fctup

Life is just one big fuck up after the nxt-u just have the strenght to get up & start growing then some ignorant mother fucker filled with regrets of a life they failed to njoy put all their hates and fears on the people they put into this world to learn for themselves, forcing your hopes,fear and dreams upon them will only confuse them more, fuck up everything to the xtent that tey will slowly desend into madness,then spiralling faster and faster untill they reach thy point of self-destruction-not the nice kind where ur head xplodes & u feel no pain but the kind some people refer 2 as a romantic suicide maybe even a dipressive disorder or another nice term chemical substance abuse but sugar coat it all you want drug addiction is the common name for it, blame wrong friends, blame trauma in your youth, blame the wrong choices you can even go as far as blaming your parents for leaving you this disease as their last inheritance or legacy but no one looks as far as blaming this fucked up world where we live in where people are just doing all desperate things to find their way or make sense of a system we live in that really doesn't make any sense at all-who the fuck knows what causes all these babies to get raped,helpless old people to get murdered, fathers having kids with their own daughters & then still rape their granddaughters & u have the audacity 2 blame friends & choices, open your fucking eyes and see the world for what it is,stop chasing wind & money for a second & then you'll realise why your kids are so fucked up-its always easy 2 blame someone elsebut the most difficult thing in the world is not just to realise but to accept the problem lies within youself...open your fucking eyed people and your hearts will automatically open & things can only get better...
Just a quick thought cause most of u r to blind to see it for yourselves-blinded by money,power & greed and all that shit means absolutely FUCKALL to me I have nothing accept for real friend and complete happiness. FUCK THE SYSTEM

How many times

How many times can you disappoint yourself, over and over and over again, stand up & start moving forward and then you just completely fuck it up again - one bad choice leads to another and another and then you are right back at square one, just having to put yourself through all the same shit again and every time it just gets worse and worse, harder and harder, more and more difficult. One part of your head is shouting and screaming: 'NO!! NO!! NO!! While another part is screaming and screaming: GO!! GO!! I would assume that 3 no's should be stronger than 2 go's but anyway? And you keep on telling yourself if you are gonna use today, you are gonna use tomorrow, if you are gonna use today you are gonna use tomorrow, it's not worth it, its just a quick fix, a week of suffering in comparison to years of suffering, reminding yourself how bad it gets, how much you hate it, how much you're gonna end up hating your life and even worse: yourself, just one day, just for today, a day gets too long, break it down to an hour, break it down to 10 minutes and then just one minute at a time, over and over you remind yourself how badly you are gonna hate yourself for one moment of weakness and then that moment of weakness breaks down all your hard work and commitment you put into yourself and your recovery, gambling with that little bit of trust you won back from people, conveniently forgetting this whole argument you just had with yourself, all the suffering physically and emotionally you went through. One second, one bad choice, one moment and it all collapses. All your strenght, all your motivation, all your hard work and your positive energy turns to shit, a big heap of the same old smelly shit you live with and have lived with for the past 15 years of your life, you would think by now you would realise if you make this one wrong move you put yourself in checkmate and you fuck yourself over again, every time harder and harder, deeper and deeper and im not talking about gently, im talking about big fat dick up the ass and then the feeling of powerlesness flows through your veins again, pumping through your body with every beat of your heart and in one second you take choice out of the equasion and turn into a braindead zombie again...
Not even chasing a high are we? No, normality is what I am after, not your normality you live every day, the way you feel when you get out of bed in the morning- no, a very fragile version of it held together by a complete waste of time, chasing a high that hasn't existed for years and chemicals, to be more exact chemical substance abuse or rather straight to the point heroin - my biggest love affair ever or my most painful hate or slow suicide, very slow suicide but that depend on the mood im in, how much time I have and how much cash I have to spend....

just a quick thought

'Emancipate your selves from mental slavery none but yourselves can
free our minds' robert nesta marley - redemption song

Still what

How fucking crazy can one person be, how freaking blind not to see, literally suffering from day to day, knowing that you are busy throwing your life away, not even bit for bit but all at once: it turned to shit, now are we rejoicing or are we crying? have you realized that you are busy dying? No baby steps, no just for today? If only this shit would go away. Not on its own I promise you, there is no easy way-what to do? Sweat it out and suffer like a man, it sound so easy-yes I can. But do I really actually want to? Is there anything else I can do? Medicine sometimes helps a little bit, but then you just start abusing the shit, using it to put yourself in a buzz, rather than using it to take away the fuzz. Not even the thought of going cold turkey is fun, sometimes I just wish I could run, but that wouldn't help at all, cause you cant run away from the withdrawal. Completely fucked and very much out of luck, man does the life of a junkie not suck.


'So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
It couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters'

Nothing else matters - Metallica

Complaining again?

How much longer can u complain, stupid enough to inflict on yourself pain? Just fucking yourself up-time and time again, then you have the audacity to think you are sane, yet you are constantly on a plain, flushing your whole life and all you have down the drain, scoring at the bottom of a dodgy lane, sometimes you have to take a train, but if you look at the bright side there is a lot to gain, for one thing tour life is not mindnumbing and mundane, and you hide it so well cause you tend to get a bit vain, not always realizing how much you have fried your brain and then it just starts over and over again and again and again...


'Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight'

Tonight, tonight - the smashing pumpkins

Disaster is?

From sad to true, what else is there to do, suffering forever and a day, when will this shit go away, longing for a life a bit more stable, a life with so much potential-anything able, no more standing and crying in the rain, no more hunting for a vein. Pricking holes in yourself a million fold, man - these complaints are getting really old. What the fuck is there actually to do, how many times more- yourself can you screw? Never having the strenght to stand up & move on, rather wishing: on its own this disease will be gone. How fucking stoopid can one person be. Start using heroin you asshole and i promise you will see...


'Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination'
4 non blondes - whats up

Sing for the moment

'These ideas are nightmares to white parents
Whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings. Like whatever they say has no bearing, it's so scary in a house that allows no swearing
To see him walking around with his headphones blaring
Alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care
He's a problem child. And what bothers him all comes out, when he talks about. His fuckin' dad walkin' out
Cause he just hates him so bad that he blocks him out
If he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out
His thoughts are whacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back
Talkin' black, brainwashed from rock and rap
He sags his pants, do-rags and a stocking cap
His step-father hit him, so he socked him back, and broke his nose. His house is a broken home, there's no control, he just let's his emotions go...

[Chorus]
{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you
away...

Entertainment is changin', intertwinin' with gangsta's
In the land of the killers, a sinner's mind is a sanctum
Holy or unholy, only have one homie
Only this gun, lonely cause don't anyone know me
Yet everybody just feels like they can relate, I guess words are a mothafucka they can be great
Or they can degrade, or even worse they can teach hate
It's like these kids hang on every single statement we make
Like they worship us, plus all the stores ship us platinum
Now how the fuck did this metamorphosis happen
From standin' on corners and porches just rappin'
To havin' a fortune, no more kissin' ass
But then these critics crucify you, journalists try to burn you
Fans turn on you, attorneys all want a turn at you
To get they hands on every dime you have, they want you to lose your mind every time you mad
So they can try to make you out to look like a loose cannon
Any dispute won't hesitate to produce handguns
That's why these prosecutors wanna convict me, strictly just to get me off of these streets quickly
But all they kids be listenin' to me religiously, so i'm signin' cd's while police fingerprint me
They're for the judge's daughter but his grudge is against me
If i'm such a fuckin' menace, this shit doesn't make sense Pete. It's all political, if my music is literal, and i'm a criminal how the fuck can I raise a little girl
I couldn't, I wouldn't be fit to, you're full of shit too, Guerrera, that was a fist that hit you...

They say music can alter moods and talk to you
Well can it load a gun up for you , and cock it too
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault and i'll get sued
See what these kids do is hear about us totin' pistols
And they want to get one cause they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we really just protectin' ourselves, we entertainers, Of course the shit's affectin' our sales, you ignoramus. But music is reflection of self, we just explain it, and then we get our checks in the mail
It's fucked up ain't it
How we can come from practically nothing to being able to have any fuckin' thing that we wanted
That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing
Except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine
Who post pin-up pictures on their walls all day long
Idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives
Till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe
We're nothin' to you but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes
That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and hold it
Cause we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through our lyrics that you hear in our songs and we can...'

Eminem

time

So much freaking time has gone by
Since I've actually wanted to get high,
Yet every day this fucking routine I follow
And more and more of myself smack will swallow.
Everything going up in a huge ball of smoke
And yet I take it as a big fucking joke.
So much energy I waste-
On this bad fucking taste,
In my mouth all day long-
And even I know its wrong?
So much streng it takes this to hide,
Yet I go along for the ride.
Every day just wanting more and more,
Like a zombie going and going for the next score,
Constantly worrying that this heart will stop to beat
Not using causes cramps from my head till my feet
Always trying to numb out the pain
Constanly complaining- this shit drives me insane,
Losing my mind bit by bit every day,
Sometimes getting so desperate I start to pray.
So when will a wake up call come to me,
Or has it been reaccuring and im to blind to see.
Just going on and fucking all,
Just using doing this shit to avoid the withdrawal?


' Sugar man, won't you hurry
'Cos I'm tired of these scenes
For a blue coin won't you bring back
All those colours to my dreams
Silver magic ships you carry
Jumpers, coke, sweet Mary Jane'

Sugar man- rodriguez

foweeep

Seeing the positive side of all this crap,
Yet feeling sometimes I'm still in need of a huge slap, then maybe I could get over myself for once,
Maybe like a normal person enjoy something like a simple lunch? Not having to rush just to get the next score, and then making a realization-in life there is more, so what is all this complaining about? For once just let it go-scream and shout.
Free yourself from all this hate and shit, and maybe u can start to enjoy life just a little bit, forget about the frustration and pain, realize there is more in life to gain, focus on the truth and forget about all the lies, then you'll even be able to stop all these powerless cries. Eventually you'll dig yourself out and start seeing the light but I don't think even time will win this fight. These painful scars will always follow you around, as sick, twisted and fucked up as it may sound. It makes sense why so many people can't actually stop and catch on this shit till they eventually drop.


' When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, When you're sure you've had enough of this life,well hang on. Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong.'

Everybody hurts - REM

Another crummy poem

Floating and falling into this sea of doubt, understanding what the fuck but not knowing what its about, in ecstacy 4 days a week & the other 3 just being plain bleek, always wrong yet always being right, not just accepting my fate without putting up a fight, from where im standing I can see everything crystal clear, yet not understanding the origin of this fear, going and going forward with breakneck speeds, just not being able to get rid of these annoying needs, that are holding me back in ways you won't understand, what the fuck is it from myself I demand? One day ill know what the fuck is the meaning, one day ill get it out without all the screaming, but when is this day I ask of you? and untill then what the fuck else can I do? Afraid of normality in very obscure ways, you will notice it in my out of line displays, always making noise louder than everyone, going through life always pretending to have more fun, always making jokes and laughing the loudest, pissing on and ripping off those that are the proudest. Hiding my habits and scars extremely well, that those who know me can't even tell. What the fuck?? Ill need more than luck...


I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood

I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die

and I want you

you are the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug

you make me hard when i'm all soft inside
I see the truth when i'm all stupid-eyed
the arrow goes straight through my heart
without you everything just falls apart

my blood just wants to say hello to you
my fear is warm to get inside of you
my soul is so afraid to realize
how every little bit is left of me

take me with you
without you everything just falls apart
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

The perfect drug-NIN