Friday, 28 September 2012

Retirement

I still cant believe how just a while ago to the truth i was still soo fucking blind? Every day really hating my life and wondering when the fuck myself i would find? Caught in a negativity and hate drenched-downward-spiral-slash-whirlpool; always just focussing on how badly i hated myself and my life while calling myself everything from a stupid motherfucking cunt right through to a dumb fucking fool. Every fucking second of every day and every fucking part of myself and my life i did truly despise with a passion and with all my glory! But cause i was constantly blinded by this hate and anger i never realised that i was the one that created that life; harsh reality yet a true story...
After 18years of full blown fucking addiction, arrested a couple of times fortunately not one conviction. Mandrax, grass, alcohol, schnarf, party-drugs, meth and crack; then for the last 10years i was so far lost in the arms of my big love: smack. Upping, downing, smoking, shooting and chasing, constantly mixing or one love with the other replacing. From expensive 5star relapse-centres to goverment rehabs-slash-holes, groups, social workers, psyciatrists and here and there a shrink, all these people and places have one thing in common: they tell you what to think...
Constantly telling you how far gone, lost, fucked up and addicted you are, and its that way of thinking and reasoning that always re-opens and festers the fucking scar. The whole message they send to you is based and built on negativity. And its due to all that unnessacary shit the truth you cannot see. In this dark cloud you are always walking and this 'thing' inside you forever will you fear and about it you are constantly reminded, and due to all these negative thoughts thats constantly implanted from the truth you are blinded. Your thoughts, feelings and fears literally create your whole reality: Once you realize and understand that then out of this prison you placed your mind in you can finally break free. Take back a life that has been yours all along, your not powerless to your addiction - thats what they want you to think but that whole fucking message is just so wrong!!!

The subject of this post is retirement cause thats what it is, if i post here again its probably gonna be 1 of the nearly 200 unedited posts that is saved under my drafts or on my laptop although ive looked at a couple of them and except for struggling to relate to them they knot my stomach and that negative thinking...i dont need now. Even just writing the 2nd half of this post wasnt cool but im busy constructing a new blog...
Thefundamentalparadox.blogspot.com
...cause if you can change the way you feel about yourself, your life and your world...ANYTHING is possible.


'This is the end, my only friend the end' (Actually its a brand new beginning)

The Doors - The End

8 comments:

  1. "...cause if you can change the way you feel about yourself, your life and your world...ANYTHING is possible."

    I LOVE that line ^^ :) You're so right about that. I think what you're doing is a great idea-- I'll definitely be keeping up with your new blog too! Keep that positive attitude :)

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  2. Are you saying your addiction has been fuelled by all the negativity you've been fed? If so, then as you say, if you ignore all that you can break free. . .
    "You're not powerless to your addiction" . . . Well, from where I'm sitting it appears that many of us are, unfortunately, very powerless over this addiction.
    Maybe you're different. I really hope, for your sake, that you are . . . One in a million. I look forward to reading more at your new blog site ;-)
    Take good care and I'm sorry if I sound negative . . . I'll try and adopt a more positive attitude.
    And you're right, ALL THINGS are possible x

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    1. The methadone clinics I've been to like to push you into anti-drug groups that I don't like. One of the things I remember someone who was on a DTTO disagreeing with me and it really pissing me off was that TO AN ADDICT, DRUGTAKING IS AUTOMATIC, IT IS NOT A CHOICE. ANY MORE THAN A PILOT WITH A GUN TO HIS HEAD CHOSES TO LAND IN THE WRONG COUNTRY. HEROIN IS A CHEMICAL GUN TO THE HEAD... blah blah blah. And this counsellor told me that is the meaning of "powerless over your addiction" I had just come to the fact myself.

      Feeling completely fucked off and wanting to die is supposedly a good thing. I don't know whether I'm pro-NA or not, but I've been to enough meetings (but never regularly) over so many years I've seen it working for those who get a sponsor and stick with it. And it's free. I'm thinking of trying another programme called Dual Recovery Anonymous for those with mental issues.

      I think you will find what you are looking for, you have been talking about it long enough. You have the willingness.

      I always found that word "willpower" funny. People seem to think of willpower as winning a kind of internal battle with the self. To me willpower is just what it says: the power of the will. My problem has long been that my will was to use! And to keep on using.

      One day your will will change and you will find yourself rushing forward faster than you ever expected.

      :-)

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    2. Mandrax? That's pretty exotic these days... I've never even heard of anyone having that in years...

      I used to know a guy who grew up in Malta, which being in the middle of the Med, appeared to be a staging post for smugglers of all substances, so he could get everything on the menu including what he called "quaaludes" (which is methaqualone, the same as Mandrax) ~~ these were illegally produced and used to have trademark stamps on them ~~ little designs like you get on ecstasy. He said methaqualone was really nice.

      Did you ever use "dikes"? That is Diconal? The older people I know used to RAVE about them. They said it was like an opiate version of crack with this amazing rush when you banged one up ~ and you did only need the one. The problem was, as they all said, ten minutes later you wanted another one ~ just like crack. Plus the pills were made with dodgy stuff in them that "turned your veins to glass". Which doesn't sound too nice...

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  3. yeah was gonna say a while back u get more of what u focus on its the law of attraction n ur focus was negative glad u have switched it mate now u got a real chance! wise words indeed good luck my friend :-)

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  4. Also long b4 the 'secret' law of attraction was discovered the bible told us it centuries ago!. Eg luke11 "the eye is the lamp of the body if the eyes are good the ur full of light if the eyes r dark then how great that darkness' it means becareful on what u look on ( focus on) and 'as a man thinks in his heart- so he is'! Thats why i disagree that we should say we are addicts for life cos if we believe that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy n we use that as an excuse 2 use when we do have a choice!! x

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  5. Loving your words dude! N thanks 4 dropping by. Now gonna check out your new blogspot, keep writing man your gifted, n dont give up, no matter what! ive given over 8 years to this bullshit n fully intend to claim my life back, after all this is STOP-tober xxxx

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  6. i love this post, very much. i was just beginning a blog post about my love and hate for recovery. i am "young in the program," i guess i would say. the hardest thing for me to deal with is the constant drumming-in-the-head of "powerlessness," of hearing how others are "worried for me" for various reasons because i don't strictly adhere to their vision of what sobriety should be. or because i'm not spiritual, i don't believe in their idea of a god- they worry i will fail. the more i am told i will ultimately fuck up because i don't do X, X, X, makes it harder for me to see myself sober in the long run. so instead i wind up focusing on all the ways i could potentially screw it up. blah.

    anyway, thanks, will check out your new blog :)

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