Pornography, heroin and grunge

I promise you it literally feels as if my head's in a fucking vice, if it wasnt for the feeling of my head bursting open and my eyebolls popping out it could actually be quite nice. But nooo!! My freaking head feels as if wants to explode and over time all this shit will make your braincells corrode. If only you can get back all the time you've wasted over romantasizing about stopping this shit; your life would be light years ahead and theres absolutely no doubt about it...
Yet would you like the place where it woulde been? Would you have had all the wisdom youve had if you havnt experienced everything youve seen? Thats a question with answers thats so fucking complicated, thinking about all the outcomes will only leave me frustrated. More frustration that addiction is causing? To get to the answer is it even worth pausing...
A million and one different outcomes there couldve been, and i aint shitting you on that - do you know what i mean? Burning even more braincells to contemplate another outcome, shit man that doesnt sound like fun. Anyways; i really dont have a fucking clue, so what the fuck is there left for me to do? The only way i can answer that question at all is to clear my head by going through a serious case of detox and withdrawel...


'Hello, Is there anybody in there. Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home. Come on now. I hear you're feeling down. I can ease your pain. And get you on your feet again'

Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb

Another huge fucking sigh - again!

The only things that this crap causes in your life is alot of negative shit, hate and regret. Dont forget the anger and dissapointment and always being fucking broke - vet pret! But you will fuck up everything that is good and right then still go out of your way to go and get more; your sanity and conscience is literally imprisoned in this body thats on its way to go and score. Everything that is good, sensible and pure in you is shouting and screaming at you not to go! Yet like a stupid fucking cunt you just procrastenate and then who is boss? That to you the smack will show...
Its totally fucked up not to be completely incharge of the choices you make, even more fucked up the chances this shit gets you to take. You are somewhere inside this fucking shell, unfortunately the faint shouting and screaming in the back of your head is the only way you can tell. Your body is like a runaway train on this huge mission to go and get smack and this little piece of you is like a fucking toothpick that gets thrown on the track, just laying there supposed to stop this fucking train. I know there is no logic in that statement but same as addiction its completely fucking insane...

'A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.'

Oscar Wilde

Jesus Christ

Still not seeing that this numbing out of all the pain and shit in my life really doesn't fly? Maybe you're just using it as a very well masked justified excuse to permanently stay high? Well, whatever your poor lame-ass and pathetically patched together excuse may be? You're anyway stll to blantantly ignorant and fucking naive to see...
Cause you know the difference between their rights and wrongs but your rendition is a completely different fucking song. Cause yours involves a little detail called common sense; and that makes the whole situation a lot less tense. Just a pity that implimenting it in your life is so much easier said than done and that constantly being on a buzz from time to time is still fun...
See how quickly i can bullshit myself and change the subject, they shouldve sent me back to the factory with a huge red stamp saying: REJECT. Or? Maybe i shud just pull finger and start doing what im supposed to be doing and stop repeating this process where myself i keep on screwing. Fucked up and lost and that i wont deny, pumping my veins full of shit to try, to get me high, make sure my brains i fry, causing depression yet still i dont have tears to cry, wishing out of this situation i could just fly, wondering when im going to die, before i start boring myself and you i better say goodbye, sad fucking reality: my 'oh my...


'This is the end. Beautiful friend. This is the end. My only friend, the end. It hurts to set you free. But you'll never follow me. The end of laughter and soft lies. The end of nights we tried to die. This is the end'

The Doors - The End

Anger

How do you do this; where the fuck do u start?
i suppose u have to get rid of all the violence in your life and in your heart, much easier said than done, but thrashing someone that deserves it is always fun. With every single shot that you connect, you should actually take a moment just to reflect, on why you are so angry and fucked up in the first place, and then also the thought of being the families big disgrace...
Every family has a member like me, you dont even have to look very closely to see. We stand out like blood stains on a white sheet, when people walk past us they stare and study us from our head to our feel. You can actually feel their eyes burn holes through you while they stare and bystanders without sunglasses could go blind from the glare. Then when you ask them: what the fuck are you looking at they usually reply: i wasnt looking at you, why...
Yet cause im the addict; right am i never, and this fucking label will stick with me forever. That i promise you sucks dick, and getting rid of it is a huge fucking trick. But at the end of the day should i really actually give a fuck, although bigtime it does suck. Well i suppose everyone could just fuckoff and die, but if i say it to their faces then im in the wrong - i wonder why???


'I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did.That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.'

Chris Rock

Rumble

Completely gone is all this motivation that was pumping through my veins in the past: i just have to find a different way or reason to build it up again and to make it last; dont have a fucking clue as to how and from where, maybe about myself, health and life i should start to care. Its quite difficult while you are down in the slums and dragging your feet, every now and then your heart skips a beat...
That should be enough to make a normal person change their way; but no put another bullet in the revolver and another game of roulette ill play. Its really as if something in your head just isnt ticking right, how many more times must i get up with a fight. Yet the only fucking person im fighting with is me; but fuuuck!! A more skilled opponent it couldnt be. Every step and every weakness this little bastard knows and in the attack strategy and timing it really shows...
Sometimes it really feels like myself i have to outwit and outplay. God this bastard is sharp and knows every move and gets nasty if he doesnt get his way and just when i think i have him down on the ground; he gets up fitter and fresher for another round. Its might sound like ive got a split personality but only if youve been addicted the sense in this you will see. Im not gonna give up and already im planning my attack strategy for the next round, and if youve never been in this position: how fucking crazy must this not sound...


'Get away from me, This isn't gonna be easy
but I don't need you believe me. You got a piece of me. But it's just a little piece of me. And I don't need anyone. And these days I feel like I'm fading away'

Counting Crows - Have you seen me lately

Brain fried

Call me stupid, call me a dumd fucking arse, maybe i burnt my brain with all the chemicals or maybe i smoked to much grass? Make a choice cause the facts i wont be able to specify, you shouldnt take my word for it anyway cause most of the time i am high. Actually most isnt even remotely close cause in my system there is always some kind or another dose. Just a simple example to show what i mean; at work on the telly i saw hockey being played by our national team...
Asked one of my co-workers why are they showing a sport on tv thats not very big in RSA? I dont know who was more surpsised when i heard what she had to say: 'cause its the olympic games' was what she said, i nearly killed myself laughing and im talking - dead. Now im thinking maybe its got nothing to do with my brains that some people think has turned to jelly, maybe its cause i just dont bother with watching the fucking telly...
Listen to the radio or reading the newspaper is also not on my attenanary, they are all brainwashed so then what is it with me? Altho i pump chemicals into my veins, except for the little addiction problem there is not much wrong with my brains. I just choose what data goes in, and because of that the strangest assumptions does it bring. But anyway im the one who apparently doesnt have a fucking clue? Fuck me sideways; what is an addict to do???


'He who learns but does not think, is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.'

Confucius

so much shit over a sincere apology

I hope not once you doubted how much i love you, i hope u know that there is nothing ill ever refuse you. Sometimes the truth is more complicated than any lie youll ever find and not often does logic make a woman emotionally blind? It must've been very hectically in your face, the love of your life, the heroin-junkie, the big disgrace. The stigma attached is much stronger the the dreaded 'addict' before your name, but for fuck sakes why does everyone have to use it cause not everyone is the same...
Do you really think im gonna die a statistic, fuck that shit - ill rather suck a huge black dirty dick. The harder i get punched to the ground, the greater does the challenge of getting up sound. No one tells me that im not capable of stopping this shit, they can go and fuck themself with a big elephant dick and that is it. The faster and harder you kick me to the ground, everytime it will be faster and harder - the me getting up sound...
Like a rocket struggling just to get in the air, but once im up and going the people who know me are usually in for a huge fucking scare cause amition and inspiration fucking oozes out of me, and any motherfucker that knows me can this part see. Yet when my mind starts to have its annual wake, then dumd cunt me: a hit ill take. All that effort and hard work straight to the fucking floor, and then shit, debt, hate pain and suffering just gets more...
Youve changed me forever angel

'I'm not a perfect person, There's many things I wish I didn't do. But I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go: That I just want you to know - I've found a reason for me, To change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is you'

Hoobastank - The Reason

Soooo?

Wake, bake then the days first mistake,
blissed, no pissed cause the fucking vein you missed! Confused, and not at all fucking amused hey fuck atleast yo used. Junkie mentality, let it be? Open your eyes and for once the truth you will see. Rock then roll and afterwards to the devil you sell your soul. Chase, base and when its done of tour cash there is no fucking trace. Come clean, how long has it been since your true self you have seen. Well, burn in hell, i suppose only time will tell...

'Lose not yourself in a far off time, seize the moment that is thine.'

Friedrich Schiller

Very deep, huge creep, lack of sleep

I am stoned and a negative creep, scars in me life dug very deep, sitting and nodding on my way to my work every day, fortunately a little bit of the buzz will stay: untill about half of my shift has passed, then prayer, medication and perseverance will help me last. So much shit, so much frustation, i really wish i could say it was an over-exaggeration. This heap of shit the smack caused here, i wonder what it would take to sort out this shit complete and clear. Wake up anxious as can be, then only with heroin inflicted tunnel vision you can see. Your bodys not sore but your mind is racing, this is a huge fucking dilemma i am facing. All i want to do is blow out my fucking brain but to the one person that cares about me this will cause alot of pain. I mean hes seen our mom and dad both die, i cant be the reason for him again to cry. The rest of everyone can all go and fuck themselves hard, there is so much more they can do but thats a start. All the fuckers that pretend to be concerned, love and care; go to fucking hell, do us all a favor and stay there....


'An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.'

Mahatma Gandhi

Here we go again...and again, and again, and again and...

Do you see a fucking pattern emerging, can you see that absolutely no happiness it can and will bring. How fucking hard can it be to stick to a single choice you make? How much more punch can this body of yours take. Yet you constantly you fuck it up and fuck around, dont even let anyone convince you that like fun this does sound. I stroll through hell is what you are taking, a fuckup of your life is what you are making. Picking yourself up and then falling fucking hard: then you are stuck again right at the start...
So how are you gonna get out of the spiral this time? How are you gonna pick up everything and make it all fine? Why the fuck do you think you are soo bloody clever? Dont you understand the meaning of not again ever?


'An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.'

Buddha