Thursday, 19 April 2012

He-he

Been 100% clean and without ant stimulants or meds for quite a while, i can promise you that life hurts so fucking much that i had no reason whatsoever to smile, excited about being soo clean and sober for sooo long, mind going crazy, body weak and cravings so unbelievably strong, see how long i can go without putting any stimulant in here, fuck me sideways - life's rougher and edgier than what i mite fear...
For the first time in over 20 years ive got real clean time, not one hit, one sigarette a valium or a subutex tab or two: fuck me sideways but in a million years this i never ever saw myself do? But i promise you that my body feels totally and utterly out of control and lifes sharp edges cutting and slashing me around every corner and turn, body anyways still fucked from all the torment i just put it thru then adding hells feroucious burn. Fuck if you could only realise how fucking far gone i was this relapse round, a junkies nightmare and not in all is it possible to give this a romantic sound...
But now im suffering so fucking bad with this motherfucking head of mine playing tricks on me but with the fucked up stomach and sore muscles its too difficult for me to see, one phone number constantly running and rumiging through me head, pass this one test get stronger take a tablet or two instead? Funny how quickly life becomes so smooth, realaxing and the whole place seems more fair, now if an opiate buzz is your normality, now thats a huge motherfucking scare...

'Practiced are my sins, never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..Yeah, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much inthis world to make me bleed.'

Pearl Jam - Just Breathe

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