Friday, 29 July 2011

Sick fetishes ????

A kind of warm breeze like feeling softly and gently running afloat through your body, your mind, yor imagination - floating and tingling through your spine, up, down, up, down soothing, caressing, relieving, relaxing. Like u finally see the truth and get connected to a deeper meaning, a deeper understanding. Forcing the boundaries of your mere existence, realizing the bigger picture, understanding and comprehending the greater good, how many more times do have to lie, rob and manipulate yourself into believing you don't yet understand all of this just so you can take that same deadly roller-coaster ride again, add a second or third bullet in the gun just to spice up that old boring game of Russian roulette just to steal more and more of your nonexistent strength, completely draining your already depleted energy levels, turning your sense of self-empowerment and turn it into complete, total and utter feeling of powerlessness, your sanity will go back to being borderline again in a fraction of the time it took you to regain it. It will steal years and years of your youth in every second you engage in this absolute stupidity, your innocence will get shattered and raped; over and over and over and then over and again, the very flame that burns, drives and is your passion will wither and die and then eventually (although you've been silently and quite regularly been praying for it for years) it will slowly and painfully take your life. Its so fucking stupid, idiotic and plain right arrogant that you actually open yourself up to it, yet its so refreshing that you actually embrace it with every single cell in your existence. Just wanting and needing more and more of this consuming and painfully slow and romantic suicide - completely, totally and utterly intoxicated by this overpowering warm, secure and extremely homely feeling that to an insecure, uncertain and completely unbalanced individual it could get mistaken for a mothers touch, even a warm loving and tender hug, completely misinterpreted as love and then used as a substitution for the real thing. Being so naïve and unstable one does not pause for a single second to remotely begin to even start suspecting that this is your worst enemy quite cleverly disguised as your best friend, your long lost love, the answer to all your questions and the solution to all your problems. Imagine being yourself plus one with the added bonus of risking and maybe even losing every little thing you've got and everyone that you've ever cared for plus everyone that's ever cared for you and really trusted you and trust is one of the hardest things to earn back but its one of the easiest things to lose again and again and then never fucking ever again that I can promise u - ripped out under your feet like a rug, no warning not even a hint just one second you're still standing and the next thing you see you are alone in the dark, flat on your face in this huge pile of shit you have just created for yourself by being your clever old fucking self again. Where do we go from here?

'Once I had, a little game
I liked to crawl, back in my brain
I think you know, the game I mean
I mean the game, called 'go insane'

you should try, this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
Forget the world, forget the people
And we'll erect, a different steeple

This little game, is fun to do
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right there, I'm going too
Release control, we're breaking thru
Way back deep into the brain
Back where there's never any pain'

The celebration of the lizzard - jim morrison

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