Tuesday, 21 December 2010

just a quick thought

'Emancipate your selves from mental slavery none but yourselves can
free our minds' robert nesta marley - redemption song

Sunday, 31 October 2010

Still what

How fucking crazy can one person be, how freaking blind not to see, literally suffering from day to day, knowing that you are busy throwing your life away, not even bit for bit but all at once: it turned to shit, now are we rejoicing or are we crying? have you realized that you are busy dying? No baby steps, no just for today? If only this shit would go away. Not on its own I promise you, there is no easy way-what to do? Sweat it out and suffer like a man, it sound so easy-yes I can. But do I really actually want to? Is there anything else I can do? Medicine sometimes helps a little bit, but then you just start abusing the shit, using it to put yourself in a buzz, rather than using it to take away the fuzz. Not even the thought of going cold turkey is fun, sometimes I just wish I could run, but that wouldn't help at all, cause you cant run away from the withdrawal. Completely fucked and very much out of luck, man does the life of a junkie not suck.

'So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
It couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters'

Nothing else matters - Metallica

Complaining again?

How much longer can u complain, stupid enough to inflict on yourself pain? Just fucking yourself up-time and time again, then you have the audacity to think you are sane, yet you are constantly on a plain, flushing your whole life and all you have down the drain, scoring at the bottom of a dodgy lane, sometimes you have to take a train, but if you look at the bright side there is a lot to gain, for one thing tour life is not mindnumbing and mundane, and you hide it so well cause you tend to get a bit vain, not always realizing how much you have fried your brain and then it just starts over and over again and again and again...

'Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight'

Tonight, tonight - the smashing pumpkins

Thursday, 7 October 2010

Disaster is?

From sad to true, what else is there to do, suffering forever and a day, when will this shit go away, longing for a life a bit more stable, a life with so much potential-anything able, no more standing and crying in the rain, no more hunting for a vein. Pricking holes in yourself a million fold, man - these complaints are getting really old. What the fuck is there actually to do, how many times more- yourself can you screw? Never having the strenght to stand up & move on, rather wishing: on its own this disease will be gone. How fucking stoopid can one person be. Start using heroin you asshole and i promise you will see...

'Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination'
4 non blondes - whats up

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Sing for the moment

'These ideas are nightmares to white parents
Whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings. Like whatever they say has no bearing, it's so scary in a house that allows no swearing
To see him walking around with his headphones blaring
Alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care
He's a problem child. And what bothers him all comes out, when he talks about. His fuckin' dad walkin' out
Cause he just hates him so bad that he blocks him out
If he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out
His thoughts are whacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back
Talkin' black, brainwashed from rock and rap
He sags his pants, do-rags and a stocking cap
His step-father hit him, so he socked him back, and broke his nose. His house is a broken home, there's no control, he just let's his emotions go...

{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you

Entertainment is changin', intertwinin' with gangsta's
In the land of the killers, a sinner's mind is a sanctum
Holy or unholy, only have one homie
Only this gun, lonely cause don't anyone know me
Yet everybody just feels like they can relate, I guess words are a mothafucka they can be great
Or they can degrade, or even worse they can teach hate
It's like these kids hang on every single statement we make
Like they worship us, plus all the stores ship us platinum
Now how the fuck did this metamorphosis happen
From standin' on corners and porches just rappin'
To havin' a fortune, no more kissin' ass
But then these critics crucify you, journalists try to burn you
Fans turn on you, attorneys all want a turn at you
To get they hands on every dime you have, they want you to lose your mind every time you mad
So they can try to make you out to look like a loose cannon
Any dispute won't hesitate to produce handguns
That's why these prosecutors wanna convict me, strictly just to get me off of these streets quickly
But all they kids be listenin' to me religiously, so i'm signin' cd's while police fingerprint me
They're for the judge's daughter but his grudge is against me
If i'm such a fuckin' menace, this shit doesn't make sense Pete. It's all political, if my music is literal, and i'm a criminal how the fuck can I raise a little girl
I couldn't, I wouldn't be fit to, you're full of shit too, Guerrera, that was a fist that hit you...

They say music can alter moods and talk to you
Well can it load a gun up for you , and cock it too
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault and i'll get sued
See what these kids do is hear about us totin' pistols
And they want to get one cause they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we really just protectin' ourselves, we entertainers, Of course the shit's affectin' our sales, you ignoramus. But music is reflection of self, we just explain it, and then we get our checks in the mail
It's fucked up ain't it
How we can come from practically nothing to being able to have any fuckin' thing that we wanted
That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing
Except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine
Who post pin-up pictures on their walls all day long
Idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives
Till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe
We're nothin' to you but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes
That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and hold it
Cause we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through our lyrics that you hear in our songs and we can...'


Monday, 12 July 2010


So much freaking time has gone by
Since I've actually wanted to get high,
Yet every day this fucking routine I follow
And more and more of myself smack will swallow.
Everything going up in a huge ball of smoke
And yet I take it as a big fucking joke.
So much energy I waste-
On this bad fucking taste,
In my mouth all day long-
And even I know its wrong?
So much streng it takes this to hide,
Yet I go along for the ride.
Every day just wanting more and more,
Like a zombie going and going for the next score,
Constantly worrying that this heart will stop to beat
Not using causes cramps from my head till my feet
Always trying to numb out the pain
Constanly complaining- this shit drives me insane,
Losing my mind bit by bit every day,
Sometimes getting so desperate I start to pray.
So when will a wake up call come to me,
Or has it been reaccuring and im to blind to see.
Just going on and fucking all,
Just using doing this shit to avoid the withdrawal?

' Sugar man, won't you hurry
'Cos I'm tired of these scenes
For a blue coin won't you bring back
All those colours to my dreams
Silver magic ships you carry
Jumpers, coke, sweet Mary Jane'

Sugar man- rodriguez


Seeing the positive side of all this crap,
Yet feeling sometimes I'm still in need of a huge slap, then maybe I could get over myself for once,
Maybe like a normal person enjoy something like a simple lunch? Not having to rush just to get the next score, and then making a realization-in life there is more, so what is all this complaining about? For once just let it go-scream and shout.
Free yourself from all this hate and shit, and maybe u can start to enjoy life just a little bit, forget about the frustration and pain, realize there is more in life to gain, focus on the truth and forget about all the lies, then you'll even be able to stop all these powerless cries. Eventually you'll dig yourself out and start seeing the light but I don't think even time will win this fight. These painful scars will always follow you around, as sick, twisted and fucked up as it may sound. It makes sense why so many people can't actually stop and catch on this shit till they eventually drop.

' When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, When you're sure you've had enough of this life,well hang on. Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong.'

Everybody hurts - REM

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Another crummy poem

Floating and falling into this sea of doubt, understanding what the fuck but not knowing what its about, in ecstacy 4 days a week & the other 3 just being plain bleek, always wrong yet always being right, not just accepting my fate without putting up a fight, from where im standing I can see everything crystal clear, yet not understanding the origin of this fear, going and going forward with breakneck speeds, just not being able to get rid of these annoying needs, that are holding me back in ways you won't understand, what the fuck is it from myself I demand? One day ill know what the fuck is the meaning, one day ill get it out without all the screaming, but when is this day I ask of you? and untill then what the fuck else can I do? Afraid of normality in very obscure ways, you will notice it in my out of line displays, always making noise louder than everyone, going through life always pretending to have more fun, always making jokes and laughing the loudest, pissing on and ripping off those that are the proudest. Hiding my habits and scars extremely well, that those who know me can't even tell. What the fuck?? Ill need more than luck...

I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die

and I want you

you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug

you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart

my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me

take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

The perfect drug-NIN

Saturday, 5 June 2010

4 5 6-subjkts

Waiting for the dealer to come along,
Writing my happy little song,
Stoopid and crazy as may be?
I dunno just wait and see!
Soon ill be forgetting about-don't know what?
One thing I know is I'm helping my teeth rot,
Slowly every day more and more,
That won't stop me-I have to score.
To numb out this illusion reality tends to create,
Boy ain't the life of a junkie great.
So what the moral of this fucking story?
Drugs kills what life makes gory?
Actually ill never know let alone care,
All I know is turns most of this life into a scare,
Most of the times you're hardly there,
And it feels like your mind starts to tear,
At everything you constantly glare,
Is this not a nice burden to bear?
Fuck-maybe I should start to care...

'So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters'

Nothing else matters-Metallica

Tuesday, 1 June 2010


So much power being lost every fucking day,
All this positive energy being thrown away,
Every morning sighing-fuck me, again?,
Every night promising to stop-Really? But when?
Break of day and once again you feel like shit,
Shouting at yourself-this is it!
As the day progresses your strength gets less
And you make yourself feel better by saying you tried your best,
not really understanding what does 'your best' actually mean,
strong or weak-in which direction do you lean?
Knowing your strength-just not knowing how should be used,
Sick and tired of being sick and tired equals really not being amused.
So what the fuck is it with me constantly writing this crap,
I suppose its better than opening my trap?

' Me, my thoughts are flower strewn
Ocean storm, bayberry moon
I have got to leave to find my way
Watch the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes
Nothing is going my way'

Find the river-REM

Friday, 28 May 2010


This is no fucking way to go through life-always craving,
This is no way to go through the world-always misbehaving,
Every morning waking up at four
Every morning whining your sleep could be more
How many times can you be depressed in one day?
How many more times times can you wish it away?
So ho many white lies can you tell,
Not even mentioning all the times you have fell,
But hey-one day im definitely gonna get it right,
For a last time put up a huge fucking fight,
The good thing is all the character and strenght you gain,
Going hand and hand with all the persnality disorders and strain, to that battle every drop of energy i'll have to add,
And I know for a fact its gonna be bad,
But hey-what the fuck else is there to do,
Sit down and go-boo hoo!
Not me, not a fuck,
Too much already the life of a smackhead really suck...

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.
this is slowly take me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.
i just want something i can never have.
in this place it seems like such a same.
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see.
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.

i just want something i can never have

Something I can never have-NIN

Thursday, 27 May 2010


So many threats of you heart stopping beating,
So fucking worried that you changed your way of eating?
Started out not giving a fuck what you eat,
Then suddenly you gave up meat,
Why?because its not good for you?
No because you feel so powerless you don't know what else to do, creating a perfectly costructed lie you live every day, trying to hide the bad and wishing it would just go away,
Every bit as powerless as you feel, and I can promise you it is real, so lost in every fucking way,shape and form, fearing and hating everything about the norm. Health feels like its hanging on a single thread, fortunately you're not gone-not yet. So how far lost can one person be, just get hooked to smack and you'll see, or rather not and just take the word of a junkie, or don't-and on your back you'll end up with a monkey, that won't easily get off-not without adding to your life a lot of pain and if you don't have a lot of strenght you might just end up insane..

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Never care, always there.

I don't think you will ever know,
How inside you this disease can grow
and blow up in all different proportions
Whilst leaving millions of fucked up distortions,
Abstracting your mind in all different ways,
Leaving the marks of wasted emotional displays,
Every thought you have and hold,
Reminds and reflects on lies you've told,
Or older ladies for money to screw,
Hey! I was young-what to do?
One day ill make amends for all that crap,
But until the my conscience won't be a trap,
I won't let it dominate my every step of the way,
Cause ill sort it out-some day.
Until then I won't make the same mistake,
And be more careful in what activities I partake.
So why am I moaning and going on
And where does this sudden conscience blast come from?
I dunno, I dunno, I dunno-don't care,
But maybe I could or should beware,
Or just pretend not to give a fuck,
Cause tomorrow once again ill have better luck-
Or let me rephrase my good luck will return,
And forget about the fact that for all my sins I will burn...

Was it a huntsman or a player
That made you pay the cost
That now assumes relaxed positions
And prostitutes your loss?
Were you tortured by your own thirst
In those pleasures that you seek
That made you Tom the curious
That makes you James the weak?

Crucify your mind-Rodriguez


How much of your wretched life can there actually be left,
When from noon to night you think about your death.
Dreaming about it morning and night,
Anytimes cool,even now is alright
Fantasizing in so many different ways-
You see the end result your just not sure about the plays.
The most fucked up part is it's not bothering me at all-
Rather that than going through another case of withdrawal.
Sad and fucked up as it might sound,
It sound much easier than coming around.
Being more worried about the couple of people left behind,
Can this fucking white powder make you so amazingly blind-
To everything in this world:good and pure?
There's not much of that left-rather focus on finding a cure.
Optimistic people will say shit like-there is always hope,
Maybe you'll feel that way if you had enough dope to smoke
Case from where I'm standing I can't seem to see,
Where all the hope could actually be.
So forget about that and focus on'just for today'
Fuck off and stop being so cliché...
With undertones of smack on my breath every day,
How easy would it be to make all this shit go away?

I am buried up to my neck in
Contradictionary lies
I take pride as the kind of illiterature
I'm very ape and very nice

If you ever need anything please don't hesitate
to ask someone else first
I'm too busy acting like I'm not naive.
I've seen it all I was here first

Very ape-NIRVANA

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Good news?

Whenever I get to subject I usually lose the plot,
Is it for a reason-or is it not?
How much more of this plot losing can I go through,
What the fuck else is there left to do?
Stupid fucking poems always running through my mind,
And yes I have the audacity to think I am one of a kind?
Never understanding what it is all about,
All there is left to do is to fucking shout.
What the fuck is going on in my head,
Lots of sad thoughts-pretending to be happy instead.
Always trying hide this disease that's riding me so hard-
Will I ever be able to discard?
Always nodding, eyes rolling to the back of my head-
Rain or shine this craving has to be fed,
Money, possessions whatever the cost-
Just try to make sure you as a person or your morals don't get lost, one bad choice quickly leads to an even worse one,
And before you even notice-your self-respect is gone.

'Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit tonight'

Breaking the habit-linkin Park

Monday, 17 May 2010

Just go with it

Always feels like I'm running out of things to write, then I get into a huge fucking fight, always in one fucking day, it always happens in a new way, light is coloring every corner of my soul, always completely losing control, so many things to say, all being said in the same way. Does it make sense to you, what the fuck is there left to do. So much sense can be stumbled upon in this disease, so many answers if you please? They all think I'm a crazy ass, I used to be when I smoked glass. Now I am quite stable, not very willing and able, yet I try to be there, yet death gives me a scare, sometimes I want to die, other times the thought make me cry, not for me or my being, but for the ones left seeing, what mess I left behind, and that I really wasn't that kind. What the fuck is going on in my head? That is just enough said...

"What we've got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can't reach...
So, you get what we had here last week
Which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N' I don't like it any more than you men."

Civil war-Guns'n'Roses??

What is it with a subject?

So for how long can you go on fucking up this badly?
If you think about it-till you drop dead; quite sadly.
So how many times can you try to quit?
That is up to how many times you fail and that's quite a bit.
So why do you put yourself through this?
That my friend is part of a bigger quiz,
Questions and answers lost in this fight,
The tug of war just to come right.
Every day you win-just for a while,
Then the addiction fights back and fucks you with a style.
So what the fuck is the moral of the story?
If you think about it-no guts no glory,
Or is it just- how full of shit can one person be?
I don't know- lets just wait and see...

Sugar man, won't you hurry
'Cos I'm tired of these scenes
For a blue coin won't you bring back
All those colours to my dreams
Silver magic ships you carry
Jumpers, coke, sweet Mary Jane

Sugar man-Rodriquez


Every day is just a bigger fucking struggle than before,
Every next day the promises just get more,
Today-I promise to myself:this is it,
Im flushing all my stash and not even taking a final hit?
Ok, maybe no flushing-that's a bit drastic,
Lets make this the last time we get spastic!
So what am I gonna do tomorrow morning when I wake?
Have a smoke up session-a bit of a bake!
Anything to kill this anxiety brewing within me,
Cause you must be an idiot not to see-
You are entering your week of hell
And experience says you are NOT gonna be well.
From aches to cramps,nausea,spasms and no fucking sleep,
Holy shit-how can this hole feel so deep?
Every day just gets worse than before,
How the fuck can this pain still get more?
How freaking long has this been-not even a hour?
It hasn't even started yet and already im lacking the power,
All this is in your mind-the most powerful tool-
And so brilliant it can make you the fool.
So when are you gonna have the power to quit?
Hold on there cowboy-just wait a little bit.
Maybe if I go on my knees and real hard I pray,
Ill wake up in the morning and all this shit has gone away...

Now you sit there thinking feeling insecure
The mocking court gesture (jester) claims there is no proven cure
Go back to your chamber, your eyes upon the wall
'Cos you got no one to listen, you got no one to call
And you think I'm curious

Drifting, drowning in a purple sea of doubt
You wanna hear she loves you,
but the words don't fit the mouth
You're a loser, a rebel, a cause without
But don't think me callous

Dancing Rosemary, disappearing sister Ruth
It's just your yellow appetite
that has you choking on the truth
You gave in, you gave out, outlived your dream of youth
And I can't get jealous

So go on, you'll continue with your nose so open wide
Knocking on that door that says Hurry come inside
But don't bother to buy insurance 'cos you've already died
And you can't be serious

I saw my reflection in my father's final tears
The wind was slowly melting, San Francisco disappears
Acid heads, unmade beds, and you Woodward world queers
I know you're lonely...

Thanks for your time
And you can thank me for mine
And after that's said
Forget it.

Jane S. Piddy-Rodriguez

Saturday, 15 May 2010

Violence is not an answer?

How much hate can one single person carry?
How much anger can that same fucking person bury?
To what extent can all this shit make your inners corrode?
And how much more before you eventually explode?
Then eventually blowing your fucking top,
Looking for the first motherfucker to drop,
Face first into the fucking ground-
How strangely therapeutic does that sound?
All this hate and frustration out in a single yet deadly blow,
Then kicking in his face-nice and slow.
Or maybe you can talk this out over a nice cuppa tea?
But I can guarantee you afterwards you won't feel free,
Not free from all this hate and anger I mentioned at the start
Clogging your mind and upping the rate of your heart.
So what sounds like the best option to you-
Cause for every punch you throw some asshole will sue...

You wanta antagonize me
Antagonize me motherfucker
Get in the ring motherfucker
And I'll kick your bitchy little ass

Get in the ring-Guns'n'Roses

Crazy is?

Everyone in this freaking world has lost their fucking mind and that is from me when im being kind? If you had to see it through these schmangled eyes of mine, you would realise sommewhere you have to draw the line. How long can you go on chasing hot air, how much further before you realise there is nothing there, common sense doesn't seem to be that common anymore and to money and the system everyone is a whore. Do they really want to spend their lives chasing simple measly possessions and just having to sell it again and cry about it in the midst of the recession. Having conversations about designers and money, they all think they are so classy yet I think they are funny. I wish one day they could just open their fucking eyes, man would they be in for a huge freaking surprise. These snobbish bastards walk past me and look at me as though I am a piece of shit, maybe they should do a bit of a moral inventory and then realise they are not it. After a bit of self study they will see it is acually much better to be me...

This is out of our rage... and it's grown
This is getting to be outta control
I'm a negative creep and I'm stoned

Negative creep- NIRVANA

Friday, 14 May 2010

Recovering the satellites

Gonna get back to basics
Guess I'll start it up again
I'm fallin' from the ceiling
You're falling from the sky now and then
Maybe you were shot down in pieces
Maybe I slipped in between
But we were gonna be the wildest people they ever hoped to see
Just you and me
So why'd you come home to this sleepless town
It's a lifetime commitment
Recovering the satellites
All anybody really wants to know is...
when you gonna come down
Your mother recognizes all you're desperate displays
and she watches as her babies drift violently away
Until they see themselves in telescopes
Do you see yourself in me?
We're such crazy babies, little monkey
We're so fucked up, you and me
So why'd you come home to this faithless town
Where we make a lifetime commitment
to recovering the satellites
and all anybody really wants to know is...
when are you gonna come down
She sees shooting stars and comet tails
She's got heaven in her eyes
She says I don't need to be an angel
But I'm nothing if Im not this high
But we only stay in orbit
For a moment of time
And then you're everybody's satellite
I wish that you were mine

Recovering the satellites-Counting Crows

Thursday, 13 May 2010


This fucked up life of mine is once again spiralling out of control, being the closet-junkie that I am-I can't tell a freaking soul. Always having to tell a white lie or two about what is going on hear, never being able to mention my big health fear, so why this huge struggle within , shit man- where the fuck do I begin, maybe I prefer it this way and maybe I think sometime it will just go away. How lucky do I think ill be, well we could wait and see, see how much time I have left to live, how much more money I have to give, so what choice can we make, how much more trust can we break, forgiveness used to be in the order of the day, now the people just wish you will go away. So not caring about anything at all, wait let me rephrase only caring about withdrawel, how much fun is there left, I don't know can we include running away after theft? Im just joking: that's not my style- well atleast it hasn't been for a while...

' Just down the street from your hotel, baby
I stay at home with my disease
And ain't this position familiar, darling
Well, all monkeys do what they see
Help me stay awake, I'm falling...'

counting crows-perfect blue buildings


As fucking crazy as it might sound, one of these daze I could just come round-back into life and then what the fuck, to survive in this crazy corrupt workd you need more then luck. Swopping being broke and craving all the time for not making ends meet and wishing till the end of the month there is less time. The first option sounds crappy as hell and to the second option there is a horrid smell. It doesn't sound like there is a way to win so I might as well give up before I begin, or is that the cowards way of doing stuff? I thought this heroin addiction made you tough? Or at least tougher than the rest, or does it just kill all lifes zest. How much longer can you inflict this pain, its no longer about being main. This thing has grown and bitten you on the ass and its much harder to kick than smoking grass. Not just in the body but also deep inside your head, sometimes you think you would be better off dead...

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
NIN Hurt

Same day-different shit

At any given moment there is about two million thoughts running through my head,but trying 2 put them down on paper just rapes them and leaves them for dead? How much more pain and suffering can one person inflict in his own life, well in the kingdom of the junkie: hurt and anger is rife, everyday worrying about death knocking on your door but you won't be lucky enough being found on the bathroom floor, always on your mind that your heart is gonna stop-over and over and over again but no drop. Day in and day out the ideas are always the same, this twisted rush sort off becomes like a sick game. How many more times can you see your death in your own mind, how much more scares and dissapointments will you find, of having to live yet another day, fucking up over and over again just in a different way.how many times can one person wish away this gift called life we receive, and in one lifespan how many different people can I try to decieve. Crazy and stupid as it may sound, some day-not today though, I may still come round...

Teenage angst has paid off well
Now I'm bored and old
Self-Appointed judges judge
More than they have sold

serve the servants-NIRVANA

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Fucking subjects!

One day i'll sort my head out? After I get what life is about. How fucking insane that may seem, I know i'll get a chance my soul to redeem. I'll be free in more ways than one, have a new life minus the fun? Crazy as it may sound-both feet planted firmly on the ground. Head in the stars-far up and away, that should happen sometime-but not today. So what the fuck else is there left to say, after fucking up your life so intricately-just for today?

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezeburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

All apologies-NIRVANA

Monday, 3 May 2010

Flushed away

Every single day, as time ticks away, closer 2 the end, how much longer can I pretend, to be clean and serene, do you know what I mean? These crappy poems are driving me insane, but that is all that's jumping around in my brain. Every second and all the time, could it get more annoying-I could start to mime. Is there any sense in it at all, we'll see when we get to withdrawal. Does this shit make any sense to you? Neither to me but what the fuck can I do. The only way to get rid of it is to let it out, writing it down is much better than to scream and shout???

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Drain me?

Waisting time waiting to score, always wanting and getting more. How much time can one person spend, waiting for shit with what reality can bend. Every craving worse than before, at least im not yet curled up on the floor, crying for the pain to go away, rather be hooked for another day. Sad and lonely as it may sound, it kinda keeps my feet on the ground. Why the fuck would you want to be this way? It keeps the reality checks at bay. A harder shittier life you won't ever find, coulored with a backdrop filled with this inner grind. At least its building character day by day, to you it might sound easier if it would just go away.

I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,
To be calm when you've found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you've got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
Cat Stevens-Father and son

Saturday, 1 May 2010


If only you could comprehend the frustration, the powerlessness, the anger and pain in your every step, the weight you carry, the heightened emotions, the length of the fuse that is connected to this huge overloaded, very tightly compressed heap of bad negative emotions that is blowing up inside you more and more as every day progresses more and more in size and more and more in how dangerous the explosion will be when it will finally be released on some poor asshole that does not expect not to mention does not deserve it. Pain tearing you open with every single step you take, every single empty promise you make, every emotion-happy or sad you fake. Knowing that you have the trust of the masses and yet it hangs by a single thread, having to go against everything you stand for and lie to protect and build on the trust that you have lied so hard to get, not that you don't deserve it but if you told the truth no one would ever believe you-not soon anyway. If it sound confusing to you then imagine how fucking confusing it feels to me to live this lie every single day of my miserable freaking life. Not to know what to expect, every time you hear your name you don't know if you should say-didn't see anything, didn't do anything and I wasn't even there when it happened or just respond by saying yes present, what the fuck am I on about, is it completely senseless or is there a certain depth to this that only some of us would ever be capable to understand-you be the judge, just don't think your opinion will make a difference to my way of thinking...

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy


these freaking titles are still killing me?

Not ever being able to undersrand,
what it is this life demand.
All this shit every fucking day,
over and over just in a different way.
These fucking corny poems I write,
I should actually keep them out of sight
of anyone and everyone that can read
or is this a way to succeed?
All these questions are messing with my mind, where on earth the answers will I find? What else is there left for me to do,someone else will sit on a heap and go boo-hoo. All this shit i've gone through has made me so strong, that I think any other way is wrong. How the fuck can I change the way I think, cause all this shit is pushing me to the brink, would rather end it all than to go through another case of withdrawel. How sick and twisted can one mind be, start using smack and you'll see. Is it worth all this shit? Trust me not even a little bit...

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

Enigma-Return to innocence

Friday, 23 April 2010


mind always bubbling over with crap, every time i open my mouth i set
a trap, fortunately not for me, but for all 2 blind 2 see, words are
my weapon of choice, you cant even note fear on the tone of my voice,
sentences full of sarcasm and rhyme, not just now and then but all the
fucking time, 2 many people who can talk the talk- but im one of few
who can walk the walk, mouth writing cheques my ass can cash, promises
made very harsh and rash, spinning your head in circles and round,
taking money out your pocket with only my voice-only the sound. tongue
getting sharper every day, you think youre a match then come on lets
play. if you see youre losing youll wanna get violent, a couple of
bitch slaps-ill promise youll be silent. actually im a lover and not a
fighter and as you can see a very korny poem writer?

I am my own parasite
I don't need a host to live
We feed off of each other
We can share our endorphins


Monday, 19 April 2010

crazy, maybe, not me?

not understanding why, no more tears left 2 cry, billions of angry
thoughts raging through my brain, mostly sick and tired seasoned with
a little bit of pain, not 2 mention all the anger and frustration,
lets not forget the lack of motivation. how do you break down these
walls you cannot see, how the fuck do you get yourself totally free.
ignoring it doesnt make it go away, tomorrow morning you wake up-same
shit different day. energy drained-morning 2 night, shit man this aint
right. when you fell in this trap little did you know, this is the way
that the story would go...

Friday, 16 April 2010

Different day,same old shit

your original reality-far,far away. your life-just happy 2 see your
next day. friends and family-all very long gone. truth and
understanding-atleast you still know right from wrong. health kinda
shaky-enjoying the rush? the couple of people left in your life-making
a fuss. i do not know where this will end, i dont even know how much
longer i can pretend. all i know this shits got a hold of me and at
this moment im very fuct-that even i can see...

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last

A long december-Counting Crows


if you havnt been there you will never even be able to comprehend what
this white powder will do 2 you, you wont be able 2 begin 2 understand
how gently it wraps you in this warm feeling of security,
understanding and well being, being yourself plus one, being better,
faster and stronger at anything and everything-nothing can stop you,
you feel like you can take over the world, lead it to victory and even
make it a better place for us, for our children and even their
childrens' children. the feeling of standing at the top and looking
down and knowing you are the it, the everything but without you
noticing it starts taking away what it gave so abundantly and then bit
by bit, first slowly and then faster and faster it starts taking away
small things like your patience, your understanding and then its rips
this big hole into you, left with a big void that constantly needs
filling more and more frequently...

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

see?who me?he-he?

no guts, no glory, thats it-im sticking 2 my story, wasnt me, cant you see? is that your reason, out of season. lets not go there, i dont easily scare. pull out your gun, see me run, far far away, you wont see me till another day. for how long can we pretend, that all of this is godsend, due 2 all the ignorance everything is falling apart, want 2 see the truth-look inside your heart. break down everything that doesnt seem right, try 2 do it without a fight, pretend not 2 see the hungry mans plight, for this you need all your might, wait till he is literally out of sight, i promise you all this shit will bother you in the middle of the night? and they say ive lost my fucking mind?

Monday, 12 April 2010

free porn?

Forget the shit about-just say no, this stuff doesnt just let go.
Forget about-just for today, the thought doesnt just go away. this
craving-morning,noon and night, this feeling just aint right. as
fucking stoopid as it might sound, the detox will get you flat on the
ground. shivering,shaking and crying from the pain, the fucking
feeling will drive you insane. wishing upon your miserable life a
touch of death, wanting every one 2 be your last breath. how much more
of this agony can you go through, what else is there left 2 do- use
again 2 take this pain away and try 2 quit again another day...

Sunday, 11 April 2010

big fat fucking sigh

When the income is slow, the moral is low, everythin in the world is
up 2 shit, and that is roumd about it. how low can u feel, trust me
this fucking feeling is real. a quick hundred bucks will turn
everything around: as weird as it may sound. at this moment its the
only truth i know- and in my whole everything it will show. hating
life and everything that draws breath, such a nice thought that thing
called death. if only it didnt scare the shit out of me, how happy i
would be, to embrace this thought- what pain not having cash

Wednesday, 7 April 2010


it always goes this freaking way, at the end of each fucking way, not
much more left 2 be done, all you want is a hit-just one. a second
feels as long as a day, if only this hanging would go away, and your
day it feels like a year.if only this craving dissapear, but that
lucky you will never be, 2 rid yourself of this: 2 be free. how long
can you go on feeling this crap, you are the dumb cunt who fell in
this trap, and hard you fell face first into the ground and its much
worse than i can make it sound. its not worth it these answers 2 know
cause the lesson is long, hard painfull and slow.

Monday, 5 April 2010

anger is?

I dont know what the fuck is wrong in this fucking head f mine,
killing myself of like this-bit by bit and it's not even like there is
any enjoyment in it at all, every day is like a race against time vs.
money. a constant worry about health and well-being, knowing the
truth, knowing what 2 do, seen the light millions and millions of
times over and over, made the choices, the right ones again and again
but still its been the same old fucking story, same old freaking
routine going on ten years, well ten years for this game anyway and i
promise you this hasnt been the only one, the worst definately by far,
not the only, why i call it a game i dont know cause games are usually
fun 2 play and in this instance something, not even someone, has fun
playing with you-it doesnt make sense but not 2 much makes sense when
there is junk in the equation, wait everything makes a whole lot of
sense when there is junk in the equation its the people that dont make
any sense...

Sunday, 4 April 2010

still stuck at subject?

so much talent-beimg thrown away, so much anger-leading me astray, same shit over-day by day, most of the time this life feels like a badly written play. so much depth in life-completely misunderstood, most of the people in this life-fucking rude, for all this shit going on all around-im not in the mood. if only i could change them all-i wish i could. of all the people in the world-how many has lost their mind, 2 all the shit going on all over-pretending 2 be blind, all the answers-where can i find. can i be-only one of my kind?

Friday, 2 April 2010

yet another subject

in so many ways, over so many days, never getting 2 to the ending,
just getting better t pretending, that I'm am not, just another junkie
snot, if only you knew, how well this i can do, being the apple of
everyone's eye and all this is based on a lie, being the best at
everything i do, yet I'm totally fucking screwed, everything about me
screams junkie, yet I'm not the one being the monkey. if you look at
all the things in my life, the evidence is quite rife, yet no one
seems 2 see this horrible secret inside of me, this secret that I've
been hiding for years and guarding with lots of tears. every night
praying it will just go the fuck away yet this bastard thing just
wants 2 stay and ride me in more ways than one, hard 2 believe smack
used 2 be fun?

Monday, 29 March 2010


Want 2 be, can you see, i am not the real me, definitely not free. lost is my soul, fuckt is my goal, lost as a whole, me-is for whom the bells toll. knowing im gone, not sure where im from. crying in the rain, lost without this pain, completely insane, lying is my game, yet i do it with shame. still i am growing with every curve ball life is throwing, not knowing where the fuck im going, shit man- its showing.

Sunday, 28 March 2010

still on about it

crazy is-crazy are, try 2 wish upon star, completely losing your
mind, yet you are still thinking you are one of a kind? failing and
falling-completely off the rail and everything else decided 2 fail.
should i stay or should i go? how the fuck am i gonna start saying no,
just quit and walk away, that aint happening-not today. as badly as i
wish it could be, already the real truth i know and see...

Friday, 19 March 2010

believe in?

Another day, another reason 2 pray, just wanting the best, forgetting
about the rest, how much more suffering can you go through, what the
fuck are you gonna do? how much more can you bare, through all this
hate and despair, being high all the time, why is it a crime, the only
one i hurt is me, the rest are 2 blind 2 see, what i am really doing,
cause im the only one im screwing, stealing away from my own life bit
by bit, then eventually turning it completely into shit. once you
accept this fate the rest turns out quite great, the more time you took
and the deeper you get 2 look the more you will understand how much of
you an addiction can demand, taking away everything that once was you
and building back someone very true, sometimes bad, mostly sad,
stronger than before with lots of wisdom plus more, another day,
another 10 million fucking reasons 2 pray...


falling, sinking, deeper and further, not caring 2 much, want 2 care-
or do i? can i? what is the fucking point, u can never b free, wanting
2 understand but are we truly capable of understanding or is it not
better if we rather dont have a clue as 2 what the fuck is going on,
ignorance is bliss or is it? dont run away from your problems but if
you insist i suggest the faster you run the more time you have 2 find
a decent hiding place, you cant hide forever, you can if you take
enough provisions. how much is 2 much and how much more can you take
after you have officially had enough? and then you open your eyes and
get a surprise...

Thursday, 18 March 2010

dont think this is a subject

2 many questions, not enough answers, 2 much 2 do, not even enough
time 2 plan a proper journey and already you have 2 pretend 2 enjoy
the ride, being forced into the complete opposite direction by someone
with a smile on their face and a good intention in their heart, so
much fear for change yet praying for it 2 come morning, noon and
night, losing your fucking mind while your are fighting for your own
sanity, looking at your watch and realizing that once again you are
late for work, not caring about it yet worrying about it while you are
on the way there, complete and total peace of mind in the system goes
hand in hand with losing who and what you are and working towards
getting it back means less or no more peace of mind, what are we
fighting for cause no matter what the outcome cash is king and he with
no money will be the cunt and then if you make a lot of money it turns
you into a bigger cunt, a losing battle or just someone losing their

Wednesday, 17 March 2010


A huge fuckin struggle inside of you, what the fuck can you do, trying
2 get rid of this huge part of me, the thing that made me see, the
truth about all this shit going round, as fucking weird as it my
sound, it broke me down- all the way into the ground, then through
hardship and pain, it built me up again, much stronger than before,
better and stronger and wanting more, out of this fucking life, only
if i can get over this freaking strife, going on inside of me, just
you wait and see...

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

These subjects are killing me

2 fried 2 even write a poem, 2 baked 2 even wanna get home, all you
want 2 do is sit and chill not having much of a free will. wishing u
were dead, i think that is enough said, how can u still carry this
another day, wont this shit just go away. taking it one day at a
fucking time is worse than commiting a crime, but we have 2 push
through, what else can we do. we cant just throw our hands in the air
and pray cause we have 2 get something 2 take this pain away, from
your lower back to your toes, jip thats about how cold turkey goes,
dont forget the spasms and the cold sweats and the sleepless nights
full of regrets. after a week of hell the boredom sets in and that is
when the real fun will begin...

not sure yet

from the shattered youth, right through 2 your moment of truth, how
the fuck do you dare, talk about all this pain you bare, lost in
oceans of shit, yes that is about it, sink or swim, loose or win,
completely out of my fucking mind, at least im not the only one of my
kind, or am i cause ill never know, cause we the druggies hardly show,
the truth we carry inside cause society forces us to hide, why? oh
please let me tell, cause them thinking they are better than us
fucking smell, cause much stronger than them we are, and much more
evolved by far.

still blah-blah

How do u pick this up, how do you 'come right', how the fuck are you
suppose to sort this out. all this shit was not done in one day and
there is no fucking way it gonna get undone in a day, some much energy
got put into this delicate procedure of fucking up a perfectly good
life- so perfect, so pure, so much potential, capable of anything and
everything but nobody couldve ever imagined how capable i was of
fucking up that perfect everything so good and solid. the only thing
that is still left is a big, stinky pile of morals, why stinky? cause
morals kinda get in the way when you are hooked on smack, i can
promise u that. a junkie that doesnt steal, who the fuck is gonna
believe that? i wont, a junkie that doesnt lie about anything exept 4
his addiction, what the fuck is this world coming 2- heroin addicts
that dont lie, steal, cheat, eat meat, white starch or anything
processed or out a factory- no wonder im so fucking misunderstood
cause i dont even understand that myself or could it be a cover,
created by my subconcious to protect me because no one can see the
real me under all of this and i promise u if they found out the truth
everyone will say they knew all along and ill be back at square one,
getting blamed for everything from a cellphone that dissapeared 500
years ago to global warming and im so not in the mood for all that
shit cause i hardly have the strenght for this...


Whoopi-fucking-doo! Im totally fucking screwed. Once you're hooked on
smack, it feels like there is no turning back. you fuck yourself over
hard, without having any regard, for who or what you are and you're
left with this huge fucking scar. it follows you where ever you go and
the only thing you have to show for this life you fucked up so well is
a stupid fucking story 2 tell...