Smack attack

After being so fucking cross-addicted to so many substance for 16 years, of all the drugs ive consumed heroin has left the most scars and tears. After walking through hell and having experiences like ive had, to just relax and go through life with no issues - fat chance to that. I dont even know why the fuck im writing, some days i dont even know why i still bother fighting...
So much fucking energy i waste goes into trying to quit, for enjoying life you dont even save a bit; Not even to mention having fun cause youre always on a mission - always on the run. Just chasing wind to keep the clucking away, and for that; any amount of money youll pay. And its not even a buzz your after anymore, its all just to feel normal and keep the pain away from your door...
To use something just to feel normal - what a fucking waste of life. All the misery it brings to your life is all over; just rife. Just hating every second of every day as it drags the fuck along. I promise you that literally everything in your life feels wrong. Heroin makes you feel like this and its the only thing that can make you feel right, and with all the aggression it brings every situation is a ring for a fight. Fuck man, what the fuck can you do, did you ever realise that yourself this hard you can screw???


'A jug fills drop by drop.'

Buddha

Elvis Presley

Spiking the vein, trying to take away the pain, actually to your door, youre just inviting more. Dont actually know what youre doing, one certainty is that yourself harder youre just screwing. Fucking yourself up in so many fucking ways, trying to hide youre desperate displays. Every fucking day its just more and fucking more, rain or shine the only thing you can think is 'go and score'...
Your day cant start untill youve gotten your first hit, sad reality for your life but that is it. Cant think about anything else than smack, every day fighting to get your life on track. Trying fucking hard to cockblock yourself to get out of this horribly fucked up routine but its so much fucking harder than what it seems...
The first 10 minutes of day one is quite cool and then after a shower your mind starts to work overtime and for a hit you start to drool. Then pacing up and down fighting with your pet monkey, after he wins and convinces you that you are a fucking junkie. You start counting you money and then you think you situation is quite funny. You jump up and go and score and for the rest of the fucking day its just 'one more'...

'Gonna get back to basics
Guess I'll start it up again
I'm falling' from the ceiling
You're falling from the sky now and then
Maybe you were shot down in pieces
Maybe I slipped in between
But we were gonna be the wildest people they ever hoped to see
Just you and me'

Counting Crows - Recovering the Satellites

Clueless - again or still?

Trying my utter best to atleast fail my way forward, i know if i overcome all this shit my life will show great reward, i know how much good will come from me just leaving everything behind - maybe for once ill start seeing life again as being kind? I know one simple choice will make all this shit go away, yet with myself and my life games i want to play. Ive got a drawer full of meds for the clucking - yet still with the smack i am fucking...
Its not the coming clean that is the bitch; you might think omg thats fucking rich! But its the staying clean thats the bastard thing cause mudundane, mindnumbing boredom is what to your life it does bring. Everytime you go to the loo you think its cold turkey youre going through. Smack has really shaped your life in a million aspects, taught you different new ways for life to respect.. Still its such a bitch to get away from this shit, fuck me sideways - i dont know how but i just have to fucking do it!!!


'Dream and give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be.'

Joy Page

Again...whatever or a quick thought

Going through fucking hell, pain and misery to find your way to go home again, and in the blink of an eye, one single moment of weakness completely losing it as the opiate addiction takes complete control of your body and brain. Go through this huge fucking mission of finding your feet once more, then once again you trip youself and allow life to kick your feet out under you and you end up on the floor. You love and give with all the passion that your heart and soul does posess, in return you get the gift of a guilty conciouns, inferiourity, remorse and deep dark heavy cloud of hatred hanging around you all the fucking time. Against all your knowledge, experience, and better judgement you open yourself up to trust, very quickly once again you realise why you find it so fucking difficult to let people in and why i keep them as distant possible, prevention is better than being shat on i suppose...

'Everything has beauty, but not everyonesees it.'

Confucius

Ta-da!

Broken and im talking completely fucking shattered, why im saying this i dunno cause to no one its ever mattered. Pissed on and im talking drenched and soaked all the way through, ah well what the fuck is there to do? Inflicted all this shit in my life so i must just stop bitching, make a plan and turn everything around, althought its much fucking harder and more complicated that what it does sound...
Writing and bitching about it wont get me anywhere, i mean pissing and shitting blood wasnt enough although i got a huge fucking scare. Immediately made a thousand and one promises to stop, taht plan lasted about a hour and then it turned into a huge fucking flop. Cause my system is so fucking confuckulated that even when i get hungry, the difference between the two 'cravings' my mind cant even see...
Now you tell me thats not a fuckup deluxe and this heroin addiction does anything but sucks? Normality is like a pipe dream and its more fucked up than what it does seem. Everyone says 'but why dont you just say no', pick up this habit and then how simple it is to me you show. This is one curiousity and question that doesnt need answering cause pain, misery and everything else thats fucked up to your life it does bring...


'Mr Rabbit says: a moment of realisation is worth a thousand prayers'

Natural born killers

Hope

I dont think anyone would ever understand the relief that im going through, all i know is somewhere i made a right choice and a did a right deed too, but its going so much better than expected, since my old ways i rejected. I just wish i can stay in this state of mind im currently in, cause then this round i can only win...
But i really have to stay on top of it this time, cause just one slip and it fucking over again, one bad choice and all the strenght is gone and over, then you need more than prayer and a four leave clover. Fuck it really sucks dick bigtime and then afterwards you revert to crime? That road i dont again want to follow cause thats a bitter fucking pill to swallow...


'Every goal, every action, every thought, every feeling one experiences, whether it be consciously or unconsciously known, is an attempt to increase one's level of peace of mind.'

Sydney Madwed

Pornography, heroin and grunge

I promise you it literally feels as if my head's in a fucking vice, if it wasnt for the feeling of my head bursting open and my eyebolls popping out it could actually be quite nice. But nooo!! My freaking head feels as if wants to explode and over time all this shit will make your braincells corrode. If only you can get back all the time you've wasted over romantasizing about stopping this shit; your life would be light years ahead and theres absolutely no doubt about it...
Yet would you like the place where it woulde been? Would you have had all the wisdom youve had if you havnt experienced everything youve seen? Thats a question with answers thats so fucking complicated, thinking about all the outcomes will only leave me frustrated. More frustration that addiction is causing? To get to the answer is it even worth pausing...
A million and one different outcomes there couldve been, and i aint shitting you on that - do you know what i mean? Burning even more braincells to contemplate another outcome, shit man that doesnt sound like fun. Anyways; i really dont have a fucking clue, so what the fuck is there left for me to do? The only way i can answer that question at all is to clear my head by going through a serious case of detox and withdrawel...


'Hello, Is there anybody in there. Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home. Come on now. I hear you're feeling down. I can ease your pain. And get you on your feet again'

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

Another huge fucking sigh - again!

The only things that this crap causes in your life is alot of negative shit, hate and regret. Dont forget the anger and dissapointment and always being fucking broke - vet pret! But you will fuck up everything that is good and right then still go out of your way to go and get more; your sanity and conscience is literally imprisoned in this body thats on its way to go and score. Everything that is good, sensible and pure in you is shouting and screaming at you not to go! Yet like a stupid fucking cunt you just procrastenate and then who is boss? That to you the smack will show...
Its totally fucked up not to be completely incharge of the choices you make, even more fucked up the chances this shit gets you to take. You are somewhere inside this fucking shell, unfortunately the faint shouting and screaming in the back of your head is the only way you can tell. Your body is like a runaway train on this huge mission to go and get smack and this little piece of you is like a fucking toothpick that gets thrown on the track, just laying there supposed to stop this fucking train. I know there is no logic in that statement but same as addiction its completely fucking insane...

'A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.'

Oscar Wilde

Jesus Christ

Still not seeing that this numbing out of all the pain and shit in my life really doesn't fly? Maybe you're just using it as a very well masked justified excuse to permanently stay high? Well, whatever your poor lame-ass and pathetically patched together excuse may be? You're anyway stll to blantantly ignorant and fucking naive to see...
Cause you know the difference between their rights and wrongs but your rendition is a completely different fucking song. Cause yours involves a little detail called common sense; and that makes the whole situation a lot less tense. Just a pity that implimenting it in your life is so much easier said than done and that constantly being on a buzz from time to time is still fun...
See how quickly i can bullshit myself and change the subject, they shouldve sent me back to the factory with a huge red stamp saying: REJECT. Or? Maybe i shud just pull finger and start doing what im supposed to be doing and stop repeating this process where myself i keep on screwing. Fucked up and lost and that i wont deny, pumping my veins full of shit to try, to get me high, make sure my brains i fry, causing depression yet still i dont have tears to cry, wishing out of this situation i could just fly, wondering when im going to die, before i start boring myself and you i better say goodbye, sad fucking reality: my 'oh my...


'This is the end. Beautiful friend. This is the end. My only friend, the end. It hurts to set you free. But you'll never follow me. The end of laughter and soft lies. The end of nights we tried to die. This is the end'

The Doors - The End

Anger

How do you do this; where the fuck do u start?
i suppose u have to get rid of all the violence in your life and in your heart, much easier said than done, but thrashing someone that deserves it is always fun. With every single shot that you connect, you should actually take a moment just to reflect, on why you are so angry and fucked up in the first place, and then also the thought of being the families big disgrace...
Every family has a member like me, you dont even have to look very closely to see. We stand out like blood stains on a white sheet, when people walk past us they stare and study us from our head to our feel. You can actually feel their eyes burn holes through you while they stare and bystanders without sunglasses could go blind from the glare. Then when you ask them: what the fuck are you looking at they usually reply: i wasnt looking at you, why...
Yet cause im the addict; right am i never, and this fucking label will stick with me forever. That i promise you sucks dick, and getting rid of it is a huge fucking trick. But at the end of the day should i really actually give a fuck, although bigtime it does suck. Well i suppose everyone could just fuckoff and die, but if i say it to their faces then im in the wrong - i wonder why???


'I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did.That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.'

Chris Rock

Rumble

Completely gone is all this motivation that was pumping through my veins in the past: i just have to find a different way or reason to build it up again and to make it last; dont have a fucking clue as to how and from where, maybe about myself, health and life i should start to care. Its quite difficult while you are down in the slums and dragging your feet, every now and then your heart skips a beat...
That should be enough to make a normal person change their way; but no put another bullet in the revolver and another game of roulette ill play. Its really as if something in your head just isnt ticking right, how many more times must i get up with a fight. Yet the only fucking person im fighting with is me; but fuuuck!! A more skilled opponent it couldnt be. Every step and every weakness this little bastard knows and in the attack strategy and timing it really shows...
Sometimes it really feels like myself i have to outwit and outplay. God this bastard is sharp and knows every move and gets nasty if he doesnt get his way and just when i think i have him down on the ground; he gets up fitter and fresher for another round. Its might sound like ive got a split personality but only if youve been addicted the sense in this you will see. Im not gonna give up and already im planning my attack strategy for the next round, and if youve never been in this position: how fucking crazy must this not sound...


'Get away from me, This isn't gonna be easy
but I don't need you believe me. You got a piece of me. But it's just a little piece of me. And I don't need anyone. And these days I feel like I'm fading away'

Counting Crows - Have you seen me lately

Brain fried

Call me stupid, call me a dumd fucking arse, maybe i burnt my brain with all the chemicals or maybe i smoked to much grass? Make a choice cause the facts i wont be able to specify, you shouldnt take my word for it anyway cause most of the time i am high. Actually most isnt even remotely close cause in my system there is always some kind or another dose. Just a simple example to show what i mean; at work on the telly i saw hockey being played by our national team...
Asked one of my co-workers why are they showing a sport on tv thats not very big in RSA? I dont know who was more surpsised when i heard what she had to say: 'cause its the olympic games' was what she said, i nearly killed myself laughing and im talking - dead. Now im thinking maybe its got nothing to do with my brains that some people think has turned to jelly, maybe its cause i just dont bother with watching the fucking telly...
Listen to the radio or reading the newspaper is also not on my attenanary, they are all brainwashed so then what is it with me? Altho i pump chemicals into my veins, except for the little addiction problem there is not much wrong with my brains. I just choose what data goes in, and because of that the strangest assumptions does it bring. But anyway im the one who apparently doesnt have a fucking clue? Fuck me sideways; what is an addict to do???


'He who learns but does not think, is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.'

Confucius

so much shit over a sincere apology

I hope not once you doubted how much i love you, i hope u know that there is nothing ill ever refuse you. Sometimes the truth is more complicated than any lie youll ever find and not often does logic make a woman emotionally blind? It must've been very hectically in your face, the love of your life, the heroin-junkie, the big disgrace. The stigma attached is much stronger the the dreaded 'addict' before your name, but for fuck sakes why does everyone have to use it cause not everyone is the same...
Do you really think im gonna die a statistic, fuck that shit - ill rather suck a huge black dirty dick. The harder i get punched to the ground, the greater does the challenge of getting up sound. No one tells me that im not capable of stopping this shit, they can go and fuck themself with a big elephant dick and that is it. The faster and harder you kick me to the ground, everytime it will be faster and harder - the me getting up sound...
Like a rocket struggling just to get in the air, but once im up and going the people who know me are usually in for a huge fucking scare cause amition and inspiration fucking oozes out of me, and any motherfucker that knows me can this part see. Yet when my mind starts to have its annual wake, then dumd cunt me: a hit ill take. All that effort and hard work straight to the fucking floor, and then shit, debt, hate pain and suffering just gets more...
Youve changed me forever angel

'I'm not a perfect person, There's many things I wish I didn't do. But I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go: That I just want you to know - I've found a reason for me, To change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is you'

Hoobastank - The Reason

Soooo?

Wake, bake then the days first mistake,
blissed, no pissed cause the fucking vein you missed! Confused, and not at all fucking amused hey fuck atleast yo used. Junkie mentality, let it be? Open your eyes and for once the truth you will see. Rock then roll and afterwards to the devil you sell your soul. Chase, base and when its done of tour cash there is no fucking trace. Come clean, how long has it been since your true self you have seen. Well, burn in hell, i suppose only time will tell...

'Lose not yourself in a far off time, seize the moment that is thine.'

Friedrich Schiller

Very deep, huge creep, lack of sleep

I am stoned and a negative creep, scars in me life dug very deep, sitting and nodding on my way to my work every day, fortunately a little bit of the buzz will stay: untill about half of my shift has passed, then prayer, medication and perseverance will help me last. So much shit, so much frustation, i really wish i could say it was an over-exaggeration. This heap of shit the smack caused here, i wonder what it would take to sort out this shit complete and clear. Wake up anxious as can be, then only with heroin inflicted tunnel vision you can see. Your bodys not sore but your mind is racing, this is a huge fucking dilemma i am facing. All i want to do is blow out my fucking brain but to the one person that cares about me this will cause alot of pain. I mean hes seen our mom and dad both die, i cant be the reason for him again to cry. The rest of everyone can all go and fuck themselves hard, there is so much more they can do but thats a start. All the fuckers that pretend to be concerned, love and care; go to fucking hell, do us all a favor and stay there....


'An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.'

Mahatma Gandhi

Here we go again...and again, and again, and again and...

Do you see a fucking pattern emerging, can you see that absolutely no happiness it can and will bring. How fucking hard can it be to stick to a single choice you make? How much more punch can this body of yours take. Yet you constantly you fuck it up and fuck around, dont even let anyone convince you that like fun this does sound. I stroll through hell is what you are taking, a fuckup of your life is what you are making. Picking yourself up and then falling fucking hard: then you are stuck again right at the start...
So how are you gonna get out of the spiral this time? How are you gonna pick up everything and make it all fine? Why the fuck do you think you are soo bloody clever? Dont you understand the meaning of not again ever?


'An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.'

Buddha

Moving forward

Its about letting go of these defuncked and broken pieces that you've adopted along the way that no longer work for you, its about taking the lessons youve learnt on the path you took and having a complete understanding towards them is what you need to do, its about resetting your mind and having a complete makeover of your reality, its about creating a balance in your life so for once you can just be, its about releasing all the negative energy that youve built up in your life, its about getting rid of all this self-inficted fucked up shit that in your world is so rife...
But how do you get rid of all this fucking crap? but how do you let go and take what is yours back? How do you gather the pieces of a life that blew up, shattered and splintered and then paste it back together? How in the name of god do you make sure it sticks forever? How do you balance on this tightrope without once again falling? How the fuck do you make sure you dont end up back in a hole where the only way out is crawling???
To move forward so much strenght and energy does it take, to fuck out again completely only one wrong choice you have to make. Everything you picked up can be dropped and shattered with one single slip, before you realise youre sitting on the loo and from your arms the blood does once again drip. So simple to stay on the path narrow and straight, yet when the thought of using wins you cant fucking wait; to take a gamble with all the strenght you have built over what feels like years and then another explosion, a relapse and a manifestation of all your fears...
Once again, you are adrift...


'Thanks for your time and you can thank me for mine, and after thats said, forget it.'

Rodriguez - Thanks for your time

Dong-dong-motherfuckers-ding-dong!!

Every-fucking-thing that i write always sounds the same, maybe its cause of the way all the chemicals burnt my brain. Or maybe i should work in my vocabulary, then a slight difference ill start to see. Cant blame the drugs for everything that goes wrong, youll only start to see what i mean if youve been using just as long. I could blame it cause its quite a convenient escape hatch, but then to me there would even be a bigger stigma from which i need to detach...
Already billed and labelled as a junkie of note, all the negative shit thats been said i cant even quote. Not cause im embaressed or cause its not true but cause there is really too much to remember mind you. You actually get used to it after a while, you dont even get pissed off anymore you rather react with a smile. True as hell some of the things about myself that i hear, when some people see me no wonder they react with fear...
Holding their phones and their wallets they hold onto so tight, not all addicts steal you cunts; get your facts right. I suppose all this shit comes with the territory - just remember theres an exception to every rule and to this rule its me. Try to explain it to all the narrow-minded cunts out there, especially the hippocrates that pretend to care. To your face their all nice and a smile plastered on their face - not even two steps away and theyll tell everyone 'god that junkies such a disgrace'. But what the fuck can i do about it?...Well?...to all you two faced fuckers: eat shit!!!


'Take your time, think alot. Why think of everything youve got. For you may still be here tomorrow but your dreams may not.'

Cat Stevens - Father and Son

subutex for breakfast, suboxone for supper and heroin for a snack

Sometimes its so fucking hard to stay true too who you really are, its like looking at a distant galaxy or star. Wishing that you could get back to where it all began, instead of saying yes i maybe I shudve ran? As fast as my short and stubby legs wud carry me and this big fucking cloud of dust is all u would see. Running to get away from all your shit, sounds good but no real sollution is it. Its just so fucking hard to face this shit on a daily basis, like being lost in the dessert and looking for an oasis, lips chapped and dry, so fucking over it your about to cry, you look up and what do you see, fuck me sideways - could it be. Running towards what you see as your saviour, so glad all this shit you did persevere. Do a backflip to land in the water, just to get over this fucking torture. Ending up with a mouth full of sand and you are even more dry, for fuck sakes its so easy to relapse - but why?


'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.'

Billy Wilder

Google

So hard do you beg for strenght and for mercy, cause all i want is to kick this fucking habit and go back to being just me. No chasing the clock for your next score, cause all that brings in anyway is just this huge want for more. Cant go on living your life just running after a your next fucking hit, and all it causes is hate, anger, frustration and alotta other unneccasary shit. You know every single complication and yet you cant get yourself to stop? You are literally turning your everything into an even bigger flop...
So fucking confusing is this dilemma you are facing, the complications and cravings are even worse than basing. One fucking hit and all your hard work goes down the drain, and your life returns to misery and pain. How the fuck does this shit in any way make sense, the only thing im sure of is that it leaves you so fucking tense. You know what happens if this one single bad choice you make yet unconciously you make a choice your sober streak to break...
I know that other people think you are fucked up, stupid and wasted, to go back to all this pain and misery youve tasted. Yet when then somthing inside you gets a hold of your personality, and this motherfucker just cant let you be. No it has to give you a push right back into the abyss - and of all your hard work it has to take thw piss. I wonder if there is a 'right way' to get it right to quit? And if there is god dammit when will i find it???


'As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.'

Mel Brooks