fuck

So how deep and far can one person fall, how my times can you promise yourself that this is the last time that you put yourself through this fucking withdrawal, how much can you actually hate and curse this miserable little life of yours, shouting and screaming for help until you're hoarse...
constantly climbing and crawling out of this huge heap of shit that you so conveniently and casually put yourself smack-bang straight in the fucking center of, slowly eating away and consuming every shred of your existence, your being, yourself and then after years and years of suffering eventually your life. And yet every single time you make the same stupid fucking decision to conveniently forget about all the pain and suffering you put yourself through and that is when your mind starts running away with you and your body loses complete control. And round about here is where reason and common sense gets casually tossed to the side and the once again you find yourself falling and falling and before u even notice you are right back in that heap of shit you started in...only much fucking deeper.

'We're perched headlong
On the edge of boredom
We're reaching for death
On the end of a candle
We're trying for something
That's already found us'

Jim Morrison - an American prayer

??????????????????!

A piece of art in the making, the dead crust around my black heart breaking, reminiscing on distant, far away and fractured memories consisting mainly of haze, yet the clear ones always make you reflect on the bad days, your whole gutter-mentality you need to change, every single detail in your life you need to rearrange, its really just too many big fucking choices to make, but then there is the plus point of so much less in life you need to fake, you really have to turn all of it around, and start to get both your feet firmly on the bloody ground, understand and grow from all the death and hellish dark holes where you've been, comprehend and learn from all the blinding light you've seen.
Coming back from a long 16 year journey in the dark, for the first time ever you only need to be a survivor and not a shark, so which is the right road to take from here, what is it that your heart truly has to fear? Is it all the precious time you have to spend, to let this shattered and splintered heart of yours mend - beaten, broken and bruised in a million and one different ways, yet to fix it you have to go really deep into your yesterdays - And that's really the one place you never again want to be caught - cause to shake it off and leave it behind is for years the only thing you sought, now that is a perfect case of a situation called a catch twenty-two and with yourself you can reason and fight until you are fucking blue. Because that sequence of moments can to your sanity be overpowering and as a result it will feel to you like a part of yourself you are devouring...
How many doors can one person slam shut in their own face, for how fucking long can someone actually be to themselves a disgrace? If u think about it - how low do u think you can actually sink, I can promise you its much lower than u could even start to think, all your morals and values will b tested and put on trial and if you don't have strength of character you will fail with a fucking style. You'll be so fucking surprised at how far you yourself can misplace and at the end of the day you'll find yourself in a extremely shimmy and hellish place. Its sort of like a zombie strolling through hell and how strong you are - only time will tell. So what the fuck is there left for you to do, I can promise you that you never realized that this is how hard yourself you can screw. Every day from morning to night, u have to be crazy to think that living like this is right, after stumbling and falling around in this self created, designed, created and styled personal hell, regretting and reminiscing on every single time u got up and after a huge fucking struggle again fell, how much guarantee do u have that this time you'll actually keep on standing, do u have the energy and focus that this process is demanding?

' Time alone - oh, time will tell:
Think you're in heaven, but ya living in hell' - Bob Marley

Nearly done

6 in the fucking morning, everyone else is still snoring, sitting awake like a fucking big ass, might as well have been smoking glass, nothing 2 do at this time of day, just wishing some time of your life away, watching the world at peace and enjoying their sleep, thought coming to you this time of day is quite deep, cramps in your stomach-already they start, everything else is alright except for your heart, beating too fast-beating too slow, your body wants to stay-your head wants to go, leave your warm comfortable bed to go and score, after that first hit your head just wants more, never knowing when its all gonna end, only after your broken head you mend, sometimes strength you receive to break free, really starting to miss yourself your real me, just being yourself more than once in a while, yet falling back at lives first trail, no one can say you are wrong or weak, not really understanding why you peak, all these thoughts run through your head and still it 6 in the morning and you're still in your bed.

Testing-1-2-testing

So where the hell do u go from here, how the hell do u run away from the fear, consuming every little thing in its way, you might not live to see another day, what the fuck am I on about, maybe I should just scream and shout, get out of this deep fucking hole, reflect move forward and maybe start going for your goal, no more of your stupid crying in the rain, how in the name of god can you get over this scarring pain, sometimes it just drives u insane but you're stupid enough to take the same road again....
How many more tears do I have to cry, how many close friens still have to die, when will you actually see the light or do u really like the whole fight? Every single second of day battling to survive, how much longer for just normality can you strive, closer to dead every step you take, screwing yourself with every choice u make. Beautifully falling on your face, to your family you're a big fucking disgrace, can't keep up with life's pace and just being yourself is what you chase...
So what is the right thing to do? When this hard you yourself screw. How do you just for once enjoy your day? When this monkey on your back doesn't go away. sometimes just wishing the freaking world is ending, then for once you can stop pretending, that everything is gonna be just dandy and fine and start realizing that the choice to be happy is mine.
To all this what can I say, sometimes you don't even want to see another day, constantly wishing yourself away and all this shit started out as a naughty game to play...
What the fuck do you base your truth on? Where did u get those morals from? Can you not see what you are doing? Can you not see its just yourself you are screwing? When? I ask you are you gonna change yor way, when are u gonna realise how deadly this game is that you play? Cut the baptist sermon my friend, then we can just start 2 pretend, that the truth doesn't bite, we no longer have to fight, although you've really lost sight of what is wrong and what is right...


' And I forget just why I taste
Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind'

Nirvana - smells like teen spirit

Dunno, dunno, dunno?

To be or not 2 be? Or just 2 plain fucking stupid to see, so stuck in your bloody ways yet so completely pathetic in your displays, running around like a chicken that's just lost its head, take my word for it your better off dead, heroin coursing through every single vein, just trying to take away the pain, at the end your just creating more and all you want to do in life is score, Until your lying dead on the floor, at least u didn't up being a whore?
Crazy motherfucker, stupid cock sucker, where is all this shit gonna end, how fucking long will u still b able to pretend, that all your shit isn't falling apart and its never to late to restart, find your way and come to the light, how much longer do u sill wanna fight, all fucking day long, at least this shit makes u strong, crazy little ass, all this shit started with smoking grass, it even made a turn at shooting glass and you thought u were having a blast?
To the gutter u clever little prick, fortunately all the drugs didn't make me too thick? We'll just have to wait and see what the rest of this experience holds for me, its quite the road too walk after all this basing and not even to mention the shooting and chasing, what the fuck were you trying to prove? All it did was leave you in this deep fucking groove, and now the getting out part, it can't be that hard, but where the fuck to start, make a choice and just look inside your heart...

'If you ever need anything please don't hesitate
to ask someone else first
I'm too busy acting like I'm not naive.
I've seen it all I was here first

Out of the ground
Into the sky
Out of the sky
Into the dirt'

Very ape - Nirvana

buzzzzzz

Second for second our world is rotting more and more away, no wonder why addicts use - to take it away, take my word for if - everybody likes to be fucked and that is most of the time, I ask you with tears in my big brown eyes - is that such a crime? I mean look what we deal with every miserable fucking day, is it really so bad to want this to go away? Im not talking full on addiction - just a little hope, is that so bad to really help u cope? Here im not talking about your soul, im talking about a bit of a push to make you reach your goal. Is that such a huge sin there, or are you too stoned to care? What ever your reason may be, I promise u its about the hell we live in u don't want to see, am I right or am I wrong & why the fuck am I sitting here writing this stoopid freaking song??


'Subtle wind blow me gone
Let me rest upon your move
I trust I'll end up sleeping
Cradled in my doom so I feel what I feel
I can't grasp what is not real
So I'll get myself real high
And imagine I'm a Spaceman
In another place and time

I guess
I'm lookin' for a brand new place
Is there a better life for me'

4 Non Blondes - Spaceman

Deeper than u thought?

What the fuck else is there left to do, the whole world sux & everything seems so fucking blue, crying in the rain, really experiencing the pain, cut so fucking deep the fleshwound u don't even feel, yet the pain & hurt in your life is fucking real, really, really experiencing every second of it, and unfortunately you're not numbing it out a bit, doing your best to try to forget but the only thing harder is living with the regret, the first ever in your life ever - always trying to be clever asshole and then one day you find yourself in a deep fucking hole, and for more than half your life you gave up your soul, one of those scars that never heal and trust me the pain is real, the longer you numb it out the more you forget what its really about, but what if u learn from this whole process? Did u in anyway really progress. Move forward in any way, while u through a whole big part of yourself away? But what if the pain of all the experiences were too much for you to really be able to cope, they say hope is a bad thing but will it be really wrong to hope? That finally, once and for all - just maybe one day, all this shit you brought over and into your life would just fuck off and go away!!!


'Now I lay me down to sleep
Pray the lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Pray the lord my soul to take'

Metallica - enter the sandman

More than lost

Every dark cloud has a silver lining? There's always light at the end of the tunnel? If there were no downs in life you would never notice or appreciate the ups? Always telling everyone to live by these stupid fucking cliches yet when im down & completely fucked I can't or even don't want to see the sense in any of this shit. When your heart gets ripped out of your chest, if the person who you love more than life chooses not to be in your life anymore and denies her true feelings for you then you don't want to hear any of this positive crap the world sells to you like crack and like a stupid fucking addict you just ignore all reason and logic and go back for more and more and more no matter what the cost,its the same with love lost and doubting that you'll ever get that very special and amazing person back in your life-you'll run head first into that brick wall over and over again just expecting a different result(i believe that is Einstein's explanation of insanity)but isn't that what love and being in love does to you-it makes you temporarily insane cause you also forget about all reason and logic and just focus on what your bleeding, aching heart wants completely ignoring all the facts and all the harsh realities surrounding fucking yourself up emotionally and just prolonging the pain and at the end of the day that what used to uplift you is now pulling you down to the point of losing your fucking mind trying to regain the most perfect love and happiness you once shared with that one special person you would do anything for, just wishing somewhere deep inside they still feel the same or that they still remember the good intentions you have or the true and pure love you felt for each other and the way you touched each others lives in the most amazing ways, ways words can't even express-the right words have not been invented yet and only two people who has shared the most amazing and purest love would know what I am talking about, an intimate experience shared through love and understanding so intricate and so amazing and yet at the end of the day so easily fucked up by sad and miserable people who can't stand it to see other people enjoying this experience, bad judgement and bad choices. Its a known fact that the universe is in perfect balance and always balances itself out but this is just fucked up-how can something so pure and amazing be followed by so much hate, anger and hostility and the worst part of it all is that it is all so fucking unnecessary, how can two people that shared the purest and most amazing experience life has to offer end up so far apart and the only thing keeping them apart is the people that claim to have their happiness and best interest at heart. How much can you love someone if you are willing to take their happiness away in order for you to be happy, parents are not concerned about the well being of their children, they are too concerned about their own peace of mind to give a continental blue fuck about their children or not even to mention their children's happiness cause you must really be selfish if you are willing to emotionally blackmail your children to get your own way and peace of mind. I understand they want to protect them but at what cost, the cost of their choice, free will and choice and yet they claim to care, yes they care but only about themselves. I also understand they want the best for them but would they rather have them give up on their dreams to be in an emotionally dead an unhappy financially secure relationship at the cost of their happiness so that the parents can have peace of mind of would the rather have them experience true love and happiness and let life and following there passions take care of the rest. In a system based on money and rules that make no sense to me the even the first option makes no sense to me but hey that's just me and I hope for the sake of this civilization there are more people out there that think and act like me cause non are as hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe they are free...

'Your cruel device,
Your blood like ice.
One look could kill,
My pain, your thrill.

I wanna love you, but I better not touch
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much
I wanna taste you, but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison runnin' through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains.

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you callin' and it's needles and pins
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you, but you're under my skin
I wanna kiss you, but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison runnin' through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill.

You're poison runnin' through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

Runnin' deep inside my veins
Burnin' deep inside my veins
Poison'

Alice cooper - poison

Love and hate

It's very difficult to understand that one day you and that very special person you love will do anything and everything for each other, then the next moment its like the plague has developed in you and once the happy bubble bursts there is no going back - or is there? Hope upon hope and dream upon dream you wish you can just wake up and it was all a bad dream, all the regrets and feelings of inferiority just gets washed away like all the dirt gets washed off this planet after a beautiful spring rain, leaving everything feeling and smelling fresh and new, like a complete new beginning, going right back to the beginning, the honeymoon phase of your relationship leaving all the bad behind, back to the love you still feel every day and notice how much you really love that perfect and amazing someone with whom you shared the most perfect time of your life through all the hurt you feel in there absence. And its not about not knowing what you had until it got fucked up, fuck only an idiot would not notice the degree of perfection you found in that special someone who put back all the colors into your dreams, put everything back into perspective and again sparked the realization on how special you actually are. Being happy with yourself is already an achievement but finding someone who completes you in ways you never knew existed never mind have ever felt or even experienced that is the most amazing feeling ever and then just overnight all off a sudden you're not good enough any more, yes I was waiting for the bubble to pop but not like this explosion that ripped everything you thought you knew into a billion little pieces. Not everyone is lucky enough to find that perfect and amazing person who you want to spend and share every moment and experience the rest of forever with and then there are the lucky few of us that actually get to have that someone in your life for a short period of time but I can promise you the moment they get taken away from you no words or amount of tears can explain to anyone who has never experienced it how badly it can hurt not even to mention how badly it can shred your heart into tiny bits of nothing and the only thing that can mend that pain is so near yet so far away and doesn't matter how close they are, if they are not in your arms, holding them so close that u never want to let go not even time can mend this bent, buckled and broken heart of yours. If someone teaches you the true meaning of unconditional love and all off a sudden it gets taken away or becomes conditional that is the true meaning and feeling of pain. Love found and lost leaves you completely empty, aching and dead on the inside...

'your love it's just a dream, we were perfect when we started, I've been wondering where we've gone'

A murder of one - counting crows

Always a fucking struggle

Will it always be such a fucking struggle to stay clean, every wise ass think they know evrything about you if they just here the gossip about where you've been, always twenty different stories going around, as small and petty as it may sound, it really pulls you down more and more and one if these days with their heads im gonna mop the floor, but then ill be the big bad smackhead again, and then again from scratch all the shit will begin, like this vicious circle there is no escape, constantly these people yor emotions they rape, not caring if there is any thruth in what they say, and all you want is for this shit to go away, normally I don't worry about proving anything to anyone but myself and me, yet all these fuckers are too ignorant told see, all they care about is a good and juicy story to boost their ego and to me that a lot about their mentality does show, but what else is there to do but understand, the thruth you can't force or demand, especially from a narrowminded mentality like the ones they posess and to this every day I bear witness. Some people will just never have a fucking clue and about that there is nothing I can do...