to get rid of this cunt thing...OH MY FUCK! Excactly the same way as your needle obsession does that fuckier stick, if you havnt been there dont argue, just assume or judge cause it sucks dick...
I assume its sort of like being demonically posessed, and this fucking thing really puts you to the test. The moment you relax and pause on the mission of being captain fucking recovery, even if just for a second it sees the gap immediately. Once your the wheels in your head start turning, the money in your fucking pockets start burning. Barely inside yourself is what you are and your strenght and opinion you can hear their shouts being carried by the wind faintly and far...
Prisoner in your own fucking body cause it literally feels like your opinion doesnt count! This motherfucker pulling your stings has taken control again for another round. I promise you that it literally feels like youre doing it against your will, something else controlling you and you get the damage bill. Once again im standing at that point where my whole fucking life depends on the day of tomorrow and all i want to do is numb and block out all the fucking sorrow and pain; and hopefully in the process not again lose my mind, go bonkers or apeshit and completely insane...


'singing dont worry, bout a thing cause every litlle things gonna be alright'

Bob Marley - Three little birds

Motherfucker

Struggling my fat fucking cunt off to get the lid back on this can of worms also known as my life, around every fucking corner and turn this fucking head of mine starts fucking aroung. There is literally two sides to me, the one knows he can do it; fuck me sideways hes actually so convinced there is something better out there and then there is the other fucker and fuck me sideways he is a scaly and manipulative cunt. Master of manipulation, i really dont even stand a chance, need to get a fucking grip and hold on tightly cause this is gonna b one bumpy fucking ride...

Welcome

This addiction is such a cunt thing to have and with to live, so much of yourself you lose and sometimes involantarily give, one day motivated, moving forward and fucking strong and the next day in one desicion you make everythings fucked up and wrong. The frustration and dissapointment is such a killjoy, experiencing wall punching, someone headbutting anger cause once again with your life you did toy. Why the fuck would you gamble with all this strenght and goodwill thats being lifting you up, all this good energy for no reason you once again did corrupt...
Something you have to experience is what its like when an addicts head rolls into that one specific track, no logic or reason, rain or shine, even distruction and pain will make you turn back, its as is you are caught prisoner in this vessel thats on its way to go and score, just a visitor, a passenger and literally fuckall else more. The part that's 'you' that is caught up in this unfortunate event, is screaming no, stop, get out turn around even out of sheer fucking desperation...repent!!!
For one moment it might have been enjoyed too much but on getting pissed off and fucking annoyed at myself i quickly let go of the clutch. Rammed my ass straight into cursing myself and literally forcing my to be pissed off about the sweet honey i tasted, repeating and nurturing the anger and regret even about the money wasted. Now the fucking problem comes with what tomorrows choices will bring, at the end of the day what type of song will i sing. Fuck me sideways i might have put myself in a catch 22? Now the question is...about this, what the fuck am i gonna do???


'People are strange when you're a stranger. Faces look ugly when you're alone. Women seem wicked when you're unwanted. Streets are uneven when you're down. When you're strange. Faces come out of the rain. When you're strange.No one remembers your name.When you're strange.'

The Doors - People are Strange