Monday, 29 March 2010

Wha'eva




Want 2 be, can you see, i am not the real me, definitely not free. lost is my soul, fuckt is my goal, lost as a whole, me-is for whom the bells toll. knowing im gone, not sure where im from. crying in the rain, lost without this pain, completely insane, lying is my game, yet i do it with shame. still i am growing with every curve ball life is throwing, not knowing where the fuck im going, shit man- its showing.

Sunday, 28 March 2010

still on about it




crazy is-crazy are, try 2 wish upon star, completely losing your
mind, yet you are still thinking you are one of a kind? failing and
falling-completely off the rail and everything else decided 2 fail.
should i stay or should i go? how the fuck am i gonna start saying no,
just quit and walk away, that aint happening-not today. as badly as i
wish it could be, already the real truth i know and see...

Friday, 19 March 2010

believe in?


Another day, another reason 2 pray, just wanting the best, forgetting
about the rest, how much more suffering can you go through, what the
fuck are you gonna do? how much more can you bare, through all this
hate and despair, being high all the time, why is it a crime, the only
one i hurt is me, the rest are 2 blind 2 see, what i am really doing,
cause im the only one im screwing, stealing away from my own life bit
by bit, then eventually turning it completely into shit. once you
accept this fate the rest turns out quite great, the more time you took
and the deeper you get 2 look the more you will understand how much of
you an addiction can demand, taking away everything that once was you
and building back someone very true, sometimes bad, mostly sad,
stronger than before with lots of wisdom plus more, another day,
another 10 million fucking reasons 2 pray...

blue?






falling, sinking, deeper and further, not caring 2 much, want 2 care-
or do i? can i? what is the fucking point, u can never b free, wanting
2 understand but are we truly capable of understanding or is it not
better if we rather dont have a clue as 2 what the fuck is going on,
ignorance is bliss or is it? dont run away from your problems but if
you insist i suggest the faster you run the more time you have 2 find
a decent hiding place, you cant hide forever, you can if you take
enough provisions. how much is 2 much and how much more can you take
after you have officially had enough? and then you open your eyes and
get a surprise...

Thursday, 18 March 2010

dont think this is a subject


2 many questions, not enough answers, 2 much 2 do, not even enough
time 2 plan a proper journey and already you have 2 pretend 2 enjoy
the ride, being forced into the complete opposite direction by someone
with a smile on their face and a good intention in their heart, so
much fear for change yet praying for it 2 come morning, noon and
night, losing your fucking mind while your are fighting for your own
sanity, looking at your watch and realizing that once again you are
late for work, not caring about it yet worrying about it while you are
on the way there, complete and total peace of mind in the system goes
hand in hand with losing who and what you are and working towards
getting it back means less or no more peace of mind, what are we
fighting for cause no matter what the outcome cash is king and he with
no money will be the cunt and then if you make a lot of money it turns
you into a bigger cunt, a losing battle or just someone losing their
mind?

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

skibadedooda



A huge fuckin struggle inside of you, what the fuck can you do, trying
2 get rid of this huge part of me, the thing that made me see, the
truth about all this shit going round, as fucking weird as it my
sound, it broke me down- all the way into the ground, then through
hardship and pain, it built me up again, much stronger than before,
better and stronger and wanting more, out of this fucking life, only
if i can get over this freaking strife, going on inside of me, just
you wait and see...

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

These subjects are killing me


2 fried 2 even write a poem, 2 baked 2 even wanna get home, all you
want 2 do is sit and chill not having much of a free will. wishing u
were dead, i think that is enough said, how can u still carry this
another day, wont this shit just go away. taking it one day at a
fucking time is worse than commiting a crime, but we have 2 push
through, what else can we do. we cant just throw our hands in the air
and pray cause we have 2 get something 2 take this pain away, from
your lower back to your toes, jip thats about how cold turkey goes,
dont forget the spasms and the cold sweats and the sleepless nights
full of regrets. after a week of hell the boredom sets in and that is
when the real fun will begin...

not sure yet


from the shattered youth, right through 2 your moment of truth, how
the fuck do you dare, talk about all this pain you bare, lost in
oceans of shit, yes that is about it, sink or swim, loose or win,
completely out of my fucking mind, at least im not the only one of my
kind, or am i cause ill never know, cause we the druggies hardly show,
the truth we carry inside cause society forces us to hide, why? oh
please let me tell, cause them thinking they are better than us
fucking smell, cause much stronger than them we are, and much more
evolved by far.

still blah-blah


How do u pick this up, how do you 'come right', how the fuck are you
suppose to sort this out. all this shit was not done in one day and
there is no fucking way it gonna get undone in a day, some much energy
got put into this delicate procedure of fucking up a perfectly good
life- so perfect, so pure, so much potential, capable of anything and
everything but nobody couldve ever imagined how capable i was of
fucking up that perfect everything so good and solid. the only thing
that is still left is a big, stinky pile of morals, why stinky? cause
morals kinda get in the way when you are hooked on smack, i can
promise u that. a junkie that doesnt steal, who the fuck is gonna
believe that? i wont, a junkie that doesnt lie about anything exept 4
his addiction, what the fuck is this world coming 2- heroin addicts
that dont lie, steal, cheat, eat meat, white starch or anything
processed or out a factory- no wonder im so fucking misunderstood
cause i dont even understand that myself or could it be a cover,
created by my subconcious to protect me because no one can see the
real me under all of this and i promise u if they found out the truth
everyone will say they knew all along and ill be back at square one,
getting blamed for everything from a cellphone that dissapeared 500
years ago to global warming and im so not in the mood for all that
shit cause i hardly have the strenght for this...

eish?



Whoopi-fucking-doo! Im totally fucking screwed. Once you're hooked on
smack, it feels like there is no turning back. you fuck yourself over
hard, without having any regard, for who or what you are and you're
left with this huge fucking scar. it follows you where ever you go and
the only thing you have to show for this life you fucked up so well is
a stupid fucking story 2 tell...

Get there?


Brain is standing still, trying 2 think is like pushing a train upill,
no creativity left in my mind, only hate, destruction and all things
unkind. On a buzz 24/7, 2 some it may sound like heaven, but the
reality behind the story is its not all glory. its more a relationship
built on hate, doesnt this addiction thing sound great. hating every
second of your life as it goes by, wanting 2 quit all the time- i want
2 see you try. cause the moment you stop using, that is when it gets
confusing. insanity keeps knocking at your door and the muscle spasms
keep you on the floor, crawling out of your skin- thats where the fun
begins. throwing up from morning 2 night- yep it sound about right.
you think being hooked on smack is fun, its much easier 2 get a gun,
and put an end 2 this shit, yep that sounds like it...

Saturday, 13 March 2010

not again?


from total strength to crippling pain, lost one more time-my fucking
brain, purity and intentions went down the drain, holy shit-not
again... what the fuck is there left 2 do, when this hard yourself u
screw, whoopi fucking doo, no-one gives a shit about you... maybe some
freaking day, all this fucking shit will go away, then to another hit
i can say, no fucking way...but untill it comes to an end, we will
have 2 pretend, that smack our hurts will mend and our lies we will
always have 2 defend...

Thursday, 11 March 2010

whoopi-fucking-doo


Always wanting more out of life never getting anything, always moving
but never going forward, forever searching but never finding, always
needing but never recieving and trying 2 take this hand i was dealt
and trying 2 make something more with it but always being weighed down
by something that has become such a intricate part of me that the mere
thought of ridding myself of it gives me a big deep hollow in my
inners, the only thing that stands between me and greatness, being the
best at anything or even everything is also the thing that made me
into the person that i am today, the good from me the bad inside of me
aswell as the ugly all over me, it built me in ways that nothing else
ever could, it broke me in ways i never imagined yet the strenght it
gave me will never be understood, if it wasnt for the strength it gave
me i wouldnt be alive today, life taken by my own hand. the depth the
understanding and the strenious demanding. no sense anyone else who
hasnt been in this position will ever see in all of this cause they
dont ever stop 2 think they just judge without having a deeper
understanding of what the fuck is going on- thanks for your time then
you can thank me for mine and after thats said forget it...

still on about the subject


Kidneys aching, good vibe is breaking, soul is shaking, everything is
there 4 the taking but we'll rather sit baking... killing of till the
last braincell, and this is one of the few things we do well, this
goes hand in hand with your soul you sell and have no story left 2
tell, boy aint this fucking life swell... cant even get decent rest at
night, shit my man-this aint right. every evening with your pillow you
fight, not a soul 2 talk 2 in sight, no one 2 see you fall from
might... hey there old mate, doesnt being a junkie sound great, could
this be my fate or cold revenge from karma served on a silver plate?

do-be-do-be-do-be-doo


Doesnt matter how much you have you can never have enough, , how much
you stach, how muc you hide awayhalway the 'one last one, just one
more, one more last one'- powerlesness to the most useless of levels.
how the fuck do you get your soul back after you gave it away so
fucking carelessly- some curiousities just need 2 stay curiousities,
some questions just need 2 remain unanswered and some things you dont
need 2 know cause its like opening pandoras box. its can never be
undone and its just not fucking worth it. even if you are one of the
lucky ones that can undo that force of nature there is still the trail
of destruction left behind you need 2 sort out. its just not worth
it...

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

are we still at what the fuck


Persistence and pain, still or once again going insane, lost 2 all, soul feels like a mall, in the middle of a huge sale that just went off the fucking rail. losing everything that was in sight, how the fuck can it be right, feeling like this all the fucking time, down below-under the worlds slime. do you ever get used 2 it or does it just continue feeling this shit.

not today


Dont even have energy today, to put down what i have 2 say. crazy in every fucking possible way, hip-hip-fucking-hooray, when will this shit go away. being led the fuck astray, in every possible freaking way. no energy to play, no power 2 pray. from the sun not one single ray, of light for me on this day.

running out of ideas


Nothing 2 say, how's that 4 a good day. nothing 2 write about yet still i want 2 scream and shout. hiding in urself all this pain makes u want 2 go insane. not having a good day, i dont know-can u say?

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

still not aware


Why the fuck do we have 2 conform to what they refer 2 as 'the norm'.
losing yourself bit by bit, according 2 me that is very shit. that is
the highest price 2 pay, putting yourself out the way. every now and
then you may score a favor but your whole life loses its flavour.
worrying about status and a brand name, all made in china all exactly
the same. everyone has lost their mind and i feel im one of a kind,
hating them all in every way wishing they would see the light one day.

running out of ideas


every day its just getting worse and worse, this addiction process to
reverse. getting back 2 the original me, so that 4 once i can just b.
not having 2 worry about my financial state or always being fucking
late, for anything and everything i always do and always being the
only 1 i screw, over and over again, why, where and when? first you
have 2 use 2 take the sick away and then i can worry about the rest of
the day.

why do i need a subject


in an apparent explosion of what the fuck is up now, you realise that
most of the knowledge gets stuck in their brow. not much goes further
than that unless it gets knocked in with a bat. living your life with
idiots all round is much better than it sounds. they will never figure
out the truth within me and due 2 that they'll let me be. always
pretending 2 understand and never making 2 much of a demand, for me 2
sort out my head, rather focussing on their own petty shit instead...

still dont know


one day we'll get there, then maybe we can start 2 care. changing all
my ways and means, as fucking impossible as it seems. and then with
all the pain i went through- i will know what to do. and how strong
all this shit made me, i will let the whole world see, all the amazing
things i am going 2 achive because i can still believe. in the good
that is inside of me, just u fucking wait and see

Monday, 8 March 2010

no money


not enough money? what 2 do honey? fearing the next day, it wont go
away. making 10 million plans in your head, who can you lend from
without any regret. cause that person wont get it back soon, he might
as well go and ask the stars or the moon. not because your intentions
are bad but more cause your situation is sad. maybe god will deliver
money on the day of tomorrow and while he is busy he'll take away your
sorrow. what to do, totally screwed. no luck, smack addiction sux.
thats putting it mild my dearest sweet child.

still not sure





watching the rat race passing by, always trying 2 figure out why. what
makes these fucking people tick and why we will never-ever click. what
makes them move forward every day and why do they always have
something bad 2 say. of the real truth they are not aware and it will
give them a proper scare. maybe they will change their way, wishfull
thinking but not today. do they even know whats going on and do they
realise how far they are wrong? far gone, sad song?

????&?


fall down to your knees 2 cry, just wishing you would just die. not
knowing when all of this woud just end or how much more money you will
spend. slowly but surely drifting away and your mind is running
astray. not knowing what the fuck is going on and everbody around you
seems 2 be wrong. shot 2 shit and falling apart not 2 mention the
cramps in your heart. if it sounds like fun id suggest rather getting
a gun. aint life just fucking sweet!

lost sleep


brain dead, enough said.no sleep, sinking deep. what 2 do, totally
fucking screwed. going insane, fortunately no pain, or none yet,
really, wanna bet? tossing and turning and rolling around, getting
annoyed with every single sound. sweating and cramping from your head
to your toes. shit man thats about how it goes. what the fuck is there
left 2 choose, maybe i should just use, take all this pain away, and
play

Sunday, 7 March 2010

thought for food


if only people knew how horrible it is 2 be trapped in this heroine
hell, cant do anything, cant go anywhere, nothing, nadda, zip- without
having a fix, taking a fix with and working out how long you are going
2 b there and making sure u have enough fucking smack with u, keeping
in consideration enough is never enough and always running out ahead
of schedule. quickly trying 2 get home b4 the sick starts kicking in.
yes-the dreaded cold turkey; the runny nose, the cold sweats, the
crawling skin, the puking of that horrible tasting yellow slime that
just doesnt want 2 fucking stop and dont even mention the smack bowel
syndrome-holy shit(no pun intended)it could actually b funny if u
werent feeling so fuct at the time. welcome 2 my world

another thought?




what the fuck is it all about, sometimes you just want 2 scream and
shout. this whole fucking world has gone insane, leaving everyting in
a big heap of pain. of this shit i dont want 2 be a part and it just
breaks my fucking black heart. everyone is lost in a sea of mist and
im the one getting dissed. what the fuck is going on, am i the only
one who can see they are wrong. everyone is chasing wind, status and
money-leaving everything good behind behind and moving to the land of
milk and honey. what the fuck is there left to do or must we just
accept we are totally screwed.

Saturday, 6 March 2010

just a thought



i dont have 2 many options left-do i? enough 2 make the average person
cry. not many more turns left to take, before it all starts 2 break.
every day-literally walking in hell, i suppose only time will tell,
what the future will hold, and will there be anything left that i
havent sold. we will just have to wait and see, what will be left of
me. will i be able to free myself at last, will i be able 2 pick up
the shattered remains of a broken down past. all ten million times ive
tried to quit, is startghng to annoy me-just a little bit. how much
strenght is there left in me, ill just have 2 wait and see.

Nowhere special

Still not knowing where to go, and that my man-is is starting to show. Not much left that I can do, I dont think you understand-sometimes it feels so screwed. Getting up with your stomach in pain, Going to bed two steps away from being insane. Not knowing what to believe, not knowing if you want to achieve. Where do we go from here, do we really fucking care. Should I be careful and fit in with the rest or should i take a gamble and try to be the best. Believe it or not- all the drive is there, but getting rich and fitting in- I really dont care. Should I actually try to give a fuck or should I go on making people believe im just hit out of luck. Having to lie about everything and that is how every day begins. having to look up, smile and keep face otherwise people start calling you a disgrace. Do you know how it feels to have your whole everything hanging by the thin single thread of a lie, It takes up so much of your energy that at the end of the day you just want to drop to your knees, break down and cry. As badly as you dont want to, it is really the only thing there is to do. Because if the real version of the truth comes out, then all the judgmental motherfuckers out there will think they know what you are about. Anything and everything that goes wrong they will try and pin it on you, and it doesnt matter how good your alibi you ARE screwed. If something goes missing, you stole it and that is it-and this is only where it begins. Then the way the people stare and then there are those who pretend they actually care. Talk to me, i understand, is that a request or a demand. Dont pretend you know what i am about, the only response you will get from me is fuck you and ill shout. So leave me the fuck alone, let me go and get a fix, relax and go home.  DONT JUDGE ME YOU DONT KNOW ME

Thursday, 4 March 2010

still gone


The truth they dont know,the real me i can never show. if 2 them the
truth i told,about what i am they will b sold. not looking the truth 2
c,but just passing their judgement on 2 me. doesnt matter what goes
wrong,ill get blamed ill b the 1. i have 2 play them all like a game
of chess,and that is 1 of the things i learnt 2 do best. if only u
knew how much energy it takes,4 me not my cover 2 break. hiding away
in plain sight,how the fuck am i getting it right. 2 make sure that
the smackhead junkie part of me,no one else but myself will ever c. if
only everyone around me knew,i already know what the fuck they will
do. all i have 2 do is continue 2 bend the truth a little bit and that
my friend,that is it

What the fuck




Always wishing 4 the best,trying 2 igore all of the rest. not knowing
what the fuck 2 do,forever & always totally screwed. not always
knowing where to go,but fortunately my ego wont let it show. every day
wishing this monkey will get off my back & then will cut me some
fucking slack. what in the name of god can i do. shit man,totally
screwed. im gonna get away from this shit,that is the end and that is
it.

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Lost-who me


So what, when where and even why the fuck should i even care, no one
gives a shit about anything else than their own pile of shit they are
sitting on, gaurding with their lives even and have the audacity to
look down to me. So much pain is already present in my existance yet
they just pile on more and more. Dont anyone stop to think anymore,
even if just 4 a minute. All this negativity, all this useless shit
they worship,maybe if the world could change,just a little bit,which i
know is fucking impossible cause they are so stuck in their ways of
having more and being better and stepping on anyone and everything to
get their share of all this unimportant shit,then maybe i would stop
numbing all this out and start playing along. I am not naive enough to
think that one little me,right at the bottom of the
foodchains'(according to them, cause according to me im way above them
in things that are important) oppinion would make a difference to
their mentality.No,im not feeling sorry for myself in any way,but for
them