Friday, 8 June 2012

Im over these bloody subjects

Opened my eyes this morning and already i had to put up a huge fucking fight, but fighting addiction and the cravings is neither fair nor right. Its so fucking crazy and difficult to ignore - when in your head has its own agenda to go and score. It beats down on you as if youre being struck by a hammer - for every step or solid choice you make - in the works this asshole throws a spanner. Yes! no, no, YES! no, no and then again that last overpowering: YES! just to make the dominoes tumble, all of a sudden your nose starts running, body aching, stomach cramping and thats when all your resistance starts to crumble...
I was fine untill i convinced myself to go and score and now the only thought on my fucking mind is another hit: MORE! That was part of the reason and logic i tried myself with to convince, and now all the strengh and power is completely fucked up, mashed and minced. Fucking waisted and no longer there - but cause you have no one to dissapoint you sort of dont care. Yet the hit was dissapointing as expected and quite shit, that was also part of my watertight arguement but still i went along with it???
This really makes no fucking sense to me at all, my sytem is sorta clean so im not going through cold turkey or any withdrawel. Only when my head goes into gear to go and score then all of a sudden i get anxious, nausious and my muscles get sore? Really, that is addiction playing a sick and twisted game with me and ive been caught up in it long enough this to see. So i have no legit or even mildly good reason to fuck out? So for the love of god - what the fuck is this all about...

'All I'm writing is just what I feel, that's all. I just keep it almost naked. And probably the words are so bland.'

Jimi Hendrix

6 comments:

  1. hey

    hope your ok. I got to point where Ive ad enuff, really bored of this bullshit now. hating yourself for being weak gets boring too


    charli

    ReplyDelete
  2. sorry to hear... what a hard time u have here, but i believed change can only be made.. when ure achingly ready to face all the coming consequences. well.. at the end of d day i kinda think it's worth the shot though.. i mean. when ure clean. keep scoring.

    ReplyDelete
  3. WTF? Get clean and keep scoring? Its like fighting for peace or fucking for virginity or is that just me? And after 17yrs of addiction you are WAY past achingly wanting it and over being ready to face the consequenses. But tx anyway...

    ReplyDelete
  4. yeah.. ure right..aha sorry... i was confused. it was 4 a.am and ma hands rocked the keyboard, just like that.. true story...

    ReplyDelete