And yet another dunno

So far away from what you really are, not just 'here boy!' missing - i mean really fucking far. Trying to to find who and what you used to be, but that part of you is so far away that not much of your former self is left to see. So is it possible to get back to zero? If you can get that right: forever you'll be my hero!
So this dilemma is huge: i mean fucking massive, and how do you fight something like this by being passive? Prayer doesnt work at all, maybe in your mind but it does fuckall for the withdrawel. A concious choice you have to make, and that motherfucker isn't hard to break...

'Try to run, try too hide, break on through to the other side'
The Doors - Break on Through

Fuck off and die

Can you just fuck off and die, leave me alone too lick my wounds and cry. I dont need more pain from your side and its the only type i cant hide. Losing my mind one step at a time...instead of focussing out of this hole i need to climb. Feeling sorry for yourself wont help much, you wont even notice self pity as such. Killing yourself every step you make, fucking yourself up more with every hit you take. Yet more is all u want. Stupid bastard-ignorant cunt...

'Ignorance is bliss' - Neil van Schalkwyk

Deaf, dumb & stupid

So much lined up for a single day, i wish i could just make it all go away. But what the fuck else is left too be done cause i reallly need 2 do sumthing to make work fun. Mudane, mindnumbing and boring as it is and at this moment from its clenches thers no release. Just want to build a life that i can live, one where i can give, have hope for the next day and do so much less work than play. Not having 2 sacrifice ur time cause according to me that is a huge fucking crime. The one thing u cant get back, its like getting a refund from a dealer for bad crack.

'i feel stupid and contagious, here we are now entertain us'
Nirvana - Smells like teen spirit

Nevermind

Once again every single fucking thing is wrong and out of place, you're so low down that even to yourself you are a disgrace. Never having anything to your bloody name and even to yourslf you aer a shame? So what else is there left to do? I mean yourself harder you cant screw? Or maybe you can! Cause you always have to be the fucking man.
Dumbass...always smoking grass,
stupid fucking punk...always using junk. Dumb cunt is what you are, nothing less than a shooting star. Ready to burn out, is that what life is about?

'fuck you i wont do what you tell me'
Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the name

Grrrrr

Are you really tying to numb out the pain? Or do you just simply like being on a plain. High as a fucking kite: Reality is no where in sight. So what seems to be the problem here, is it the free mind you fear. Taking us so far away from the here and now - and the feeling is fucking wow! This buzz is not half fucking bad and it doesnt leave you feeling and looking bad. No sense at all? Probably cause im still going through withdrawel?

'im on a plain, i can't complain'
Nirvana - on a plane

Real as it gets

If only the truth was known to my love, a deeper understanding of a life real enough. A rainbow and butterfly world does not exsist, but you can reach the top if u truly persist? I know ive been stagnent in this huge reality and i know what it is of me you want to see. And for myself i want the same and cant constantly feel like a huge shame; when i am around u so lets see whats the best i can do....

'cause hearts cant do no more'
How can i tell you - Cat Stevens

Confuckulated

Confused as shit!
And tht is about it?
All ive got to say?
Hip-hip-fucking hooray!

'the needled tearts a hole, the old fimiluar sting, try to kill it all away but i remeber everything'
Hurt - NIN

N A 12 step program

So desperate you get that you actually go down on your knees, 1stly screaming and cursing the heavens and then begging for strenght and forgiveness: PLEASE! You've already seen and experienced where this road you take is going; but that gives you no reason for even thinking about slowing. Is it stupidity, fucked up or are you just plain naive? Well you must be fucking stupid to think that at this pace anything in your life you'll achieve...
Every single fucking day you promise yourself that this is it - but every afternoon you find yourself catching on the same old shit! After years and years of doing the same thing over and over it should get boring, i mean about 10 times a day for 10 years should leave you snorring? But no! When your rhythem and habit falls back into that old gear, that is when for your sanity you should start to fear...
Psycho babbeling, words of wisdom or just a warning, i dnt know? just reflect back on your life and a bad memory or two will to you the answers show...

'girl you know i'd be a liar, if i was to say too you: girl we couldn't get much higher...'

The Doors - light my fire

No more subjects: Aaargh!

How much more can i write in a single day? Will putting it down on a fucking blog make it better or make it go away? All i know is tht my brain feels tired and mushy - but i can't stop cause im not such a pussy. I promise u these words running throught my head will only stop, about an hour after stone cold dead i drop...
Insane an unreassuring as it may sound, ill probably still be thinking when im six foot undergound - thats how covinced i am that these thoughts will forever run at full speed and thats more thoughts than what 50 people in 20 life spans need. Compresses amd crammed into your head like a solid block of grass. When will anything ever make any sense and why is everybody soo fucking tense. I really dont actually know what more sensible to say, except for: let's call it a fucking day...i have to say nitynyt: cause not much longer these sleeping tablets can i fight. Hip-hip-fucking-hooray! Its the end of this long, horrible and miserable fucking day...

'this is the end, my only friend, the end

The doors - the end

Too much thinking

Thinking sooo freaking much that my brain is burning; the thoughts are so fast that from them you can't even be learning. You think so much it feels like the inside of your head is on fire, and it has that same horrendous smell of smouldering rubber or a burning tyre...
Thinking and worrying about everything and nothing all fucking day long, that cant possibily be good for you or make you strong? So how do u stop and get over this without a complete brain rewire - sumone that can do that ill will always and forever admire. Fucking hell, show me someone that can fix all of this that i have broken; cause thats just plain impossible...Truth be spoken?

'Do you have the time to listen to me whine about NOTHING and EVERYTHNG all at once. I am one of those melodamatic fools, neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it'

Green Day - Basket case