Monday, 9 July 2012

Dumbfuck

Really going out of my fucking way to get clean, and now once again how long has it been? A whole fucking 36 hours, and I really focussed all my energy, strenght and powers. Actually got in a couple of hours of sweet dreams and a bit of nitynite, not too much with the pillow did i fight. Back, cheast and face drenched cause i literally sweated like a fucking pig and then out of fucking nowhere i just started romantising about a spick. Losing so much energy in that single second, this fucking obsession is a force that with needs to be reckond. Lost, hopeless, clueless and a fucking life so hectically wasted, its really as if in that second the defeat can be tasted...
Knocked down, get up, knocked down, get up and thats my lifes fucking routine; and for the last 18years thats just how its been. If youve never been addicted to smack than the cravings no one to you will ever be able to explain, its not just in your head it also causes in your body the most immense pain. Smack is the cause and smack is the cure, so fucking plain and simple yet so twisted and obscure. Its not even a buzz or a high or fun anymore: using just to feel normal, go on with your day and take away that immense hurt and sore...
Your mind just over and over fucking with you, you get to a point where there is fuckall about it that you can do. Hopelessly and helplessly caught inside this prison in your head, fighting and fighting and yip...enough said. Pick up the phone and make that dreaded fucking call, anything just to get yourself out of this state of withdrawel. Youve lost this battle but not the fucking war, yet now youre stuck with this problem...MORE!!!

'Skin the sun, fall asleep. Wish away, soul is cheap. Lesson learned, wish me luck. Soothe the burn, wake me up.
I'm not like them but I can pretend. The sun is gone and I have a light. The day is done and I'm havin' fun. I think I'm dumb. Maybe just happy. I think I'm just happy'

Nirvana - Dumb

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