Fucked up

How completely blind and totally fucked up can one person really be? Around me everything is falling apart and getting blown to shit yet im too blind to see. Im trying my utter best to navigate though this self created shit storm whilst flying completely blind; and with vision thats less than zero and a storm that is not at all in any way kind. Waiting to fly straight and headfirst into a rock-face: blood, guts, gore and pieces of shit and organs splattered and spread all over the place...
So competely wasted and screwed up in your head you are, so far gone that you actually have to look down to see the furthest star. Really so over looking for yourself in all different places, seeing the one you love in all different peoples faces. Never ever will you be able to get redeemed of your wrongs and stand a chance of ever going back there, and also what you did to her innocence really was not in any way fair...
Three long years of pretending and lieing, millions of unnecasary tears we both spilt crying, if i could of only been honest from the start, maybe i wouldnt be sitting with this broken fucking heart. Time to let go, time to shine and let it show...

'I still recall the taste of your tears. Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears. My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore. Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore. You make this all go away. You make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing. I'm starting to scare myself'

NIN - Something I can never have

Denim

I dont know how the most people start their morning? Same as me i suppose - with alotta scratching and yawning, switch on the kettle to make a cup of tea, and here it starts getting fucked up and different for me. Light a boat to decently start the day, and then normality just slowly and steadilty starts coming my way...
Quickly jump through the most amazing blessing called a hot shower. Just to refresh, not hone like sweat and get a bit of daily power. Take a quick valium or two just to chill the fuck out and calm me down and also take away this all this unneccasary shit thats causeing this huge frown, sit on the loo and start making love with my favorite girl, my lady, my most beatiful angel called smack. Bad habit but i have to do it just to get your edge, control and love for the day back...
Hope your multi-vitamins has started working so long; cause this flood of shit going through my system will kill anything thats base isnt fucking strong. Followed with a couple of cigarettes just to put the cherry on top, sorta like reassurance that your liver has now once again officially been used as a freaking mop. Another quick boat for the stroll to the station to get the train, if you look closely our mornings arent that different - mine is just minus all the pain...

'Crazy, Toys in the attic I am crazy, Truly gone fishing. They must have taken my marbles away. Crazy, toys in the attic he is crazy.
You little shit you're in it now, I hope they throw away the key. You should have talked to me more often than you did, but no! You had to go your own way. Have you broken any homes up lately?'

Pink Floyd - the Trial (The Wall)

Drained

Really till the bottom of the barrel your energy levels are literally scraped bonedry and your every last bit of energy is completely drained, then you go on and pretend to the whole world that it is due to some unknown factor - something unexplained? You are so the king of bulshitting; a master all round. But if you end up bullshitting yourself its not as romantic and usefull as what i make it sound, cause when you can have a 'this is the last hit' thing going for a week, then all that empty horseshit promises and hollow words you can and might as well keep...
But somewhere now i really quickly and immediately have to pull up this freaking handbrake, i really have to make it work this time - whatever it may take. Utilise all my resources and just get with it over and fucking done! You've had your fucked up, bullshit and meaningless life due to your sick sense of 'fun'. Now the game is over and you really have big fucking issues with moving on or away, there is no better time as now, the present, i really mean now, this very moment of today...
So for what its worth, here i go again? I mean once again somewhere i have to begin. Now the question is: are these just empty promises mixed with bull-shit and whipped up with alot of hot air forming a sentence? Or is this one really sincere and for once thruth and action and for a change driven with some real penetance? Cause it just so fucking waisted and fucked up to have the feelings of cravings, anger and guilt hanging around you all day long. You really cant afford it at this time in your life - now you have to bite the fucking bullet and just try to be positive and stay strong...

'Get away from me, this isn't gonna be easy, but I don't need you believe me. Yeah you got a piece of me, But it's just a little piece of me,and I don't need anyone. And these days I feel like I'm fading away'

Counting Crows - Have you seen me lately?

Fuuuck!!!

So much anger and fustation for myself i am holding and bearing, with every intense beat of my heart it feels like my veins wanna pop open after an immense tairing, so much i could have done with the fucking money ive been spending on junk, there is absolutely fuckall in this flat but i have money to waste on grass and heroin - stupid fucking punk. Never ever in your whole measly exsistance have you been this dissapointed in yourself before. Cause its alrite if you're the only mouth to feed but nope: theres one more...
When my fucking stupidity and fuckedupness takes a hold of my logic, if you have never experienced heroin addiction before: its fucking toxic! When the part of you that is common sense gets thrown in the corner and you go into your own little world of overdrive, there is not much more in your small little world than your next hit you need and for the one after that to arrive. And the most fucking amazing part is that it not even as if you are enjoying it, all you can think is 'you stupid fucking cunt, let go and just flush the rest of this shit'...
Fat fucking chance of that little thought actually materialising, well actually youve done it before but what good did that bring? Just fucking pissed and annoyed with yourself cause an addict always wants more: So then like a brave man you flush the shit and then you're pissed-off cause once again you have to go and score. This shit really defines you in all sizes and every possible shape and form and its really fucked up that this reality is actually my norm...

'Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping. Left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted In my brain still remains. Within the sound of silence'

Simon and Gargunkel - The sound of silence

Sooo fucking over it?

Tired of being over life, tired of all this stupid shit, tired of giving love yet fearfully holding on for fear of losing it, over being the cunt in every single story, over being the topic of discussion, tired of not understandind but not gonna give up trying to. Tired of fighting for things that are mine yet it gets denied, tired of every fucking person dissing me for reasons known to no one but then, tired...i promise you im sooo fucking tired of being tired but...
I think im more annoyed, annoyed at life for giving but then again for taking more, annoyed at people that cant see common sense yet judging you, annoyed at the distance to the finish line and not coming any closer, annoyed with everything and everyone for being shallow and selfish, annoyed at people not even trying to understand what the fuck is up with life, annoyed at every stupid motherfucker out there for promising and not delivering, yet soooo fucking annoyed at myself for having to go against every rule ever made just to survive and fucking intensely annoyed at myself for being so fucking annoyed all the time...
Yet i think im also way fucking over, over lifes little pettinesess over everything, over not being able to get what i deserve, over not feeling love but always giving it, over meds, over situations, over circumstance, over every fucking raw hand that i dealt to myself, over darkness, over light, over life, over fearing death yet praying for it, over misunderstandings and detoxes, over being over fucking everything...
Yet im grateful for?

Fucked

And once again everything feels so hopeless and just so completely fucked up, its just fucking amazing how quickly myself i can fuck over and then again corrupt, so much fucking energy and effort i put into getting clean and a fucking week later its as if that excersize has never even been, straight back into this fucking routine of heroin, hate and hell, even starting to doubt if time will really tell...
With myself im so fucking angry, pissed off, totally annoyed, competely frustrated to the point of boiling blood, you cant even explain what the fuck im experiencing - all you know it is this huge heavy negative flood. Rushing and flooding through your head and just so badly fucking with your mind, and then to all the good in your life you are totally fucking blind. It gets so much that it actually starts manifesting physically, i mean how fucking annoyed at youself can you be?...
Why the fuck cant i get rid of this last little fucking binding tie, i mean how many more times do i still have to try, putting myself through a week of hell maybe once every month or so, after that fucking week ive even let all my other vices go. Really so much fucking pain and unneccasary crap im actually putting myself through, then i just fuck it up again but i know what the right thing is to do...
Is it maybe cause i like this fucking pain and feel comfortable in heroin addiction's misery and sadness? Maybe cause it shuts my mind up and blocks out all lifes horse-shit and all the fucking madness? Really fucking torn between two realities and they're both so cuntingly harsh and hard, maybe the fucking goals i set are so high that to prevent dissapointment im using this as a reason not to start? Whatever the twisted nature of the situation or plain and simple solution may be, i must open my fucking eyes for a change and not just look BUT SEE...

'A display of patience, Disease-covered Puget Sound, She'll come back as fire, To burn all the liars, Leave a blanket of ash on the ground.
Well I miss the comfort in being sad, I miss the comfort in being sad'

Nirvana - Frances Farmer will have her revenge on Seattle

I, Idiot!

Its just so fucked up cause it feels like im hard-wired to fuck out, im really so hard trying to figure this one out, its really as if breaking loose is in my reach but maybe another lesson life is trying for me to teach. Cause i mean why the fuck is it so difficult to let go of this shit, ive had a lot of tests in my life but i promise you that this heroin addiction, this is IT...
Why would the fuck would you run back to something that this week you spent all your energy getting away from? Why do you go and score when you absolutely and certainly know its so fucking wrong. There is literally fuckall in this flat to eat but in the last two days the cash wasted on smack would've made it able for two people for a week to feed. And now im pasing up and down cursing myself and constantly calling myself a big cunt, questioning my fucking sanity aswell wondering do i really know what i want...
Tomorrow is gonna be so much fucking harder to choose and choose right, i can promise you that this demon in my head is gonna put up a huge fucking fight. Im already feeling the anxiety in my stomach just thinking about it. Tomorrow is make or break day and there is no if's or but's or any of that other junkie-mentality bullshit. Now i really have to completely let go forever and a day and there is fuckall else on that topic left to say...

John Derek in knock on any door - "I wanna live fast, dieyoung and leave a beautiful corpse."

Fucking wanker

I can guarantee you that im probably the worlds biggest dick, clean for what is an exceptionally long time for this here clever prick, what do i do when the cash in my pockets start burning, and then all of a sudden your reality starts getting warped and then it starts turning, body shocking, shaking and breaking out in cold sweats; bad fucking choice and a huge fucking mistake and now all i have left is regrets...
So fucking annoyed and pissed at myself beyond belief and comprehension; shouting and cursing myself and in my head giving myself a fucking lecture and even an intervention. Just for a single second you lose focus and your gone - completely losing control, but this fucking annoying bump is not gonna take me away any further from my goal, i might have stumbled but fuck that im getting up again and nothings gonna keep me on the ground, i really have pull my finger out my ass and just fucking do it this time round...
As long as im constantly and conciously fighting it i suppose there isthe tiniest glinster of hope: and then on the other side you have this huge fucking addiction and craving for the sweetest love of your life: heroin, smack, dope. You get to a point where its just heroin, destrucion, anarchy and here and there a wee bit of light, and that i suppose gives you some reason to fight. But sometimes you feel so lost and fragile in this constant you versus heroin addition fullscale war: your whole life is fucked, you know right from wrong, health scares, the works i mean you have all the facts and yet you stupid little cunt, all you want is more...

'it's something I have to do. I was there, too, before everyhting else I was like you'

The Fragile - NIN

For fuck sakes!

Always walking and balancing on this thin fucking line, once a month wud b alrite but constantly and all the fucking time? This balancing act of yours is getting really fucking old and just too much, and everytime you lose balance and fuck out cause you get eager & then 2 fast you let go of the clutch. Once again your wobbling...

Fuck knows

I really dont even know why im writing al these shitty things i call poems? Why do i waste my time sitting at home, im really lost and witout a fucking clue, will i ever figure out what the fuck i need to do, and if i do will i break these fucking chains, is my body gonna survive all those aches and pains...

Little bit later

This statement is as absolutly sad as what it is true and now i ask you what the fuck is there left for me to do? Cause after the meds slowly seeped it way through this very clean body of mine: boy-o-boy but now im trully feeling fine. Never actually realized how hard these subutex tabs can actually kick, now this pharmesutical buzz is something i cant desribe or am i thinking like a dick?...
Emotional overdrive and reality all gone so smooth and distant, but as much as i love this on getting clean im completely persistant. Altho there mite be a problem to my grand plan, cause when it comes to getting buzz generating pharmesuticals - im the fucking man! Always a bag full of smarties in my pocket to clear the head, and the boxes full is at home in the cupboard next to my bed...
A sript for more supplies at the chemist, waiting for me! And at this pace it feels like it will always be. So i ask you where is this one going, is this a good or terrible doing. Well im in a heavenly buzz now so ill corncern myself with that question later on, when all the tables wear off and once again i stand at ground level - buzz GONE...

'reality bites' - a very wise person

He-he

Been 100% clean and without ant stimulants or meds for quite a while, i can promise you that life hurts so fucking much that i had no reason whatsoever to smile, excited about being soo clean and sober for sooo long, mind going crazy, body weak and cravings so unbelievably strong, see how long i can go without putting any stimulant in here, fuck me sideways - life's rougher and edgier than what i mite fear...
For the first time in over 20 years ive got real clean time, not one hit, one sigarette a valium or a subutex tab or two: fuck me sideways but in a million years this i never ever saw myself do? But i promise you that my body feels totally and utterly out of control and lifes sharp edges cutting and slashing me around every corner and turn, body anyways still fucked from all the torment i just put it thru then adding hells feroucious burn. Fuck if you could only realise how fucking far gone i was this relapse round, a junkies nightmare and not in all is it possible to give this a romantic sound...
But now im suffering so fucking bad with this motherfucking head of mine playing tricks on me but with the fucked up stomach and sore muscles its too difficult for me to see, one phone number constantly running and rumiging through me head, pass this one test get stronger take a tablet or two instead? Funny how quickly life becomes so smooth, realaxing and the whole place seems more fair, now if an opiate buzz is your normality, now thats a huge motherfucking scare...

'Practiced are my sins, never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..Yeah, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much inthis world to make me bleed.'

Pearl Jam - Just Breathe

??????

Grovelling at the devils feet just to take this mysery away, pleading and begging wit him but no! This game you wanted to play. No! you shall suffer till the bitter end, and the worst part is convincing yourself to like hell so you can pretend. Pretend tht everything is just fucking dandy and fine and yes i know where to draw the line...
Bullshit! I dont think that you were even aware that there was a stopping point cause your off smack but you standing with a big fat fucking joint, so much medication this morning you took, so fucking pale in the face that in the mirror you dont even wanna look. But your winning this battle you say? Well then, too you a big fucking hip-hip-hooray...
You know that every relapse is worse than the one before, yet youll always find yourself hammering away at hells door, quickly my lady let me in cause another round of misery i want to begin. Stupid is a word that this situation doesnt even explain! Why am i such a sucker for hell and all this emotional anguish and pain...

'here we are now entertain us'
Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit

24 hours - again

I quite casuallually and easily made the first 24 hours, cash in hand and then i lost my will and powers, but i believe that our universe has a plan, this is my time to shine and i can! Used a bit and threw the rest of the gear away, tht gave me so much strength that once again im past a day...
To someone that has no experience or not a lot, that dumb twat would say so fucking what? But you cunt: you have to start somewhere and i dont actually give a fuck what you think or care. I promise you ill sort out all my shit, and to those who pushed me away - ill even help you a bit.
Altho it is two in the fucking morning, everyone else is out and snoring, im king of everything thats around and walking, is that me or the subutex, pax, stilnox & ganja talking? I dont actually give a continental blue fuck or in laymens terms: care. Cause some how i know the tables will turn and once again ill see life on as fair...

'if it makes u happy - it can't be that bad; if it makes you happy - why the hell do you look so sad!'

Sheryl Crow - if it makes you happy

24 hours

Hectic shit - ive been clean for a day, hip-hip-fucking hooray! Give yourself a huge fucking hand, every junkie would understand what a step this is, but throught be told compared to what is coming this was piss! Now forward i can start to look for a while cause you're probably wondering when you fuck this up whith a style...
Not this fucking time round, how familiar does that not sound, you make it a couple of steps and just start getting strong. Then this motherfucker called temtation comes along. It really fucks with your head and scrambles your balls and then if your not careful you'll have one of your famous falls!
Or can you turn this one around? Weird and fucked up as it may sound. Maybe this one time i can get and stay up, not allowing my head once again to be corrupt, and now it just up and forward ill go, and this time round im taking it slow...

'dont worry about a thing cause every little things gonna be alright'

Bob Marley - 3 little birds

Everything is fucked again...or is that 'still'?

Gumlines recieding, organs fell as if they're bleeding, a whole life layed to waste, and at the end of the day all you were after is a horrible fucking taste, at first it puts you in a vommiting-dreamstate face first flat on the floor but now the only thing it causes is a huge fucking 'need for more'. Your whole god damn life is destroyed, everyone and everything around you is so pissed and annoyed. It used to be this warm cloud you were protected in; now its the destroyer and the root of all your lifes sin. And you really start to doubt if you have what it will take to turn your life around? And thats even more fucked up and much scarier than what it could ever sound. Other drugs are cravings and feelings of want, but not my best friend and worse enemy the little cunt. In that way heroin stand out way above the rest: cause if you're used to an early morning fix and dont get it youll make it to lunchtime at best. Shivering and freezing yet you've got sweat covering and running down your back, you feel fucked, confused and paranoid as if youre coming down from a nice binge of crack. Your legs they weigh a ton and the motherfuckers are aching, out of breath and you can't move very fast cause you're scared of them breaking. Nothing you force down your throat will for very long in your stomach last, itll come up with an added extra of foul tasting bile very fast, and you have to run to the shitter more than just once in a while. After a while your so out of it that on the toilet you just stay - heroin makes you feel like this and its the only thing that can take it away. I promise you that your in so much pain you cant even move and then when you get cash then all of a sudden you are up and back in the groove. You'll go and score with a lot of effort and pain, 'everyone knows, everyones watching' - paranoid and borderline insane. You finally make it home and take your fucking hit. Why? To feel normal and to be able to function and that's about it. This bitch of a drug fucks you up a million to one. Fucking weird and amazing to think for a while that this burden actually used to be fun?

'i dont know how i got this way, i know its not alright'

Linkin park - breaking the habit

Happy easter

From being 100% clean and my life was just starting to pick up, then the shit hits the fan and then once again im completely fucked. I was getting fit and getting in shape, but noooo! That fucking one hit i had to take. Why would i do such a stupid fucking thing? Did i think that this time round different results it would bring?...
By now i already know that each and every relapse is just more and more insane, and then theres so much more numbing to do when you fuck out again. When you realise that you are nearly excactly where you were a year ago, and now you just have so much less for it to show. So much more to of your life to pick up that it is actually crazy but you cant complain; it feels like it would be easier just to take a shotgun and surgically remove your brain...
God dammit im so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired! and it just so much worse than what it was when i constantly used to be wired. Its such a mission just to get out of bed and that before sunrise, when you're at work time goes backwards but the 3 hours u have for yourself? That flies. About all this shit im always dazed and confused, then im still far gone and completely lost and about that im really not amuzed.

'A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?'
Albert Einstein

Dazed and cofused?

I really dont have a fucking clue as to what im trying to achieve? Or am i just being myself, a stupid smartass that's just plain and simple: stupid and naive. So many times have i fucked myself over and over and just for shits and giggles: another time or two. Im completely out of fucking ideas as what with my life i should do. Lost on this wide and long highway of sin, fuck me running - where do i begin?
Same as always stop thinking and prepare, cause sometime or another for yourself you must start to care. Medicine, food and...by know you know what to get off by heart. I suppose starting to get all that stuff is a good start. Except for getting movies you are ready to start your going cold, i mean you convinced yourself, the deal is sealed so its sold?
Well if thats the case then im not doing well at all cause i cant even take that first step and start withdrawel. Blogging about it and dont want anyone i know to see it yet, but im trying to shove it down complete strangers throats on the net? Not just fucking stupid but idiotic, god dammit im a really stupid dick...

'I don't know just where I'm going But I'm gonna try for the kingdom, if I can 'Cause it makes me feel like I'm a man. When I put a spike into my vein And I'll tell ya, things aren't quite the same. When I'm rushing on my run. And I feel just like Jesus' son'

Heroin - Velvet Underground

Turning the tables?

All the deep and dark alleys that other people so badly fear, thats usually where i have to go to when i call 'mY mAn' and you hear those amazing words 'im here'. Been waiting for 10 minutes that felt like a week, and here by 5 minutes of waiting you really get very bleak. Dodgy is where i am going but the fear of it im not showing...
So weird all these fucked up places your love takes you. Not to mention all the fucked up shit she makes you do. Having this bitch you love so much in your life really brings you down, and without her in your life you really look and feel like a huge fucking clown. It even feels as if youre walking goofy when theres others around, and if youve experienced it - how familiar does that not sound?...
So with or without the love of your heart: both ways your screwed cause it feels like you are falling apart? Completely fucked up in so many more ways than one, fuck me sideways but this shit used to be fun? Now your life is just one huge fucking schlep and its even a mission just to get up and take a shower, most of the time thinking about whats left after your true love just took your life in one second and in the blink of an eye: devoured...

'And I talked to Jesus at the sewer And the Pope said it was none of his God-damned business. While the rain drank champagne. My Estonian Archangel came and got me wasted. Cause the sweetest kiss I ever got is the one I've never tasted'

Rodrigues - Cause

Ive run out of subjects a looong time ago

Really trying hard to get out of this catch 22, i mean what the fuck do i have to do? Sitting making promises to myself even shouting and swearing, anything you lay your white knuckled fists on is victim to a tearing? Really just always frustrated and pissed, annoyed at yourself for so much life you missed...
Since you can remember its always been the same routine, either on a buzz or planning on trying to stay clean. Thats basically all youve been doing since puberty, but now theres a huge part of you thats starting to realise about little details in life like security? And shit like this has never EVER bothered you before - but now the worrying is fucking bad and just getting more...
Sometimes it so bad that it feels like my fucking head is exploding, to much worry, stress and negativity thats constantly into my life downloading. My bandwidth is'nt handling it very well, and theres some people who by looking at me can tell? But fuck all those who said i wont be able to sort it out, ill make it and show them what im really about...

'Lets nuke the bridge we torched 2000 times before, this time we blast it all to hell. I've had this burning in my guts now for so long. My belly's aching now to say.
Stuck down in a rut of dislogic and smut, a side of you well hid...'

Green day - F.O.D.

Dumb fucking ass

Gumlines recieded, finances depleted, life layed to waste, after a horrible fucking taste, at first it put you in a vommiting-dreamstate flat face first on the floor but now the only thing it causes is a 'want for more'. Your whole fucking life is destroyed, by everyone around you, you get soo freaking annoyed. It used to be this warm cloud you felt warm and protected in; now if you had to name all the misey it causes in your life, you wont know where to begin...
You really fucked yourself hard with this heroin addiction, you still love her sweet kiss so much yet all she causes is friction? Anything you will do to get her out of your life but if you could then tomorrow you
would make her your wife. Shell take you by the hand and leave you right infront of the gates of hell, and if you're lucky she'll kick you through aswell. You love her so much and forever with her your life you wanna share, but about you she doesnt a fuck care...

'Emancipate yourself from mental slavery; none but ourselves can free your mind'

Bob Marley - Redemtion song

Better late than pregnant

Im always trying to figure out what the fuck is up in this life of mine - constantly worrying about my heart stopping or my organs just failing at anytime. Every day i've got this huge and shit scaty reality thats staring me in the face but i cant seem to put the pieces of my life into place....
Stupid fucking poems i write, even more stupid addiction i am trying to fight. Why the fuck cant i get out of this fucking stong current, i mean my shrink even threatened me with a warrant. I really dont have a fucking clue what the hell im trying to do...

'Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right. "Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout athing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!" '

Bob Marley - 3 little birds