Love and hate

It's very difficult to understand that one day you and that very special person you love will do anything and everything for each other, then the next moment its like the plague has developed in you and once the happy bubble bursts there is no going back - or is there? Hope upon hope and dream upon dream you wish you can just wake up and it was all a bad dream, all the regrets and feelings of inferiority just gets washed away like all the dirt gets washed off this planet after a beautiful spring rain, leaving everything feeling and smelling fresh and new, like a complete new beginning, going right back to the beginning, the honeymoon phase of your relationship leaving all the bad behind, back to the love you still feel every day and notice how much you really love that perfect and amazing someone with whom you shared the most perfect time of your life through all the hurt you feel in there absence. And its not about not knowing what you had until it got fucked up, fuck only an idiot would not notice the degree of perfection you found in that special someone who put back all the colors into your dreams, put everything back into perspective and again sparked the realization on how special you actually are. Being happy with yourself is already an achievement but finding someone who completes you in ways you never knew existed never mind have ever felt or even experienced that is the most amazing feeling ever and then just overnight all off a sudden you're not good enough any more, yes I was waiting for the bubble to pop but not like this explosion that ripped everything you thought you knew into a billion little pieces. Not everyone is lucky enough to find that perfect and amazing person who you want to spend and share every moment and experience the rest of forever with and then there are the lucky few of us that actually get to have that someone in your life for a short period of time but I can promise you the moment they get taken away from you no words or amount of tears can explain to anyone who has never experienced it how badly it can hurt not even to mention how badly it can shred your heart into tiny bits of nothing and the only thing that can mend that pain is so near yet so far away and doesn't matter how close they are, if they are not in your arms, holding them so close that u never want to let go not even time can mend this bent, buckled and broken heart of yours. If someone teaches you the true meaning of unconditional love and all off a sudden it gets taken away or becomes conditional that is the true meaning and feeling of pain. Love found and lost leaves you completely empty, aching and dead on the inside...

'your love it's just a dream, we were perfect when we started, I've been wondering where we've gone'

A murder of one - counting crows

Always a fucking struggle

Will it always be such a fucking struggle to stay clean, every wise ass think they know evrything about you if they just here the gossip about where you've been, always twenty different stories going around, as small and petty as it may sound, it really pulls you down more and more and one if these days with their heads im gonna mop the floor, but then ill be the big bad smackhead again, and then again from scratch all the shit will begin, like this vicious circle there is no escape, constantly these people yor emotions they rape, not caring if there is any thruth in what they say, and all you want is for this shit to go away, normally I don't worry about proving anything to anyone but myself and me, yet all these fuckers are too ignorant told see, all they care about is a good and juicy story to boost their ego and to me that a lot about their mentality does show, but what else is there to do but understand, the thruth you can't force or demand, especially from a narrowminded mentality like the ones they posess and to this every day I bear witness. Some people will just never have a fucking clue and about that there is nothing I can do...

Should I care or just sit and stare?

Just trying to move forward in this sick and twisted fucking world, knowing and realizing that I'm not from this world but just in it, thrown into the deep end of a ocean of shit, hate and greed and trying so hard to swim yet every time you reach the surface some motherfucker just pulls you down again and this sink or swim gets quite tiring after years and years of struggling, there is always something or another standing in the way of your succeeding, understanding that the mountains in the way got put there for you to learn lessons and grow through the hard times but when in the name of god is it going to end, how much does one person person have to learn - a life starting with more shit than any child should ever have to cope with followed by 15 years of bad choices and addiction to the worst of substances, yet I'm still standing and trying to move forward and I'm not planning on giving up or let any of this shit get me down again. Stupid, stubborn, fed up or just fucking strong? The choice is yours to make, the answer I already know- a bit of all the above but a lot of the last mentioned cause all this shit I went through built strength of character like you can never imagine and gave me a new purpose of being and existence and through all the shit that gets tossed in my direction I'm just getting stronger and stronger, how strong does one person have to be and what is all this preparing me for? My opinion? Something big, not just big...gigantic. You'll just have to wait and see and remember as I've learnt, patience is a virtue....


'So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters'

Metallica - nothing else matters

don't know,should I care?

Confusion reigns supreme in times of frustration, anger and when pain is really present in ur life then so out of luck you feel yet the answers are always biting you in the ass but yet you are to preoccupied in your cloud of shit and unhappiness that if it spat in your face you won't even realize what the fuck just happened. Taking a slow stroll down the street, no rush-just watching the world go past you in fast forward and then you start moving slower until you stop to think, is this whole process of chasing wind so fucking important to all these sick and twisted people out there that are so caught up in a system of greed,hate and destruction that they never stop to take a breath and realize that there is more to life that driving a Porsche and thinking you are better than someone else cause your model of car or house is bigger, better or newer than your neighbors? Do you really feel so sad and insecure in who and what you actually are that you have to base your entire existence on material shit and through personal experience money, 100's of friends and trying to be better than everyone else doesn't fill that emptiness and hollowness you are feeling on the inside, it just makes you more and more shallow as you walk the path of trying to boost your ego. True love and happiness doesn't come from all these things society does so well in selling us through advertising and catchy marketing phrases. All they are doing is make us feel inadequate, inferior and make us envy all the people around us we are supposed to love as we love ourselves but that is where the problem comes in - see the dilemma you find yourself in cause if you start chasing all the crap the telly so strategically brainwashes us into buying and feeling like you are not anything or anyone if you don't dress like them and have everything they have. When do you ever get time to measure your true being, when will you ever know where your morals and values really are. You can never know who and what you really are if you are always living above your means and always relax in the lap of luxury. Just a thought though....

'Going down a dirty inner city side road
I plotted
Madness passed me by, she smiled hi
I nodded
Looked up as the sky began to cry
She shot it.'

Rodrigues - Inner city blues

Too much to say I suppose

Looking back at my fucked up & miserable life today, not just looking BUT seeing I wud'nt have wanted it any other way, all the strenght I gained and lessons I got taught, no institution could give me & through no money cud b bought. Every single thing that I have learnt through all the money & drugs that I burnt, everything I owned literally went up in smoke, no pun intended and im really not making a joke, yet from where I am standing 2day I wudnt wish even one second of my past away, live for no regret and I don't even have one little bit,quite frankly im grateful 4 all this shit, every day im clean just gives me the strenght to move forward, and that alone has become my reward, waking up in the morning being alive for another day and for my health I can go down on my knees and pray, just simply the fact that im still alive just gives me more and more reason to strive, just to be the best I can be in every way, and the biggest lesson I've learnt is to take it day for day...

'No escape from the mass mind rape
Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
Play it again and again and again
Until ya mind is locked in
Believin' all the lies that they are tellin' ya
Buying all the products that they are selling ya
They say jump
Ya say how high
Ya brain dead
Ya gotta fuckin' bullet in your head

Just victims of the in-house drive-by
They say jump, you say how high'

Rage against the machine - bullet in the head

Just another wtf?

It doesn't matter how far you are in your process of recovery, it doesn't matter how far in the clear you think you may be, oh my god - when that freaking full-moon strikes, every single one of your negative emotions spikes, and that my friend is where a huge fuckups start, it doesn't matter how strong you have made your head and even more importantly-your heart. Strength of character it build in all different scales, but inner-strength and that of character also fails. Always trying 2 do this on my own, and never having anyone in my life that's the direction in which I have grown. For the first time in my 31 years on this planet I trust & depend on some people other than me, and yet I was so blind it nearly cost me my life to see, I cannot do this on my own and for me to put that into script shows me how much I've grown, in many different ways more than just one and this fucking horrible addiction I've been fighting for 15 years can be gone, and by learning that lesson through all this shit I can finally see, I can become more than just free - once again I can be me...

'Substitute my gloom with happiness
substitute my sickness with health
substitute my enemies with real good friends
Morphine & chocolate are my substitute, substitutes
morphine & chocolate can bring me up
can warm my heart whenever I want it
and every once in a while when I stop and think
morphine & chocolate are my substitute, substitutes
And you can say "hey, we've really come a long way"
and you can say "say, it can only be this way"
but, you might be careful, it really, it really come a long way
And you can say "hey, it can only be this way"
but, you might be careful, it really hurts when it's real
you might be careful, it really hurts when it's real
you might be careful, it really hurts when it's real
you'll go down, down, down, ooh
Set the alarm clock, baby,
don't you miss the sun?
I'm feeling really warm hearted baby
don't you know I'm feeling like someone
I'm fearing for my heart
Morphine & chocolate could never substitute my art!
and that's real love baby
and that's real love baby
and that's real love baby'

4 non-blondes - morphine & chocolate

Another WTF

Why is it when you want to write there is absolutely fuckall there but the moment u r busy doing something like walking without pen,paper or pda then the inspiration hits you so fucking hard that it nearly knoks you off your feet, same as everything in life when u have your canvass and all your paints ready there is just one big fucking blank and why when you think yor life is perfect there is always one or two motherfuckers that try to pull you down to their level can people not stand to see another human being being happy not happiness from money or posessions but true happiness fron the core of your bein but I suppose after a while u get used 2 getting pissed on from all diretions. Everything is so fucked in this world already then the stupid cunts out there try to put out the truly bright lights that give light to the world and guide them in a nes direction. How fucking retarded can people get or is it the love for money and hunger for power that blinds then to the true beauty out there or is it that ignorance really is bliss?

'this is the end my only friend'
Jim morrison

What fucking ever

Every second that passes, filled with hate and regret, bad choices running through your head over and over and again. Hating yourself for making stupid fucking decisions- knowing what the result will be yet you make the wrong turn again and again, expecting a different outcome - yet the path stays the same and you knew this even before you made the stupid wrong fucking choice again. How many times can you make the same mistake and how long before you see that the lessons you learn on this path stay the same but no, genius is imprinted in your entire being, your whole existence up until now has been a fucking rollercoaster ride-life & death, addiction & detox, relapse & recovery, being loved & the all off a sudden the center of all hate, good intentions with bad outcomes & then my favorite good morals & values being pissed on by those who think they are better & know more than u because of having money and status but surprise motherfuckers money and status doesn't buy experience and knowledge and in reality experience and knowledge are much more valuable than gold and$5000 suits but the ignorance education implants into us from before we can think for ourselves teaches us different- it fills our heads with lies and status as where it should teach us the truth (that is out there for anyone looking for it if you look long enough it will find you) morals and values and most importantly of all to think for ourselves and not kill our curiosity by filling our heads with garbage that about 90% of us will never ever use again but if u turn out to be a free thinker most of what u call society will push u to the side and mark u an outcast and trust me that's not a bad thing cause the less u hear about shopping an gossip and some sport team that never wins & the less u engage in the media(i haven't watch TV for more than 10yrs cause they sell u utopias and perfect worlds that will never exist and advertisements that convince u to buy shit you don't need) the more time you have to think for yourself and have epiphanies about life, the universe & everything else, everything else that is really important and being an outcast isn't that bad I promise you, I've been one for years and the self-discoveries I've made no TV or newspaper will ever allow you to know and a added bonus is that you only have yourself to trust and depend on because most people are either very false or have hidden agendas and if u disappoint anyone its yourself and no one else...
Just a thought-use it, don't use it - I can't make your choices for you although that box in your house u stare mindlessly for hours at end has no problem making them for you.

'we don't need no education, we don need no thought control- all and all you just another brick in the wall-teachers leave our kids alone!' pink Floyd

fctup

Life is just one big fuck up after the nxt-u just have the strenght to get up & start growing then some ignorant mother fucker filled with regrets of a life they failed to njoy put all their hates and fears on the people they put into this world to learn for themselves, forcing your hopes,fear and dreams upon them will only confuse them more, fuck up everything to the xtent that tey will slowly desend into madness,then spiralling faster and faster untill they reach thy point of self-destruction-not the nice kind where ur head xplodes & u feel no pain but the kind some people refer 2 as a romantic suicide maybe even a dipressive disorder or another nice term chemical substance abuse but sugar coat it all you want drug addiction is the common name for it, blame wrong friends, blame trauma in your youth, blame the wrong choices you can even go as far as blaming your parents for leaving you this disease as their last inheritance or legacy but no one looks as far as blaming this fucked up world where we live in where people are just doing all desperate things to find their way or make sense of a system we live in that really doesn't make any sense at all-who the fuck knows what causes all these babies to get raped,helpless old people to get murdered, fathers having kids with their own daughters & then still rape their granddaughters & u have the audacity 2 blame friends & choices, open your fucking eyes and see the world for what it is,stop chasing wind & money for a second & then you'll realise why your kids are so fucked up-its always easy 2 blame someone elsebut the most difficult thing in the world is not just to realise but to accept the problem lies within youself...open your fucking eyed people and your hearts will automatically open & things can only get better...
Just a quick thought cause most of u r to blind to see it for yourselves-blinded by money,power & greed and all that shit means absolutely FUCKALL to me I have nothing accept for real friend and complete happiness. FUCK THE SYSTEM

How many times

How many times can you disappoint yourself, over and over and over again, stand up & start moving forward and then you just completely fuck it up again - one bad choice leads to another and another and then you are right back at square one, just having to put yourself through all the same shit again and every time it just gets worse and worse, harder and harder, more and more difficult. One part of your head is shouting and screaming: 'NO!! NO!! NO!! While another part is screaming and screaming: GO!! GO!! I would assume that 3 no's should be stronger than 2 go's but anyway? And you keep on telling yourself if you are gonna use today, you are gonna use tomorrow, if you are gonna use today you are gonna use tomorrow, it's not worth it, its just a quick fix, a week of suffering in comparison to years of suffering, reminding yourself how bad it gets, how much you hate it, how much you're gonna end up hating your life and even worse: yourself, just one day, just for today, a day gets too long, break it down to an hour, break it down to 10 minutes and then just one minute at a time, over and over you remind yourself how badly you are gonna hate yourself for one moment of weakness and then that moment of weakness breaks down all your hard work and commitment you put into yourself and your recovery, gambling with that little bit of trust you won back from people, conveniently forgetting this whole argument you just had with yourself, all the suffering physically and emotionally you went through. One second, one bad choice, one moment and it all collapses. All your strenght, all your motivation, all your hard work and your positive energy turns to shit, a big heap of the same old smelly shit you live with and have lived with for the past 15 years of your life, you would think by now you would realise if you make this one wrong move you put yourself in checkmate and you fuck yourself over again, every time harder and harder, deeper and deeper and im not talking about gently, im talking about big fat dick up the ass and then the feeling of powerlesness flows through your veins again, pumping through your body with every beat of your heart and in one second you take choice out of the equasion and turn into a braindead zombie again...
Not even chasing a high are we? No, normality is what I am after, not your normality you live every day, the way you feel when you get out of bed in the morning- no, a very fragile version of it held together by a complete waste of time, chasing a high that hasn't existed for years and chemicals, to be more exact chemical substance abuse or rather straight to the point heroin - my biggest love affair ever or my most painful hate or slow suicide, very slow suicide but that depend on the mood im in, how much time I have and how much cash I have to spend....