Royalty? Yeah right

King of nothing, ruler of none, getting hold of pieces on the run, always looking for that sick sense of fun. But im sorta trying to control the little mofo, whoopi fucking doo; way to go! Everythings lost, wait some hopes been found in the hell, could turn into a swell. Something good, something big ill even settle for anything aslong as life doesnt suck dick. World looks different when youre sober and straight, against all ods...just dont tempt fate...
And if the bitch comes and tempts you, what the fuck then wiseass-what do you do??
Havnt been there yet but i cant carry the burden of one more regret! So ill just have to have balls and be strong, stay sharp and i cant put one fucking foot wrong. I promise you then ill be so way past fucked cause this time the cold turkey i ducked. Next fucking time its gonna go dark, hard and deep and after all the shit ive been throught this time my sanity i wont keep...
Completely bonkers and out of my head, fall right back to point: addiction just being fed. Fuck tough choice to make, narrow road is the only one i could take...
Accept, reflect and move on...


'I said I will walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine.
I am feathered by the moonlight falling down on me.
Change, change, change.'

Counting Crows - A Murder of One

Where the fuck...

Sitting and thinking about all the lies that spread, worrying about all the unneccasary tears that got shed, completely depressed, morbid and lost in thought, but also so fucking happy about all the lessons i got taught, rejoicing about being one step closer to myself again, yet fuck confused about all the misery and pain it did bring, so many people lost along the way and it all started out as a fucking little game to play...
Young, naughty and sooo fucking naive, what the fuck did i try to prove? Always last man standing: mr fucking hardcore yet always just wanted and needed masses more. Everyone always checking and saying 'hes the fucking man', god i wasnt even remotely aware of how life already had for me a twisted plan. Just so fast i was falling so fucking hard and much deeper than planned, fuck me but for 18years my body was unmanned...
Moving through life on autopilot and in a zone, taking my paces through hell on my own, ok? In my darkest hours there was always people that care but you raped it out and then after a while - not there, complete lost and fucked with just your best friend and worst enemy to carry you through, the audacity wasnt he the one that actually put you there, fucking asshole two faced little cunt, and this addiction is more about need that want...
Racing against time for your next fix, anything goes just not dicks, nothing not even my life had meaning for so long, but now i realize its my perspective that was wrong? Addiction hurt and in more than just a pain in the arse, ill probably rather eat pieces of metal and glass. But i suppose if your path has been walked and your lessons you have leant, thinking and understanding why everything crashed and burnt. Then youre ready to move on and just let go, lets see what the future will hold and show...

'good friends we had, oh good friends we lost along the way, in this bright future you cant forget your past so dry your tears i say'

Bob Marley - No woman No cry

He-he-he

Strange as it may be but life only shows you what you want to see. You know the old corny open your eyes...boy! youll get a huge notherfucking surprise, your eyes can fly open at the speed of light, or this rebirth you can fight? But why the fuck would you want to do such a thing, cause only more fucking misery it will bring. I still dont know what the fuck i am on about, still angry and in the fucking mood to shout. But for the love of god i dont know why, yesterday the only fucking thing i wanted to do was cry. Its it just me or is everything im writing more and more fucking wasted, maybe its cause for a while my sweet honey i havnt tasted? Whatever the situation might or may be, ill just have to wait and see, or maybe shape it myself for a change, here and there alotta shit i need to rearrange. But at this moment im lazy as fuck, went to work and got sent home - what a fucking luck. Most people are still in rehab after four long fucking days, me? Doing it different for a change: trying a new strategy and this one seems to be the one, so im not gonna peak and fuck it up with my twisted sense of 'fun'. No needles, schnarfing or foil, cause those fucking tools will be to all this good energy a big knock and a huge fucking spoil...

'Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't'.

Richard Bach

Couldve, shouldve, fuckoff!

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Fuck? Again? Bonus

Another couple of days out of harms way, what the fuck else can i say, ive learnt to cock-block myself so immensly that quitting doesnt strain me so intensly. Yet not knowing what the day of tomorrow will bring, song of joy i wont yet sing. Just knowing that im so fucking hectically down and up, sometimes peoples talking sounds like its in dub. Lingering and hinkering for another day or two, cause again myself i dont again want to screw. Baby steps i need to take, no more promises to myself i can break, no more cooking or shooting, have to walk this line and keep my footing; sad truth is that medicated am i so hectically and everyone around me can see. But atleast my pinned eyes are gone yet now again that gets seem as wrong. People has known me on a buzz for years and the moment i am clean and sober they start shedding tears. Thats wht a master manipulator over the years ive been, cause i promise you that no one has known or seen. Now when im sober its a fucking issue - what the fuck? It feels like there is nothing left for me to do...

'A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life'

James Allen

Regret 101

The closer i get to giving up the further i move away; strenght, motivation, power and everything that is good just completely went astray. The more of these corny fucking poems i write, the more with myself i want to fight. Dont even know why i do this shit? Complaining, escaping, moaning that could be it. They say rather regret the things you didnt do but how the fuck do you not regret how hard yourself you did screw. For a certain period of my life every thing was just fucking dandy and fine, ontop of the world and for the taking everything was mine. Ill never understand why the fuck i stepped back into this spriral with a smile on my face, lost everything that was good and pure in my life and turned myself into an utter disgrace. Everything was going so fucking good and well. A success story of recovery my life was starting to tell. Nothing triggered me and nothing went wrong, god dammit i shudve rather smoked a bong. But no the clever cunt as only i could be, really to fucking stupid and naive to see. Just on bag and tomorrow everything will be the same, i thought this demon i learnt to tame. In one day i lost everything that was important to me, i thought no one would notice or see. Not even a week later everything was gone, life upside down and everything that was right turned completely fucking wrong. Lost all the fucking trust that was so hard to regain, now im only stuck with this fucking addiction, lots of regrets and heaps of pain. Ill never understand why, its not even worth it to cry. All that was good and pure in my life i shattered to shit and that is a very suttle way to put it. So much hard work i flushed away and now im stuggling just to get past a day. When life is good 24 hours flies by so fast but when youre going cold turkey forever a fucking day will last. So much fucking anger pain and regret, for the first time ever everything i lost is so fucking difficult to forget. Fuck you! you fucking dumb ass, you were so clean you didnt even smoke grass - but no you had to throw it all away and once again you dread your next day. Anxiety, cravings and pain, emotional breakdown, regrets and standing on the border of going insane. I just wish all this shit i can forget: but all im stuck with is a big pile of shit and a even bigger heap of regret. And its not even about me - the dissapointment in the eyes of my loved one i can still see. And that really hurts and sux dick, im really a stupid fucking prick. Sorry doesnt even work anymore, curled up in a ball on the ice cold tile floor. I really apologize to everyone i let down, hurt and even worst to my angel to whom i lied, so much time wasted and so many unnecassary tears cried. I love you so badly and with all my heart: i just wish we could make a fresh start. I never desrved your love in the first place and now i turned into a huge fucking disgrace. Hate, anger, frustration, longing and regret - the most amazing time of my life was the time we spent together and your true and pure love ill never ever forget...

'Shed a tear cause im missing you, im still alright to smile. Girl i think about you all the time. Was a time when i wasnt sure but you set my mind at ease, there is no doubt youre in my heart now. Said woman take it slow and itll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience'

Guns n Roses - Patience

Beltching

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Dumbfuck

Really going out of my fucking way to get clean, and now once again how long has it been? A whole fucking 36 hours, and I really focussed all my energy, strenght and powers. Actually got in a couple of hours of sweet dreams and a bit of nitynite, not too much with the pillow did i fight. Back, cheast and face drenched cause i literally sweated like a fucking pig and then out of fucking nowhere i just started romantising about a spick. Losing so much energy in that single second, this fucking obsession is a force that with needs to be reckond. Lost, hopeless, clueless and a fucking life so hectically wasted, its really as if in that second the defeat can be tasted...
Knocked down, get up, knocked down, get up and thats my lifes fucking routine; and for the last 18years thats just how its been. If youve never been addicted to smack than the cravings no one to you will ever be able to explain, its not just in your head it also causes in your body the most immense pain. Smack is the cause and smack is the cure, so fucking plain and simple yet so twisted and obscure. Its not even a buzz or a high or fun anymore: using just to feel normal, go on with your day and take away that immense hurt and sore...
Your mind just over and over fucking with you, you get to a point where there is fuckall about it that you can do. Hopelessly and helplessly caught inside this prison in your head, fighting and fighting and yip...enough said. Pick up the phone and make that dreaded fucking call, anything just to get yourself out of this state of withdrawel. Youve lost this battle but not the fucking war, yet now youre stuck with this problem...MORE!!!

'Skin the sun, fall asleep. Wish away, soul is cheap. Lesson learned, wish me luck. Soothe the burn, wake me up.
I'm not like them but I can pretend. The sun is gone and I have a light. The day is done and I'm havin' fun. I think I'm dumb. Maybe just happy. I think I'm just happy'

Nirvana - Dumb

OK?

Clinically insane, to much chemicals have been pumped into my brain; rotting at the core, still i want more. Everythings fucked, how much of this couldve actually been avoided or ducked, logic overdrive, fuck atleast im stil alive. What a fucking compromise, atleast i didnt get the heart-attact surprise - thats Junkie logic there: atleast i still care? Far fucking gone: well, prove me wrong...
Only happiness is when i dream, complete misery inbetween. Two or three lives to cover: golden boy, junkie and clean and sober lover. All the pieces inbetween, how much hell and misery have i seen. Lived in hell for years, riding me over and over on my deepest fears. Knowing that i need to understand, realising what this commitment of me will demand. Do i have the strenght and power, to make it throught another hour...
See is the only thing i can do; try myself not again to screw. Focus all that i have in me, try and understand what need be. Do i make any fucking sense? All i know is that im fucking tense. Get up and wish this addiction away, once again lucky to see another day. Live for the moment and return to myself or put my ashes in a container on the shelf. You are sooo confused you dumb fuck and you need more than prayers and luck...

'Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.'

Anton Chekhov

Up, up and a crash

How many different ways are there of expressing how lost you are? How many different ways are there of explaining how far? Frustration can only be explained in so many ways before it starts sounding like a heap of whining? Only so many ways of telling about the walls you are climbing. Going on over and over on about being annoyed, repeating and repeating about everything youve destroyed? Already working on your own nerves with all the complaining yet in the same fucking position you are remaining...
Promising yourself every fucking day youre gonna change, writing yourself letters and making plans on how your life youre gonna rearrange. So many spicks youve broken and thrown away, reminding yourself over and over there is another way. Plotting and planning your strategy on paper and in your head, reminding yourself that long ago you shouldve already be dead. Trying to use this fear of your heart stopping as a tool, over and over calling yourself a dumb cunt, an idiot, a fool...
So when are all these plans gonna start falling into place, constantly telling yourself 'watch this space'. Making a mllion plans a day just to stop, i mean for fuck sakes; dead i dont wat to drop. Then the sun rises on the day you marked as number one, quickly a last hit just before your stomach starts to run. Once again you fucked yourself hard - and youre back in the planning phase right at the fucking start...

'And a song I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme.
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you.'

Simon and Garfunkel - Kathy's Song