Fuck that

Its actually difficult to prerend that u dont care cause some shit reallly bothers you when u get caught up in that 'into the middle of nothingness' stare. Thats when all the things you pretended to have moved out the way, come back with a bang and show you that they're here to stay. I mean i can try and numb it out cause tht usually helps you forget BUT when u come down its so amplified u actually break out in a cold fucking sweat...
On the inside a panic attack you are having a complete fucking nervous breakdown yet on the outside nothing - not even a fucking frown calm as you are literally going through hell but not one other person in the room can tell. Why am i writing down all this shit anyway? That is a worry for another day...

'Drank, dagga, heroin en poes het my lewe heeltemal verwoes' - weetie wie nie

Trapped

Being trapped inside your own body for what feels like a thousands years plus another year or five, sometimes you're so fucking numb that you really don't even feel it when you pinch yourself to make sure that you are still alive. This fucking neverending hell you are living in, absolutely nothing good in your life this shit brings. You're going through life just getting dragged the fuck along, clawing and gripping but unfortunately the force of addiction is just too bloody strong...
Fingerpoints, hands and elbows completely scraped to the bone and finger nails torn, from being dragged around for so long everything is fucked and worn. Sometimes holding on feels really impossible to me, but you must experience it yourself in order to see, what the fuck im talking about here, and im not gonna let it go on for another year...
Its like trying to get up while being pulled by a truck, sound impossible, can be done but holy shit and good luck! Fortunately after being fucked up and addicted for so many years, it makes you tough as nails and takes away most your fears. Just do it - i mean really go for it, get up and fuck everything and everyone with all their negative shit...

'There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface. Consuming/confusing. This lack of self-control I fear is never ending. Controlling/I can't see.
To find myself again. My walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before. So insecure!'

Crawling - Linkin Park

Slowly dying

Everything in your life is slowly but surely rotting away, sometimes
you feel as if its a miracle just to see your next day. Yet, strangely
enough you're not too worried about it, to be honest you dont actually
give a continental fucking blue shit. Wait a moment, thats a big fat
fucking lie cause everytime you feel a cramp or pain you panic annd
think: 'i dont wanna die!'...
Strange combination of emotions you go through, and you really don't
have half a fucking clue; cause on the one side you have considered
suicide before, but when you get a cramp in your heart you dont wanna
play that dying game anymore? I wish i cud make something of this
predicament thats so fucking confusing cause at this moment in time i
dont at all find it amusing...
You know the difference between right and wrong, you dont wanna use
but your addiction just drags you the fuck along. If you ever wanna
learn how powerless u can be, quickly get addicted 2 heroin and you'll
see. Everything will spiral out of control at the speed of sound -
you'll become a hermit and people will start wondering if ur stil
around...

Waddup??

After seeing how far you would actually go, at least your eyes are open and the wisdom and knowledge does show. Grown so much over the last couple of painfull years - god you even got rid of most of your insecurities and fears. Really built strenght and character like you won't believe, just a pity some of your strenghts is to lie and decieve...
Reshuffling your morals is fucking harsh and complicated to do, less difficult than the process it took when youself you started to screw. I mean acouple of bad choices and a twisted idea of fun. 1..2..3, you look again and your whole life is gone. I mean fucked up in every single form and angle, and with everyone and everything that's important to you in your life, you took a gamble...
This makes you think some more and then your whole dilemma just gets more and more complicated, and this weighing up of what's important to you just leaves you feeling more and more frustrated. Cause your love for the one side is unconditional and strong and on the other side you have this lust and craving and that part is soooo fucking wrong....

'I come along but I don't know where you're taking me. I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me, turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky, the more I give to you the more I die...
and I want you'

Nin perfect drug

Home sweet home

Its quite morbid and depressing if u find more comfort in a toilet than in your own room. Man...I'm no genius but that' just a forecast for doom. I mean it doesn't matter from which angle you look at it; its pretty fucked up and really quite shit. So comfotable the shitter has become to you, even when if you shoot up at home you do it in the freaking loo?
Home alone, and all the worlds' privacy - i mean utter bliss, yet you go and sit in the room normal people use to piss? Its becomes like your holiday house or your pause away from home, hiding from all thats bad - except from yourself in your little dome. Its here where you are completely, totally and utterly at peace; and in your perfect litlle stinky, smelly and messy hole you can completely be at ease?
But how at ease can you actually be in a public toilet; i mean its not just paranoia: you really worry. Cause sometimes unforseen crap happens, you have to flush your gear and then you're really fucking sorry. Especially if the shits really big and u even have to get rid of your tools; otherwise you'll be taken to jail by these fools. Murphys law: it was your first and only fix for the 1 day you don't have any money; well if you've never been addicted to heroin before; That whole scenario is not funny!
Having to start making a plan right from the fucking start, and except for the sore muscles and the cold sweats: you cant even fart? Walking around, thinking, trying to make a plan, look at urself...this is really no life man. So i just realised - maybe i shud leave the public toilets the fuck alone but the toilet in my house will always be the most comfortable throne...

Another statistic?

How in the name of god do u beat your worst enemy? I mean you cant ignore her or just let her be? She will rip your whole fucking life apart, yet you'll run back to her evertime you have a broken heart. And then after that? Any excuse to visit her is good enough, and before you can blink life has gone from sort of balanced to completely fucked and the all the edges rough...
Constantly being haunted by flashes of how fucked everything used to be, every step you take is a huge fuckup and this you can see. Yet you just fuck it up in a million and one different ways and forms and every fucked up decision you make causes an even bigger shit storm. And you can take my word for it that everytime you have 2 pick yourself up is soo much harder and so much more complicated and everytime you must untangle this web it makes you more and more frustrated...
The more and more pissed off and frustrated you get, the more and your last series of bad choices u regret.. When you are pissed off that all you wanna do is commit suicide, or wish that years ago you already died. How do u kill your worst enemy that also doubles as your best friend? how do you get away from it and start yourself to mend?
AND THATS THE FUCKING MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION...

'Rape me, Rape me my friend. Rape me, Rape me again'
Nirvana - Rape me

Zoned out

Completely done and zoned out; i suppose its not what life is about, but it makes it better for the reality that comes with today and makes all your crap seem so far away. Out of sight, out of mind: a bigger truth than that is hard to find...

'excuse me while i light my spliff, oh god! i need to take a lift, from reality i just cant drift'

Bob Marley - Easy Skanking

Rhymes with?

Why this fucking thing called Heroin constantly on my mind,
thats one thought thats really not in any bloody way kind,
so badly wish that for once i could just relax and unwind.
Take a moment to regroup and then again myself to find:
Cause some mornings i cant believe that out of bed i actually climbed...
A lot and i mean ALOT of bad choices i wish i could rewind;
and to all the warnings i wish i wasnt so naive and blind,
cause heroin addiction is like a contract with the devil that you sighned,
and he fucked you hard - without firstly even getting dined;
and not even cosidering getting you wined...
But why does this whole fuckup feel so perfectly timed?

'One baby to another says I'm lucky to have met you. I don't care what you think unless it is about me. It is now my duty to completely drain you. I travel through a tube and end up in your infection'

Nirvana - Drain you

Fuck you too

Is ir over rated, is it understated, what the fuck have u contemplated, then you make it more complicated and yourself is the only person you've irritated...
Working on your own nerves, more thn what anyone deserves, your place in hell is reserved, and there you will forever be preserved...

'if there is a hell; ill see you there'
NIN - Heresy

Fuck off

Hows about just fucking off and dying, its better than crying or denying but im not sure if its better than flying...
High all the time? Cant really a crime? Especially not at a needy time...

'i wanna feel the drugs fucking up my brain - twisted