Thursday, 7 June 2012

This is the end ??

Why the fuck cant i just take this one last step into the unknown? I know my path is at its end cause in my dreams to me its been shown? Yet why the fuck cant I get past day three? God! There has to be something drastically wrong with me? Going cold turkey has become part of my weekly routine, for once cant i just properly come clean? For fuck sakes cant i just turn my life around? To anyone whos never been addicted before: thats soo much fucking harder than what it sounds...
When youre high you know every right decision make, you can lay out the perfect plan and know excactly which road to take. You can visualize yourself being a success and taking over the world in a year, ready for anything and everything without a single dash of fear. There is fuckall in your life that you cannot achieve cause thats how hectically in yourself and your better judgement you believe, thats only when you are completely stupid eyed and your pupils are the size of pin points, and in your system a valium or two plus a couple of joints...
But when you body starts freezing and the shit pulls out your your system; thats when you find yourself stuck in another conundrum. All this belief and strenght you saw in yourself turns to into distant memories of shit, and all your plans of change and moving forward: it stays thoughts and thats it. Very rapidly starting to fear reality and all the pain life brings, and the worst songs of regret and failure your head shouts out and sings. Fucked up in the head and thats all i can say, lets just hope and pray i can beat this motherfucking cunt drug some day...

'You don't want to waste your life.
I walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me.
Change'

Counting Crows - A Murder of One

2 comments:

  1. Thats exactly how I feel too, optimism is great while it lasts but perhaps need to find a balance - realism perhaps? thats what im trying, its just gonna be the same broken dreams over and over , til one day...we learn to say 'No'....if only, it were that easy :-(

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  2. I have no idea if you are religious at all, but I stumbled across this video the other day that you might like to watch: http://youtu.be/ry8-YIwnEcU
    It talks about addiction and how to overcome it.

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