Monday, 27 August 2012

Buffalo soldier

Hollow, empty and completely out of place, body feels like liquid, brain like mush and a mask for a face. Edgy, skittish and so fucking tense. Tired, fed up, fucked up and over having my balls in this wrench. One fucking decision, one simple fucking choice and just sticking with it for once; god im a dumbfuck, how much more shit do i still want to munch. To the bottom of this deep dark pit im pulling myself over and again, for fuck sakes im so freaking far away from my zen. Really have to move closer to myself very soon and fucking fast, put in effort and make a fucking point to make it last. Cant feel like this for another day and how much furher can i still throw my fucking life away. I need to sort my fucking head out and get it straight - before my time is up and its too fucking late...

'The only Zen you can find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.'

Robert M. Pirsig


  1. Be strong, there's always tomorrow.

  2. How are a people kept down? ‘Never know' their history.

    "If a race has no history, it has no worthwhile tradition, it becomes a negligible factor in the thought of the world, and it stands in danger of being exterminated."
    Dr. Carter G. Woodson 1875 – 1950

    “A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots.”
    Marcus Garvey 1887-1940

    "A tree without roots can bare no fruit, it will die."
    Erich Martin Hicks 1952 - Present

    Keep telling that history, our history:

    Read the novel; Rescue at Pine Ridge, "RaPR", a great story of Black military history...the first generation of Buffalo Soldiers.

    Rescue at Pine Ridge is the untold story of the 9th Cavalry from its Congressional conception in 1866, to the rescue of the famed 7th Cavalry by the 9th Cavalry Buffalo Soldiers. The 7th Cavalry was entrapped again, after the Little Big Horn Massacre, fourteen years later, the day after the Wounded Knee Massacre. If it wasn't for the 9th Cavalry Buffalo Soldiers, there would of been a second massacre of the 7th Cavalry.

    Read the novel, “Rescue at Pine Ridge”, 5 stars Amazon, Barnes & Noble and the youtube trailer commercial...and visit the website

    I know you’ll enjoy the novel. I wrote the story that embodied the Native Americans, Outlaws and African-American/Black Soldiers, from the south to the north, in the days of the Native American Wars with the approaching United States of America. This story is about, brutality, compassion, reprisal, bravery, heroism, redemption and gallantry.

    The novel was taken from my mini-series movie with the same title, “RaPR” to keep the story alive. The movie so far has the interest of, Mr. Bill Duke, Hill Harper, Glynn Turman, James Whitmore Jr., Reginald T. Dorsey and a host of other major actors in which we are in talks with, in starring in this epic American story.

    When you get a chance, also please visit our Alpha Wolf Production website at; and see our other productions, like Stagecoach Mary, the first Black Woman to deliver mail for the United States Postal System in Montana, in the 1890's, “spread the word”.


  3. thanks, there is wisdom in the quotes and i know the history of the buffalo soldiers but i didnt use the name for any specific or disrespectful reason i just write and if it wasnt for the subject line when you 'compose new mail' i wouldnt even give what i write subject so either 'buffalo soldier' was playing in the background or the first thing that came to mind but anyway...

  4. 050513:
    babydoll... dang, try, try something DIFFERENT! "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!"
    - I hear you... I've read your words... ever since my love DIED from smack, I've researched, talked to, and totally absorbed myself into what was his world... I get it... I do... certainly NOT to the FULL extent, but I GET IT... where is the exit?

    My heart suffers from the "what if's" and "if only I had done/said this or that"... I'm so sad that I've fallen into depths I think to subconsciously channel EXACTLY what he went through... but I can't go there... He took my joyous innocence and laughter for no other reason that n to see him smile, and that makes me angry... but I still feel for the souls that are captured by the wrath of smack... He didn't mean to leave this world. It was an accident, but none the less, he led the accident to himself... and his parents are now alone... I'm alone... friends are alone... he had us believe he was invincible, and we did believe, so when we found him in the morning... our worlds stopped believing and our hearts beat much slower...

    What's terrible is I know it was an accident, not intentional, but his attempts to get clean often led to either
    a] "hey, give it a few days and it'll be a FAB buzz or
    b] I haven't done in in awhile, so i probably need the same amount as last time (WRONG THINKING!!! ==SADLY, when coming off a rehab/break, that "next shot" is TYPICALLY THAT WHAT KILLS!!!
    - he was doing suboxone and though it does work, it can be abused... :(

    His parents and I have been cleaning out his home, sorting through his favorite shirts and hats... I'm sitting here wearing his sweater and socks... thinking of him... still... always will... He played with the devil and the devil WON... we are left here to lose and suffer... and maybe even fall into his footsteps from our pain of losing him... I will NEVER be the same... I didn't know of "that world" and now I know too much. It has taken joy out of typical jokes and movies... Nothing is the same... I'm angry and heartbroken...

    I'm sorry for the pressure you're under... I GET the wrath, I GET the ritual, I GET the "zoning out is better than reality"... but your life can REALLY end... Out of allll the people I met through 'him,' HE was the LAST we thought would go bc he -somehow- had us snowed and maintained a semi-normal life... Why him? Why not the dumbass dealers or old men that had been at it for 30+ years? Why HIM?! I don't have TIME to spend mourning and sequestering myself, yet that's what I'm left with... And we could have had it all... when he was "on" (and I duno if that means on his $hit or clean moments" but we were sooo good and so ON! So passionate... then I would lose him... didn't really "get" what was going on at the time, alot has been that darn hindsight, but it all confuses me and makes me angry. I want him back, but he's not coming back, ever... never ever... He's GONE FOREVER... only my mind that dreams of him with sometimes smiles, but mainly night mares of wanting to save him... I wake up so sad... I am so sad for his parents...

    (part 1 of 2)
    THANK YOU for posting your life!
    Love & MANY PRAYERS for us ALL!!!!

  5. (part 2 of 2 from kmaster
    ((gotta buz & I had to split my story?!)):, continuing:
    Sadly, I've slipped into bad habits that I've NEVER thought I would, but being a "helper" person, guess i had to try and "channel" him, find out... and I've been dancing w/the devil... I say I won't everrrrrr get bad/serious... but WE DON"T KNOW... you've got the unknown of your body mechanics and whatever things you're going through in life that affect your moods and choices... heartbreak is usually a good one for falling into dark alleys...

    but I won't... I have a grown child and she WILL be MY reason for staying around... I just find it too easy to "do a few things" that put in la-la-land... where HE use to like to go... and i must say... I like it too... NEVER thought I'd be one to take barbs, etc., always thought I'd be the upper type, but wow, I get the draw... I GET it...

    I miss my man. Because he opened my world to his "shadows", I NOW wonder if EVERYONE is on SOMETHING?! I went from Dr. Oz vitamins to feeling like I'm part of the dang "zombie nation"!! Sux! I don't want a dude that doesn't have anything going on!!! I want a dude that can HAVE FUN, but CONTROL himself, but are there any left?! Are they all on valium or whatever?!

    I wanna play tennis and go camping - but I hear the lazy guy "awww, can't" for NO reason except to take another pill & sip another bottle...& zone out... guess what: THAT'S NOT SEXY!!! Then again, I understand barbs make guys not care about that area... Guess I better thank God I'm my own best friend in THAT area!

    Whatever... I miss my man... remember, HE IS =D-E-A-D=... a feeling I can't shake, A memory that will NEVER leave. I have his housecoat, his fav shirts, socks, jackets, scarfs... but I don't have HIM... and to understand those depths... wow, might really wake some smacker's wake up... hope so... I really do... I can't help the world, but I feel a calling to work w/addicts because it IS too darn easy to slide into the depths of razor blades and needle pokes... but then what?

    FIND that happiness! GO TO IT! yoga, the gym, softball, driving in a 98 firebird w/t-tops and jams cranked! it can be done! get some acupuncture, do some cleanses and just DO IT!

    Song lyrics and Sid & Nancy movies are fun, but when you live them, it really takes the fun out of them... find your innocence again... let's do it together!!

    THANK YOU for posting your life!
    Love & MANY PRAYERS for us ALL!!!!