Sunday, 2 September 2012

So ??? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ?

Please tell me what the fuck is there left to do? Sometimes it just feels like the smack is so much stronger than you. Its such a motherfucking bitch to break away; get some cleantime and for once more than a measly fucking day. Its as if 'stupid cunt' is engraved across your forehead, clean for a while and when you use again and all you sit with is heaps and heaps of regret. Completely, totally and utterly pissed off and annoyed. Why? cause that day or two's positivity and strength youve completely fucked up and destroyed...
Feeling good, i mean walking on a cloud for the day or two you dont shoot, then up your arse you put your own fucking boot. For no fucking reason and out of the blue, you jump up count your cash and do the stupid shit you are so proned to do. There you go and i mean with the fucking speed of light and already youve completely forgotten about the past 36 hours that consisted of having with yourself this huge fight...
Conveniently forgetting about the detox you went through that left you feeling like hell, god in your fucking head you are really not well. Sick is what this disease makes you and i mean completely into your fuck you, sometimes tired other times sick but mostly it feels like there is fuckall you can do. Sanity and sobriety so freaking far away and just out of fucking reach. And the best explanation for addiction - make your choice: fuckup, disaster, parasite or bloodsucking leach...

"Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction."

William S. Burroughs

1 comment:

  1. You're doing well to get a day.
    I reckon it takes about three days to be able to view it with the benefit of distance, then when it's clearer, from that distance, it's somehow easier to fight. Whilst we are full on in the midst of it, it's almost impossible . . . I need to find some distance from it and I'm struggling, you're not alone and I feel for you x