A new beginning...

...or is it the fucking end? Cause now its about picking up pieces and starting to mend. Sometimes it sounds like a better option to take a gun and paint the walls with your brain but for my brother itll cause a shitload of pain. A shitty excuse you might say - choice is yours: yay or nay? Well i dont actually give a continental blue fuck as to what you think, all i know it sux losing your mom and your dad trying to kill his misery with drink...
Shame! poor fucking me! still its a reality we had to see, actually not see but live and most importantly fear and feel. This deep and dark place no child should ever see, not even to mention live, grow and try yourself to find or just be. I know there are so many people who has it alot worst but for once i must put myself first. Out of that the rest could actually turn out to be fine, it sounds so fucking cool: a future to embrace and a destiny thats mine...
Yet fuuuck getting there is gonna be a huge fucking mission and its gonna take alot more than just praying and wishing. How the fuck do you pick up that wasted time of 18 years? How the fuck do you get rid of all the uncertainties and fears? You actually get overwhelmed if you realise all the shit you still have to do, you get so fucking pissed off and annoyed cause yourself very hard you did screw. For fuck sakes now its about make or break, yet i sometimes doubt i have what it would take...

"I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periledlife and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom."

Edgar Allan Poe

Promises and lies

I dont know how many fucking times ive promised myself that: 'this is it', i dont know how many times and on how many peoples graves ive sworn that this is the last fucking hit. The only to explain is: complicated. World shook and shaken a bit. Day off day on, fuck there must be something fucked up wrong...
One fucking trap after the other in which to get ensnared, you see, get anxious, start paniking and then just shitscared. Then conciously you just jump in the first available one, not to give fate or the devil their fun. Rather throw the fucking spanner in your own machienary, stand back and wait for the result to be. See how this one turns out, what the fuck am i on about???
Actually to me it makes alotta sense, just penning the truth makes me fucking tense. Realising im the one fucking it up for me, just believe in destiny? Then this is a raw fucking hand i was dealt, really the arse end of the horse i smelt. But i suppose its what you do with the shit. I suppose you could eat it bit by bit. Or you could just fuck it, pull an ace outta my sleeve, take a while and see what the fuck i can achieve...


"Selling my soul would be a lot easier if I could just find it."

Nikki Sixx , The Heroin Diaries: A Year In The Life Of A Shattered Rock Star

Another Unknown

Its funny to think how much money youd be saving if you could just stop feeding this stupid constant fucking craving. You dont even take note of the thousands youve spent - not even to mention all the things youve sold, pawned and all the bloody money youve lent. Every single cent of it literally went up in smoke and im not talking figuritively, trying to be cliche or making some lame-ass joke. And its got absolutely fuckall to do with whether you are in the mood for using or not, it just grabs you by the short and curlies and intimidatingly whispers: 'feed me you little fuucking snot': 'I am the one who is in charge here', and with arrogance that can be said cause you know how badly going cold turkey you fear...
Your whole life is literally one huge race against the clock, when youre short of cash or the dealer is taking his sweet fucking time all you can think is : tick-tock, tick-tock. Because you have this fear shadowing you 24/7 always and everywhere; now you dont have gear so much quicker does the early sighns of clucking appear and thats a different burden to bare. A layer of sweat covering your back and face accomponied by these chills running through your body leaving you freezing. Anxiey pouring out of you, hectically upset stomach, your legs feel like lead and then theres still the hectic sequences of sneezing...
From head to toe your whole body feels completely out of sync. Freezing and or sweating - it just depends on whether its something hot or cold you drink. After a million and one phonecalls youve made to figure out how long this fucking 10 minutes is actually gonna be; in this time if you could think straight then how badly addicted you are you could actually see. No longer can or do you want to feel this fucking way and just to feel normal any amount of money youll pay. Its such a complete, total and utter freaking waste, youll pay anything and afterwards all you are left with is being pissed at yourself, blood on your clothing and in your mouth a horrible fucking taste...

"I was more addicted to self destruction then to the drugs themselves ... something very romantic about it"

Gerard Way

Always Subject,subject...subject...!!!

One moment youre ontop of the world - not one worry or one single care, as your mind goes silent and into nowhere you start to stare. In that single second of serenity your alter-ego starts whispering in your ear, reminding you of everything you have to do to get your life back into gear. Seeing youre clean except for being confused as fuck and anxious your emotions are hectically amplified; and then that glimpse of the future looks too fucking much and you start getting terrified. round about now the wheels in your head really starts turning, not to mention how the fucking cash in your pocket starts burning...
This is where it comes to the point of make or break, sometimes quickly but othertimes it takes a long time for you this decision to make. Take some meds, roll a fatty, walking up and down, sitting temples between my knees rocking, and every bit of effort i put in my other self throws in 5cents worth of mocking. 'Why the fuck are you sitting here wasting energy fighting?' and then 'you know that just now youre gonna jump up here and get ready for a mission with the speed of lightning'...
In this situation i really am my own worst fucking enemy. Yip, thats right: no triggers or people influencing me badly, nope, its all me. And that when you think about it its a fuckup deluxe, fuck me sideways that dilemma really sux. After a good 3 hours of fighting with yourself that felt more like a fucking year, you finally get overwhelmed by allthese fucked up emotions dominted and driven by fear. When you finally jump up there at the speed of light, thats when you officially lost your bloody flight...


"Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox."

Russell Brand

Smack attack

After being so fucking cross-addicted to so many substance for 16 years, of all the drugs ive consumed heroin has left the most scars and tears. After walking through hell and having experiences like ive had, to just relax and go through life with no issues - fat chance to that. I dont even know why the fuck im writing, some days i dont even know why i still bother fighting...
So much fucking energy i waste goes into trying to quit, for enjoying life you dont even save a bit; Not even to mention having fun cause youre always on a mission - always on the run. Just chasing wind to keep the clucking away, and for that; any amount of money youll pay. And its not even a buzz your after anymore, its all just to feel normal and keep the pain away from your door...
To use something just to feel normal - what a fucking waste of life. All the misery it brings to your life is all over; just rife. Just hating every second of every day as it drags the fuck along. I promise you that literally everything in your life feels wrong. Heroin makes you feel like this and its the only thing that can make you feel right, and with all the aggression it brings every situation is a ring for a fight. Fuck man, what the fuck can you do, did you ever realise that yourself this hard you can screw???


'A jug fills drop by drop.'

Buddha

Elvis Presley

Spiking the vein, trying to take away the pain, actually to your door, youre just inviting more. Dont actually know what youre doing, one certainty is that yourself harder youre just screwing. Fucking yourself up in so many fucking ways, trying to hide youre desperate displays. Every fucking day its just more and fucking more, rain or shine the only thing you can think is 'go and score'...
Your day cant start untill youve gotten your first hit, sad reality for your life but that is it. Cant think about anything else than smack, every day fighting to get your life on track. Trying fucking hard to cockblock yourself to get out of this horribly fucked up routine but its so much fucking harder than what it seems...
The first 10 minutes of day one is quite cool and then after a shower your mind starts to work overtime and for a hit you start to drool. Then pacing up and down fighting with your pet monkey, after he wins and convinces you that you are a fucking junkie. You start counting you money and then you think you situation is quite funny. You jump up and go and score and for the rest of the fucking day its just 'one more'...

'Gonna get back to basics
Guess I'll start it up again
I'm falling' from the ceiling
You're falling from the sky now and then
Maybe you were shot down in pieces
Maybe I slipped in between
But we were gonna be the wildest people they ever hoped to see
Just you and me'

Counting Crows - Recovering the Satellites

Clueless - again or still?

Trying my utter best to atleast fail my way forward, i know if i overcome all this shit my life will show great reward, i know how much good will come from me just leaving everything behind - maybe for once ill start seeing life again as being kind? I know one simple choice will make all this shit go away, yet with myself and my life games i want to play. Ive got a drawer full of meds for the clucking - yet still with the smack i am fucking...
Its not the coming clean that is the bitch; you might think omg thats fucking rich! But its the staying clean thats the bastard thing cause mudundane, mindnumbing boredom is what to your life it does bring. Everytime you go to the loo you think its cold turkey youre going through. Smack has really shaped your life in a million aspects, taught you different new ways for life to respect.. Still its such a bitch to get away from this shit, fuck me sideways - i dont know how but i just have to fucking do it!!!


'Dream and give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be.'

Joy Page

Again...whatever or a quick thought

Going through fucking hell, pain and misery to find your way to go home again, and in the blink of an eye, one single moment of weakness completely losing it as the opiate addiction takes complete control of your body and brain. Go through this huge fucking mission of finding your feet once more, then once again you trip youself and allow life to kick your feet out under you and you end up on the floor. You love and give with all the passion that your heart and soul does posess, in return you get the gift of a guilty conciouns, inferiourity, remorse and deep dark heavy cloud of hatred hanging around you all the fucking time. Against all your knowledge, experience, and better judgement you open yourself up to trust, very quickly once again you realise why you find it so fucking difficult to let people in and why i keep them as distant possible, prevention is better than being shat on i suppose...

'Everything has beauty, but not everyonesees it.'

Confucius

Ta-da!

Broken and im talking completely fucking shattered, why im saying this i dunno cause to no one its ever mattered. Pissed on and im talking drenched and soaked all the way through, ah well what the fuck is there to do? Inflicted all this shit in my life so i must just stop bitching, make a plan and turn everything around, althought its much fucking harder and more complicated that what it does sound...
Writing and bitching about it wont get me anywhere, i mean pissing and shitting blood wasnt enough although i got a huge fucking scare. Immediately made a thousand and one promises to stop, taht plan lasted about a hour and then it turned into a huge fucking flop. Cause my system is so fucking confuckulated that even when i get hungry, the difference between the two 'cravings' my mind cant even see...
Now you tell me thats not a fuckup deluxe and this heroin addiction does anything but sucks? Normality is like a pipe dream and its more fucked up than what it does seem. Everyone says 'but why dont you just say no', pick up this habit and then how simple it is to me you show. This is one curiousity and question that doesnt need answering cause pain, misery and everything else thats fucked up to your life it does bring...


'Mr Rabbit says: a moment of realisation is worth a thousand prayers'

Natural born killers

Hope

I dont think anyone would ever understand the relief that im going through, all i know is somewhere i made a right choice and a did a right deed too, but its going so much better than expected, since my old ways i rejected. I just wish i can stay in this state of mind im currently in, cause then this round i can only win...
But i really have to stay on top of it this time, cause just one slip and it fucking over again, one bad choice and all the strenght is gone and over, then you need more than prayer and a four leave clover. Fuck it really sucks dick bigtime and then afterwards you revert to crime? That road i dont again want to follow cause thats a bitter fucking pill to swallow...


'Every goal, every action, every thought, every feeling one experiences, whether it be consciously or unconsciously known, is an attempt to increase one's level of peace of mind.'

Sydney Madwed