Saturday, 20 August 2011


To truly have the power to forgive and then really forget, no time on lose on a single regret, moving forward at the speed of light but there is always someone who wants to fight, these idiots are literally always standing in your way, can't they just fuckoff and with themselves go and play. What is your fucking problem dude - don't u know that not minding your own fucking business is considered rude. Let me go forward and fuck my life up all the way and I'm sorry if you get offended by the crude display...
Its none of your fucking business how and why I numb out the pain and if u knew what the fuck would there be for you to gain. sad enough; misery some people will actually sell so I see some sad people's view that we are living in hell - and I thought I was the one with the fried brain, yet these idiots have the audacity to call me insane. There is just no way this stupidity to sugarcoat, no wonder every now and then I like to enjoy a little boat. Just 2 smoothen out lives little kinks and catches and then in the bigger picture to avoid lives little boxing matches. I'm not sure how much sense the lines above make cause up till recently a lot of drugs I did take, sometimes it feels like your brain is ready 2 snap and break, just one little push is all that it will take and this little push will cause your your whole reality to start to quake then your whole foundation will crumble and shake, lets hope for your sake that the strength inside of you is not fake otherwise through this dilemma its not possible for you it to make?

'I Hate Myself and Want to Die' - Kurt Cobain

Perversion of whatever

U can really get rid of this shit by making one simple choice and sticking with your fucking decision, always and forever just barely keeping your head above water in this huge motherfucking sea of doubt, always and forever the same, stress, hate, anger and fear but fear of what? Fear of a new life maybe? How the fuck does that make sense? All this complicated and unnecessary shit you are drowning in can disappear with one single choice, or actually more of a simple understanding of that single choice, its actually quite simple if you look at it logically - get busy living or continue dying, wait let me rephrase the last part of that sentence, rather call it - continue with this slow romantic suicide of yours. To no one it will make sense that you are fearing success and normality but its not the success and the normality that you are fearing, its the failure of not ever achieving it, not being able to really detach yourself completely from your misery and unhappiness; far enough to truly be free and enjoy the simpler pleasures life has 2 offer - how can someone living to the max every second of every day of his life now all of a sudden slow down to something always observed as mediocre? And you thought you were confused, and then again the simple question emerges...what the fuck?

"There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it's all dark." - Pink Floyd - eclipse

Random thought?

How much more pain, suffering, misery and destruction will you inflict on yourself in this one big blur that was supposed to be your whole life up to till this point in time. A complete hurricane of events that started fucking out the moment you made that first horribly bad choice that spiraled, snowballed, derailed and fucked up everyone and everything in its path. So out of control does this series of bad choices you made get, that at the end of it all you don't know if you should cry, shout and scream and hit the fucking walls because of everyone and everything you've lost along the way or if you should jump up and rejoice over the mere fact that you are still alive, your morals are intact and you know exactly who you are and what you are made of...

'How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go'

Father and son - Cat Stevens


not much changer as the times go by. The lies just become more and more, but
theses lies are not to hurt anyone or get anything. No they are to protect
you from the people, the ones who judge you and look down upon you and
belittle you cause they dont understand you. Fuck them, who do they think
they are, comparing you to the rest. Adding this stigma to it and then
including you in it. If only they could walk for one fucking day in my shoes
then they would start to understand what pain, anger, wanting to die and
total destruction feels like. Every morning from when you get up to every
single fucking night when u close your eyes and then in the morning again just to show you who is the fucking boss. The only thing that can make you feel this bad also the only thing that can make you feel better. Aint life just freaking great...

'Its better to burn out than to fade away' - Kurt Cobain


Always and forever baked, always soo far fucking gone from what is actually real, so many brilliant ideas to get out of this shit-hole, just no fucking energy to get up or even reach for your goal. How
much more shit and pressure can one person take? Before your whole life fucks out and gets ready to break. Into millions of pieces its completely fucked up and blown apart - so fucking ruined it is thatvif u wanted to pick it up you wont have a fucking clue as where to start. And from this point everything in your life sux always sux - it feels like you are drained and completely ran out of luck. everything that once used to be important in your life is slowly and suurely drifting away and yet all you care about is the deadly games you play. And then in a second hard and solid you from grace, from high and mighty to flat on your fucking face. But as sick and twisted it sounds, this drop could be the beginning of getting both yor feet on the ground? cause when you are completely lost and alone with nothing earthly left to even mention that is when all this nothingness starts to cause a shit load of tension. And then when u break down, end up on your knees and you start to scream and shout then you start realising what all this shit in your life was about. Eventually the right questions you will start asking about your life and then you can rid yourself of all this self-inflicted strife. Althought the million dollar question still hangs in the air - what are you gonna do with this answers and knowledge now that its there? Ignore the answers - the common sense, the logic and wish it away? Atleast it will give you time to fuck up your life more and to lead your all positive thoughts completely astray...

"He who knows all the answers has not been asked all the questions." — Confucius

Bad choices ????????

If u look at this in a completely logical way, your whole life may be a balance but still everything hangs on a single fucking worn out up to shit piece of thread. And by making the wrong fucking choice one day, everything that's good and pure in your life will be gone and you'll b stone-cold dead. How do u tiptoe around this choice for the rest of your sober days. I mean this motherfucker can jump up and bite you in a million different fucking ways:
some mornings you wake up and before you can even open your eyes; you are craving and anxious, good-fucking-morning, surprise!
Don't even think about taking your meds today...
You've lost this round and now its my turn to be in charge and play....
Now this usually happens when least expected, I can promise you that you didn't even in any way have to feel or get rejected. Your mind with itself start playing this psychological game - he's the best opponent you'll ever face and will turn you to shame. He will still make you believe that you are winning and just as you relax and ease off that's just the beginning:
It will feel like you've won but you are still sitting in the trash and all of a sudden magically you are counting all your cash, you'll do the math and understand that everything that's good in your life with this single bad choice you can lose and yet your mind on all of this logic conveniently pushes a button that says snooze...
Busy talking to someone and in the middle of a sentence you pause to think and then then all of a sudden; in a single moment you are on the brink. No trigger not even the teeniest or slightest warning just a huge fucking craving at 10 in the morning - that much you know as well as understand but can you really keep up with what staying sober of you does demand? This monkey on your back is always two steps ahead and when he gets in the way then about staying sober you can forget:
Quickly jumping on top of you with his missions demand, fuck bru - I don't even have cash on hand?!? Don't worry about the details my man, you and I together will always make a fucking plan....
So as you can see fighting doesn't work and forgetting about it will only cause it in the shadows to lurk, taking it slowly - baby steps and day by day, hopefully sometime this mentality of yours will go away. When? Fuck bru! I don't know but every step you take further away from it will show. When you are down and out the promises to never use again is easy to make but the moment things are starting to look up that promise is sooo much easier to break...
Quickly man! Just one for old times sake, you've been high & dry for too long now and we deserve a break. Yes, I promise you its just gonna be one hit.....? Here comes another wild ride that's once again gonna end in big shit!!!

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
— Albert Einstein


Are you to fucking stupid to realize what the fuck you are doing? I mean - you've gotta know how hard yourself u r screwing, you've been fighting for more than 10 years to get off this shit, your not even craving, not one little bit, everything in your life is starting to take shape and yet you make this choice your sobriety to rape?
You dumb motherfucker: you know where this path goes, look back at your live and see what history shows - that this is 1 fucking game you can't win, you must be really fucking stupid to even wanna begin, in this arena never again should you even show your face; but by god your standing right in front and ready to race?
How many more romantic suicides attempts will you try and how many more times over the same old shit will you cry? And then again you wake up face first flat on the fucking floor and just as you maybe start to level out you dive back in for more. How many more attempts on your life are you gonna make? How many more bad choices can one single fucking person make?
Usually just as things start to clear, when the beginning of a brand new life is near, just as life starts to get to that point you do something stupid like smoke a joint. Or for those who know me I go straight for the big gun cause personally I believe H is just so much more of a gambling-type fun BUT every time I touch that shit...I fuck out and that's it. In a second all aspects of my life will get scarred by a deep burn an yet I actually count the seconds till my next turn?
So what do u do if for more than half your life you've been fried? Normality, sanity, sobriety all that shit I've tried, it just doesn't do it for me and by making that statement I can see that I've got some serious fucking emotional problems lurking inside and the longer I stay sober the harder they are to hide...

'come on tell me.
make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just to thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.
make this all go away.
you make this all go way.

i just want something.
i just want something i can never have
you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this is slowly take me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.
i just want something i can never have.
in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.'

Something I Can Never Have - NIN

How much deeper?

Deeper harder and faster - that's how we addicts like to fuck ourselves over, no lube, no reach and most importantly as hard and violently as possible. So how many times do u like to pound yourself up the ass and then still pretend that you are screaming due to pain? Always just getting to a point where you can just start to see the light and just as you start to get closer you start fearing a new beginning, I mean it doesn't matter what u do from here, as long as u never ever use again everything will start sorting itself out...right? And then? What the fuck do you do? A certain part of you conveniently forgets about all the shit you have been through, all the time you wasted in the gutter and even more time wasted trying to pick yourself up. All the hurt, hate, destruction, the parts of your life you've lost, pawned, sold and even traded for a hit or two - maybe even three, depending on how smooth and sharp you were in the moment and that certain part of you forgets all the moments of cursing, shouting, screaming and wishing your life away. It also knows that the shits that's about to go down will gamble with everything that is good and pure and then you brace yourself for what you try to convince yourself was rape. Screwing yourself over like that - that's not rape! That's just plain outright fucking retarded, calling 99% of the general population idiots but if there was a competition for complete stupidity ill be the one that takes first prize, not even home but straight to the pawnshop and then its always a good time for a hit and that's the exact moment you sign up for that dreaded...what the fuck have I done to deserve this, sorry-ass attitude. How fucked up can one person be to actually want all this hate, anger, rage and negativity in their life yet there is a certain part of you that really struggles to let go but I mean: it really fucking struggles. This part overrides all common sense, all reason, all logic and understanding. It then casually shoves u out the way and takes control of your very being, your very fragile existence, overrides all reason and just goes into a direction. Your common sense and logic is trapped somewhere in there and its screaming to come out of this braindead mode you are in, showing u all the routes to escape, all the safe roads that will lead you home and then you realize the magnitude of your powerlessness and that is an eye opener. That one single second you realize how powerless you actually are and how extremely difficult its gonna be to get and stay in control again that's when u realize what a bitch this reality actually is and how fucking hard she can bite if you fuck with her.
How deep down does this rabbit hole go? Is it something you chose or is it something that chooses you?

'A hero is someone who rebels, or seems to rebel, against the facts of existence and seems to conquer them'
Jim Morrison


Its actually quite impossible to explain that something that makes you feel this good can cause so much pain, or was it the pain that put you on this quest to make yourself feel better, and then your quest took you to that huge horrible fucking letter, the big capitol 'H' the one that makes everything feel so much better. The love of your life that makes all your dreams come true, everything seems so perfect that giving yourself completely over seems like the right thing to do? Except for if you don't get it, things quickly go from half alright to completely shit. Little things start to happen: for istance so badly does your skin begin to crawl and you whole world feels like it burnt and then on top of you it did fall. Constantly vomiting up this bile-tasting green slime but that's also only if the diarrhea gives u time. Stomach cramps like no one has ever before experienced or seen - I can promise u that off dead u would have much rather been. But who focuses on the negative when once again you've got a needle in your vain; cause man this shit was created to to take away the pain. The big problem is when u dont get it, ofcorse! Then you start getting this huge feeling of remorse, in a second all of your shit and issues will slap-bang hit you in the face and all off a sudden to yourself you are a disgrace. Hating every second of what you have so casually turned into, really starting to grasp the reality that you really don't have a fucking clue. There are two operative words in a junkies' vocabulary firstly it's score and then that second word is always more...

'No man can lead man, we have to have unity' - Bob Marley

Qwerty & qwertyuiop

Think about it, how far you have actually come from that first bad choice u made, if u realize how much u actually had to trade, yes I agree a lot of knowledge and wisdom you did get out but living in pain and misery isn't the only thing the lesson is about. Although its difficult if your whole life all you've ever seen was some fucked up reality gone wrong and holy shit! I think it carried on for much too fucking long.
So how do u get out of this storm you've created all around you, all your options you've raped so maybe its time to try something new? But where do you start building when most of your reality is built on suffering and pain? Where do u actually draw the line as to what is right and what is sane? Never really knowing in which direction to take your very first baby step and that something so difficult yet so significant can be such a schlep...
All you can do about all this shit is sigh cause you can't forget about it by getting high. What started out as stupidity naughtiness and fun has taken so fucking much away from me that I feel like myself minus one. It turned into a fucking demon I couldn't control & the only thing It didn't take from me was my soul?

'Expression and the right to express is vital, anyone can be artistic' - Kurt Cobain

Saturday, 13 August 2011

And u thought you are fucked up?

Every second of every day, just waiting for the clock to strike 12 cause in reality you are just barely existing the 50 or so minutes between hits - every hour on the hour u need your fix, sometimes your habit spirals so badly that it gets to every 30mins and I can promise u thats the longest 1/2hr or hour of ur life - ok I'm lying if you wait for your dealer a hour feels like a year(although the asshole said 10mins) but anyway 8:00, 8:59, 9:55, 10:40 and then you realize if u go on at this speed - i'll b outta gear before your work day is over so you start panicking and then u focus more and more on the time - so i'll have to make up that 20mins with adding 5mins to each hour and that's when u really start stressing so i'll have to wait to 11:45 or maybe even 12:00 - then the fucking time starts dragging the fuck along and here from 11:43 till 11:44 is the longest fucking minute of your entire fucking excistance and just there and then you decide: fuck it! I've waited long enough and there is no better time than now, I mean one fucking minute, who can't wait for a single min, 60sec how long can 1minute be? Trust me if you are a smackhead in that 1 min u can lose ur fucking mind, go completely fucking bonkers, not being able to escape this splitting insanity that is occurring in ur life at this very second but if u think about it, it happens about 5 times a day when you are using junk, and people say only weak people use drugs - wake up and smell the motherfucking coffee, addiction carved you outta stone, strength that can't be taught in any institution on this little green and blue planet of ours, wisdom that raises the bar in ur existence and only if u can put this shit behind u and stop wasting ur time on all this unnecessary drama, shit and adventure in ur life then finally will you be able to take over the world and change it but the reality of the story is: You have to sort yourself out before you can start pursuing your dreams...

'You can live a lie until you die, one thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside' - John Lennon