Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Valium oh valium or is that pax?

Getting 100% clean and sober is a bit harsh to do in one go but there is no use in taking it slow - otherwise its so fucking easy to fall back, slip straight back into that deep crack. Or is it a spiral spinning wild and out of control, devouring you chunk by chunk untill it eats away at your soul. Body is going one way and that is down, funny cramps everywhere but still you go on like a clown. Moving away from the needle is already such a bitch thing to do, yet that one teeny tiny step back to it is the hardest yourself you can screw. You can feel your lungs burning while you chase and in the back of you head the thought is spinning 'what a waste'. Longing to shoot up just one more time, trying to bullshit yourself things will be fine? How fucking stupid can you be, youve walked that road and the outcome you did see, not good in any way and at all, clucking your ass of and for those who dont know thats withdrawel. Fuck i need to get out of this hole, for years and years being clean has been my goal. Yet im bullshitting myself every day, trying to cockblock myself in every possible way. Dumb fucking ass, no tablets - no grass. People who has never had this problem will never be able to understand, how much shit this bad habit of you demand. Most days all you wanna do is blow out your brain cause this fucking habit drives you insane. Death is too easy, take my word for it and trust me. I have to get over this shit and move on, forget about this shit and make everything right that is wrong. Easier said than done, fucking difficult and no fun. Yet its something i have to do, take it on head first and stick it through. But how???


'By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest'

Confucius

2 comments:

  1. Mate, I wish I knew how . . . Back on day one again here. Over and over, we know where the road leads . . . sometimes it feels like the easy option, but it never is really.
    I hope we get there, let's keep trying eh? x

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  2. so many day 1's and so many day 2's even a four and five now and again but i suppose if we keep on trying eventually well fail our way forward. Keep strong tomorrow is day two and thats already a huge fucking achievement(says he who is sitting cooking up while replying on your comment-sad reality). Best of luck tho(although i know we need more than luck)

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