How much deeper?

Deeper harder and faster - that's how we addicts like to fuck ourselves over, no lube, no reach and most importantly as hard and violently as possible. So how many times do u like to pound yourself up the ass and then still pretend that you are screaming due to pain? Always just getting to a point where you can just start to see the light and just as you start to get closer you start fearing a new beginning, I mean it doesn't matter what u do from here, as long as u never ever use again everything will start sorting itself out...right? And then? What the fuck do you do? A certain part of you conveniently forgets about all the shit you have been through, all the time you wasted in the gutter and even more time wasted trying to pick yourself up. All the hurt, hate, destruction, the parts of your life you've lost, pawned, sold and even traded for a hit or two - maybe even three, depending on how smooth and sharp you were in the moment and that certain part of you forgets all the moments of cursing, shouting, screaming and wishing your life away. It also knows that the shits that's about to go down will gamble with everything that is good and pure and then you brace yourself for what you try to convince yourself was rape. Screwing yourself over like that - that's not rape! That's just plain outright fucking retarded, calling 99% of the general population idiots but if there was a competition for complete stupidity ill be the one that takes first prize, not even home but straight to the pawnshop and then its always a good time for a hit and that's the exact moment you sign up for that dreaded...what the fuck have I done to deserve this, sorry-ass attitude. How fucked up can one person be to actually want all this hate, anger, rage and negativity in their life yet there is a certain part of you that really struggles to let go but I mean: it really fucking struggles. This part overrides all common sense, all reason, all logic and understanding. It then casually shoves u out the way and takes control of your very being, your very fragile existence, overrides all reason and just goes into a direction. Your common sense and logic is trapped somewhere in there and its screaming to come out of this braindead mode you are in, showing u all the routes to escape, all the safe roads that will lead you home and then you realize the magnitude of your powerlessness and that is an eye opener. That one single second you realize how powerless you actually are and how extremely difficult its gonna be to get and stay in control again that's when u realize what a bitch this reality actually is and how fucking hard she can bite if you fuck with her.
How deep down does this rabbit hole go? Is it something you chose or is it something that chooses you?


'A hero is someone who rebels, or seems to rebel, against the facts of existence and seems to conquer them'
Jim Morrison