Too much to say I suppose

Looking back at my fucked up & miserable life today, not just looking BUT seeing I wud'nt have wanted it any other way, all the strenght I gained and lessons I got taught, no institution could give me & through no money cud b bought. Every single thing that I have learnt through all the money & drugs that I burnt, everything I owned literally went up in smoke, no pun intended and im really not making a joke, yet from where I am standing 2day I wudnt wish even one second of my past away, live for no regret and I don't even have one little bit,quite frankly im grateful 4 all this shit, every day im clean just gives me the strenght to move forward, and that alone has become my reward, waking up in the morning being alive for another day and for my health I can go down on my knees and pray, just simply the fact that im still alive just gives me more and more reason to strive, just to be the best I can be in every way, and the biggest lesson I've learnt is to take it day for day...

'No escape from the mass mind rape
Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
Play it again and again and again
Until ya mind is locked in
Believin' all the lies that they are tellin' ya
Buying all the products that they are selling ya
They say jump
Ya say how high
Ya brain dead
Ya gotta fuckin' bullet in your head

Just victims of the in-house drive-by
They say jump, you say how high'

Rage against the machine - bullet in the head

Just another wtf?

It doesn't matter how far you are in your process of recovery, it doesn't matter how far in the clear you think you may be, oh my god - when that freaking full-moon strikes, every single one of your negative emotions spikes, and that my friend is where a huge fuckups start, it doesn't matter how strong you have made your head and even more importantly-your heart. Strength of character it build in all different scales, but inner-strength and that of character also fails. Always trying 2 do this on my own, and never having anyone in my life that's the direction in which I have grown. For the first time in my 31 years on this planet I trust & depend on some people other than me, and yet I was so blind it nearly cost me my life to see, I cannot do this on my own and for me to put that into script shows me how much I've grown, in many different ways more than just one and this fucking horrible addiction I've been fighting for 15 years can be gone, and by learning that lesson through all this shit I can finally see, I can become more than just free - once again I can be me...

'Substitute my gloom with happiness
substitute my sickness with health
substitute my enemies with real good friends
Morphine & chocolate are my substitute, substitutes
morphine & chocolate can bring me up
can warm my heart whenever I want it
and every once in a while when I stop and think
morphine & chocolate are my substitute, substitutes
And you can say "hey, we've really come a long way"
and you can say "say, it can only be this way"
but, you might be careful, it really, it really come a long way
And you can say "hey, it can only be this way"
but, you might be careful, it really hurts when it's real
you might be careful, it really hurts when it's real
you might be careful, it really hurts when it's real
you'll go down, down, down, ooh
Set the alarm clock, baby,
don't you miss the sun?
I'm feeling really warm hearted baby
don't you know I'm feeling like someone
I'm fearing for my heart
Morphine & chocolate could never substitute my art!
and that's real love baby
and that's real love baby
and that's real love baby'

4 non-blondes - morphine & chocolate

Another WTF

Why is it when you want to write there is absolutely fuckall there but the moment u r busy doing something like walking without pen,paper or pda then the inspiration hits you so fucking hard that it nearly knoks you off your feet, same as everything in life when u have your canvass and all your paints ready there is just one big fucking blank and why when you think yor life is perfect there is always one or two motherfuckers that try to pull you down to their level can people not stand to see another human being being happy not happiness from money or posessions but true happiness fron the core of your bein but I suppose after a while u get used 2 getting pissed on from all diretions. Everything is so fucked in this world already then the stupid cunts out there try to put out the truly bright lights that give light to the world and guide them in a nes direction. How fucking retarded can people get or is it the love for money and hunger for power that blinds then to the true beauty out there or is it that ignorance really is bliss?

'this is the end my only friend'
Jim morrison

What fucking ever

Every second that passes, filled with hate and regret, bad choices running through your head over and over and again. Hating yourself for making stupid fucking decisions- knowing what the result will be yet you make the wrong turn again and again, expecting a different outcome - yet the path stays the same and you knew this even before you made the stupid wrong fucking choice again. How many times can you make the same mistake and how long before you see that the lessons you learn on this path stay the same but no, genius is imprinted in your entire being, your whole existence up until now has been a fucking rollercoaster ride-life & death, addiction & detox, relapse & recovery, being loved & the all off a sudden the center of all hate, good intentions with bad outcomes & then my favorite good morals & values being pissed on by those who think they are better & know more than u because of having money and status but surprise motherfuckers money and status doesn't buy experience and knowledge and in reality experience and knowledge are much more valuable than gold and$5000 suits but the ignorance education implants into us from before we can think for ourselves teaches us different- it fills our heads with lies and status as where it should teach us the truth (that is out there for anyone looking for it if you look long enough it will find you) morals and values and most importantly of all to think for ourselves and not kill our curiosity by filling our heads with garbage that about 90% of us will never ever use again but if u turn out to be a free thinker most of what u call society will push u to the side and mark u an outcast and trust me that's not a bad thing cause the less u hear about shopping an gossip and some sport team that never wins & the less u engage in the media(i haven't watch TV for more than 10yrs cause they sell u utopias and perfect worlds that will never exist and advertisements that convince u to buy shit you don't need) the more time you have to think for yourself and have epiphanies about life, the universe & everything else, everything else that is really important and being an outcast isn't that bad I promise you, I've been one for years and the self-discoveries I've made no TV or newspaper will ever allow you to know and a added bonus is that you only have yourself to trust and depend on because most people are either very false or have hidden agendas and if u disappoint anyone its yourself and no one else...
Just a thought-use it, don't use it - I can't make your choices for you although that box in your house u stare mindlessly for hours at end has no problem making them for you.

'we don't need no education, we don need no thought control- all and all you just another brick in the wall-teachers leave our kids alone!' pink Floyd

fctup

Life is just one big fuck up after the nxt-u just have the strenght to get up & start growing then some ignorant mother fucker filled with regrets of a life they failed to njoy put all their hates and fears on the people they put into this world to learn for themselves, forcing your hopes,fear and dreams upon them will only confuse them more, fuck up everything to the xtent that tey will slowly desend into madness,then spiralling faster and faster untill they reach thy point of self-destruction-not the nice kind where ur head xplodes & u feel no pain but the kind some people refer 2 as a romantic suicide maybe even a dipressive disorder or another nice term chemical substance abuse but sugar coat it all you want drug addiction is the common name for it, blame wrong friends, blame trauma in your youth, blame the wrong choices you can even go as far as blaming your parents for leaving you this disease as their last inheritance or legacy but no one looks as far as blaming this fucked up world where we live in where people are just doing all desperate things to find their way or make sense of a system we live in that really doesn't make any sense at all-who the fuck knows what causes all these babies to get raped,helpless old people to get murdered, fathers having kids with their own daughters & then still rape their granddaughters & u have the audacity 2 blame friends & choices, open your fucking eyes and see the world for what it is,stop chasing wind & money for a second & then you'll realise why your kids are so fucked up-its always easy 2 blame someone elsebut the most difficult thing in the world is not just to realise but to accept the problem lies within youself...open your fucking eyed people and your hearts will automatically open & things can only get better...
Just a quick thought cause most of u r to blind to see it for yourselves-blinded by money,power & greed and all that shit means absolutely FUCKALL to me I have nothing accept for real friend and complete happiness. FUCK THE SYSTEM

How many times

How many times can you disappoint yourself, over and over and over again, stand up & start moving forward and then you just completely fuck it up again - one bad choice leads to another and another and then you are right back at square one, just having to put yourself through all the same shit again and every time it just gets worse and worse, harder and harder, more and more difficult. One part of your head is shouting and screaming: 'NO!! NO!! NO!! While another part is screaming and screaming: GO!! GO!! I would assume that 3 no's should be stronger than 2 go's but anyway? And you keep on telling yourself if you are gonna use today, you are gonna use tomorrow, if you are gonna use today you are gonna use tomorrow, it's not worth it, its just a quick fix, a week of suffering in comparison to years of suffering, reminding yourself how bad it gets, how much you hate it, how much you're gonna end up hating your life and even worse: yourself, just one day, just for today, a day gets too long, break it down to an hour, break it down to 10 minutes and then just one minute at a time, over and over you remind yourself how badly you are gonna hate yourself for one moment of weakness and then that moment of weakness breaks down all your hard work and commitment you put into yourself and your recovery, gambling with that little bit of trust you won back from people, conveniently forgetting this whole argument you just had with yourself, all the suffering physically and emotionally you went through. One second, one bad choice, one moment and it all collapses. All your strenght, all your motivation, all your hard work and your positive energy turns to shit, a big heap of the same old smelly shit you live with and have lived with for the past 15 years of your life, you would think by now you would realise if you make this one wrong move you put yourself in checkmate and you fuck yourself over again, every time harder and harder, deeper and deeper and im not talking about gently, im talking about big fat dick up the ass and then the feeling of powerlesness flows through your veins again, pumping through your body with every beat of your heart and in one second you take choice out of the equasion and turn into a braindead zombie again...
Not even chasing a high are we? No, normality is what I am after, not your normality you live every day, the way you feel when you get out of bed in the morning- no, a very fragile version of it held together by a complete waste of time, chasing a high that hasn't existed for years and chemicals, to be more exact chemical substance abuse or rather straight to the point heroin - my biggest love affair ever or my most painful hate or slow suicide, very slow suicide but that depend on the mood im in, how much time I have and how much cash I have to spend....

just a quick thought

'Emancipate your selves from mental slavery none but yourselves can
free our minds' robert nesta marley - redemption song

Still what

How fucking crazy can one person be, how freaking blind not to see, literally suffering from day to day, knowing that you are busy throwing your life away, not even bit for bit but all at once: it turned to shit, now are we rejoicing or are we crying? have you realized that you are busy dying? No baby steps, no just for today? If only this shit would go away. Not on its own I promise you, there is no easy way-what to do? Sweat it out and suffer like a man, it sound so easy-yes I can. But do I really actually want to? Is there anything else I can do? Medicine sometimes helps a little bit, but then you just start abusing the shit, using it to put yourself in a buzz, rather than using it to take away the fuzz. Not even the thought of going cold turkey is fun, sometimes I just wish I could run, but that wouldn't help at all, cause you cant run away from the withdrawal. Completely fucked and very much out of luck, man does the life of a junkie not suck.


'So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
It couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters'

Nothing else matters - Metallica

Complaining again?

How much longer can u complain, stupid enough to inflict on yourself pain? Just fucking yourself up-time and time again, then you have the audacity to think you are sane, yet you are constantly on a plain, flushing your whole life and all you have down the drain, scoring at the bottom of a dodgy lane, sometimes you have to take a train, but if you look at the bright side there is a lot to gain, for one thing tour life is not mindnumbing and mundane, and you hide it so well cause you tend to get a bit vain, not always realizing how much you have fried your brain and then it just starts over and over again and again and again...


'Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight'

Tonight, tonight - the smashing pumpkins

Disaster is?

From sad to true, what else is there to do, suffering forever and a day, when will this shit go away, longing for a life a bit more stable, a life with so much potential-anything able, no more standing and crying in the rain, no more hunting for a vein. Pricking holes in yourself a million fold, man - these complaints are getting really old. What the fuck is there actually to do, how many times more- yourself can you screw? Never having the strenght to stand up & move on, rather wishing: on its own this disease will be gone. How fucking stoopid can one person be. Start using heroin you asshole and i promise you will see...


'Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination'
4 non blondes - whats up