Sunday, 31 July 2011

Sex, drugs and hardhouse

Dying a slow and painful death every day, fucking up your whole life and then silently and desperately wishing it away, how much truth lies within this life completely ripped to shit and what in the name of god did you do with it? So many chances flushed down the fucking drain and in all those around you are constantly inflicting pain, always pushing your body's chemical tolerance to the max, not even taking one single fucking second to relax, then release all that's bad directly into the batter; then the emotional fuckups you're faced with will cause quite the shatter. After 16 years you take your 1st try to make a fresh start but why in the name of god does it have to be so fucking hard? Fearing a life free of struggling, addiction and filled with lies and covered in hate? To any normal or sensible person that would sound so beautiful, amazing and refreshingly great? Yet u have this deep nauseating fear running through every single part of your very existence - and boy does it knock, bang and hammer on you with persistence. How do u overcome a fear that is so majestic, overpowering in every sense of the word and then as well so great, the most sensible thing to do is to engage with yourself in huge motherfucking debate? Telling yourself over and over shit that for years you already know but in the way you live your life and make choices it hasn't even begin to show. So then what is the next step one should persue, what the fuck else is there left to do...? Patiently reak this thing open from the inside out, try to understand what it is really about? So many different ways to try and overcome this thing, yet you are afraid of what a happier and brighter tomorrow will bring, free from these opiate chains that are doing a fucking good job of tying you down and if you don't start moving forward then in this sea of addiction you will definitely drown and die a horribly slow and painful death and you can take my word for it: you will suffer untill your last breath...

'I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
you are the perfect drug'

The perfect drug - NIN

What the fucking hell!????????

Without actually looking for it you'll always find a fucking excuse, any reason 2 forget about logic and then once again you go and fucking use, always lying to yourself, literally all the bloody time, justifying it with things like: if no-one knows its not a crime, once your mind is inclined that way, nothing will make your bad thoughts stray, while you are busy counting your money, in the back of your mouth you can taste the bittersweet honey, after the first hit follows the most beautiful warm glow and then out the window does all that's bad and negative go? Everyone knows you cant take away your pain and sorrow but if it's helping for now so we can stress about it again tomorrow. For now just focus on not focusing on anything, well nothing that any bad vibes will bring, sadly - what goes up must come down and that always causes a huge motherfucking frown but fortunately what goes down only has to recover and sometimes a bit of yourself you'll also discover...so what the fuck am I actually trying to say? drugs will temporarily take your problems away? Quite sadly its not always and forever though - just till the next time you lose yourself and then that one huge hit you throw, then there in the back of your mind again for a while but I promise you when they come back they hit you over the head again with a style - magnified times a million and one and that's the part of being sober that's not too much fun. But sometime or another all this shit you'll have to face so rather pick yourself up and do it with grace than crawling out of a huge heap of shit and the saddest reality is that u created it. Now who would b idiotic enough to create all this chaos and destruction in their own life, how the fuck can u b stupid enough to be the creator of all this strife?

'the child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably numb'

Comfortably numb - Pink Floyd

Friday, 29 July 2011

Sick fetishes ????

A kind of warm breeze like feeling softly and gently running afloat through your body, your mind, yor imagination - floating and tingling through your spine, up, down, up, down soothing, caressing, relieving, relaxing. Like u finally see the truth and get connected to a deeper meaning, a deeper understanding. Forcing the boundaries of your mere existence, realizing the bigger picture, understanding and comprehending the greater good, how many more times do have to lie, rob and manipulate yourself into believing you don't yet understand all of this just so you can take that same deadly roller-coaster ride again, add a second or third bullet in the gun just to spice up that old boring game of Russian roulette just to steal more and more of your nonexistent strength, completely draining your already depleted energy levels, turning your sense of self-empowerment and turn it into complete, total and utter feeling of powerlessness, your sanity will go back to being borderline again in a fraction of the time it took you to regain it. It will steal years and years of your youth in every second you engage in this absolute stupidity, your innocence will get shattered and raped; over and over and over and then over and again, the very flame that burns, drives and is your passion will wither and die and then eventually (although you've been silently and quite regularly been praying for it for years) it will slowly and painfully take your life. Its so fucking stupid, idiotic and plain right arrogant that you actually open yourself up to it, yet its so refreshing that you actually embrace it with every single cell in your existence. Just wanting and needing more and more of this consuming and painfully slow and romantic suicide - completely, totally and utterly intoxicated by this overpowering warm, secure and extremely homely feeling that to an insecure, uncertain and completely unbalanced individual it could get mistaken for a mothers touch, even a warm loving and tender hug, completely misinterpreted as love and then used as a substitution for the real thing. Being so naïve and unstable one does not pause for a single second to remotely begin to even start suspecting that this is your worst enemy quite cleverly disguised as your best friend, your long lost love, the answer to all your questions and the solution to all your problems. Imagine being yourself plus one with the added bonus of risking and maybe even losing every little thing you've got and everyone that you've ever cared for plus everyone that's ever cared for you and really trusted you and trust is one of the hardest things to earn back but its one of the easiest things to lose again and again and then never fucking ever again that I can promise u - ripped out under your feet like a rug, no warning not even a hint just one second you're still standing and the next thing you see you are alone in the dark, flat on your face in this huge pile of shit you have just created for yourself by being your clever old fucking self again. Where do we go from here?

'Once I had, a little game
I liked to crawl, back in my brain
I think you know, the game I mean
I mean the game, called 'go insane'

you should try, this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect, a different steeple

This little game, is fun to do
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right there, I'm going too
Release control, we're breaking thru
Way back deep into the brain
Back where there's never any pain'

The celebration of the lizzard - jim morrison

Friday, 22 July 2011

fuck

So how deep and far can one person fall, how my times can you promise yourself that this is the last time that you put yourself through this fucking withdrawal, how much can you actually hate and curse this miserable little life of yours, shouting and screaming for help until you're hoarse...
constantly climbing and crawling out of this huge heap of shit that you so conveniently and casually put yourself smack-bang straight in the fucking center of, slowly eating away and consuming every shred of your existence, your being, yourself and then after years and years of suffering eventually your life. And yet every single time you make the same stupid fucking decision to conveniently forget about all the pain and suffering you put yourself through and that is when your mind starts running away with you and your body loses complete control. And round about here is where reason and common sense gets casually tossed to the side and the once again you find yourself falling and falling and before u even notice you are right back in that heap of shit you started in...only much fucking deeper.

'We're perched headlong
On the edge of boredom
We're reaching for death
On the end of a candle
We're trying for something
That's already found us'

Jim Morrison - an American prayer