Saturday, 8 September 2012

Fuck that

Constantly with yourself in a huge fucking fight, trying to bullshit yourself from morning to night. Conveniently forgetting every single promise you made to yourself the night before; cause when the anxiety and cramps kick in your good intentions are no more. So pissed off with yourself cause all your tools you threw in a bin or some random drain, now you have to go and scratch it out and so it takes so much longer to rid yourself of this pain. After a huge rush that feels like a fucking year before you can eventually sit down to start cooking, you still hate it so much that everything about you is very far away from happy looking...
A hit to prevent the pain, a hit to keep me from going insane, a shot to take away the fear, a shot to get my head clear, a bag just for incase the day gets rough, another bag cause one is never ever enough. Some gear to keep the clucking at bay and some gear just to make it through the fucking day...
All your good intentions dissapear like shadows in the night and suddenly all of your wrongs made a 180 turn and all of a sudden its justified as being right. All the fucking strenght you used the last couple of days to hit the brakes, all the energy that went into it to prove to yourself that you have what it takes. All the positive stuff dissapears in that one very wrong and bad choice. After that all you are left with is cravings and back again in your head is that annoying and persistant fucking voice: come on, just one more, one last one, a final, a absolute final to prove to yourself that you are stronger last hit? I wish it was as easy to stick with as to say but in response to that, all i can say is: BULL-FUCKING-SHIT !!!


"Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free."

Jim Morrison

2 comments:

  1. Hey up it is always one last time i been saying that years :-( was gonna say dnt beat yaself up but im doing jst that right now... When will we ever fucking learn ...:-(

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  2. I saw you say on Shan s blog yours is shit. So I had to check it out. Your wrong your words are honest and true. A look in to someone's personal hell is a privilege to anyone reading.
    Believe in yourself sweetheart xx

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